Mother making my life miserable

LegacyUser

Just a bit of background as trying to keep this short. I'm 24, one older sister and one younger, 16. I'm back living at home about 6 months due to some issues which I'm not going to go into but as it stands financially I am not able to move out at the moment.

I've never had a great relationship with my mother, I can never remember her even giving me a hug. When I think back over the years the years her reaction to me when I was naughty was really horrible, I was never unruly or anything, but even if I made a mistake and broke a cup or something she would say horrible things to me & used language that I wouldn't use to anyone, certainly not a child. For as long as I can remember she has vaied between being cold towards me to being spiteful and mean. I found out a few years ago that she had post-natal depression with me and I've often wondered if it something to do with that.

She doesn't seem this way with my sisters. When i got to the age where I moved out she never came to visit me or anything, where as she would often pop into my older sister for a cup of tea. She dotes on & spoils my younger sister.

I came to just accept that we were never going to have that sort of relationship and left it at that.

Now that I am back home things have gotten much worse. She has an attitude with me all the time and barks at me if I even ask a question. She picks on everything I do, comments on the food I eat if it's not low-fat & healthy enough (I'm a size 8 btw so no health issues she is worrying about). My younger sister is your typical spoiled 16 year old, she steals my make-up etc and when I ask my mother to try to intervene or punish her somehow she makes it into an argument and somehow twists it into me being unreasonable.

I know these things probably sound very petty but it is all the time, and it's really getting to me. I try to stay out of the house & spend as much time with my friends/boyfriend as possible but even that she finds something to comment on with snide remarks about me "staying out all night", I'm no party animal but I think at 24 if I want to stay at my boyfriends it my right to do so. I try to keep my head down and ignore her but sometimes I just can't take it and have spoken back to her.

She's said to me that I ahve no right to speak to my mother that way but cannot see that she has no right to speak to me the way she does.

It's gotten to the point where this is effecting my relationship with my father. She is constantly feeding him stories and twisting things to show herself in the better light. I'm pretty sure she is saying things to my older sister as well. It's like she is trying to turn everyone against me. I get on fine with my sisters and have always had a good relationship with my dad for however long more that's going to last.

I'm starting to ramble now but I jsut wanted to know if anyone had any sugestions on how to deal with this.

Slow Motion

Hi OP

I'm afraid there is probably not much you can do if your mother won't listen to reason except to put up with it until you can move out, could you not move in with your boyfriend? Is it possible you can have a chat with your father? Even if he won't intercede with your mother maybe he can give you some financial assistance to move out!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Some years back in my early 20s because of finances I had to move back in with my parents and I went through the same kind of thing with my mother.
You are too old to be living at home and you have changed a lot in the last few years probably..but your Mam is relating to you as a child. My mam did this as well and I know other girls who went through it too....the dynamics of your mother/daughter relationship have changed. Some years later my mam and I laughed about it cos it was so bad at the time I honestly thought I was an unplanned baby or something! The truth is we were very, very alike and she loved me dearly..she just wasn't used to relating to me as an adult that was all. Your mam loves you, she held you in her arms...you are just too big for the nest that's all.
If you can move out then maybe do so, at the time I went away to a female friend's house to get a bit of space. As for the boyfriend thing ..all mothers of daughters worry about that..even f it is the 21st century she is still your mam.

LegacyUser

I'm afraid moving out or moving in with the boyfriend is not an option at the moment. I don't want to be a financial burden on my father either.

Our issues go back much further than this I'm afraid so I don't think it's down to the dynamics of our relationship having changed. I could deal with it when I didn't have to see her everyday, it's gotten much worse now that I do have to see her.

So looks like I'm just stuck with it

Movershaker

It does sound like the problem goes a lot deeper than you simply moving back home after a few years.

I remember hearing or reading about similiar situation before, where there was post natal depression involved. In that case the mother was aware that she treated this child differently and felt awful about it but couldn't control it.

Do you think there's any way you could sit your mam down and tell her how you feel? In a non-confrontational way that is. It's a tricky one, maybe it would be a good idea to speak to a professional about it first to see what the best way to approach it would be. Basically just to explain to her that it really gets you down that you don't have a good relationship and you feel that because it's not the same with your other siblings that maybe there's some reason for it. Maybe she doesn't realise what she's doing.

It's a toughie OP, I hope you get some peace soon.

LegacyUser

I was in a similar situation to you and I'm same age.

My mother has been abusive towards me and all of her kids.
While the way your mother is acting is more subtle I think in a sense I think its worse for you because its just you she is like that with.

You are doing well to ignore her. So well done!
Keep reminding yourself she is the one who the issue is with. It is not your fault!

I have no doubt your dad knows the way she is even if he wont say it/ admit it- the truth always comes out in the end. trust me!

Do your best. keep your chin up. stay out of the house as much as possible. before you know it soon you can move out and move on!

chin up

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

Just a bit of background as trying to keep this short. I'm 24, one older sister and one younger, 16. I'm back living at home about 6 months due to some issues which I'm not going to go into but as it stands financially I am not able to move out at the moment.

Find a way. Seriously.

24 is no age to still be living with a parent. It just isn't possible to live in the same house day in and day out without grating on each others nerves.

Noffles

Sounds like a right b*tch, I'm all for parents deserving respect for bringing you up and all that but some simply abuse the whole thing.... for your own sake get out of there, do anything, the cow will turn everyone against you!

Hope you move on from all of this, it breeds resentment and no matter what you do you'll always be doing wrong!

Latchy

I do sympathise with you OP. Your dependence on her now is what she thrives on and she thinks this gives her a right to treat you the way she does. Perhaps you may set yourself a goal which is to eventually cut the rope that's tying you to your mother . You have to control your own life and she like it or not, will eventually have to wake up to that fact .

LegacyUser

OP here thanks for the replies everyone.

Find a way. Seriously.

24 is no age to still be living with a parent. It just isn't possible to live in the same house day in and day out without grating on each others nerves.

I wish I could.

It's not a case of STILL living there. I got my first part-time job at 15 and moved out when I was 18. I'm only back there now due to a dodgy ex-bf who racked up quite a bit of debt in my name. I'm putting myself through college by night at the minute which is fairly costly and while I do pay rent/bill contributions it wouldn't be enought to cover the costs if I moved out. I'm really stuck there til I finish college/or get a raise which won't be coming soon as I have a pay freeze.

Noffles I agree that parents deserve respect ( I think that every person does), she doesn't seem to think that I do to which is where the problems lies.

I'm feeling a bit better now, I won't be home all weekend which is great. it just really gets on top of me at times.

Thanks for the replies. Have a good weekend everyone