Boyfriend and parents

LegacyUser

Im 23 and I have been gong out with a realy nice guy for the last year. My parents however do not approve of him at all and basically keep at me to break up with him. I live at home so this is a constant battle and i have no choice but to live at home. They feel he is not good enough for me as he has not gone to college and i have. I cannot complain about the upbringing I have gotten but its just that I really really like this guy. I would love to go on a holiday abroad with him but y parents would go mental and it really just wouldnt be wrth the hassle. The boyf knows all about their views and loves me for me and says just to forget about them. This is really difficult though.
Any ideas on how to handle the situation???

Taltos

You're 23 - why are you letting anyone dictate your life.
So you are living at home - does not give them the right to tell you what to do. They can advise etc - but you are an adult.

Maybe it is time to consider renting somewhere else - break that umbilical cord.

If that is not an option then you really do need to talk to your parents. Thank them for their concern but remind them you can make your own decisions. - Might be risky if they throw the house thing at you - and again we are back to moving out.

LegacyUser

fair point I know i am 23 and that yes I should have bit the bullet by now. At the moment thats not practical plus there would be the added hassel and lectures to put up with. My mother claims im "brazen" because I wont listen to her and that it makes the family look bad. So god help her nerves if I was to move out. I know it sounds silly in this day and age but they have really old fashioned values, and I have had an easy life getting everything iv wanted. Still though am I being chidish in still wanting to get my own way?? Id do anything to have a normal boyf/girf relationship but as it stand he's allowed nowhere near my house.

SarahMc

There seems to be a lot of posts recently moaning about parent's behaviour/attitudes by 20 somethings who say they have no choice but to stay living at home. Jeez when do people become adults these days?

Rb

SarahMc wrote: »

There seems to be a lot of posts recently moaning about parent's behaviour/attitudes by 20 somethings who say they have no choice but to stay living at home. Jeez when do people become adults these days?

I agree, renting has never been so affordable given that there has been a general drop in prices with little drop in wages.

To be honest, OP, it's their house and their rules. If they don't approve of him, keep your relationship outside the house and then it's none of their business.

VaioCruiser

SarahMc wrote: »

There seems to be a lot of posts recently moaning about parent's behaviour/attitudes by 20 somethings who say they have no choice but to stay living at home. Jeez when do people become adults these days?

Usually when they start behaving like adults. See my post below.

V

VaioCruiser

Taltos wrote: »

. . You really do need to talk to your parents. Thank them for their concern but remind them you can make your own decisions.

This says it all.

(though I don't see what the house thing means - you don't say they have threatened to throw you out - only that they will go 'mental' ...)

Yes it is true, and an old cliche, that parents treat their kids like kids no matter how old they get. But it is also true that kids who grow up at home and reach the ages of 23, 24 etc often continue to behave like kids and it feeds back in to the relationships like a vicious circle. Think about it :-) it is really true....

I believe that if you sit down and SHOW them that you have grown up and do what Taltos says, thank them for their concern, remind them of your age, and remind them you can make your own decisions now firmly and assertively, while at the same time behaving like an adult around the house in other respects - they are very very likely, after a bit of huffing and puffing, to back off and accept it.

jogoeire

its not about going to college. is he thick? if hes cognitively nimble then your parents have no complaint. college can hold people back to be honest. bill gates and steve jobs are both dropouts.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the views, I suppose my best way forward is to just keep it to myself, any ideas on how to cover up a foreign holiday from the 'rents??! Seriously though if it continues like this I would consider breaking up with him because its unfair on him to think that he is not good enough (he's actually an empoyed sparky).

Im not going to move out as it really isnt possible so stuck living at home with 3 brothers and 1 younger sister. How claustrophobic can it get?? And it gets even better I cant even drive out to see him because parents bought my car for me so ill get that thrown right back at me.........

legend365

Yea....given that, you cant really dictate to them Its your life and you can do what you want...if you've no car nd no home.

Sounds like you have it pretty good OP.

Sarah W

Apologies if this sounds harsh, but if you don't grow a backbone soon you'll be posting in 30 years time to say that you've spent your life living under your parents roof and their rules and how you hate them for it.

Move out, grow up.

ManOfMystery

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for the views, I suppose my best way forward is to just keep it to myself, any ideas on how to cover up a foreign holiday from the 'rents??! Seriously though if it continues like this I would consider breaking up with him because its unfair on him to think that he is not good enough (he's actually an empoyed sparky).

Im not going to move out as it really isnt possible so stuck living at home with 3 brothers and 1 younger sister. How claustrophobic can it get?? And it gets even better I cant even drive out to see him because parents bought my car for me so ill get that thrown right back at me.........

Wheter you live at home or not isn't really the issue. I get the feeling that even if you had your own place, your parents would still be judging your choice of boyfriends; they obviously have a certain 'type' they want you to be with, and that type seems to be the highly educated sort. It's ironic, as I know a few sparks who are much better off and more successful doing that than some of the high achieving graduates I know.

I actually feel sorry for your boyfriend. By your own admission, he's a nice guy and has done nothing wrong, yet you are considering breaking up with him simply because he doesn't meet your parents criteria. Saying that you're only breaking up with him as 'its unfair on him' is crap to be honest; if you love him you'll want to be with him and no amount of nagging from your parents will change that.

As stated above, grow some backbone and tell your parents that you may love and respect them, but it is NOT their place to decide who you should go out with. It may also be useful to remind them that having a college degree is totally irrelevant when it comes to making your other half happy; would they prefer you date some genius who hasn't a clue how to treat you?

LegacyUser

if you love your boyfriend dont break up with him

if your parents aren't threatening to make you move out tell them you are going on the holiday and if they want you to move out you will but you dont want to because you love them

start what i like to call "damage control" start talking about the nice things your boyfriend does in front of them (to your sister or something) say how well he is doing, how you are lucky to have someone who treats you so well, do you let your parents bad mouth him? have you stuck up for him? why is moving out not possible?? your boyfriend sounds very patient and loving, maybe invite him over for sunday lunch that you cook and show your parents how sound he is and how good for you he is,

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for the views, I suppose my best way forward is to just keep it to myself, any ideas on how to cover up a foreign holiday from the 'rents??! Seriously though if it continues like this I would consider breaking up with him because its unfair on him to think that he is not good enough (he's actually an empoyed sparky).

Finish with him. You don't care about him.
Anyone who would finish a relationship because it's easier to stay at home rather than rent their own place isn't mature enough to be with anyone.

reprazant

Unregistered wrote: »

fair point I know i am 23 and that yes I should have bit the bullet by now. At the moment thats not practical plus there would be the added hassel and lectures to put up with.

Why is it not practical?

paperclip2

You seem to want to take the path of least resistance, which means staying at home and doing what your parents want. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Now is the time when you should be starting to think for yourself as well as assert some independence. It doesnt have to be about confronting your parents, just acting in an adult and responsible way. Which, as other posters have said, means being upfront about how much this guy means to you, how good he is for and to you and not getting drawn into arguments. Let your parents know that you hear their concerns but you are capable of making decisions on your own now.

For the record if your boyfriend has put himself through a Sparks apprenticeship it says a heck of a lot about his educational ability. The level of maths alone required in that course of study is very tough.

Good luck.

kittenkiller

You could always try lying to them.

I did it for the guts of 6 years and it worked out very well.

Don't tell them you're going away with your bf. Say it's wth a group of people.

Or take your parents on one by one.
One of them is bound to hate him a little less and be easier to manipulate...

Just a thought, best of luck.

This

had a similar situation, due to a big age gap.

i sat them both down and talked calmly to them about it. basically explained why i was with him, that i was a big girl, while i appreciated their concerns i had to live my own life. i also asked them to refrain from making any more comments and judgements that i knew where they stood and i didnt need to hear it all the time.
my dad was proud of me for being able to stand up for myslef and being mature enough to sit down and talk calmly. they agreed to dinner with him and while it wasnt perfect it certainly helped alot. just take things slow. and if they wont budge then so be bit.

you cant make everyone happy and its not a choice him or your family. but never comprise your own happiness because other people want you to.

OP, I completely understand not wanting to cause hassle for yourself. I don't tell my parents every single little thing in my life because I don't want to listen to their opinions on it!!! But I get the feeling there's a bit more to it. You mentioned having an easy life and getting everything you've wanted, including a car. I could be wrong but are you worried that if you rock the boat you might lose some of those perks?

It's great if your parents want to help you out but at what price. It will always be hard for them to treat you like an adult if they feel you're dependent on them...

I think you're going to need to learn to stand on your own two feet, whether that's while still living at home or not.

LegacyUser

I have to admit all the replies I have read have been to some extent very helpful. Its nice to read that other people have been through similar situations and that there may be light at the end of the tunnel. The reason I cant and wont move out is that Im only just qualified as a teacher and Im looking for a job, therefore i dont have much money to throw around. Indeed it is the easy option and would possibly make life much easier, but at what price? Both my parents I know for a fact would not speak to me if I was to especially as they woruld know I was only doing it over my boyf.
As for "growing a backbone", trust me to stick with him over tears, lectures and even refusing to let me outside the door to go out to him, I think I have stood up to my parents. No amout of talking telling them I love them etc etc will work, we are not that type of family.
It still really frustrating though to think of all my friends who can have their boyf stay over have them in to do normal things like watch a dvd, life isnt really fair is it.

For the meanwhile I will just have to bear with it i suppose and hope that my boyf wil stand by me. Im not getting rid of him just yet either!!

Wagon

Sign on to the dole while looking for a job and then just move out on that for the time being. you'll find work in time.

And if you parents stop speaking to you, to hell with them. Just because they're your family doesn't mean you have to talk to them. Their views are ridiculous and you know it but if you don't get out now than you'll eventually start to see theings their way. and that's the last thing you want. Any loving parent will eventually accept their childrens decisions and adulthood. some just need a kick in the arse and you leaving your home is a good way of doing this.

Oh The Humanity

Unregistered wrote: »

The reason I cant and wont move out is that Im only just qualified as a teacher and Im looking for a job, therefore i dont have much money to throw around.

^^^Is this the real reason?

Unregistered wrote: »

Indeed it is the easy option and would possibly make life much easier, but at what price? Both my parents I know for a fact would not speak to me if I was to especially as they woruld know I was only doing it over my boyf..

^^^Or is this?

They wouldn't speak to you if you moved out over your BF at 23 years of age? Well so what! Doesn't sound any loss, anyway how long would they be prepared to carry on with that kind of nonsense, actually who cares!
Stop worrying what they think!

And what do you mean 'only doing it over my BF' -you speak as if that is not an important reason! It IS important! Isn't it?

You have got to stop pandering to the pair of clowns, this kind of parental over protectiveness and meddling should have been stamped out of them and dealt with by you in your teens!

Unregistered wrote: »

As for "growing a backbone", trust me to stick with him over tears, lectures and even refusing to let me outside the door to go out to him, I think I have stood up to my parents.

Why are you 'sticking with them'...why dont you just tell them to butt out and that you are an adult your choice of boyfriend is nothing to do with them.

Anyway!!! They refused to let you out the door?

YOU ARE 23 !!!!

23!!!!!

They have no right to physically stop you going out .......you can't stay there, that is outrageous, not normal or healthy!!!

Cant you just get any kind of job at all for the time being and get out of there?!

Unregistered wrote: »

No amout of talking telling them I love them etc etc will work, we are not that type of family.

Well stop then. If they refuse to listen and behave normally stop wasting your energy making any compromises with them.

Unregistered wrote: »

It still really frustrating though to think of all my friends who can have their boyf stay over have them in to do normal things like watch a dvd, life isnt really fair is it.

No life is not fair, but that is something most learn in their early teens. You should have recognised quite some time ago that you parents are seriously overstepping their boundaries with you. Interfering in a grown adults life for whimsical reasons of their own. You have been enabling them by co-operating with any of their nonsense. You have to make a break with them, the situation is totally unhealthy.

It seems you have sort of delayed growing up maybe because of their suffocating interfering parenting style.

Unregistered wrote: »

For the meanwhile I will just have to bear with it i suppose and hope that my boyf wil stand by me. Im not getting rid of him just yet either!!

Hope? He deserves more than that. Seize control of your own destiny and do not be a passive onlooker in your own life. You are not a child.

Boston

Meh, apples don't fall far from the tree. Sounds like you also think you can do better.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

As for "growing a backbone", trust me to stick with him over tears, lectures and even refusing to let me outside the door to go out to him,

You're 23, not 18. When exactly will you be thinking of starting to act like an adult?

It still really frustrating though to think of all my friends who can have their boyf stay over have them in to do normal things like watch a dvd, life isnt really fair is it.

Get over it.
I have a 21 year old daughter, if she wants to do the above, she can go get herself her own place.
My house isn't there to entertain half the world.
Your parents have the right to say no to people coming into their home and taking up space.

I'm sorry, but you sound like a total child. This is the kind of stuff my little sister was coming out with when she was 14. It sounds like you're making excuses to me. I'm your age and have been living on my own for the last 6 years. Yes, it can be very difficult and expensive, but I would go mental having to deal with all the parent stuff at this age. Some people seem to get on fine living at home into their mid twenties, but I think it's perfectly normal to have problems. Most parents will always see you as their child as long as you're under their roof. If you want them to start treating you like an adult, then you should start acting like one.

Sounds to me like you don't want the 'grown up' responsibilities like rent, bills, food and worrying about paying for them, but you want to have your bf over when it suits you. Life doesn't work like that, so stop moaning that 'it isn't fair'. If you want the independence other 23 year olds have, work for it.

ManOfMystery

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Seize control of your own destiny and do not be a passive onlooker in your own life.

One of the best things I've read on here in ages - this could be applicable to a lot of the OPs who have posted problems here.

Greyfox

This wrote: »

i sat them both down and talked calmly to them about it. basically explained why i was with him, that i was a big girl, while i appreciated their concerns i had to live my own life. i also asked them to refrain from making any more comments and judgements that i knew where they stood and i didnt need to hear it all the time....but never comprise your own happiness because other people want you to.

Excellent post, if your parents really care about your happiness they'll see sense and let you see him, I think you'd be the biggest eejit ever if you dumped your boyfriend because of your parents