Feel so bad

LegacyUser

I don't know what i'm expecting by posting this but i just had to get it out.

I was feeling so stressed yesterday and my toddler was playing up, nothing serious, he's the best one and a half year old ever and we get on great, but he was wriggling on the changing mat while i was trying to put his nappy on and all i could think of was just let me put your nappy on so i can put you to bed for a nap and i can study (had an exam last night) and i got so worked up that i just lashed out and slapped his leg very hard, without even thinking. It was so bad it left a mark and needless to say he wailed. I burst into tears when i realised what i did and he actually stopped crying and threw his arms around me to comfort ME.

I feel so desparate, i can't believe i did that to his poor leg, and i can't stop thinking about it since. I haven't told my husband as i'm so ashamed of myself. I was beaten as a child regularly and i can't believe i have done something i feel so strongly against.

ogriofa

Hi, don't know if this helps but...

I hit my sister when I was 14/15. I felt like scum (and so I should). I mean real scum. Actual disgust.
I know 100% that I will never do it again. I've had plenty of conflict with females, and there has never been even a temptation to raise my hand. Doesn't even pop into my head.
Brought it up with my sister last year & she couldn't even remember it.
It's a lesson I treasure.

I would be a lot more worried if you weren't guilt ridden.
You better learn from this.

Give yourself a hard time, but don't slaughter yourself.
We're all human.

Otis Driftwood

Hi OP.

Dont be so hard on yourself.You were highly stressed out and it was just a momentary lapse.Plus as the previous poster said,you are guilt ridden as it is so it proves something like this is completly out of charector.

In fairness myself,like most people I know got a slap on the arse from time to time as children and it certainly did us not one iota of harm.

coadyj

ogriofa wrote: »

Hi, don't know if this helps but...

I hit my sister when I was 14/15. I felt like scum (and so I should). I mean real scum. Actual disgust.
I know 100% that I will never do it again. I've had plenty of conflict with females, and there has never been even a temptation to raise my hand. Doesn't even pop into my head.
Brought it up with my sister last year & she couldn't even remember it.
It's a lesson I treasure.

I would be a lot more worried if you weren't guilt ridden.
You better learn from this.

Give yourself a hard time, but don't slaughter yourself.
We're all human.

I had almost an exact similar experience, I hit my sister when I was younger and I still feel guilty about it, but, I think that the guilt has prevented me from ever touching another girl in my life. I had arguments with girlfriends where they have beaten the crap out of me and I would never even push them away.

You should remember this guilt and use it as a lesson for yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, it what you learn from them. You sound like a very caring mother so don't worry about it.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who replied so far. I still feel terrible and that's just magnified by the fact that my son is so forgiving. I definitly won't forget this feeling in a hurry, but what worries me is the fact that i just lashed out before even thinking about it. I've never done anything without thinking before and it just scares me.

January

OP sorry to hear you lashed out at your baby. Being a parent is stressful and sometimes it can really take it's toll on you, especially when you have other things going on.

What I suggest you do the next time you feel overwhelmed is put your baby in his cot or playpen (doesn't matter if he's nappyless or not), step outside the room and take a breather. If your baby cries it's alright, a little crying won't hurt the baby. Count to ten if you have to.

Firetrap

Sorry to hear you're so upset OP but try not to think about it too much. I'm pretty sure my mum slapped me from time to time when I was small and it didn't stop me loving her to bits as I grew up. Your little boy is too young to remember the slap - I bet it's made far more of a lasting impact on you than on him. He's probably forgotten about it by now and that's the truth. If you feel you don't ever want to slap your son from now on, be aware that you can snap and take steps to avoid having an upsetting situation like that again.

LegacyUser

Thank you. I'm very surprised people are being so understanding, I really expected to be berated for what i did, and rightly so. I just wish I could handle the pressure better at the moment, instead of shouting and acting like a bully.

neuro-praxis

It sounds like you need some support.

Do you have a friend or relative who could take the baby for a few hours every week?

LegacyUser

neuro-praxis wrote: »

It sounds like you need some support.

Do you have a friend or relative who could take the baby for a few hours every week?

I just have 3 more weeks before I finish what i'm studying, and then I've a holiday booked so after a good rest things should return to normal. It's been a really tough year but I've acheived a lot, I left my chosen career and retrained at something that would allow me look after my son and any future children full time while still working. I think I put added pressure on myself as all of my results have been in the 90 percents and juggling a baby full time as well as left me feeling a bit frazzled to say the least, and guilty too, for not having time to play with my son and give him my full attention.

username123

Chill out. You lost the rag, lashed out, did no real damage besides a big fright to yourself and your child and now youre eaten up with guilt.

So what does that tell you? You behaved out of character. You have too much on your plate right now and you need a better way of handling stress. You are aware what you did was wrong - but understandable under the circumstances. Youre not trying to justify your actions - you made a mistake, no one is hurt, so deal with it and move on and consider some kind of stress relief activity that might help you deal better with stress in the future - obviously youve a lot on right now, but its important to acknowledge that stress can cause you to snap suddenly, and to take preventative steps (for your own sake btw, not because I think youre suddenly gonna snap and start beating all around you!!!).

Good luck with the exams and hope you become stress free soon!