Hate casual sex

LegacyUser

I'll start by saying I'm not a prude and have no issues due to upbringing (religion, strict parents etc). But the thing is, I'm a 24 year old woman who totally disapproves of the casual sex culture which seems to be the norm in this country. I grew up thinking sex was something special to be shared between two people who loved each other and have never changed that opinion. I've slept with three guys who I've been in relationships with, waited until I was serious about them before doing the deed, etc. I am not normally a judgemental person but I am appalled by how lightly so many people seem to take sex - meeting someone at a club and bringing them home or having a f buddy relationship. That's their business I know, but the thing is it seems impossible to meet guys who haven't had tons of casual sex. I've been seeing a guy for a few months, I like him, but he's slept with 8 girls (mostly casual) and done oral/handjobs with about 15-16, some of whom he's friends with. I just hate the thought that he takes it so lightly. I don't understand it. I don't want to lose the guy because of my attitude but it really does repulse me! It just feels like there are NO guys who only sleep with women they really like and see a future with......

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

I'll start by saying I'm not a prude and have no issues due to upbringing (religion, strict parents etc). But the thing is, I'm a 24 year old woman who totally disapproves of the casual sex culture which seems to be the norm in this country. I grew up thinking sex was something special to be shared between two people who loved each other and have never changed that opinion. I've slept with three guys who I've been in relationships with, waited until I was serious about them before doing the deed, etc. I am not normally a judgemental person but I am appalled by how lightly so many people seem to take sex - meeting someone at a club and bringing them home or having a f buddy relationship. That's their business I know, but the thing is it seems impossible to meet guys who haven't had tons of casual sex. I've been seeing a guy for a few months, I like him, but he's slept with 8 girls (mostly casual) and done oral/handjobs with about 15-16, some of whom he's friends with. I just hate the thought that he takes it so lightly. I don't understand it. I don't want to lose the guy because of my attitude but it really does repulse me! It just feels like there are NO guys who only sleep with women they really like and see a future with......

I'm sure there probably are but why hold out for someone like that and risk missing out on someone special? For example the current guy, what difference does this guys past make to your relationship? Does it lesson any of the reasons why you are seeing him? Does it make him less caring, less of a good person?... No

It's just sex, it's fun, people do it because the enjoy. When the right person comes along it's even better and it's still special wether it's your 1st or 101st time. Don't be so judgemental, and tbh that attitude is a bit prudish, lighten up. You only live once.

valery

I hate to break it to you but 99 per cent of guys see the world through the same organ they pee with and that includes us gals, not their fault just the way nature made them.

Wagon

I'm not a fan of the casual either. Load of **** and a waste of time and im a lad :pac:

but hey, that's just me! Plenty of people enjoy it and there isn't anything wrong with it. The thing is that many people out there will have had a fair few partners by their early to mid 20s so it's something you'll have to get used to. Nothing wrong with it once they were safe.

Then again there's the other flip of the coin. There's nothing wrong with not liking it either. so you aren't weird because of it and dont let anyone tell you that you are. and don't feel pressured into doing something you dont want. In fairness, there's a lot of arseholes out there just looking for their hole and don't care how they get it. This includes men and women.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

I just hate the thought that he takes it so lightly. I don't understand it. I don't want to lose the guy because of my attitude but it really does repulse me! It just feels like there are NO guys who only sleep with women they really like and see a future with......

Look, let me break it down for you here.
What he's done is already done. What you need to be looking at is how he views things with you. What you should be questioning - is he taking this lightly with ME? You're not going to answer this question by obsessing over his past - you'll only answer it by having a chat with him or telling from his actions.
Obsessing over his past is your issue and your issue only - if you start getting judgemental at him he'll rightly walk. I'm not sure how you have such exact figures on his past - have you interrogated him on it?? I think you should try not thinking about it.

There are guys who only wait for someone special, it doesn't mean whatsoever there's anything wrong with someone who doesn't.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

I'm not a fan of the casual either. Load of **** and a waste of time and im a lad :pac:

but hey, that's just me! Plenty of people enjoy it and there isn't anything wrong with it. The thing is that many people out there will have had a fair few partners by their early to mid 20s so it's something you'll have to get used to. Nothing wrong with it once they were safe.

But I think there IS something wrong with it. That's the problem.

LegacyUser

valery wrote: »

I hate to break it to you but 99 per cent of guys see the world through the same organ they pee with and that includes us gals, not their fault just the way nature made them.

Generalizing a bit eh? I'm a guy and I completely disagree with the above "fact"

beks101

I understand where you're coming from OP.

I've been brought up on the same school of thought, though that's not to say I haven't had sex purely for the act of having sex. But I'm the same age and experience has thought me that it's just something I don't want to take lightly, and that's perfectly fine. There's plenty of us out there.

Hard fact is that there are plenty of the opposite too, including your current man, and you have to accept the reality of the culture we live in. This is the norm, and while it makes you feel uncomfortable, it by no means reduces the potential for the sex to be meaningful and special with him.

Explain your viewpoint to him, and if you want to get to know him, mentally and emotionally connect before the sex, explain that too. If he's not willing to hang around for that, well then maybe your beliefs are incompatible and you'll have to move on. Stay true to yourself.

If his past troubles you, don't ask. It really is as simple as that. His sexual history is pretty standard and if you dwell on it, you'll drive yourself crazy and lose a potentially great relationship.

Mozart1986

valery wrote: »

I hate to break it to you but 99 per cent of guys see the world through the same organ they pee with and that includes us gals, not their fault just the way nature made them.

What a nasty comment. If the equivalent was made about a girl the feminist uproar would be deafining. I'm not like that and very few of my friends are. Its f**kin' insulting. I doubt you've ever had a proper relationship with a guy, even if you've had sex or went out with guys.

Kinetic^

valery wrote: »

I hate to break it to you but 99 per cent of guys see the world through the same organ they pee with and that includes us gals, not their fault just the way nature made them.

Generalise much?!

Silverfish

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valery, please do not generalise.

Firetrap

OP you're going to have to either like it or lump it. Your boyfriends got a different attitude to sex to yours. You might not understand it but hey, that's life. I can't understand how some people like dance music or flip-flops :rolleyes: You need to put things into perspective. Your boyfriend is with you now and all going well, he won't be seeking sexual thrills elsewhere. That is more important in my book than what he did before he met you. Just like what you did with with previous boyfriends is in the past.

LegacyUser

Point out what your issue is OP. There's nothing wrong with not liking to sleep around, obviously. Nothing wrong with not liking to feel(or be) used, so don't put yourself in that position, ie dont have sex with someone unless you really want to.
Failing to see the point of the thread.

LegacyUser

Don't know why there's an assumption that it's only men or disproportionately men who are promiscuous.

There's a school of thought that says women are more sexual than men, and this is perfectly legitimate. What exactly is the reason for "assuming" more chasteness among women?

The only difference between men and women in terms of promiscuity, it seems to me, is that women are more concerned about "reputational consequences".

As to the OP's question: there's precious little you can do about it, other than get used to it.

But feel free to have your opinions.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

In fairness, there's a lot of arseholes out there just looking for their hole and don't care how they get it. This includes men and women.

A lot of arseholes out there are also not looking for their 'hole' as you so eloquently put it.

cafecolour

I'm not a big fan myself, honest, but I don't mind if others do.

From what you are saying, it sounds like you do consider it 'immoral' (for lack of a better word), or at least a sign of a weak character. Thus you are having trouble staying with a guy who has had casual sex.

I'd say this comes up a lot in varying degrees in this forum (see all these he's slept with XXX women threads, or could you date a guy whose gone to a prostitute sort of threads).

There's three basic answers:

One - search for a guy who has similar values. They are rarer but they exist, I'd say either search for very religious, or more geeky. This might be very frustrating though, as similarity on that value doesn't mean you'll get along in other ways.

Two - (and my preferred answer, I'd say) - learn to compromise some values. It's very rare you'll fine someone with a perfect value match - they might have different sexual mores, different religion, more materialistic, environmentally inconsiderate, etc. Casual sex can be an easy one in some regards, as they're not going to have it any more when you're dating them.

Three - A popular answer here - Don't ask, don't tell. Asking someone's "number" (of people they slept with) is always going to lead to trouble, so remain blissfully ignorant.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

But I think there IS something wrong with it. That's the problem.

you've answered your own question here. your problem stems from your own nonsensical notion that if somebody has casual sex there in some way flawed, dirty or not good enough for you.

here's a quote from your op:

"I grew up thinking sex was something special to be shared between two people who loved each other and have never changed that opinion."

so, you formed an opinion about an immensely complicated adult subject when you were a child and thought it wise to never consider changing your mind. does that seem like an intelligent choice to you?

also it's not at all impossible to meet guys who haven't had tons of casual sex. lot's of them just haven't had the opportunity regardless of whether they wanted to or not. many others are just not into that sort of thing, evidence in this thread.

at a random guess i would say that your not happy with your looks / sexual performance. you manifest those inward feelings of inadequacy with outward irrational anger. you should probably see a therapist. they'll make you break down your feelings into rational thoughts so as your not just wandering around at the mercy of a bunch of feelings you don't

understand or even know your having.

LegacyUser

Yes, I do consider it immoral. And as I said, I'm not religious so it has nothing to do with religion. I don't think you have to wait until marriage at all. I just think that you should have sex with someone you care about instead of any old randomer from a club, or whatever friend happens to be round your house that night.

so, you formed an opinion about an immensely complicated adult subject when you were a child and thought it wise to never consider changing your mind. does that seem like an intelligent choice to you?

You see - that's what happens when you twist peoples words. When did I say I never considered changing my mind? I have thought about this issue over and over. I have tried to become more liberal about it, but I just can't. As I got older and had relationships, I just became more and more sure that casual sex was wrong.

at a random guess i would say that your not happy with your looks / sexual performance. you manifest those inward feelings of inadequacy with outward irrational anger. you should probably see a therapist. they'll make you break down your feelings into rational thoughts so as your not just wandering around at the mercy of a bunch of feelings you don't

understand or even know your having.

Wrong, wrong and wrong. What a typical attitude of modern Ireland - not approving of sex with randomers means you have low self esteem and need to see a therapist. You do realise that in a lot of countries, they would recommend therapy to someone who DID have sex with randomers? Who says you're right and I'm wrong? We have different opinions and for some reason, yours is the 'acceptable' one in this country. FYI, I'm considered very goodlooking and have been told I'm amazing in bed. Why are you assuming that someone who disapproves of casual sex is an ugly/nerdy/religious prude?

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Wrong, wrong and wrong. What a typical attitude of modern Ireland - not approving of sex with randomers means you have low self esteem and need to see a therapist. You do realise that in a lot of countries, they would recommend therapy to someone who DID have sex with randomers? Who says you're right and I'm wrong? We have different opinions and for some reason, yours is the 'acceptable' one in this country. FYI, I'm considered very goodlooking and have been told I'm amazing in bed. Why are you assuming that someone who disapproves of casual sex is an ugly/nerdy/religious prude?

I agree 100% with this. One of the problems I see with the whole sexual freedom notion is that the onus is on the freedom to have sex part far more than the freedom to have sex when and with whom you want to have sex with. Freedom should mean the freedom to choose either option, or both at different stages in life.

The idea that someone who doesn't want casual sex or sees sex as something special needs to see a therapist is frankly farcical TBH. Again it assumes that all people want to have casual sex and that's the healthy default setting. It is just as bad as the notion in the past here and in other cultures today, that having casual sex requires someone to look at their emotional landscape because they're "wrong" in some way. I would say that therapy should only be considered where there is an unhealthy attitude to sexuality. Preference does not equate with unhealthy. Indeed I have found that there would just as many people in need of therapy at the extreme end of casual sex as would be at the other end of sex aversion. In the middle it's down to preference(I would be a more casual sex type than many too).

As far as I'm concerned, there is no default setting for people in general. The only default setting is ones own and it is generally better to look for someone with a similar default setting to your own.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Who says you're right and I'm wrong?

Who says they're wrong and you're right?

The crux of your issue is that while you expect others to be tolerant and accepting of your viewpoint, you won't be tolerant and accepting of theirs. You have two options - only have sex with people who fit your overly exacting standards, or learn to accept that your standards are overly exacting and just stick to your own principles, without trying to make others conform to them.

Unfortunately for you, your outlook is not shared by most guys. The standards that you are setting are outside the norm, so that's something you have to deal with. If you think that casual sex is immoral and you're not interested in a guy who's had it, that's your prerogative... but you also have to accept that your pool of potential partners is much smaller than normal. It's as if I went out and said "I'm only going to date men who are 6'5 and over". I'd be perpetually single.


You need to want to get past this, and I don't think you do. I think you want to be told that you're right and isn't it awful etc etc. I'm not saying you need to change your belief - you can hold your own principles. But you can't project those principles on others.

Wibbs

I agree and disagree with you shellyboo. I agree that she has a polarised take on this, but I would disagree that most men wouldn't share her outlook. I would say quite a few do. I would even go far as to say more men would prefer a woman who hadn't gone off with randomers on one nighters. How many threads hereabouts have guys worrying about their partners number before them? Quite a few. Many more men than women are concerned about it. It's not the usual of "it's just their ego" in a lot of cases IMHO. TBH I would have a limit too. It might be a high one but it would be there. EG I would simply think less of a woman that had 100 one nighters.

Her dating pool isn't that much smaller. To take your analogy, I would say she's looking for guys 6ft and over and there are enough of them.

LegacyUser

For some reason I'd prefer hearing that the OH had a few one night stands than telling me they've been in love a few times.

Male here btw.

shellyboo

Wibbs wrote: »

I agree and disagree with you shellyboo. I agree that she has a polarised take on this, but I would disagree that most men wouldn't share her outlook. I would say quite a few do. I would even go far as to say more men would prefer a woman who hadn't gone off with randomers on one nighters. How many threads hereabouts have guys worrying about their partners number before them? Quite a few. Many more men than women are concerned about it. It's not the usual of "it's just their ego" in a lot of cases IMHO. TBH I would have a limit too. It might be a high one but it would be there. EG I would simply think less of a woman that had 100 one nighters.

Her dating pool isn't that much smaller. To take your analogy, I would say she's looking for guys 6ft and over and there are enough of them.

I'd say the exact same thing... I'd argue, however, that a lot of those guys don't have a problem with having one-nighters themselves. They'd never date a girl who'd put out on a random night out... but they've no problem sleeping with one. I know legions of guys who are like this. Hypocrisy of the highest order, tbh.

Not saying every guy is like that. But to be honest, I think she's going to be hard pressed to find someone who hasn't ever indulged in casual sex. I mean, I've indulged in it... I regret most of it. But I still did it, even though I wish I hadn't now. If I were a bloke, I'd be disqualified from the OP's dating pool even though I've thought better of it now. People make mistakes, like.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with her attitude, I think it's admirable, if not something I'd ascribe to myself. But the practice of eliminating partners based on their past actions instead of their present opinion seems really stupid to me - whatever those actions may be.

Example: I have a serious problem with smoking and I'd never date a smoker. But I wouldn't rule out someone who used to be a smoker. Same goes for drugs. I don't like them, wouldn't date anyone who used them. But I have dated guys who used to do drugs - just because we have polar opposite opinions on something that happened in the past and isn't going to reoccur, why would that stop me dating someone?

Oh The Humanity

Its a personal choice imo and this talk of 'wrong' and 'right' is meaningless in this context.

Wrong and Right are such absolute terms and there is no 'one size fits all' solution when it comes to personal sexual etiquette.

Someone's personal choice on who they sleep with is just that, their own personal choice.

We can all be shocked/bored/irritated/interested/aroused/baffled/impressed by others sexual choices in the world, that is never going to end.

You are shocked and disgusted at the current sexual climate of casuality. But these things are cyclical in any society and different from place to place.

If you find it offensive maybe edit it out of your life on a personal level. You can rant but at the end of the day you cant change everyone else only yourself really. Im not saying change your attitudes about your pesonal moral code but maybe learn to look the other way and if it really is a deal breaker with this guy then work harder at meeting people who think like yourself.

You can either curse the darkness or light a candle as they say.

Wagon

shellyboo wrote: »

Example: I have a serious problem with smoking and I'd never date a smoker. But I wouldn't rule out someone who used to be a smoker. Same goes for drugs. I don't like them, wouldn't date anyone who used them. But I have dated guys who used to do drugs - just because we have polar opposite opinions on something that happened in the past and isn't going to reoccur, why would that stop me dating someone?

That's because smoking and drugs are just things someone takes because they want to. Consumable goods. Casual sex is different in the sense that it was someone else you shared it with, even if it was just for one night. It can be off putting to find out that your partner had loads of people before you.

shellyboo

Wagon wrote: »

That's because smoking and drugs are just things someone takes because they want to. Consumable goods. Casual sex is different in the sense that it was someone else you shared it with, even if it was just for one night. It can be off putting to find out that your partner had loads of people before you.

Not to me, they're not... they're life-damaging choices that you make and I disagree with them - in the same way someone would disagree with someone taking risks sexually by not wearing a condom, say.

The point is that I don't let my opinions stop me from dating people who don't agree with that. Doesn't matter what my opinions are, or what the OP's opinions are - they're just opinions. If you choose to live your life by them, you can't then complain about the consequences - in this case, not being able to find a guy.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes, I do consider it immoral. And as I said, I'm not religious so it has nothing to do with religion. I don't think you have to wait until marriage at all. I just think that you should have sex with someone you care about instead of any old randomer from a club, or whatever friend happens to be round your house that night.

Hi there ..
I do not enjoy the kind of casual sex you speak about. I find it unsatisfying and far more trouble than it's worth. However I have to admit that it's not a moral thing with me. I just don't like it.
I think that this is definitely NOT a prudish or unusual view. I am a mature guy with solid experience of this situation. There are many many guys who agree with you.

However ... and it's a big however ... you need to get to grips with the nature of Men and Women. There are many more enlightened guys out there who have a more sophisticated view of sex, but the nature of men is that they find it difficult to say no when they are with an attractive woman. This ins just how men are wired and there is no point fighting it. Women on the other hand are brought up with the attitude that their sexuality is a precious gift they only give to special men - which is not in any way a bad thing imho.

So life is therefore a continuing balancing act between these two forces. if you feel that men are inherently immoral about it then you will face a life of continuing confusion and unhappiness on this subject. If you accept how men and woman are, and negotiate your way through it then you will find it a lot easier.

In my view your current guy is not someone you will ever be comfortable with and you should move on. When you meet the next guy you need to assess the situation early and bail out when it is looking bad. You need to date a few times and then be honest about how you feel, that you like to wait until you have a relationship before having full sex. At that time, if he agrees to wait, you need to use you own judgment to assess if he is honest and in agreement with you - or just biding his time. There are no easy answers to that assessment.

All the best.

Story:
A scorpion was standing along a river. The scorpion noticed the water was moving rather fast and the river was deep, but he wanted to get to the other side. It wasn’t long before a tortoise came along and nervously keeping an eye on the scorpion began to swim across the river to the other side. Just then the Scorpion said.

“Excuse me Mr. Tortoise are going to swim to the other side? If you are might you allow me to jump up on you back and ride with you?
The tortoise, cautiously asked.
“You are a scorpion aren’t you”?
The Scorpion
“Yes”
Tortoise:
I am not so sure that would be a good idea, you are a scorpion and you have a poisonous stinger and you could kill me with that stinger”
Scorpion:
“Oh you can trust me, I would not do that, I just want to get to the other side of the river.”
Tortoise:
“Well okay if you promise?”
Scorpion:
Trust me, I promise.
So the scorpion hopes up on the tortoise’s back and they both head out across the river. Half way across the scorpion reaches around to the back of the tortoise’s neck and stings him with his poisonous stinger.
The tortuous is shocked and with his last breath says:
“Why did you do that, now we will both die, I will never make it to the other side of the river? Why did you do it?
Scorpion matter of factly:
I am a scorpion, it is what I do”

Wibbs

shellyboo wrote: »

I'd say the exact same thing... I'd argue, however, that a lot of those guys don't have a problem with having one-nighters themselves. They'd never date a girl who'd put out on a random night out... but they've no problem sleeping with one. I know legions of guys who are like this. Hypocrisy of the highest order, tbh.

Oh it is I agree. My personal take is that it's as much a function of biology as culture. Then again I'm of the personal opinion that the latter follows the former more than many give it credit.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with her attitude, I think it's admirable, if not something I'd ascribe to myself. But the practice of eliminating partners based on their past actions instead of their present opinion seems really stupid to me - whatever those actions may be.

I agree, but only up to a point. It depends on a lot of factors too. I would work the theory that past actions inform future actions a helluva lot of the time. Unless someone has actively sought to understand those actions, realise they're not for them and actively changed their perceptions on their own and without the fog of too many strong emotions, I figure they may well repeat the mistakes or the underlying reason for those mistakes can come out in different behaviours. So to take your analogy of the smokes or drugs. If someone was an addict in the past, I would argue that is still there as a personality type. It may not come out in drink, ciggies and drugs but it usually comes out somewhere IME.

So a person that is extremely into casual sex say, would have a different personality type to someone at the opposite end of the scale. They may have esteem issues(the usual one trotted out) or they may simply be highly sexed thrill seekers. That may come out down the line. Now of course people have a great capacity for change, but I do feel less change than is thought. They may simply slow down with the years or get better covering it up.

As for past actions informing future actions? In another example beyond the sexual but in the relationship area, I would take note of how someone treated and broke up with guys before me. If there's a consistent pattern, I can be pretty sure I'll follow that pattern down the line if it comes to it. I have found that a pretty consistent thing with both men and women and rare enough have I seen it proven otherwise. I wouldn't use it as a strict template, but I would be aware of it. Especially when the initial emotional excitement has worn off for us both. In much the same way as I would advise a man or a woman to look at how their partner treats members of the opposite sex they're not romantically interested in. As for the most part that's how they will treat you after the fire dies down a bit. Their default position as it were.

Wibbs

VaioCruiser wrote: »

There are many more enlightened guys out there who have a more sophisticated view of sex, but the nature of men is that they find it difficult to say no when they are with an attractive woman. This ins just how men are wired and there is no point fighting it. Women on the other hand are brought up with the attitude that their sexuality is a precious gift they only give to special men - which is not in any way a bad thing imho.

I would tend to agree for the most part and the latter gets women into just as much trouble, if not more than the men's take on it.

shellyboo

Wibbs wrote: »

As for past actions informing future actions? In another example beyond the sexual but in the relationship area, I would take note of how someone treated and broke up with guys before me. If there's a consistent pattern, I can be pretty sure I'll follow that pattern down the line if it comes to it. I have found that a pretty consistent thing with both men and women and rare enough have I seen it proven otherwise.

That's different though Wibbs, that's something that will affect you personally at some stage down the line. The fact that a partner has had casual sex in the past does not affect you in the relationship, leaving aside the issue of STIs.

anonymous_joe

shellyboo wrote: »

That's different though Wibbs, that's something that will affect you personally at some stage down the line. The fact that a partner has had casual sex in the past does not affect you in the relationship, leaving aside the issue of STIs.

It does if a person associates casual sex with a lack of loyalty. (Not saying that's the case, but a lot of people feel that way).

Also, it does depend on what you define as 'casual sex' - I mean, even in the most loving relationships, you can't expect to tenderly make love each night. Sometimes you want it nasty, dirty and exciting. And yet, that doesn't equate casual sex, but it can be perceived by a lot of people as such.

Also, keep in mind that I would know people who would love their partner, fcuk someone else who means nothing to them, and in no way feel that it impacts on their feelings towards their partner. It's just sex to them. Nothing more than a glorified mutual wánk.

And finally, what most people probably don't quite realise is that sex is like food - if I'm hungry I want to eat. Put a few cans into me, and I might settle for a McDonalds on teh way home. However, what I really want is a loving well prepared meal. So to speak. Casual sex might just be something you're having because more meaningful sex isn't availible.

Wibbs

shellyboo wrote: »

That's different though Wibbs, that's something that will affect you personally at some stage down the line. The fact that a partner has had casual sex in the past does not affect you in the relationship, leaving aside the issue of STIs.

As anonymous_joe said it depends on the reasons for it and the personality type behind it. It can be a very good indication of underlying attitudes and needs. If those are not in concert with your partner then look out.

tbh

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm a 24 year old woman who totally disapproves of the casual sex culture

don't have casual sex then. I wısh all PI's were thıs easy!

BumbleB

shellyboo wrote: »

Who says they're wrong and you're right?

It's as if I went out and said "I'm only going to date men who are 6'5 and over". I'd be perpetually single.

I'm one of those freaks of nature , ha ha !.Yet again a nice down to earth post shelly, Kudos.

shellyboo

BumbleB wrote: »

I'm one of those freaks of nature , ha ha !.Yet again a nice down to earth post shelly, Kudos.

Lol, good for you Wouldn't call you a freak though... just a rare find

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Up de Barrs

donegalfella wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

A lot of long term relationships start as casual sex. Just see what happens, if you're having fun thats all that matters. If its meant to evolve in to something more it will, if its not then just enjoy it for what it is.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I do wish I could change and suddenly accept casual sex but so far I haven't been able to. And it's not even as simple as saying to me 'If you don't like it, don't do it' because I don't like my partners having done it and in this day and age it seems impossible to find a person who hasn't. I feel like I was born in the wrong century or something. And as I said, I'm not a prude, religious zealot or 'no sex before marriage' person. I have had sex with different partners and enjoy it. I just don't think it's right to do it with someone you don't really like/love. For example last year my bf was with an ex work colleague he didn't like, let alone fancy, just because he got too drunk and she came onto him. I find that pretty repulsive - getting head off someone you don't like because you think you 'might as well'? That's what I hate.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I do wish I could change and suddenly accept casual sex but so far I haven't been able to. And it's not even as simple as saying to me 'If you don't like it, don't do it' because I don't like my partners having done it and in this day and age it seems impossible to find a person who hasn't. I feel like I was born in the wrong century or something. And as I said, I'm not a prude, religious zealot or 'no sex before marriage' person. I have had sex with different partners and enjoy it. I just don't think it's right to do it with someone you don't really like/love. For example last year my bf was with an ex work colleague he didn't like, let alone fancy, just because he got too drunk and she came onto him. I find that pretty repulsive - getting head off someone you don't like because you think you 'might as well'? That's what I hate.

He got pissed and got head of some work collegue for the craic? That's more being a cúnt than being a slut.

I think you're confusing two things here. If someone likes having the casual, it's fine but once they don't hurt someone. But some people lie and use others just to get their hole (eg. leading someone on). And many people will come back with the excuse "sure it was just sex".

but i don't think societies lax views to sex is to blame completely. it's what a person is willing to do to get it such as for example, sleeping with married partners, men getting women so drunk they don't know what they're doing, and people generally leading people on. For me the number of partners doesn't matter as such, it's more what the circumstances were and how far they were willing to go just to get a shag. A random example would be sleeping with their best mate's boyfriend, frequently shagging strangers in toilets etc... It's a lot more telling on how a person will treat you in future and if they can take things seriously.

but from your posts, this new bloke does seem like he's interested. He's been with you for a few months now and its quite obvious he wants to take it further.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

He got pissed and got head of some work collegue for the craic? That's more being a cúnt than being a slut.

I think you're confusing two things here. If someone likes having the casual, it's fine but once they don't hurt someone. But some people lie and use others just to get their hole (eg. leading someone on). And many people will come back with the excuse "sure it was just sex".

but i don't think societies lax views to sex is to blame completely. it's what a person is willing to do to get it such as for example, sleeping with married partners, men getting women so drunk they don't know what they're doing, and people generally leading people on. For me the number of partners doesn't matter as such, it's more what the circumstances were and how far they were willing to go just to get a shag. A random example would be sleeping with their best mate's boyfriend, frequently shagging strangers in toilets etc... It's a lot more telling on how a person will treat you in future and if they can take things seriously.

but from your posts, this new bloke does seem like he's interested. He's been with you for a few months now and its quite obvious he wants to take it further.

She fancied him, he didn't really like her, she kept on and on at him until he ended up giving in. He told her he had no interest in a relationship and she said that was fine with her. Sure isn't that typical of today's casual sex culture? I've heard the same story many a time.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

She fancied him, he didn't really like her, she kept on and on at him until he ended up giving in.

Her desperation is depressing.

He told her he had no interest in a relationship and she said that was fine with her. Sure isn't that typical of today's casual sex culture? I've heard the same story many a time.

I won't lie, so have i. What he did was an act of complete idiocy so i can see where your bitterness comes from. Some people are just idiots when it comes to things like sex, and drink isn't to blame. She was a skank, your ex was a tool. A match made in heaven.

but don't lose hope. There's still a lot of good men out there who dont look at sex as something they can take when they get. And there's many who would have had casual sex in the past but they might not want it anymore.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

For example last year my bf was with an ex work colleague he didn't like, let alone fancy, just because he got too drunk and she came onto him. I find that pretty repulsive - getting head off someone you don't like because you think you 'might as well'? That's what I hate.

Unregistered wrote: »

She fancied him, he didn't really like her, she kept on and on at him until he ended up giving in. He told her he had no interest in a relationship and she said that was fine with her. Sure isn't that typical of today's casual sex culture?

I don't mean to be cold but it's hard to believe that there isnt some connection between your ex and your stance on casual sex.

Did you always feel so strongly about this? Or has your revulsion at casual sex increased since the inexcusable behaviour of your ex? If so its perfectly understandable.

But it would also be highly unfair to project the behaviour of your ex onto your new partner. It would also be a pity if what your ex did in the past continued to affect your future happiness. Give your new partner a chance and see if you can find some common ground. If you still can't accept his past or his views then at least you've given the relationship a fair shot.

LegacyUser

This was my current boyfriend who did this! My ex wasn't really into casual sex much at all (but was still a tool it turns out). The curent bf knows it was a mistake and really stupid but he did it, and everyone else seems to think its 'one of those things'.

LegacyUser

So I just wanted to clarify; my bf was with this girl last year when he and she were single. Shes very pretty and hot but a total headwreck and my bf made it clear he wasnt interested in a relationship with her due to said headwrecking. One night at a party she was flirting with him all night and he eventually gave in. He was actually proud of himself for refusing to have sex with her when she was practically begging. I was still rather disgusted (we were friends at the time) but all his mates said the majority of men would have done the same. I believe them but I still think its gross. I dont think the bf did anything wrong per se ( as in hurting anyone) but that hes been brainwashed by society into thinkign this behaviour is normal and acceptable. I mean he regrets this particular girl as shes such a headwreck but for the being with someone hes not really interested in, he finds it normal.

When he showed an interest in me I was initially hesitant due to this and other incidents but some mutual friends pointed out hes a sweet guy, treats me like a princess and we get on super well and that I would be stupid to rule him out because hes had casual encounters. This makes sense to me logically (my ex wasnt slutty at all and ended up treated me terribly) but it still bothers me id respect him more I think if hed been more choosy etc.

valery

trying to understand the ways of men ....i mean really trying to get into their way of thinking is impossible....:eek:.....we are wired up just tooooooo differently,
i gave up the ghost many many moons ago . if you find someone who turns out to be special then i would suggest that you accept him for who he is
NOW and have fun . try to put complications into the bottom drawer for
the present AND GO AND HAVE SOME FUN FUN FUN .........OH AND A
LITTLE INTIMACY CAN BLOW ALL THOSE COBWEBS OF DOUBT OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
.

BumbleB

Unregistered wrote: »

So I just wanted to clarify; my bf was with this girl last year when he and she were single. Shes very pretty and hot but a total headwreck and my bf made it clear he wasnt interested in a relationship with her due to said headwrecking. One night at a party she was flirting with him all night and he eventually gave in. He was actually proud of himself for refusing to have sex with her when she was practically begging. I was still rather disgusted (we were friends at the time) but all his mates said the majority of men would have done the same. I believe them but I still think its gross. I dont think the bf did anything wrong per se ( as in hurting anyone) but that hes been brainwashed by society into thinkign this behaviour is normal and acceptable. I mean he regrets this particular girl as shes such a headwreck but for the being with someone hes not really interested in, he finds it normal.

When he showed an interest in me I was initially hesitant due to this and other incidents but some mutual friends pointed out hes a sweet guy, treats me like a princess and we get on super well and that I would be stupid to rule him out because hes had casual encounters. This makes sense to me logically (my ex wasnt slutty at all and ended up treated me terribly) but it still bothers me id respect him more I think if hed been more choosy etc.

That whole mindset comes from Renaissance times when the catholic church had a wish to control the masses so they brainwashed people into believing sex before marriage was evil. Because sex is one of the most powerful things their whole ploy simply was to disempower people so they could dictate to them. To be monogamous is not natural to a mans biological programming.

I personally do not really put in for one night stands unles there is a really good connection. I've turned down a lot of advances most recently 2 weeks ago with an american girl ,buts that my choice and I do not look down on people who do ,its their decision.

Wibbs

BumbleB wrote: »

To be monogamous is not natural to a mans biological programming.

IMHO I would say it's more subtle than that. I would say serial monogamy is more "natural" to men and women, but men are more likely to have one off encounters between such relationships. Of course they need women to do that with so theres some of that going on with them too.

starchild

I grew up thinking sex was something special to be shared between two people who loved each other and have never changed that opinion.

hi op

the above line in your post defines it for me. This sums up nicely how you view sex between two people. Its special between two people who love each other.

I agree with you its fantastic when two people who love each have sex , but what you seem to have difficulty in grasping is its also special when two people who may not be in love with each other have sex.

sex is wonderful. making love to someone when you are not in love with them is not wrong, in fact its fun, its natural and if the attraction is there and it feels right i say more power to them

there is nothing wrong with your viewpoint at all but it is clear it is making you look at people differently when you describe the hesitation you had in getting together with your bf who from how you describe him seems to be a thoroughly good bloke.

it is not that long since having sex outside of marriage in this country was viewed as wrong and with the greatest respect to you i would hazard a guess that your attitude towards sex stems from this culture.

i would say to you by all means hold to your belief that for you it is important to have sex only with someone you love but perhaps take a less judgemental approach to those who engage in casual sex. Their view of the world is just slightly different to yours.

jogoeire

Sex doesnt make a person good or bad.
Drugs dont make a person good or bad.
Money doesnt make person good or bad.

A good person is someone who treats people well, even if they dont have to treat them well (like a bum on the street or an assh*le at a party). If you can find a man with that quality you've found a prince.

VaioCruiser

valery wrote: »

trying to understand the ways of men ....i mean really trying to get into their way of thinking is impossible....:eek:.....we are wired up just tooooooo differently,

Mmm... while you are absolutely right in saying we are wired differently and it is also true that we speak different languages... Women's behaviour is equally impenetrable to the inexperienced guy. But I don't accept throwing in the towel.
What we need is some imagination mixed with some education. There are plenty of good books out there that teach us how to interpret these differing languages and needs. But unfortunately they are not on the school curriculum :-( and it is up to us to seek them out and learn.
However once we wake up the situation and really apply ourselves to seeing through the confusion, it gets so much easier and pleasurable. Sadly I did not achieve this until I was into my third decade :-(

if you find someone who turns out to be special then i would suggest that you accept him for who he is
NOW and have fun . try to put complications into the bottom drawer for
the present AND GO AND HAVE SOME FUN FUN FUN .........OH AND A
LITTLE INTIMACY CAN BLOW ALL THOSE COBWEBS OF DOUBT OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
.

Fair advice for an average person, but it is clear this lady has deep principles about casual sex that are not going to be washed away by such platitudes .. no offense.

All the best.

LegacyUser

well I'm a guy and I engaged in casual sex just the once and to be honest it left me feeling pretty hollow, I felt I had given something of myself away, not physical, not moral, but just something which was supposed to be meaningful to me....however, I confess to not regretting it.
I was fortunate to enter a long term relationship and can proudly say that I've only slept with two women, but only made love to one woman for the past 10 years.