Parents need to seperate

LegacyUser

Going Unregistered on this one, mods please move to a more appropriate forum if there is one.

Basically my parents are tearing apart my family, they are extremely unhappily married and fight all the time, sometimes they can hide it better than others but it's got to the stage where my siblings and I, as well as my own family and kids are getting sucked into the mess and I'm worried that it will affect my relationship with my siblings.

Their fighting has gotten very physical, Dad is covered in cuts and bruises all the time, which he almost wears as a badge of honour (shame) and insists on calling around to one of the kids with blood stained clothes to let us know how miserable he is, these visits are always followed up by a call from the mother justifying her actions and claiming that our father started it, blah de blah (same oul excuses all the time) he is passive aggressive towards my mother but never physically hurts her but, but he plays physiological warfare with her.

He doesn't work and lazes about the house all day doing nothing, she works half of the week and they basically kill each other the other half of the week.

We as a family need to intervene, and by intervene I mean legally force them to separate, sell the house and go their separate ways, she is saying she won't be bullied out of her home, he doesn't have the balls to go, we (the kids) can't look on any more as it's literally a game of who will drop dead first between them.

I don't know where to begin, do social services have any systems in place for forcing to 'consenting' adults that are too stupid/stubborn mentally deranged to separate? or do I just have to sit by and watch my parents kill themselves very slowly?

The marriage has been a sham for the last 25 years, why they never separated is beyond me, but I am determined to prevent my kids from witnessing (albeit second hand) what I grew up with.

Sorry about the rant but I'd really appreciate any advice on the first steps to take as once the ball is rolling I don't want it to stop until they are separated fully.

Overheal

Kids that want their parents to divorce... thats news to me. But I guess youre all grown up.

All I can say is refuse to play a part in it. I mean its almost a complete role reversal isnt it: he comes running to you now, showing his boo boos and looking for sympathy instead of doing what he needs to do, which is deal with it. Almost funny. But probably frustrating.

Thats all I got. Quit humouring them until they can sort their own **** out. Its not your place to tell them how to sort it out though.

Taltos

Yup - I really do not know of any way you can force them to separate.

But what you can do...
> Break all ties - no calls; do not answer door - nothing no matter how bad
> If there are younger kids in the house get social involved - they may take them into care - or place them with one of you if you can support them.

To me though it sounds like it is time to cut all ties and maybe consider getting some counselling for yourself to deal with hidden anger etc so that later in your life the feelings of anger/rage/helplessness do not bleed into your own relationship.

Sounds rotten though - but cut your ties and if that does not work get a restraining order...

edit
Maybe when they see how disgusting you find them they might be prompted into taking responsibility and action for themselves...
But that is not your concern - you just need to keep them away from yourself and maybe any younger kids.

CDfm

You can try calling the Amen helpline for male victims of domestic violence on 046 9023718 or look up www.amen.ie

Your Dad can apply for a Safety order at the District Court and in the Interim recieve a Protection order protecting him from further violence.

The Court is in camera and its totally private and the judgements are not published. If the violence does not stop he can seek a barring order requiring your mum to move.

What kind of a phrase is passive aggressive. If we dont like what a work colleague says we dont hit them, if the service is aslow in a resteraunt we dont pop one on the waitress and we dont assault and batter our partners.The law applies equally to women as it does to men and your mother has no right to hit him.

Read any website on domestic violence and they all say its about control.

So read the above website and download and print some of the literature and give it to him next time he is around.

Now in certain cases the HSE can intervene but it would need to be fairly bad and the people gaga! You cant force help on people unless they want it.

Rb

I agree with Overheal, refuse to play any part in their fights. If they try to talk about it, tell them you don't want to know, if they try to call you when you know they've had a fight, ignore the calls.

Eventually they'll sort it out, if they've noone to turn to they may seek a third party who can council them properly.

Regardless, it's not your position to tell them to end their marriage, or to force them to do so.

Whynotme

Get in touch with Amen as CDfm says. Your dad may be happy to take a few slaps at the moment, but what happens the day he has enough? Imagine the damage a man can (and many do) do to a woman? Do you want that to happen? He can also make an informal complaint to the Gardai so that it is on record. They will not call to her unless he says to.

CDfm

Whynotme wrote: »

Get in touch with Amen as CDfm says. Your dad may be happy to take a few slaps at the moment, but what happens the day he has enough? Imagine the damage a man can (and many do) do to a woman? Do you want that to happen? He can also make an informal complaint to the Gardai so that it is on record. They will not call to her unless he says to.

Or it could get much worse - what happens if a few slaps are not enough and its escalates and he gets badly injured???

If it happens again and he comes to you call the guards yourself.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions, in particular the AMEN site link.

The situation is coming to a head rapidly at home and if we (the kids) don't intervene now it will be a case of who drops dead first.

To address 1 or 2 of the concerns mentioned by some of the posters.

There are no young kids involved I'm mid 30's as is my brother and sister is late 20's so all kids out of home. No reason on their part not to seperate other than fear/stubborness/ God knows what!!

My mother is a very domineering aggressive figure, Dad is petrified of her (that's the only reason I can think of that he hasn't left at this stage) and his only way to retaliate (this is what I meant by my passive aggressive comment in my OP) is to not do what she tells/demands him to (petty stuff most of the time that flares up into massive rows) It's gotten to the stage where neither of them buy food for the house, Dad is an unstable diabetic to make matters worse.

I have taken the point about potential counselling for myself on-board and once I have resolved this problem (I have to take the responsibility of forcing a resolution at this stage as they are not going to themselves, he's too scared/weak, she's too stubborn (as I said to quote her 'I won't be driven out of my home') plus I suspect she is loathe to see him happy, which is what would happen if they went their seperate ways.

I will go and speak to someone if it will prevent me having any sort of anger issues that may affect my ability to be a good parent to my kids.

Typing this stuff down in itself has been very useful, the fact that I can be so blase about the domestic violence I/we have witnessed over the years says a lot, particularly when I read some of the reactions I have had from the posters here when I cite 1 example of her violence has been an eye opener.

Thanks again for all the useful contributions.