Worried about husband and young girls

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this one.

A few days ago I found a folder of several hundred pics on my husbands computer, all of young girls (age 11-15 approx) topless on beaches. I confronted him over these and we had a huge blazing row about it. He said yes, he downloaded a zip file of these images from the internet. But he completely denies that he's a paedophile or anything like it - he says these pics are not kiddy porn, that you'd see girls of every age running around with no tops on if you went to any public beach in Europe. When I asked him whether he finds them attractive in a sexual sense, he wouldn't give a straight answer, just hemmed and hawed and said that he'd never go near an actual girl, if that's what I was thinking.

We're both in our early 30s and we've known each other 8 years. We got married 2 years ago but have a 5-year-old daughter who will be starting school after the summer. She came along at an awkward time for both of us and I was a single mum for the first year of her life. But we got back together and got married. We have talked about having more children now that we are more settled. I wouldn't say our relationship is perfect, we've gone through some tough times, but overall we're reasonably happy.

I'm aware that my husband has always looked at and masturbated to porn, it's an 'open secret' between us. We've even watched porn together a few times when we've stayed in hotels abroad. I don't see the point in fighting with him about this, because I believe most men are like flies around a honey pot when it comes to porn and I'd rather have it be known to me than covered up. But this seems another thing entirely. I'm now extremely upset and worried. Adult porn stars are one thing, but if he finds young girls of this age attractive, how will he see our daughter when she is that age?

I don't want to overreact and spoil what we have together but I would appreciate any advice.

This

honestly, its not right, and you know it. imagine someone have pictures of your daughter topless on their computer what would you want to have done to them???!!!

he needs to delete them all and not look at young girls again or he needs to go.

honestly i feel really sick at the thought of you 'not wanting to over react
about it'

its clear, he gets some sort of feelings from looking at these pics, why else would he have them.

you know what the right thing is to do. you need to do it.

cowzerp

Unregistered wrote: »

Adult porn stars are one thing, but if he finds young girls of this age attractive, how will he see our daughter when she is that age? .

I cant give advise but 1 thing i can say is, i fancy pamela anderson but if i had a daughter who looked like her i would not be sexually attracted, does that make sense?

fuzzywiggle

It really really doesn't sound right. I'd be very worried if i were you.. not for your daughters sake, but at the simple fact that children may turn him on?

sam34

i actually think you should report this to teh gardai.

i know he is your husband and teh father of your child, but the reality is that he sought out these images and downloaded them. they are child porn images, simple as that. there is worse child porn out there, that can be argued, but that doesnt diminidh the fact that this is illegal.

LegacyUser

It doesn't sound normal, you should tell your husband to get professional help and if he refuses you are going to have to report him to the guards, simple as. This is extremely dangerous and I am sure you are very aware of that.
He can't be looking at images like that, to all intents and purposes he is a paeodophile and needs help.
Sorry if that sounds harsh

rosepetal

If those pics were of semi naked girls as young as 11, then whether he agrees on not, thats child pornography and if he is attracted to that, well then he is a paedophile, plain and simple.
Its sick and I would be very concerned.

jmbkay

Please be totally honest with yourself. If this was your sister or friend, what would you do? I dont think there is any reasonable explanation for this. I would have to call the gards if I was you. How you will ever trust him?

Xiney

I don't think anything short of physically harming him would be an overreaction.

No matter how much I love my husband, if I found out he'd downloaded child porn onto the computer, I'd kick him out of the house and call the gardai.

Personally I feel you should do the same.

keefg

Just a side note OP....if you do decide to bring in the gardai to look into this matter you don't have to worry about "proving" the issue.

Even if your husband deleted all the files from the hard drive they can still be recovered by the technical teams when the computer is taken away.

keefg

jmbkay wrote: »

If this was your sister or friend, what would you do?

This is a very valid point. What would you tell a sister or friend to do if they came to you with this info about their other half?

Otis Driftwood

Hi OP.

I echo the sentiments of the other posters,this is very worrying.

He has knowingly sought out and downloaded semi nude images of children.

Why?

What possible reason could he have to seek out and store these images?

They are topless shots at the minute,what happens when he gets more "curious" and wants photos that are totally nude,and when he gets more curious still and wants to see pictures of children in sexually explicit poses,do I need to elaborate where this could potentially lead to?

You also have a daughter to think of.

I would give him an ultimatum and literally tell him you will report him to the authorities if you ever discover anything even remotely sexual involving under age girls.

who_ru

Personally i wouldn't call the guards, i would try counselling first. see what happens after that. on here you will get people who will argue your husband should be shot, easy for them to say. it's your marriage, try counselling first.

The_Conductor

So- your hubby is downloading pics of young girls topless- and has hundreds of pics like this? Really what is there to say. He has a problem. You have a young daughter yourself. You have a duty of care to you and your daughter to remove yourself from what could potentially develop into a dangerous situation.

At very least- he is downloading topless pictures of underage girls for the purpose of sexual gratification. He did not deny this to you (he may not have confirmed it- but whats the difference?) At very worst- its the tip of an iceberg that you are aware of- god only knows what else may be beneath the surface- perhaps theres nothing- perhaps theres something- who knows- who cares. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to get away from this guy.

Perhaps its a single folder of pics- the very fact that he is trying to use the excuse that its nothing more or less than he could find on any beach on the continent- is wholly irrelevant- and deeply worrying to the extent that he is perhaps deluding himself- if this is what he genuinely imagines.

He has a problem- really- he has a serious problem.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

SuperTyper

What he has done is wrong. As a mother of 2 kids, I find it very disturbing. And the fact that its not 1 or 2 pictures, but you say "hundreds" is even worse. Obviously your OH is attracted to young girls, some you say young as 11. Please do not bury your head in the sand. You should be very worried and so should he, especially if he downloaded them.

"possession of child pornography; the maximum penalty for a summary offence is 1,900 euro and/or a year’s imprisonment; if charged on indictment, the maximum penalty is 6,350 euro and/or five years imprisonment."

Hagar

It's fairly cut and dried. Get him some professional help or get him out.

LegacyUser

SuperTyper wrote: »

What he has done is wrong. As a mother of 2 kids, I find it very disturbing. And the fact that its not 1 or 2 pictures, but you say "hundreds" is even worse. Obviously your OH is attracted to young girls, some you say young as 11. Please do not bury your head in the sand. You should be very worried and so should he, especially if he downloaded them.

"possession of child pornography; the maximum penalty for a summary offence is 1,900 euro and/or a year’s imprisonment; if charged on indictment, the maximum penalty is 6,350 euro and/or five years imprisonment."

Its not child pornography

Wagon

I'd be pushing towards the guards on this one myself. He has several hundred pictures and he didn't give you a straight answer when you asked if he liked this stuff. I wouldn't be worrying about it to the extent of him looking at your daughter sexually when she's that age because if you sort this now then things won't go that far. What he's doing is already bad enough so call the guards.

SuperTyper

Unregistered wrote: »

Its not child pornography

Whatever definition you may or may not call it, its disgusting and wrong. Its perverted.

Macha

Unregistered wrote: »

Its not child pornography

Is it not?

Child Trafficking and Pornography Act 1998

The Child Trafficking and Pornography Act 1998 ,which is amended by Section 6 of the Criminal Law (Sexual Offences) (Amendment) Act 2007 (pdf), deals with a number of offences involving children under the age of 17. These include:

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/justice/criminal-law/criminal-offences/law_on_sex_offences_in_ireland

I think you're trying to make the distinction between paedophilia, which is an attraction to pre-pubescent youth. 11 is not necessarily pre-pubescent - but it could be. So I guess it could be paedophilia.


OP, I would make the point that a person's sexuality is their sexuality and it cannot really be changed. In the same way that a person is gay, and that can't be changed by "therapy" (by people who think it's a form of sexual deviation), similarly a paedophile, or someone who is attracted to very young teenagers cannot be changed - that's an accepted truth in psychology.

VinnyTGM

Something wrong their, a man of his age should'nt be looking at girls of 11-15 years of age.
Sure lads of 17/18 wouldn't look at them ages.

SuperTyper

We can argue the legal definitions til we are blue in the face, bottom line, looking at 11 year olds topless is perverted and OP would be wise not to ignore what her OH has done. If she ignores his behaviour, she is not better than him in my opinion. Burying your head in the sand does not make things go away. And who is to say he won't take his "interest" in children further??? God forbid.

My father is a paedophile. It makes me sick to my stomach that people make excuses for this kind of behaviour. Naked pictures of children for sexual gratification is sick, disgusting, perverted and wrong.

Victor

Unregistered wrote: »

Its not child pornography

What the OP found would appear not to be within the category that would secure a conviction, no. However, it would probably be enough to start an investigation.

Those photos are not appropriate on lots of levels. While one or two photos might be considered a mistake, (retaining) hundreds indicates at least some level of deliberateness, whether they were all downloaded together or not.

I thinka good start would be someone for you to talk to - a counsellor or a solicitor would be a start. Having dealt with something similar previously, your local Rape Crisis Centre might be able to point you in the right direction.

Sarah W

OP, I would make the point that a person's sexuality is their sexuality and it cannot really be changed. In the same way that a person is gay, and that can't be changed by "therapy" (by people who think it's a form of sexual deviation), similarly a paedophile, or someone who is attracted to very young teenagers cannot be changed - that's an accepted truth in psychology.[/QUOTE]

+1. But counselling/therapy can help him to control his desires and understand that they are not acceptable in society.

Either way though this situation needs professional help. The first port of call should be a very frank conversation with your GP.

thecross1

sicko simple as that

coadyj

taconnol wrote: »

Is it not?


http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/justice/criminal-law/criminal-offences/law_on_sex_offences_in_ireland

I think you're trying to make the distinction between paedophilia, which is an attraction to pre-pubescent youth. 11 is not necessarily pre-pubescent - but it could be. So I guess it could be paedophilia.


OP, I would make the point that a person's sexuality is their sexuality and it cannot really be changed. In the same way that a person is gay, and that can't be changed by "therapy" (by people who think it's a form of sexual deviation), similarly a paedophile, or someone who is attracted to very young teenagers cannot be changed - that's an accepted truth in psychology.

you actualy wrong here, I study Forensic IT and this has come up before, The exact definition is as follows

"child pornography" means —

(a) any visual representation —

(i) that shows or, in the case of a document, relates to a person who is or is depicted as being a child and who is engaged in or is depicted as being engaged in explicit sexual activity,

(ii) that shows or, in the case of a document, relates to a person who is or is depicted as being a child and who is or is depicted as witnessing any such activity by any person or persons, or

(iii) whose dominant characteristic is the depiction, for a sexual purpose, of the genital or anal region of a child,


Being topless on a beach does not cover any of these topics, but interestingly enough young girls dressed in a provocative manner even if not private parts are showing can still be defined as child pornography.

To the OP, I'm sorry this happened to you, sounds like a horrible situation to be in. I'm sure he is not going to do anything with your daughter. I like women, but I don't fancy my sister if you understand me.

I dont think your husband is a pedofile, but rather he is addicted to pornography, he may no longer find regular porno stimulates him anymore, so he might have innocently come across something like this and may be getting off on it in a taboo level. He may not actually be attracted to young girls, but rather the very taboo element.

I think he probably needs counseling of some sort, but I would confront him about it. Take you hard drive to an expert like myself who could dissect it and find out exactly what he has been up to on his computer.

LegacyUser

it's sinister behaviour, if it was 1 picture it could be classed as being a mistake, but be realistic here, why did he feel he had to download this stuff. Guys are attracted to images of women, but lets be blunt here, if he's married to you it would be disrespectful to have a 'porn collection' of adult women -it's more the terrain of the single man with a curious mind. Any married man with a secret porn collection needs a kick up the backside and should realise that it's a form of cheating.
But getting back to the images of children...it's wrong, married or single, it's wrong. It a sign that he's a sexual deviant, isn't attracted to adult sexuality and has started to explore a more illegal and deviant route. If this isn't controlled he could become a danger to children. I'm not saying he's going to start attacking children but in an adult scenario if a woman makes affectionate gestures towards a man and he's attracted to her then he'll more than likely make advances, if she withdraws these gestures he'll know he's misunderstood the situation. However, if your husband encounters a child he finds attractive and that child makes loving gestures towards him (which children tend to do in an innocent way) then he may make advances and the child will not have the maturity to withdraw from his advances. They won't be a willing participant they'll just be too innocent to handle what's happening. So what he's doing is very very dangerous for both him and children. Get him to some counselling very quickly. He's not immature, as one poster said you won't even find young teenage boys showing an interest in children that young. What he's doing is very very sick and it needs to be handled professionally and very quickly.

Macha

Sarah W wrote: »

+1. But counselling/therapy can help him to control his desires and understand that they are not acceptable in society.

Either way though this situation needs professional help. The first port of call should be a very frank conversation with your GP.

Yes, sorry forgot to mention that counselling can help control desires.

coadyj wrote: »

you actualy wrong here, I study Forensic IT and this has come up before.

Fair enough, I just got my definition from citizensinformation.ie

LegacyUser

It's totally inappropriate and quite wrong but the man is not a paedophile or a criminal. Looking at pictures of sexually mature or maturing girls even if they are very young by our cultural standards it does not make you a paedophile, nor is it child pornography. Stop moralising. If I was the wife I can see why you would have serious issues but the man is not sick or a danger to your child. Get some perspective.

LegacyUser

I'd also like to point out that there are a lot of people psychologically profiling this man when they have absolutely no qualifications or knowledge that would allow them to do so. You can recommend him to go to counselling, if I was the wife I could but nobody here is qualified to analyse him.

Gregor Samsa

Hagar wrote: »

It's fairly cut and dried. Get him some professional help or get him out.

+ 1

Regarding professional help for your husband, you could try giving the Granada Institute a call (http://www.sjog.ie/services/services_mental_main.html#4)

I know someone who's ex husband is a paedophile (who hasn't abused anyone), and they were very supportive in advising her on what steps to take in getting him help and her dealing with the situation herself.

Victor

realistic wrote: »

It's totally inappropriate and quite wrong but the man is not a paedophile

In the (kangaroo) court of internet opinion thats still up in the air.

or a criminal.

Assuming there are no other photos.

Looking at pictures of sexually mature or maturing girls even if they are very young by our cultural standards it does not make you a paedophile,

It certainly makes people ask "Does this behaviour go further, because the demonstrated behaviour is not socially acceptable?". Would you or anyone else sit at work or in an internet café and look at these photos openly?

nor is it child pornography.

It might not be criminal child pornography, but one can contend it is child pornography. Are you suggesting that say "several hundred pics on a husbands computer, all of young women topless on beaches" wouldn't be considered pornographic? You need to take the context of the taking of the photos and the use of the photos into account.

LegacyUser

Assuming there are no other photos.

He might smoke crack and run over ducklings for fun.

It certainly makes people ask "Does this behaviour go further, because the demonstrated behaviour is not socially acceptable?". Would you or anyone else sit at work or in an internet café and look at these photos openly?

I'm not sure how this is relevant.

It might not be criminal child pornography, but one can contend it is child pornography.

Children aren't depicted in the photos, ergo it's not child pornography.

Are you suggesting that say "several hundred pics on a husbands computer, all of young women topless on beaches" wouldn't be considered pornographic?

Eh no. I'm saying it's not child pornography. I'm saying young girls, in their teens, are not children.

You need to take the context of the taking of the photos and the use of the photos into account.

I am. He should seek counselling.

Gregor Samsa

realistic wrote: »

I'd also like to point out that there are a lot of people psychologically profiling this man when they have absolutely no qualifications or knowledge that would allow them to do so. You can recommend him to go to counselling, if I was the wife I could but nobody here is qualified to analyse him.

Then why did you psychologically profile the man by stating positively that he's "not sick" and "not a paedophile or a criminal"? Do you have some insight into this particular individual that the other posters you criticise don't?

LegacyUser

phutyle wrote: »

Then why did you psychologically profile the man by stating positively that he's "not sick" and "not a paedophile or a criminal"? Do you have some insight into this particular individual that the other posters you criticise don't?

I don't assume you're a rapist or that you have a psychological issue because you look at porn. I don't assume it of the husband that he's a paedophile and possible child molester because he looks at porn. There is no reason to believe he does. He looked at some material he should seriously think twice about and should ask himself why he did it. It's inappropriate, but no more. Looking at photos of sexually mature young girls is not abnormal, it's not appropriate with a young wife and a kid, as I said but it's not abnormal, there isn't a magic biological function that erupts the second you turn 18.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Silverfish

Under Irish law, anyone under 17 is a child.

LegacyUser

OP I''m going unreg for this. I was dating a guy early stages and I always thought there was something odd about him - which I later discovered was the attraction (I learned my lesson and take a wide berth if it happens now). anyway it turned out he was into kiddy porn/images and then was later convicted of trying to procure a young teenager for sex at a brothel.
I had been sexually abused as a child and was horrified with myself for not having seen the signs.
I know it is an extremely hard thing to admit about someone you love/d married but it is reality so you must deal with it. Protect your child and others. If he is genuine then he will prove it but in the mean time you must err on the side of caution.
Good luck.

Salome

Whether he's a paedophile or not - it's simply not right to have pictures of children in that manner on his computer.

You need to sit him down and make him talk to you about it - don't be fobbed off.

Gregor Samsa

realistic wrote: »

Looking at photos of sexually mature young girls is not abnormal, it's not appropriate with a young wife and a kid, as I said but it's not abnormal, there isn't a magic biological function that erupts the second you turn 18.

In all fairness, I wouldn't describe 11 to 15 year old children as "sexually mature" - regardless of the physical capabilities of their reproductive systems.

Nevyn

A child under the law can be 16 and have a full woman's figure but pictures of her are still considered child pron, that is not up for debate and those are not the types of pictures the op has described.


Op you need to tell him this is not accpetable in your home and that the pictures are to be deleted, if he refuses then I suggest you get legal advice.