Marriage Problems

LegacyUser

Hello, I dont know if anyone can help me. I am looking for advice on where the fork in the road is taking me now. I am 36 and married to my husband for just five years. We have had our ups and downs in this time but I've felt we've always had that "connection" that would see us through anything.
My husband is not Irish and sometimes uses this against me. He says I should have married Irish and I would be happy. I have travelled a lot in my lifetime and never expected to be married. I was and am very independent, something that he loved.
Well, now I am pregnant, after 2 miscarriages and we are on the verge of separation. He has said some very cruel things lately. I am trying to forgive. My hormones are all over the place (I have explained this and asked him to go easy) and am having trouble keeping my reaction to him in check. When he says these things (you will never make me happy, you are impossible, you are not normal, I could do better) then I raise my voice in anger, something I hate to do.
He says the things in our marriage that are wrong are: that I snore and he cannot sleep with me and therefore does not get his rightful amount of sex. I explained that he knew I snored when we got married and other couples have the same issue. He said all along that we could not get pregnant due to my being overweight. Ironically, I am at my heaviest and blooming this time (fingers & toes crossed).
I do care for him. I accept his faults and want to work at this but he has such unrealistic expectations. He thinks we should just be happy and never argue, whereas I want to find a healthy way to argue/compromise. When I ask how we can fix the problems, he says we should just forget them and be happy. I have now said I cant move forward without counselling. It has taken a week for him to say yes. I am just afraid now that he will just sit there.
Anyway, maybe someone can relate and tell me I am not crazy to want help.
Thanks for letting me exhale.

m'lady

Unregistered wrote: »

Hello, I dont know if anyone can help me. I am looking for advice on where the fork in the road is taking me now. I am 36 and married to my husband for just five years. We have had our ups and downs in this time but I've felt we've always had that "connection" that would see us through anything.
My husband is not Irish and sometimes uses this against me. He says I should have married Irish and I would be happy. I have travelled a lot in my lifetime and never expected to be married. I was and am very independent, something that he loved.
Well, now I am pregnant, after 2 miscarriages and we are on the verge of separation. He has said some very cruel things lately. I am trying to forgive. My hormones are all over the place (I have explained this and asked him to go easy) and am having trouble keeping my reaction to him in check. When he says these things (you will never make me happy, you are impossible, you are not normal, I could do better) then I raise my voice in anger, something I hate to do.
He says the things in our marriage that are wrong are: that I snore and he cannot sleep with me and therefore does not get his rightful amount of sex. I explained that he knew I snored when we got married and other couples have the same issue. He said all along that we could not get pregnant due to my being overweight. Ironically, I am at my heaviest and blooming this time (fingers & toes crossed).
I do care for him. I accept his faults and want to work at this but he has such unrealistic expectations. He thinks we should just be happy and never argue, whereas I want to find a healthy way to argue/compromise. When I ask how we can fix the problems, he says we should just forget them and be happy. I have now said I cant move forward without counselling. It has taken a week for him to say yes. I am just afraid now that he will just sit there.
Anyway, maybe someone can relate and tell me I am not crazy to want help.
Thanks for letting me exhale.

Hi op, my heart broke while reading your thread, and thats being honest with you. It seems no matter what you do he is not going to be happy. These problems cannot, and are not all your fault, and for you to get through this you need to realise that. You should be able to vent with your husband about things that are bothering you without worrying. He should also be supporting you through your pregnancy.

For the record I don't think you are crazy to want help, you are trying to keep your marriage in tact, for both, you, your husband and your future baby. I really hope the counselling works, good luck x

LegacyUser

Your husband sounds like a very controlling person & by the sounds of it you are trying to please him but being worn down by it all. You need to think of your own and the babys health in all of this. I hope the counselling works out.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

He says the things in our marriage that are wrong are: that I snore and he cannot sleep with me and therefore does not get his rightful amount of sex.

He doesn't happen to come from a country where women are seperated from men?
I'm only asking as his expectations seem to be so unrealistic that you would swear he never met a real woman before marrying you.
What's the name of the rule book that states what the 'rightful amount of sex' is?

Anyway, if you still care for him then give the counselling a go. At this stage you have nothing to loose and perhaps he will come to see that his expectations are waaaay too high.

wasper

Beruthiel wrote: »

He doesn't happen to come from a country where women are seperated from men?

What a stupid statement & you are supposed to be a moderator? Who moderates you.

Mena

wasper wrote: »

What a stupid statement & you are supposed to be a moderator? Who moderates you.

It seemed a perfectly valid question based on a ) the OP states the husband is not Irish and b ) the husbands seemingly obviously unrealistic expectations. A positive response to the question would go a long way to explaining the behaviour, in my view.

Nevyn

Wasper 1 week ban.

Oh The Humanity

My husband is not Irish and sometimes uses this against me. He says I should have married Irish and I would be happy.

He is projecting his faults back onto you. As in its your fault for marrying him that the two of you are not happy rather than his outrageous backward attitudes.

I have travelled a lot in my lifetime and never expected to be married. I was and am very independent, something that he loved.

Hm, be wary of men that specify that they 'love' independant women, sometimes they are the very ones who turn out to be the ones who want to dominate and control you.....

He has said some very cruel things lately, you will never make me happy, you are impossible, you are not normal, I could do better
He says the things in our marriage that are wrong are: that I snore and he cannot sleep with me and therefore does not get his rightful amount of sex.

This beggars belief. Counselling definitely.

When I ask how we can fix the problems, he says we should just forget them and be happy

Be happy? He stated he could do better and he expects you to 'be happy' with him?

carly_86

He sounds like a typical male pig

prissylee

He is a real rotter for the way he is treating you. And especially when you are pregnant and have suffered two miscarriages. This should be a happpy time for you having gone through your miscarraiges. And to have that pig saying all those horrrible, horrible things. You should stand your ground and definitley get him to go to counselling with you. Someone needs to point out how cruel he is being to you (i.e. the counsellor - someone he does not know and will not take his side automatically).

lynnsback

That is actual emotional abuse. He needs counselling.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

VaioCruiser

I could write a long reply but then I thought no ...

The key question is: Do you love him ? . . . . it looks like you don't any more.

If not, then counseling is just going to prolong the agony. It really and truly looks to me like you need to face what is in front of you. It is over, and the sooner you get out and start your new life the better.

I apologise if that is brutal and insensitive advice. But that is how it looks to me.

All the best.