Desperately Need help/advice!!

LegacyUser

Hi...

I'm relatively new to all this!
I'm kind of in a very awkward situation at the minute and I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice/opinion on where to turn!

Recently I've been caught up in a domestic abuse situation in my family home, where my father quite frequently comes home from the pub and starts to get seriously aggressive with myself and my mother.

I am a 19 year old female and I just moved home two months ago after getting my summer holidays from NUIG. I have had a talk with my mother but she simple denies and defends anything he does. I have seen instances of aggression and physical abuse in the past but it only seems to have got worse in recent months. When I was at home on odd weekends I did get a smake or two but took it with a pinch of salt as I know myself I can have a bit of a temper as well...

I have suggested things to my mother such as going to the GP or a councellor, getting my father removed from the house or else getting him some sort of treatmet but she won't allow any intervention under any circumstaces. 'what happpens between these four walls, stays between these four walls'.

I honestly don't think I can last until the end of the holidays at home with all this going on. I really struggled through my first year exams and ended up leaving exams early because I simply couldn't cope. I have taken action on my own behalf and talked with the college GP and councellor which have been a great help, but I don't think I will be able to go this alone this summer. I feel I have to sort something out for my mother in fear that something worse will happen....

My apoligies for the long rant!

poss

I would seriously advise you to contact a group like Women's Aid.

Google them and you'll get all the advice you need, i'm pretty sure there's a number you can ring them on there.

LegacyUser

There's nothing you can do about him abusing your mother if she denies it. The only thing you can do protect yourself and younger sibilings (if you have any) by contacting the social services(HSE). All underaged children will be removed from the house and your parents will still have their visiting rights. Maybe having her kids taken away will make your mother think twice about standing up for the father.

If you're the only child all you can do is remove yourself from the house, you can't tell your parents what to do and what not to do, so just get away.

legend365

Where do you live? I could be around in a flash!..nd im serious.

My family life was much the same. Only i'm a male so was able to protect my ma. She knew she had to get away but couldn't for a nubmer of years. We ended up moving out though.

Defiantly ring a few numbers and get help if your mother wont accept whats going on.

Slow Motion

legend365 wrote: »

Where do you live? I could be around in a flash!..nd im serious.

Careful now!

OP There is not much you can do for your mother until she decides she wants help, you need to think about yourself first! You need to remove yourself from this situation and be clear with your mam why you are doing so, as someone said above, contact womens aid or somesuch but you do need to get out for your own safety. Then you can start worrying about your mother!

LegacyUser

OP Here.
I really do appreciate what you are all saying...
I'm just worried that if I move out things could turn even nastier!
As for ringing social services or the gardai, it's a little bit difficult as my boyfriend is one of the local gardai and it would be pretty pointless ringing them for her to deny anything happening.
I live in the north west of the country and there's not that many services to my knowledge in the area...I've anyone could give me guidance to supports I would really appreciate it...
I am certain that I have to do something to get her out of this situation... I was considering visiting her GP again but I'm not quite sure what she can do, how do they react to these types of situations...?
I've already put forward the idea of councelling and other various things to her but it's just a pointless excerise...what should I do now???

Xiney

Any chance you could record the sounds of one of the domestic abuse incidents on your phone?

I've done that before when I was afraid everything would get denied (well, it was a tape recorder, but same difference)

LegacyUser

how would a recording stand?? Would someone act on it even if my mother denied it?
I honestly don't know, I have an awkward situation with the law myself and I will be honest when I say it's holding me back from sorting out this situation once and for all!!

Xiney

DVAS is in Sligo Leitrim and West Cavan
Donegal Women's Domestic Violence Service
Inishowen Women's Outreach


You need to get out of the abusive situation, OP. Ask to stay with a friend for the time being, until you get your father removed from the house.

Xiney

I just used it so that the person in the recording wouldn't deny what was happening in it.

Your issues with the law are entirely separate from this issue - unless there's a warrant out for your arrest or something.

LegacyUser

My issue with the law is that my boyfriend is a cop and his friends know me and my family pretty well...And with the fact I live in a small closs knit commuity it makes it all the more difficult....thank you for the organisations you suggested, I will get on to them tomorrow. I have planned to go away for a few days next week to get away from all this, so hopefully that will help....I might try and go back to see my councellor again to help get a bit more clarity on the issue...I guess I never realised it was this bad.

Lolaa

Seriously OP, seek some professional advice. I know its hard in small towns, but your mothers safety is more important then whether or not your gona be the talk of the town for a bit.

Contact one of the organisations above, they are a great help, have plenty of experience in these situations and can maybe talk to your mam and get her to move out

LegacyUser

Lolaa,
Yea thats my plan for tomorrow, have tried talking to my mother but it's simply no good...
I am going to get in contact with her GP as well to see if there's anything that can be done from that perspective because this is simply gone passed the stage of covering injuries up with make up ect. I am personally afraid that if I don't have ie the dinner out at say 4pm that he's going to blow a fuse...I don't know about my mum but I seriously can't handle this any longer!! I've already been put on anti-depressant, so whats this doing to her mentally???

Xiney

I retract what I said previously about recording things. If your father is that volatile it may be dangerous.

Lolaa

Talking to her GP may be a good move, surely the GP has seen many marks on her body over the years, and could maybe offer help towards your mother.

I know its hard, nearly tip toeing around him so he doesnt blow a fuss. Try as best you can to keep the peace in the house (I know its hard), literally just for the sack of your mother, as she is probably the one taking most of the slack

LegacyUser

Yes, trust me he is...
I wouldn't be on here looking for advice otherwise...
At least next week I'll be away from all this for a few days..some consolation:(

Slow Motion

OP I can't say this strongly enough. Your first duty is to yourself, remove yourself from this situation ASAP because until you do this you won't be thinking 100% straight. When you are safe then start worrying about your mother, I know this sounds harsh but you won't be able to help her if you are worrying about yourself also. You said your boyfriend is a Gard, have you told him about this situation? Can he not help or advise or even have a word off the record with your mother or even your father?

LegacyUser

I am temporarily going away to see if that will help me sort myself out as I've had issues in the past and I'm afraid these might come to light yet again and thats something I certainly don't want.
I had a word with her GP this morning again and she said that she will call her in for a check up in the comming weeks and try and suss out anything that she feels thats going on, an advise her as best she can....that helps a bit...
As regards my boyfriend, I'd prefer not to get him involved...I don't want this situation to make our lives any more awkward than they already are!
Plus the fact that I have two older brothers..I feel as if they should know about this but they have their own problems to deal with...

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Plus the fact that I have two older brothers..I feel as if they should know about this but they have their own problems to deal with...

Ok the fact that you have two older brothers puts a new spin on it. My father is a volatile man as well with a ferocious temper but he has never laid a finger on my mother but if he ever did I know my brothers would hospitalise him. Now I am not suggesting your brothers come around and do any such thing but I think they need to know, she is their mother and they need to help her and you. If your father knew they knew he might not be so abusive. If this man deals in force maybe it's all he understands.

LegacyUser

I hear whst your saying...my brothers are both at different ends of the country and I would feel that I was just as bad as my 'father' if I told them exactly what was going on.
I do know what they would do. In saying this they themselves have had alot to deal with in the last few months...they now both have families of their own and are struggling to manage as they are, they both recently lost their jobs, they have had to deal with physical abuse in the past...My 'father' is a monster!

paperclip2

Unregistered wrote: »

...My 'father' is a monster!

Thats a very strong sentiment but given what has gone on its justified. However from what you have said you also seem to be concerned with almost protecting your father from public scrutiny. That there is some kind of shame attached to getting help in case people find out. Chances are, though, that people probably already have a fair idea of what your father is like but, as is usual in Ireland, nothing is ever said until its too late. Theres no blame or shame attached to you or your mother or brothers because of the actions of your father. You have nothing to feel bad about. His violence says volumes about him but nothing about you.

Please stop giving him the protection of your silence. Get all the help you can. Talk to your boyfriend. Maybe if your mother sees you taking serious steps it might help her to find her own strength.

Take care of yourself OP.

anonymous_joe

Contact someone! Your mother's wishes aren't necessarily what's best for her.

Talk to your GP, the guards, anyone. Don't let it continue, your mother and yourself will be left totally miserable.

I went out with a girl whose mother was physically abusive, and the years of abuse meant she was still (and is still I'm told) shaken by it all. Don't just ignore it, it won't help anyone but the abuser...

The Gish

Am new to this end of the boards. Actually it is my first day outside the "Region" section of the boards.
My advice comes from experience.
Call the Garda Siochana the next time it happens. Everything needs to be formalised.
You ma does NOT know what is best in this situation. You do NOT know what is best in this situation. Dont wait too long as you will end up saying to yourself " I should have done this or I should have done the other"
Some good advice has already been given to you as contacting Womens Aid etc. They WILL know whats best.
My apologies if someone has already suggested this. I havent time to read all of the posts.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies...
It's not that the family would be the talk of the town or anything...
My boyfriend is great and everything, I just don't think that he needs to come into this situation, I don't want to make his life any more difficult than it already is...
I think I will contact one of his guard friends on an off the record basis to see what he says can be done about the situation.
I myself am covering up after last nights incident which yet again my mother seems not to consider that anything is taking place...
I am whether I like it or not home until september, with the odd few days away through the country...
I've been to her GP, now I'm considering going back to my own GP to see if I can get any help for myself before I have a complete meltdown, which isn't too far away
Thanks for your advice.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for your replies...
It's not that the family would be the talk of the town or anything...
My boyfriend is great and everything, I just don't think that he needs to come into this situation, I don't want to make his life any more difficult than it already is...
I think I will contact one of his guard friends on an off the record basis to see what he says can be done about the situation.
I myself am covering up after last nights incident which yet again my mother seems not to consider that anything is taking place...
I am whether I like it or not home until september, with the odd few days away through the country...
I've been to her GP, now I'm considering going back to my own GP to see if I can get any help for myself before I have a complete meltdown, which isn't too far away
Thanks for your advice.

Its your boyfriend's job as he's a guard and it's your responsibility to inform him.
What if you dad kills your mum? Could you live with the blame?

Ive been through this and i did not get the guards involved which I strongly regret. I hospitalised my "father" and nothing good came out of it...He kept beating her twice as hard when i was out and she tried to cover it up twice as much to protect him.

PLEASE call the guards

coadyj

this story actually caught my attention so I asked someone who is in the know about these kind of situations. Their advice was to call the police

Under family law court you can ask for one of two orders

A restraining order, which will mean that your father can still live in the house, but if he touches you again he will be arrested

And a barring order, which means he is not allowed come near the house.

I would recommend getting the restraining order, it would scare the crap out of him without being a public announcement of the problems at home. It would also give you protection so that if anything gets out of hand you can have him removed from the premise in a matter of minutes.

Be strong and good luck

Thoushaltnot

Just a suggestion but maybe you should *discretely* keep an "abuse diary".

Dates, times, how long the beatings went on for, brief description of beatings, injuries. Facts. The sort of stuff that could be used in court, if it comes to that.

I saw a woman on Oprah who'd been through this and luckily, a canny work colleague copped what was going on and recorded when the victim couldn't come into work, description of bruises, etc. When the victim eventually decided to leave, they had some form of evidence, which helped get the husband locked up, for a long time.

But don't tell either of your parents. Save it for the courts.

paperclip2

Unregistered wrote: »

I think I will contact one of his guard friends on an off the record basis to see what he says can be done about the situation.
.

Thats a really good idea, its great that you're taking this step. I know its not easy, so well done you.

CDfm

Talking to the GP is a good move if your mother is suffering physical abuse and to womens aid.

Your Mum can apply for a Safety Order (not requiring him to move out) but to stop the physical abuse. This can be applied for in the District Court and in the Interim she could get a protection order.

That means the Guards could arrest him if he breaches the order.

If your Dad has an alcohol problem then maybe he should be going to your GP and it might be that you lay your cards on the table on this. A visit to an AL Anon meeting for relatives of problem drinkers might be in order.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

You cant help your Mom if she doesnt want help but maybe you will get something from it.

LegacyUser

The one thing that I have done throughout this situation is keep a diary...At this stage is nearly full! Like to him just another normal day...
I believe that it's time to get the guards involved..otherwise I don't know how it will end up. I noticed last night marks on her arms and I think that she is self-harming...I questioned her about it and she denied it and tried to cover it up as I myself have and sometimes still do... I do believe that getting her the appropraite help she needs should be my priority...I have booked the two of us a weekend away together shortly!
Since things have gone to these extreme lenghts I do believe that I will have to involve the guards on the next instance whenever that will be??

LegacyUser

I ended up arriving back home there the other night after my couple days away from it all... to find that..well lets just say that nothing has changed... I was hoping for a miracle I suppose...I ended up actually calling my boyfriend..told him everything in an 'off-duty' capacity and got him to kind of scare my dad off....
I had honestly thought that this would work, it ended up in another lashing out at the both of us...!! I myself am physically and emotionally shattered...I went last night and stayed in my bf house..my problem is that I can't seem to lift the phone and tell the people who can do something about him to sort it out...The guards are the only hope at this stage...but I am too much of a coward....

CDfm

OP - I hope you wont be offended but this is your Mothers problem and while you may in deed by right but at your age you are a guest in their house and what they choose to tolerate from each other is up to them.

If you dont like it you should move out.

And no - your Mother does not have to see it your way.