Would you stay?

LegacyUser · 09-06-2009 8:28pm #1

Hi just looking for a few opinions,..
Would you stay in a relationship if you knew your other half doesnt want the same things in life as you do such as marriage, kids, own house. Would you stay with them and give up the things you want because you love them?? Or would you leave them??

Beth1978 · 09-06-2009 8:39pm

That's a tough one. I do believe that if you love someone you will have to make some sort of sacrifices throughout the relationship but the ones you mentioned are life changing and I feel if you were to give up on them that it might eventually turn into some sort of resentment and inturn, taking it out on your partner and eventually breaking up. If you have a passion for having kids its a difficult one to try and suppress and you may regret it later on in life when its too late to have them. Just my opinion. Best of luck, I hope you get some clarity here and your situation works out.

Lucy Lu · 09-06-2009 8:47pm

TBH, I don't think I would stay. Marriage, house and children are very major things not to agree on.

Yes I agree, all relationships are about compromise but if you feel you are giving up all you want for a person who is is not willing to make any compromise back, you need to seriously re-consider things.

If it is not sorted now these things will become an issue in the future.

Rb · 09-06-2009 8:52pm

Marriage, house and children are all stable courses in life, even indepent of each other if you have one, you're generally on a relatively stable path.

If someone wants none of these, they're going to have a very unstable and uncertain future and that's not something many want to be a part of.

The term "settling down" comes to mind, as it is indicitive of stability, relative certainty and a good potential future.

If he/she can't even settle on a house, there's quite a good chance they'll never settle with a partner and are *probably* best avoided, particularly if a normal life is what you're after.

If you're on the other side and do not want these things, do the person a favour and don't string them along.

LegacyUser · 09-06-2009 8:56pm

In my opinion, that's too much to be giving up for a partner. If you do give these thing up you will only end up resenting him in years to come. It sounds as if he he afraid to commit and the relationship will eventually fizzle out. As a couple, you need to be aiming for the same things not pulling in opposite directions.

Salome · 09-06-2009 9:03pm

To be honest, this guy doesn't sound like he's interested in the trappings of a committed relationship.

When me and my OH got together, he told me that he wasn't that interested in having kids. To be honest, it wasn't high on my list of things that I needed to do. After a few months together, he told me that he'd changed his mind - he realised that he wanted me to be the mother of his children. I think when a man is ready to commit, he will think of all the things that a real full relationship consists of and if he's ready, then he'll throw himself into it.

If a man isn't committed, you might as well be talking to a brick wall.

LegacyUser · 09-06-2009 9:11pm

Thanks for all the comments, i am the one who wants the kids, marriage etc and i was hoping that in a few years maybe he would come around to the idea but i am probably fooling myself.
We are both early twenties so its not really an issue now so i dont know if i should i carry on for now and see how things go or get out.

LegacyUser · 09-06-2009 9:14pm

Quote <<<If someone wants none of these, they're going to have a very unstable and uncertain future and that's not something many want to be a part of.

The term "settling down" comes to mind, as it is indicitive of stability, relative certainty and a good potential future.

If he/she can't even settle on a house, there's quite a good chance they'll never settle with a partner and are *probably* best avoided, particularly if a normal life is what you're after.>> EndQuote

So if a person doesn't get married, have kids and /or own a house they are 'unstable' and don't want a 'normal' life? Thats quite a statement to make... If someone doesn't wish to follow what you deem as a 'normal' path they are best avoided? Wow... I must pass on that knowledge to some of my single, un-married, childless friends and family members... They seem happy but.. I guess they can't be if they don't want the 'normal' things in life... right?? Good Lord...

OP, the only thing in question here is whether you see yourself long term with you OH? There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a house, kids and a marriage, just as there is absolutely nothing wrong with NOT wanting them.. however when two people come together and want very different things in the long term then you have to either let things develop or decide to nip it in the bud if its not going to go where you really wish it to... I guess age can sometimes come into play here...

Salome · 09-06-2009 9:22pm

OP, he's very young - he probably hadn't thought of these things until you mentioned it. Can I suggest that you take it slowly - see how the relationship goes and when you get to the stage of committing or breaking it off, have the conversation again. He's far too young to give you the answer you're looking for, at this stage.

If he still feels the same then, you can decide what you want to do next.

SarahSassy · 10-06-2009 9:05am

Salome wrote: »

OP, he's very young - he probably hadn't thought of these things until you mentioned it. Can I suggest that you take it slowly - see how the relationship goes and when you get to the stage of committing or breaking it off, have the conversation again. He's far too young to give you the answer you're looking for, at this stage.

If he still feels the same then, you can decide what you want to do next.

I agree that he is very young and when I was his age, I strongly vowed never to get married or have kids, which are things I would like to do now that I am a (good) bit older.

He could change his mind but do you want to hang round to find out?

DamoKen · 10-06-2009 9:25am

SarahSassy wrote: »

I agree that he is very young and when I was his age, I strongly vowed never to get married or have kids, which are things I would like to do now that I am a (good) bit older.

He could change his mind but do you want to hang round to find out?

chances are there's no could about it. I can't think of any guy myself included who thought about marraige, house & kids in our early 20's. Move that on to mid 30's and almost every last one of us is married, is about to get married, have kids or are trying for kids.

OP if you were both in your early 30's I think this would be a much more pertinent question as at that stage most guys would know whether they want this, especially if in an LTR.

as has been said, both he and you are at the age where these are not number one priorities (for the majority). Travel, going out with your mates and having fun are which is fine. Better to do all that while you're free from the responsibilites of kids, mortgage etc rather than looking back in years to come thinking you missed out.

Saucey-Susie · 10-06-2009 9:45am

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi just looking for a few opinions,..
Would you stay in a relationship if you knew your other half doesnt want the same things in life as you do such as marriage, kids, own house. Would you stay with them and give up the things you want because you love them?? Or would you leave them??

Leave them. If marriage and kids and a house is important to you, you are going to want it and you are gonna hope, down the line, that they will change their mind. It will cause a lot of arguements and wont work out

a friend of mine was seeing a guy who didnt want to get married or have kids or buy a house, and to me its all she ever talked about. She stayed with him anyway and talked him around on the kids front, and then talked him around on the marriage front, or so she thought, but he felt pressure on his end to do all these things for her he didnt want to do. Huge fight came and they broke up, and she is delighted that they did break up because she knows not to cut herself short and she knows exactly whats she wants in her future and wont just settle

Ginny · 10-06-2009 10:17am

It depends on how important those things are to you. They were too important to me, and essentially boild down to breaking up with an ex.
If you decide loving them is more important then what you want, make sure you're sure, if you're staying with them in the hopes they'll change, get out now. They won't change and you'll end up resenting them for preventing you from having what you want in life.

DamoKen · 10-06-2009 10:27am

Ginny wrote: »

If you decide loving them is more important then what you want, make sure you're sure, if you're staying with them in the hopes they'll change, get out now. They won't change and you'll end up resenting them for preventing you from having what you want in life.

sorry but that is just wrong. They won't change??? The OP has said they are both in their early 20's. Personally I have changed a massive amount since then. Not character wise, still the same person with the same core values, but my priorities and goals are very very different now.

It's called growing up, and growing up is all about change.

I'm not advising the OP to staying with the guy or leave him. Only she can make that call. Just highlighting that not eveyone at that age has the rest of their life mapped out and priorities do change. Me? Knowing what I'd be doing in 6 months was optimistic

Peewee_lane · 10-06-2009 10:36am

When you're in your early 20s OP, its hard to imagine settling down to some, when there is so much out there. Also, when people think about 'settling down' they associate it with a picture in their head, which may be good or bad - couples that didnt work out, pregnant young, broke - or good positive family pictures, it varies from one to the next.

Sometimes its nice to say " some day... I would like this with you..." Never pinning it down, and then the OH can say, "well some day I would like to have this with you...." Its not really about making a major plan and sticking to it, its just knowing that you want to share things in life together whilst you stay together.

Now, if hes adamant he doesnt want kids, thats kind of a whole other kettle of fish. I just felt from your post that your both early 20's and your freaking out wanting a house, etc and hes holding back.

SarahSassy · 11-06-2009 2:36pm

DamoKen wrote: »

Knowing what I'd be doing in 6 months was optimistic

So how do you know you wouldnt change your mind then?

DamoKen · 11-06-2009 2:42pm

SarahSassy wrote: »

So how do you know you wouldnt change your mind then?

thats the point. I didn't know. In my early 20's my priorities and plans changed a lot more frequently than they do now as most plans were more short term as in where was I going on holidays, what course to do, where to go Saturday night etc etc etc.

Just because her boyfriend isn't thinking of marraige, kids, house now doesn't mean that is set in stone. Chances are as he gets a bit older this will change.

Munster_Gal · 11-06-2009 3:01pm

I'm not 100% sure I want to have children (but at the same time didn't want someone taking the option away from me)and marraige was never high on my list of priorities but I always wanted my own house with someone I loved.

This all came up in conversation over drinks one night and my ex told me that he did not want to have any more children and wasn't sure he wanted to have a house with me either (he already had a son from another relationship).

At the time I was gutted and thought about finishing things but I decided that I loved him and that being with him was more important - about a month later he ended things and this was on of the reasons he gave. I was and still am devastated by it and I'm really annoyed that I chose to change what I wanted for him! I should have finished it when the subject came up.

If you are 100% sure that this is what you want in your life, then you need to finish it! Never give up who you are for someone else!

Nitxteha · 11-06-2009 3:50pm

It's a hard decition. In the long term, it's better to be with someone who wants the same things in life as you.

You are very young, though. Make sure he doesn't want the same as you, or that he does not want those things with you (this is a tough possibility..)or that he is just waiting for the best moment to take those decitions.

You have time, take it easy and if you have a good relationship don't try to rush things too much.

Would you stay?

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