How do I handle this? (its very very long, sorry!)

NGinEarLas

My problem basically is that my family make me feel so small and inadequate.

They make me feel like this by how the treat and talk to me, I know nothing, I’m stupid and my opinions or advice aren’t worthy to be considered.

This is the case even though I know that it’s far from the truth. In fact, without being too cocky about things, I know that I’m the one that has the most going out of us all, including my parents. I’m still a student in college, but I have a couple qualifications under my belt and so far I’ve come out with all distinctions (1:1). My chosen career is one which has been hardest hit by the recession, yet I have managed to get a paid job for the summer in the industry, unlike so many others. I know that I’m good at what I do, not just academically, but also practically, which is nearly more important generally, but definitely in the route that I want to go in the industry.

I have one sibling; I’m the oldest of two. My sibling started college but Dropped out half way through the second semester of first year. The excuse was that the roads were too bad to be bringing the car down. Since then he has gotten a full time job in a seasonal industry. He was let go over the winter, went on the dole. Apparently had full intentions of getting a full time job while on the dole, he didn’t even attempt to put together a CV for jobs. Since then he has been rehired by the seasonal company but is on half the number of hours and is still claiming the dole to make up finances. He has no intention of doing anything more with his life i.e. getting into college, getting a trade (although hard at the moment I know), etc. He does love the seasonal job, but my point is that he is not achieving much with his life, yet he thinks that he is so much better than I am.

If this brother of mine is happy with the way that his life is going then that grand, but he is constantly putting me down for simply knowing things about what I do in college. For having an opinion, or giving advice, basically every time I open my mouth he is making a skit of me.
One good example of him taking the high ground was when I was going out to my OHs house at the weekends, he was away during the week so that was the only time that we had together. My brother was always pointing out and making a big deal about the fact that I was never at home at the weekends, that I disappeared. In recent months he has got a G/F for himself, he’s the one that now stays in her house every night. He comes home to shower, eat and wash his car, then he’s gone again.

His attitude about everything relating to me usually ends up in an argument, which one of my parents gets involved with, mainly my mother. Now my brother is the apple of my mother’s eye and the boy cannot say or do a thing wrong and as you can guess she is always taking his side.

My mother also has the same attitude as my brother, and also my father, but to a lesser extent than the other two.

My dad is in a dead end job, but in his defence he was born in the wrong era and if he had had the chance would have done extremely well in college etc.

Mam on the other hand has no job, gave up work when we came along, but has never made any attempts to get any sort of proper job when we got older; she now cares for her mother, which is though I know. She gets no help from her family, yet she is a door mat to them. To be polite their not nice people, with the exception of one, but we cannot say a bad word against them, yet she is continuously bad mouthing and pointing out the faults of my dad’s family, as a whole and individually. Myself and my brother have always been closer with dad’s side and mam can get a bit jealous about that. She is also always going on about her nieces and nephews, how well their doing at this and at that etc.

Anyways I’m starting to ramble on now, this was a bit of a rant, but I’d also like some advice if anyone has some on offer. I can’t handle their attitudes towards me anymore. I’m sick of the arguments, I’m sick of them making me feel so sh1t about myself and I wish they would just see the good in me instead of pointing out all the faults. After all who’s perfect?

I’m sorry if I sounded cocky, over bearing or like I was so much better than them just because I’m going to college. That’s not how I wanted to sound. But I needed to explain the situation. Sorry it’s so long as well!!!!!

Thank you in advance for reading this.

You do sound cocky and you spend most of the post putting down the professions of all of your family, with a condescending "...in his defence" in one case. After calling it a dead end job. I'd see your point about their hypocrisy etc if it wasn't so buried under all that.
I'd probably act the same way around you, if you go around with that attitude all the time.

If you have a paid job, why are you living at home? If you can't move out/haven't started yet, move out as soon as you get paid.
That's how to handle it. And while you're doing so, get some life experience, grow up a little bit.

Sarah W

From the outside this looks like massive insecurity on both sides.

From you - you are successful and looking forward your career but you're not (you feel, and you could be right) getting the kudos and respect you feel your success deserves from your family so you are questioning everything and putting them down.

In return, your family are witnessing a high flying cuckoo landing back in their nest and, not knowing how to react, are turning to what they know and what they feel comfortable with which makes you feel awkward and pushed out.

Step back, slow down. Start to think about the family dynamic and how you can slot back in and still succeed without alienating them. They might be wrong in being in awe of you but you also need to appreciate their strengths and experiences.

LegacyUser

I have to agree with Bluewolf, you do seem a bit cocky. Just because your family havn't chosen the same kind of career you have and maybe don't want the same things doesn't meen you deserve any more respect then they do. You say your brother enjoys his job, so good for him, I don't see what busienss that is of yours. You say your mum hasn't bother to find a proper job but then say she's a carer - that is a proper job! A very diffcult one at that.

Well done for succeeded in college and finding yourself a work placement etc. That's great but you can't expect your family to treat you any differently over it.

To be honest it doesn't sound like the tensions you are experiencing at home are any different from the tension that goes on in most famililies. It can be difficult living wioth your parents wehn you are grown up. I know when I go back home for any length of time things become quite strained. The choice you have is either to try and find somewhere else to live or to bear it for as long as you have to and then get out. Ypou will probabaly find you get on a lot better with your family when you are not living with them, I certainly do.

John Mason

welcome to family life

the whole point of irish families is to make you doubt yourself.

move out, get your own life and ignore the digs

recycle

Perhaps I'm stating the obvious here

the whole point of irish families is to make you doubt yourself.

Not true.

move out, get your own life and ignore the digs

Sound advice.

VinnyTGM

At OP your little brother sounds like he's jealous of what you have when he dosen't have it. Eg you have a girlfriend he picks on you, when he get's one he shuts up.