Lack of friends..what to do??

LegacyUser

Hi all...sad question now...

Im 43 male, divorced, one child..good job house car etc etc ...Ive had a few relationships since divorce..all have come to a sad end...

Now I have JUST realised that the reason is that I dont have many close friends...so I have been seeking (incl marrying a totally unsuitable woman..) to replace the void in my life with a women who I devote 100% of my time and energy...not a receipe for success...

I have one brother but we dont get along, parents dead, cousins few and far between and dont really knwo them ..they all live down the country anyhow...


Dunno how I ended up here as I am actually quite outgoing and friendly and love company..lots of company...
but failure of most recent relatioship has led me to see whats wrong in my life...

So knowing the problem now (at last..) how can I solve it?? I need to widen my circle of friends...I do have a few close friends but they are generally busy with their own lives...

Have just moved to a new area..so how can I get out and meet people in the area that might be like minded? I do have a specific 'hobby' and have quite a few outings etc through that but I need more and have made a coupkle of good friends ...

Any ideas? I usually make friends easily but loose contact just as quick...

If the suggestions are .. join a club or take a class..you have to remember that at my age most people have their own lives and 'breaking into' that is nigh impossible...

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

you need to change the concept of being lonely to being alone.

I was in a very similar situation, no family and felt very lonely. I work from home too. I actually had to start having a better relationship with myself first before my life got better. This is the key, if your putting it out there that i need friends i need friends this will not have the effect you want and bring them to you, it will have the opposite effect, all the universe hears is -needy and friends!

you have to change your thoughts to... I have plenty of friends, i am surrounded by understanding people i have a wonderful new home and many people are drawn to me, i have many positive relationships, i may be alone but my life is full and happy,

It might sound corney to affirm this but it really is down to how you think about yourself that you attract others to you, and there is nothing more attractive than a strong confident person, the more you ooze a positive vibe the more people will be attracted to you.

This is the concept of the law of attraction, your thoughts create your future, I used the book 'the secret' to help me change my underling negative beliefs and now my life is full and happy. if you always do what you have always done in relationships then you will always get what you have always got in relationships, change the thoughts that you deserve more and it will come to you, most of us are afraid to ask for more because the old relationships are all we know but build a new image of the perfect friend for you and once you have that clearly it will show up into your life.

Unregistered

Two practical things:

Unregistered wrote: »

Any ideas? I usually make friends easily but loose contact just as quick...

Why do you lose contact so quickly?

Unregistered wrote: »

If the suggestions are .. join a club or take a class..you have to remember that at my age most people have their own lives and 'breaking into' that is nigh impossible...

Why would you think that this would be nigh impossible? There are many networking groups, social clubs, social events and activities for over-40s and (I believe) MANY people in exactly the same position as you are. Do you have a hobby? Something you love doing? How about volunteering for a charity?

You "sound" a little down but at the same time it would appear you've had an epiphany! Don't waste it!

Carpe diem!!

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Two practical things:



Why do you lose contact so quickly?



Why would you think that this would be nigh impossible? There are many networking groups, social clubs, social events and activities for over-40s and (I believe) MANY people in exactly the same position as you are. Do you have a hobby? Something you love doing? How about volunteering for a charity?

You "sound" a little down but at the same time it would appear you've had an epiphany! Don't waste it!

Carpe diem!!

Op here

yes indeed..I most certainly have had an epiphany..and I will not waste it...

Down after most recent relationship split...again it was most likely down to me putting too much into it and expecting it to solve my own issues...realise now it was very silly...

I do have a hobby (not saying exactly what on here..) and have a large group of friends from that and we meet quite often..but not for nights out etc..but as I said already..they mostly have their own lives sorted already so it would be quite difficult to 'break in to that'

I am really friendly affable witty and whenIm buzzing people are attracted to me...but but for some reason havent got too many friends....

coadyj

Hi OP,

Learn how to scuba diving, you can learn at any age, you meet a group of people who are also just starting, you go on trips away, and by the end of the course you are all the best of friends.

Just my two cents

LegacyUser

coadyj wrote: »

Hi OP,

Learn how to scuba diving, you can learn at any age, you meet a group of people who are also just starting, you go on trips away, and by the end of the course you are all the best of friends.

Just my two cents

That is actually a very good plan. The scuba diving crowd are close knit, as are the surfers.
Amateur radio is another

LegacyUser

coadyj wrote: »

Hi OP,

Learn how to scuba diving, you can learn at any age, you meet a group of people who are also just starting, you go on trips away, and by the end of the course you are all the best of friends.

Just my two cents

Interesting option..I do love the water..cheers..

keep those options coming....ye are all a fab lot :-)

LegacyUser

I wonder how many other people are in a similiar situation?

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I wonder how many other people are in a similiar situation?

Lots of people are. Very similar situation myself and going to counselling after my break up I've discovered that one has to try and find the reason you don't expect very much out of friends, why losing and gaining friends happens easily.

If you find it easy enough to be chatty with people and find others who have similar interests to you then what you need to do is try and learn to expect those friends to remain your friends. I know in my situation, what has happened is any friends I've made, when situations change I never tried to keep them as my friends, I just accepted that when changing jobs, leaving college, moving house, friends would leave, but that doesn't have to be the case.

Hope that helps a little, even if just in knowing that others have very similar circumstances

LegacyUser

you should totally join tag rugby you will make loads of new friends see if you work has a team there does be hundreds of ppl at the games its good fun, get fit, lots of ladies and they have burgers and some drinks after you would probably really enjoy it.

LegacyUser

Hi people...need your help again on this one....

I kinda think Im having a nervous breakdown at this stage...thinking very dark and dangerous thoughts..

Its the weekend .. two of my 'friends' are away..not that id see them anyhow..Ive noone AT ALL to meet, see, go for a beer...whatever....

As I have said Ive no family, friends such as they are are busy with their own thing ...HELP !!

Karen_*

What sort of thoughts are you having? Just keep telling yourself that those dark thoughts are not real and they are whats making you feel bad.

Book yourself a gig ticket, a cinema ticket. Head to a park tomorrow and go for lunch somewhere. Learn to enjoy your own company. Even go to an art gallery and have a look around.

If you start to enjoy your own company you'll not only be ok being alone but you won't seem needy and that will attract mates to you.

I just booked myself to go to a few gigs on my own and far from feeling sad I actually feel great about myself for doing it and being independant and most of all nto giving into the fear that I'm spending some time alone. Its great, try it!

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi people...need your help again on this one....

I kinda think Im having a nervous breakdown at this stage...thinking very dark and dangerous thoughts..

Its the weekend .. two of my 'friends' are away..not that id see them anyhow..Ive noone AT ALL to meet, see, go for a beer...whatever....

As I have said Ive no family, friends such as they are are busy with their own thing ...HELP !!

Op, there is more going on here than just being a bit lonely, it seems you are unable to sit with yourself, there seems to be some anxiety and intense feelings coming up for you, it is important to find a way to be able to sit with yourself and if you do not start listening to what your body is saying, you will repress your feelings further, are you running away from your feelings and using friends to fill that void,

Friends are not going to take away these feelings for you, everyone gets to a stage where they need to do some work within, maybe see a therapist and get to the bottom of it, maybe some pain in your past is surfacing which needs attention.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Op, there is more going on here than just being a bit lonely, it seems you are unable to sit with yourself, there seems to be some anxiety and intense feelings coming up for you, it is important to find a way to be able to sit with yourself and if you do not start listening to what your body is saying, you will repress your feelings further, are you running away from your feelings and using friends to fill that void,

Friends are not going to take away these feelings for you, everyone gets to a stage where they need to do some work within, maybe see a therapist and get to the bottom of it, maybe some pain in your past is surfacing which needs attention.

OK whats going on is .......


I just split up with gf...it was a rather bad break too..but we are back talking meeting and have agreed to try again...although I wont be living with her again for now at least...

I tend to block out all friends when with a girl and concentrate SOLELY on the relationship which results in losing friends and causing difficulties in relationship as Im being too intense for most people (I realise this and it wont happen again..)
Fingers crossed all will be ok with gf as Im crazy bout her...

So that leaves me sitting alone in my new house .. still kinda 'going out' with her..but not living with her (we had been living together for last 8 months..)
I lost contact with all friends, as usual..over last year or so..and my two good mates are away...

So every morning I awake alone, every evening alone in house..when all I want is to be back with her but certainly for the mo know I cant as we will have to work on that...

Her life has continued as was, kids, work, house, family etc..except that Im not there...so I NEED to stop moping around, waiting till next time I see her and get out with friends (which is the issue at hand..)
I dont eat I dont sleep Im a shambles so I need to start getting out...preferably on the beer LOL - I also realise that I need to sort myself out if this is to work out with gf......

There - thats as honest as I can be.................