No thank you!

LegacyUser

Please give me some badly needed advise and support, I don' t know where to turn.

I don't enjoy having sex with my husband anymore. In a nutshell, it just feels like a hassle. We have just had a bit of a blow up. As you can imagine he feels very frustrated and neglected. I can appreciate that completely - which makes me feel more pressurised and as a result more turned off the whole thing.

We have been together 12 years, I don't think our sex live has even been wonderful but he seems to have his rose tinted glasses on believing it was all great in the past.

To set the record straight, he is a wonderful man, I love him dearly. He is great fun, so considerate, kind, generous - everything you would wish for in a partner. He is a fantastic Dad. So, what the hell is going on????

To avoid the possibility of sex I now seem to avoid kissing, hugs or even touching as we pass each other in a busy house - he seems to think that kissing means only one thing. We have talked about this so many times but we seem to be on different wave lengths.

Oh God, I just want to curl in bed and cry my eyes out.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

We have been together 12 years, I don't think our sex live has even been wonderful but he seems to have his rose tinted glasses on believing it was all great in the past.

So your sex life was never good? Did you ever communicate this to him? Tell him it wasn't working for you? Ask him to try something different?

If you went along as if everything was ok, obviously it's a bolt from the blue to him that you don't want sex anymore. You need to figure out concrete reasons why you don't want it, and you need to figure out a way to fix those problems.

It is not ok for you to deprive your husband of sex just because you don't feel like it any more. You owe it to him to make the effort and try to revive your sex life. He'll need to make more of an effort to make it more enjoyable for you, too.

username123

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't enjoy having sex with my husband anymore.

Why not? I can understand all the other feelings about it being a hassle and how youd avoid simpler contacts in case it leads to it if you dont enjoy it - but fundamentally, why dont you enjoy sex with your husband anymore?

Have you thought of speaking to your GP about this? Lack of libido can occur for many reasons. Do you feel sexually attracted to other men (or fantasy men like actors etc..?). Or do you just not feel horny anymore in general?

If you can get to the root of why you dont enjoy it with your husband you will be a long way toward fixing the problem.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

It is not ok for you to deprive your husband of sex just because you don't feel like it any more. You owe it to him to make the effort and try to revive your sex life.

Why does she owe it to him?

It's not the dark ages any more - a woman doesn't have to fulfil 'wifely duties' just because her husband wants it. If you're not attracted to someone you shouldn't feel forced to have sex with them.

Shellyboo - would you have sex with someone you didn't fancy just because he wanted it? Well, would you? Not only is that attitude dangerous but it puts women right back into the position of being their husbands property.

OP - you need to decide whether or not you think you and your husband can work through this - do you see yourselves getting the spark back? Do you reckon you could fancy him again? If not, you need to figure something out, for his sake and yours - you both have a right to feel fulfilled, but not if one partner isn't willing.

LegacyUser

To be honest I kind of expected these replies, thank you for taking the time to reply I do appreciate it.

Let's see, do I fancy him? Not as much as I used to. Am I attracted to other men? No. Have I told him how I feel? Yes. Have I listened to how he feels? Yes.

I am dreading our chat this evening. I am too emotional.

Rb

Unregistered wrote: »

Why does she owe it to him?

It's not the dark ages any more - a woman doesn't have to fulfil 'wifely duties' just because her husband wants it. If you're not attracted to someone you shouldn't feel forced to have sex with them.

Shellyboo - would you have sex with someone you didn't fancy just because he wanted it? Well, would you? Not only is that attitude dangerous but it puts women right back into the position of being their husbands property.

OP - you need to decide whether or not you think you and your husband can work through this - do you see yourselves getting the spark back? Do you reckon you could fancy him again? If not, you need to figure something out, for his sake and yours - you both have a right to feel fulfilled, but not if one partner isn't willing.

No offence but with such an attitude you're going to find yourself single and lonely.

Sex is an important part of a relationship, particularly for a man. If you can't bring yourself to have sex with him, he deserves a woman who will. Otherwise, OP will end up being cheated on and there'll be a whole lot of hurt.

Terodil

Unregistered wrote: »

Why does she owe it to him?

[...] If you're not attracted to someone you shouldn't feel forced to have sex with them.

Unregistered, you misunderstood, I think. It is not referring to having sex:

Shellyboo wrote:

You owe it to him to make the effort and try to revive your sex life.

Shellyboo isn't saying she should resign herself and just have sex for his sake; she's saying that she should try to take an active role in 'repairing' their relationship. Simply giving up, after such a long time, without really talking about it and trying to blow some life back into it (no pun intended), would be neither constructive nor fair.

That said, you talked about it with him already, good for you. But maybe you really need to do two things:
1. check out your body -- is everything ok? Diet, hormones, etc etc can all negatively influence your libido.
2. if yes, go more into depth as to why you don't fancy him as much any more. You need to have at least *some* understanding of why that is when you confront him with it, otherwise he'll just pull his hair out.

P.S. Shellboo, correct me if I'm wrong

nesbitt

I'm wondering does the OP find that her husband only shows affection to her if it leads on to sex IYKWIM. Does he give you a supportive cuddle or kiss without expecting it to lead to sex? Perhaps this could be some part of the issues? Just a thought...

suspectpackage

I'm reminded of the famous quote,

"After a while, marriage becomes a sibling relationship, interrupted by the occasional and usually regrettable, bouts of incest"

I think its quite normal to feel less sexually attracted to your husband over time and happens in pretty much every relationship. Unfortunately this seems to be very commonplace.

The solution is unclear to me, but make sure you take everything into account before making any big decisions (i.e kids, house, money etc).

Wibbs

Nail on the head nesbitt IMHO. I was thinking the same and a common enough one. If she's not feeling sexual for any number of reasons and the guy only instigates kisses and cuddles as a prelude to sex, then kisses and cuddles themselves become loaded with the same feeling. This makes it worse for her and him as the frustration and pressure to perform builds on both sides.

If the husband detached the cuddles and affectionate touching from the purely sexual act, he may make some headway as she would realise he wanted her and desired her as a person and not just for the sex part. Womens arousal is a complex process and starts way beyond the bedroom.

LegacyUser

OP when you don't feel like it, do you always say no/avoid sex? Or have you ever gone ahead anyway? I ask this because sometimes even if I am not majorly in the mood, once we get going I find I am happy enough about it. It's something nice I can do for my boyfriend without too major an effort. That kind of sounds bad but I don't mean that I am "lying back and thinking of Ireland" or making him feel bad about wanting it, just that sometimes it's possible to compromise and go ahead for the reason that I know his sex drive is stronger than mine (at that moment) and it will mean more to him to have it than it will mean to me not to have it.

Saying that, I am definitely not recommending being a martyr or anything, there are other times when I know my mood won't change or I don't want it to and then I will decline, my boyfriend understands this and I try not to make him feel rejected. Sometimes he declines me too, but I can see how it would lead to tension if it was always one person asking and getting knocked back.

I also agree with previous posters that, especially if you consider compromising as above, there also needs to be movement on your husband's side in terms of restoring affection and physicality in the relationship while acknowledging that this will not always lead to sex. I think you can work this out with some honesty and willingness to compromise on both sides.

Oh The Humanity

Unregistered wrote: »

Why does she owe it to him?

It's not the dark ages any more - a woman doesn't have to fulfil 'wifely duties' just because her husband wants it. If you're not attracted to someone you shouldn't feel forced to have sex with them.

If you're not attracted to someone you shouldn't be in a marriage with them. I dont think Shelly meant it the way you are putting it. Its not all about her either, its about them, the couple.

As you said yourself:

Unregistered wrote: »

you both have a right to feel fulfilled, but not if one partner isn't willing.

If one partner isn't willing then the marriage is over. In this case though I dont think its that extreme. It looks more a case that maybe OP feels she is not being approached right and the husband has a higher drive than her.

She is not as attracted as she used to be but there is still some attraction there, which is good. I would think with maybe a small bit of counselling things could well be sorted out.

I dont think its a case of one persons 'rights' superceding anothers. They both have equal rights in the marriage while they choose to be in it.

A marriage contract is just that a contract. All too often the argument used above 'a woman doesn't have to sleep with her husband if she doesn't want to any more, its not the dark ages yada yada' is used to excuse one party unilaterally denying the other sex and refusing to discuss it. People write in several times a week with that one!

I dont think OP is doing that however, she shows concern and empathy for her husbands predicament, and although he is obviously worried he doesn't sound as though he is bullying OP.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

It's not the dark ages any more - a woman doesn't have to fulfil 'wifely duties' just because her husband wants it. If you're not attracted to someone you shouldn't feel forced to have sex with them.

If you're not attracted to someone you shouldn't be married to them. When you marry someone, you agree to certain things. Sex is part of that agreement.

Unregistered wrote: »

Shellyboo - would you have sex with someone you didn't fancy just because he wanted it? Well, would you? Not only is that attitude dangerous but it puts women right back into the position of being their husbands property.

No, but then again I wouldn't be married to someone I don't fancy. If she is unhappy in teh marriage to the point where she can't stand her husband to touch her, the solution is "get a divorce". Not withold sex forever. That's unfair on her husband, who as just as much right to want sex as the OP does to not want it.

Unregistered wrote: »

OP - you need to decide whether or not you think you and your husband can work through this - do you see yourselves getting the spark back? Do you reckon you could fancy him again? If not, you need to figure something out, for his sake and yours - you both have a right to feel fulfilled, but not if one partner isn't willing.

If one partner isn't willing, that partner needs to back out and let the other partner be happy. It is not ok to take sex off the table forever in a marriage, it's just not.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

To be honest I kind of expected these replies, thank you for taking the time to reply I do appreciate it.

Let's see, do I fancy him? Not as much as I used to. Am I attracted to other men? No. Have I told him how I feel? Yes. Have I listened to how he feels? Yes.

I am dreading our chat this evening. I am too emotional.

Don't talk when you're emotional! It's a bad idea.


Anyway - the bad news is, this is not going to magically fix itself, it's gonna take a lot of effort. Are there any conditions under which you would like to have sex with your husband? Any sort of intimacy that you miss from him? Basically, if this is going to happen again it HAS to be on your terms, doing things you like to do and focusing on your pleasure so you can begin to enjoy sex again. That's what he needs to understand first and foremost.

I'd also second the suggestion that you go see your GP and get checked out for hormonal imbalance and the like. Could be something simple, you never know.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Nevyn

How old are your kids, esp the youngest?

eleven

This has happened to me. I think for a woman, at least for me as a woman, part of being attracted to my partner has to do with being attracted to what he finds attractive... convoluted? Yes definitely. (I mean I'm attracted to someone who would be turned on by me as a whole and not attracted to someone who just wants a quicky etc.)

So i'm stressed out, or I didn't have a good time the last time we had sex or its been too fast or similar, I'm gonna be less inclined to have sex. I might just wanna just cuddle. Because really what I want is to feel loved, not just soullessly shagged. But... if I feel like being cuddled is very quickly gonna lead to not great sex, pretty soon I'm not even going to want to do that.

Suddenly you're in a situation whereby the man is frustrated because the girl won't have sex with him and feels rejected, and the girl thinks the man always just wants sex and doesn't send out 'love' vibes.

Its a really awkward situation. Its exacerbated by the fact that the less you have sex the harder it is to remember how amazing it really can be.

I think the solution is to take a total time out. Say to your boy, lets just draw a line under everything that's gone on recently. The sex problem, that thing you did last monday that's been irking me, the problem with the middle child EVERYTHING. If any of that sh*t comes into your head, push it away. And go to bed together. Everytime you feel like you couldn't be bothered taking a touch or kiss or whatever anyfurther just keep going with it. Take your time, don't be afraid to tell him when he touches you someplace good that 'hey! yeah, I LOve that'... Enjoy it for what it is... Leave the kids somewhere else and just stay up as long as you can and explore each other.... as soon as you both starting coming a bit you'll probably find all sorts of loving glowing sexy I fancy you feelings...

Langer Dan

Sex is a huge part of any relationship. If it isn't happening then you clearly have serious problems. You can dress it up as much as you want but it's obviously a huge issue.