Rumour has it my brother's wife is having an affair

LegacyUser

As the title states, I have heard rumours that my brothers wife is having an affair. I really dont know what to do. I am fairly close to m brother and I know that this will kill him. He is 30 and his wife is 29 and supposedly she is meeting a local guy for the last few months.
The question is do I tell my brother? The other option I thought about is confronting her but then thinking about it she will have time to work out her options and maybe turn things around.

Do I tell him ?

Any advice welcome as it is eating me up inside.

Wotzit

Hi OP,

I feel really sorry for you, it's an awful situation to be in but remember that you have no proof of an affair, it's just a rumour and it may or may not be true so until you are absolutely 100% positive that she's up to no good I wouldn't say anything. I understand this will be really difficult considering you're so close to your brother but you really don't have any option.

If/when you do find proof, I would advise you to approach your brothers wife and tell her you know about her affair and if she doesn't tell your brother or end the outside relationship immediately, you will. Leave her under no illusion that you will keep this yourself.

This is your brother. And if he ever found out that you knew about this and didn't tell him, I'm sure he would be extremely upset. He doesn't deserve to be lied to.

jimmycrackcorm

Do nothing without any evidence. All it is for now is a rumour. You cannot achieve anything without some concrete proof.

LegacyUser

Tell him that you've heard rumours. If you were in his shoes I presume you'd like to know what was being said.

CDfm

If it is a rumour it has to have come from somewhere.

So check the source and I dont know what I would do. How do they normally get along and are there any kids.

But I would not confront her but would speak to her privately. I would ask her if everything is alright in their relationship and when she asks why tell her that there is a rumour going around and tell her what is being said and you wanted to clear it up with her.Be prepared to tell her who said it.

You should be nice as if she has done nothing it would be wrong to accuse her. Now it may be she blows up and tells you mind your own business or may blow up and have an innocent and true explanation.

There is no other way unless you ignore it.

I think until you do this and gauge her reaction that there is nothing you can say to your brother.

Sleepy

Tell him stories are doing the rounds.

r3nu4l

Yep, tell him where you heard it, who you heard it from and then help him get to the bottom of it. Maybe some malicious idiot is starting false rumours or maybe there's something to it, either way your brother deserves to know what is being said.

I_am_Jebus

TBH, I wouldn't say anything at this moment in time. As you are close to your bro, I would suggest to keep your ear to the ground. I've experienced two kinds of rumours in my life:

1. Those that came from something and were fundamentally true.
2. Those that were vindictive and didn't have any element of truth.

Both of the above can equally ruin a friendship/relationship. Therefore one should thread very carefully.

I suggest you try find the source of the rumour and/or try find out more info before talking to your brother. Even the littlest seed of doubt can often ruin a relationship/marriage so don't be too quick to lay out the cards unnecassarily

punchdrunk

If you say anything your going to cop one of those bullets flying round the China shop,
stay well clear of it unless it's concrete
even then you could get it in the neck for just being the messenger

chickenhawk

Tell him everything as you heard it. If it's true he'll find out eventually. If it's not then you can just say that it's better you told him! And if he finds out you heard about it but didn't tell him then he'll (probably) never speak to you again (if it's true). F*ucking cheaters ruin everything!

jimmycrackcorm

How about I start a rumour that all the above posters are paedophiles? Will someone rush to tell their partners? Rumours are put put out for various reasons. It only takes one person to have a grudge to start an avalanche. Innocent until haven been at least shown a bit guilty...

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I think you should tell your brother about the rumour. My exH had an affair and then chose her over me...people knew and I was the last to know.
Before anyone thinks I am just saying this because I am a bitter "spurned" woman I can assure you I am not.
A good person who was a friend of mine and ex tipped me off to the affair. This gave me time to get my legal house in order, finances were protected. Ex had already started planning his exit, so if friend hadn't tipped me off I would've been eye deep in sh*t.
I was also able to prepare my kids for the fallout and I will be forever grateful to that friend as he helped protect innocent kids from a potentially traumatic shock.
I had time to go to counselling before ex left(he wouldn't go) and without it I would have been a basket case.
You are his brother.....blood is thicker than water and when the rumours get back to him(and they definitely will) he will be hurt you didn't tell him.

LegacyUser

Proof might be the best thing to get at this stage and there are loads of Private Investigator companies that specialise in infidelity cases. If you get pics, you can simply show them to your brother without all the 'what if's... you cant argue with hard evidence.

wylo

Easy one,tell him what you heard OP, he needs to know there is a rumour anyway going around whether it be true or not, its completely his business to know something like that, and Id be very very p1ssed off if my bro knew something like that and never told me.

If its true then he'll have a chance to find out more info,
If its false, then he can find out whos spreading stories about his wife!!!

Vanbis

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Do nothing without any evidence. All it is for now is a rumour. You cannot achieve anything without some concrete proof.

I would agree no point in starting something without evidence. Just take a few days of work or whatever you do and follow her with a camera and once you get the evidence then confront her and give her the option of telling the truth to your brother or you will.

Samba

Vanbis wrote: »

I would agree no point in starting something without evidence. Just take a few days of work or whatever you do and follow her with a camera and once you get the evidence then confront her and give her the option of telling the truth to your brother or you will.

I disagree...

If there is any truth to the whisperings he has a right to know and the same applies to malicious rumors.

Just approach him and explain the situation, perhaps before the conversation it might be worth reminding him that you are telling him this because he is your Brother and you feel you have a moral duty to do so because either way what's being said is damaging.

Then you could suggest to him that he could possibly avail of private services to ascertain any credibility to the rumors.

I certainly would not feel comfortable going behind my Brothers back and hiring a private eye to snoop around his spouse.

On what basis are you hesitant to tell him?

Are you fearful of a very bad reaction?

Just try your best not to be in a Pub if you do decide to be open and truthful with him!

CDfm

r3nu4l wrote: »

Yep, tell him where you heard it, who you heard it from and then help him get to the bottom of it. Maybe some malicious idiot is starting false rumours or maybe there's something to it, either way your brother deserves to know what is being said.

That would be my concern that the rumours are malicious.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

If it is a rumour it has to have come from somewhere.

So check the source and I dont know what I would do. How do they normally get along and are there any kids.

Fortunately they have no kids yet.

But I would not confront her but would speak to her privately. I would ask her if everything is alright in their relationship and when she asks why tell her that there is a rumour going around and tell her what is being said and you wanted to clear it up with her.Be prepared to tell her who said it.

You should be nice as if she has done nothing it would be wrong to accuse her. Now it may be she blows up and tells you mind your own business or may blow up and have an innocent and true explanation.

There is no other way unless you ignore it.

I really dont think that I can ignore it.

I think until you do this and gauge her reaction that there is nothing you can say to your brother.

Thanksfor your reply

LegacyUser

Ok so I have a bit of an update. I called his best friend today and asked him did he think everything was ok between "John & Mary" and he said ya I think so why do I ask. So I tell him what I know which is very little at this stage. He says gimme a few mins and I will call you back. So he rings me back and says Sarah your not going to believe this but apparantly its the talk of the town, needles to say I nearly fell off the chair. I said do you know where this is coming from and he doesnt. A friend of a friend heard it down the pub. Apparently its a married guy we all know which makes iy worse. I asked him what we should do and he is like me he doesnt know what to do.

He asked me was I gonna tell John and I told him I dont know unless I have some evidence, he feels the same as in that he will say it to him if either he had evidence or know of someone who knows what was going on.

So im sitting here after reading all the replies and still unsure what to do. I do think that my brother will react bad, he is a big softy at heart.

still confused here..... help

LegacyUser

if there's no children involved I think you're going to have to share this with him if you love him, the last thing you need is for her to fall pregnant.

NickNolte

Look. Either some person/people are being malicious scumbags or there's truth to the rumour. Either way, you should tell your brother what you've heard. Not necessarily that it's true - just what you know and what you've heard.

It strikes me as very odd that it would be true and the whole town would know about it though. These things are usually very convert and secret unless one or both of the guilty party want to be caught. If it turns out to be just a rumour, get to the bottom of it and find out who spread it.

Liam Byrne

whattodo09 wrote: »

A friend of a friend heard it down the pub.

That's got about the same level of credibility as a Taoiseach at a Tribunal hearing!

MAYBE if you had proof you could mention it, but as it stands you'd only be causing grief and suspicion.

If she is having an affair, she'll slip up at some stage.

And if she's not, and some drunken idiot that she turned down has started a nasty rumour, then HE'S the one that deserves to have his life turned upside-down, not your brother or your sister-in-law.

LegacyUser

Maybe she has a good reason for having the affair ????

Kipperhell

OP
You don't need proof and the information your brother needs to know is that there is a rumour. He will realise pretty quickly that other people have heard it once you let him know. If I was your brother and I found out your heard the rumour and never told me I would be furious. It wouldn't matter if it was true or not and if it was true I wouldn't feel like I could trust you to talk about it.

Darthhoob

i wouldn't tell him personally. not until i had absolute proof.

it's just a rumour and one that could ruin their marriage whether it is true or not. if it isn't true and you tell him, he wont trust her and will be paranoid and their marriage will never be the same....and he wont really know if she is telling the truth (without a lie dector jeremy kyle styley)

rumours are crap, it could have started by some person who is jealous or something.

Taltos

OP

I have 3 brothers.
If I even had a hint at what was being said I would tell them and I hope they would tell me.
It might turn out to be groundless - but at a min - they need to address the "rumours" - if they turn out true - well at least they know.

If I found out after the fact that one of my bro's or sister's knew I would be gutted and I do not think I would be able to trust them again.

Family is family - and sometimes that means that you have to deliver the bad news. Just do not do it in a sensationalist way; just let them know what you heard; maybe just laugh it off and say you heard this crazy rumour, obviously false but you thought he should know in case he needed to track down who started it - this way you are not saying it is true but you are at least letting him know what is being said.....

Don't wait though.

SarahSassy

The expression 'Bro's before Ho's' suddenly takes on a whole new meaning....

Would you want to know?

CDfm

whattodo09 wrote: »

Ok so I have a bit of an update. I called his best friend today and asked him did he think everything was ok between "John & Mary" and he said ya I think so why do I ask. So I tell him what I know which is very little at this stage. He says gimme a few mins and I will call you back. So he rings me back and says Sarah your not going to believe this but apparantly its the talk of the town, needles to say I nearly fell off the chair. I said do you know where this is coming from and he doesnt. A friend of a friend heard it down the pub.

still confused here..... help

That sounds very reliable that does.

I mean to say it really you would want something more substantial.

LegacyUser

Hands up who would like to know what's being talked about you in the locality, either true or false.

If this rumour is true, then this man is the laughing stock of the town. If it's false, then he needs to kill the rumour, immediately.

To do nothing will either harm his relationship, or his reputation, or both!

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

Hands up who would like to know what's being talked about you in the locality, either true or false.

If this rumour is true, then this man is the laughing stock of the town. If it's false, then he needs to kill the rumour, immediately.

To do nothing will either harm his relationship, or his reputation, or both!

I have both my hands up to this.

CDfm

But its her reputation and lets face it this urban rumour does not have real witnesses. She is getting the rawer deal here assuming the rumour is false.

LegacyUser

my sister was cheating on her boyfriend while i was living with tham and i continually covered for her because she is my sister and you stick with blood, its the biggest question i ask myself, should i have told him? because he didnt deserve it, but they eventually broke up,

overall your loyalties lie with your brother, if they really love each other then he is going to be angry with you and not like you for a while whether she turns oout to be cheating or not,

would you ask the missus about the rumours? like "im concerned i heard some rumours im sure there is no truth....etc"

LegacyUser

OP, do you think your brother will thank you for saying nothing (whether its true or not)?
I doubt it.
You have been discreet and asked his friend - he thinks there is something going on also.

What proof are you waiting on that needs to happen before you raise a concern (not an accusation) to your brother ? a two page ad in the indo????

You need to talk to you bro, tell him what you heard, tell him what his friend thinks etc.
Granted its rumour (at this stage) but at least let your bro have a choice to confront or pursue things further

IMO if family withheld info like that from me over some misguided sense of moral debate I'd dis-own them - whether it turns out to be true or not - as a husband he'd still want to know the fact that people are talking about his wife behind his back.

IvyTheTerrible

I think you need to tell your brother. Not because you think the rumour is true but because if it is false, he needs to be able to nip it in the bud.

A hell of a lot of crap gets spread around small towns. I know someone (a relative) who spread a rumour about someone local supposed to be a wife beater and after she received a solicitors letter from the couple, that shut her up fairly quick.

dlambirl

Been in this situation

you need evidence for your brother might be mad with you but IMO i'd tell him.

Heinrich

If it's a rumour he will get to hear. Rumours are not selectiive. You cannot nip a rumour in the bud as suggested. If his wife is cheating then you telling him won't "uncheat".

If you are undecided then coming on to a place like this will only confuse all the more. Deep down you know what you must do whether right or wrong.

LegacyUser

you have to be careful, if it's only a rumour and there's no truth behind it you could wreck a happy couple, he could even react violently and you could only imagine where that could lead to. I think the bottom line is that you can't tell him directly.
The next question is whether you can discuss this with the so called 'lover' of your sister in law. Ask him can you have a chat, be reasonable and assume innocence on his part and inform him that there's a rumour being spread about him and a member of your family which you find upsetting and judge his reaction, he may turn out to be just as shocked as you to be hearing about the rumour. Don't mention her name to him. If there is an affair going on then he'll certainly tell her that you've met with him and they'll either split or she'll find it impossible not to discuss it with you....i.e. within a few weeks she'll ask you if you've heard a terrible rumour about her. Just be prepared for the 'lover' to tell you that it's none of your business who he sleeps with.