Can ex.s remain friends?

LegacyUser

just out of a serious long term relationship... confused about breakup... both young... he needed space... issues about travel.... is it possible to remain friends? or will i hurt myself in the longrun?

thanks

You'll end up hurting yourself.
I used to be absolutely convinced you could remain friends, until I realised I was firmly under the thumb of the dumper :rolleyes:
And you don't, you really don't, realise the issues/problems that might have gone on in your relationship until you've taken a step back and gained some perspective. For your own sake, cut contact for a good few months. After that, don't rule out friendship, but you need to make sure there's 0 contact for a good while first, and even then be careful.

LegacyUser

hmmm thought so... thanks

Carsinian Thau

Unregistered wrote: »

just out of a serious long term relationship... confused about breakup... both young... he needed space... issues about travel.... is it possible to remain friends? or will i hurt myself in the longrun?

thanks

It's difficult to know for sure as that would vary substantially based on the personalities of each.

But, for the time being at least, you need a lot of space. Possibly no contact whatsoever but if that's not practical, then very limited contact should do. When you can initiate contact again, try and do so slowly so as to not stress yourself or run the risk of undoing all that you'll have accomplished until then.

Good luck OP.
Hope you feel better over this soon.

LegacyUser

yea sounds like good advice. i know i am still very much in love with him and still would like us to end up together... we were both so in love it just wasnt working... to say time will tell probably isnt very healthy... i should really just try let go i suppose. thanks for the advice.

coadyj

yes, im still really good friends with 3 of my ex's

Fluorescence

All I can say is it's never worked for me.... *shrug* It depends on the kind of people you are. Usually you'll both benefit from space for a few weeks at least

thecross1

no never works just cut ur loses and move on hope u find happyness

Wibbs

I would say the more emotionally intense the connection the harder it is. Standard BF/GF stuff? Yea very doable. Deep "true love" stuff? Very difficult.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

just out of a serious long term relationship... confused about breakup... both young... he needed space... issues about travel.... is it possible to remain friends? or will i hurt myself in the longrun?

thanks

The answer to the question is YES.

But in your case the "just out of" means that it's a while away.....

Hang in there and best of luck!

anonymous_joe

Unregistered wrote: »

just out of a serious long term relationship... confused about breakup... both young... he needed space... issues about travel.... is it possible to remain friends? or will i hurt myself in the longrun?

thanks

Wibbs wrote: »

I would say the more emotionally intense the connection the harder it is. Standard BF/GF stuff? Yea very doable. Deep "true love" stuff? Very difficult.

What he said.

A relationship between two people who truly love each other doesn't end well. It's usually messy and painful, and full of resnetment and misunderstandings. That's not going to lead to a friendship. Trust me. ><

If it's casual, it can.

The problem is, it's easy to mistake friendship for what you had before. I had an ex whom I attempted to stay friends with end up trying to get with me again. Then realising what she was doing, and breaking down again, and blaming me for her ending things, and so on. That sort of stuff hurts. You need time and space to get over someone before you can be friends again, but by then you probably won't see a need anyway.

irish_goat

It really depends on the break up too, if it was a good break up then you can probably be friends (after a decent break from each other) but there's always the chance then that you/he/both start getting feelings again and try to get back together. Even without that, if it ever happens that you're left alone with an ex and say there is alcohol involved the chances of hooking back up can greatly increase.

Wompa1

Never mistreated ladies I've gone out with. Actually spoiled them for the most part. Tried to remain friends but when I find someone new they go off the deep end and decide to hate me. Such is life! It can be difficult letting go but for your own sake I'd let it go

jeemojney

coadyj wrote: »

yes, im still really good friends with 3 of my ex's

ah yes, but are they friends with you ?

LegacyUser

OP here again...


well the break up was amicable....

i didnt really want it but can see that it is what we need for now. we still get on so great thats what really hurts! and makes me think... why cant we just be together...

he says he doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore... so fair enough... we had a few rough months but that happens.... we normally work things through.

TBH i think im looking for answers and reasons no one can give me.

Darthhoob

i used to still talk and be friends with an ex of mine, mind you he did live a fair few miles away lol. our friendship ended though when...6 years after we finished, i dared to get pregnant with my OH (who i was with for 5 years). he got all jealous saying he was hoping i'd take him back one day and started blaming me for dumping him...for cheating on me twice

it really isn't worth the hassle tbh.

Novella

I think ex's can be friends. I am still really good friends with one of mine and after years of not talking to my first boyfriend, first love and all that stuff, he got back in contact with me and that friend situation is working out pretty nicely too!!

I think it really depends on the people though. If one person wants more than friendship or whatever, that is never gonna work. It is probably a good idea to take some time apart, to move on and things, then in a while you could try be friends. Generally, straight after a break up things can be a messy and people unsure of how to act so friendship can be difficult. Just do whatever feels right for you, deep down you'll just know!

dreamer2009

I think you can be friends with an ex. I am still great friends with my first boyfriend who I was crazy about at that time. Now it seems strange that we ever went out. I also stayed friends with my current boyfriend when we broke up. We had a nasty break up and spent at least three months apart with no contact&I needed that much time to pick up my self esteem. We met up as friends&it took over a year but we got back together. So both of my ex's are my best friends. just one isnt an ex any longer ...

but I think if ye recently broke up then a bit of time apart will do ye gd. if ye truly are gd friends then you can pick up contact when the wounds are a bit more healed& when old habits have died down a little. In the meantime show him what he is missing. Bebo/facebook etc was designed to let him know you having a ball without him

G86

Wibbs wrote: »

I would say the more emotionally intense the connection the harder it is. Standard BF/GF stuff? Yea very doable. Deep "true love" stuff? Very difficult.

+1

I have a few guy friends who I saw casually for a while at one stage and it didn't work out for one reason or another, including one of my best friends! But I have zero contact with the ex I was with for 5 years. The less history there is the easier it is to move on to being friends.

djimi

As has been said, it depends very much on the people and also the type of relationship.

I tried being friends with my last ex for a while after we broke up. It was okay for a while, then I realised we were starting to slip back into old ways, and came to a head with her losing the rag with me over something stupid (which used to happen all the time and was the main reason we broke up in the first place) and me basically ended all contact with her that night.

I dunno, I just think that eventually, with people who had a fairly long term relationship, that old habits and familiarities will start to creep back in, and whatever problems caused the relationship to break down in the first place will eventually start to creep up again. I suppose this is where the type of relationship it was between you will probably ultimately decide whether it will work between you as friends.

If you do want to give it a go being friends, it is absolutely vital to go for a decent period of little or no contact (Id say at least 6 months), give yourself and him time to clear your head, find yourself, and get out of relationship mode. Only then, if you both still want to be friends, should you try to get back in contact.

EastWallGirl

I am going to go out on a limb here. I do not see how anyone can be bothered.

I can understand to an extent high school romances and seeing each other and having a laugh, but otherwise I think it is a waste of time.

I have my friends, they serve me well, if I go out with someone, I want a different type of relationship with them. if I break up with them, I already have friends, I do not need to add them to the gang, the type of relationship I wanted with them (which incudes a deep friendship but does have different dynamics) is over, if I wanted to be 'friends' it would not of gone further in the first place.

And for those that think you are going to be friends with not only your ex but your ex's friends, the word deluded comes to mind.

The only time I wanted to stay friends was because I wanted to get back with them and vice versa you enjoy the power you have over your ex.

Life is too busy and I think having ex's trailing around after you stops you from moving on and finding someone to share your life with.

I will say this, when you break up with someone you are allowed at least 3 stupid phone calls and 1 drive by. After that you have to start your recovery process.

My BF is very good friends with one ex and still speaks to several others. I don't really do friends with exes, but how exactly is it 'deluded'? Loads of people do it. And as for exes friends, I'm meeting up with 2 of them today for the whole day. Why would I dump people I know well and shared good times with because I happened to meet them through my ex?

Wibbs

With exes friends I've tended to hang on to them. Clearly because I'm a wonderful human being:D.

I would still go by the yardstick of the heavier the relationship the harder it is. I know a fair few people who have exes as mates, but with those people, they've never really fallen that hard and tend to be casual and less intense. I know of one person who always kept exes around until she fell for someone and fell hard. That split up and she moved house to avoid him and the feelings in her.

Manic Moran

Depends very much on the people involved, and can only be answered on a case-by-case basis. I'm still friends with a lass I dated for some six years.

NTM