Lonely at any age...

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I have read some posts from people who have owned up to being lonely and it has prompted me to do the same. I am in my 40's and from the outside, looks like my life should be great (I also work in a job that would make anyone realise how lucky they are from the type of people and situations I come across every day) and have 2 great kids. I have tried to change things by going to college part time (which I now do) and joining in activities either locally or in the school or through work. The problem is making friends that last? I always seem to pick friends that are not as interested in me as I am in them and move on to better things or better people. I was shy when younger and so didnt make many friends in school, then started working and thought I had made friends that would last, but they didnt. Now, I feel I have little in common with people my own age as they can be quite set in their ways and narrow minded and that is not me. I know this post sounds whiny and like I am a sad case, but I just wanted to throw it out there to if people had any ideas for how they may have turned this around for themselves?

thanks for reading.

smk89

Hi im 20 and all my life ive suffered from depression and loneliness and its quite a vicious circle. Ive tried all my life to get out of the rut and it just keeps geting more difficult.
I recienly broke up with my gf and since then ive felt better about myself instead of better and its made me realise than ive got to do stuff for myself. I know its cliche but i only regret the things i dont do so not i dont turn down opertunities presented.
I think everyones different and as such its difficult to give you advice on what to do. All I can say is do what you want to do (not what you are told to do).
And good luck

I_am_Jebus

As your kinda intro suggests, one can be lonely at any age. I am in my mid 20s. Can't say I am lonely per sé but I very few friends and probably for the most part that is my own fault. When younger I was involved in many sports etc.. but never bothered to pursue frienships from that. Now, in work I usually avoid work drinks/nights out etc.. I really don't know why I do it. I am really fearful that I will never find the right person and never settle down.

I've had 3 long-term serious relationships, all ended, single now, no kids. YOu have kids, so thats a great outlet and a feeling of bondness (not the 007 type). You just need to get out there, join some clubs, be it book, movie, sports clubs etc... you'll find people of similar interests as you and things will be easier for you and your potential friends to make lasting friendships.

ogriofa

Hi Unreg,
we all know how hard it is to make real friends after school. I think the trick would be to look for aquaintances rather than friends, and if a friend comes along - yabadabadoo.
Its kinda like the dating scene, if you're looking for "friend" you might come on a bit strong.
Do stuff, have a laugh and you'll find that you are going to coffee with one "aquaintance" more than the other aquaintances

A mixture of optomistic & realistic

Go on ya good thing

LegacyUser

I'm in my early 20's and had a similiar feeling

I went through some very bad headspace at one stage last month, where I got to the stage that I felt if I wasn't around in the morning, would anyone know or care that I was gone?

I see some of my old school friends posting stuff to each other on facebook and bebo, and wonder why they don't contact me, I know it sounds a bit selfish, but I'd be jealous of their friendship - I found it really hard to make best friends in school, I was someone that got on with everyone, but could not confide in anyone. Involved in a load of activities, but still cannot seem to make "real" friends. I kinda moved my thoughts elsewhere, into new activities and it helped.

OP, I think your kids could be a great outlet.

Optimism is the best policy, and the poster who mentioned acquaintances is onto something good. You're not the first one, not will u be the last person to feel lonely. Its much better to actually reach out like this than keep it in your head. Good luck with it

LegacyUser

I'm in my early 40's and in the same boat...so will keep a good eye on this thread....am so bad at the mo Im having scary thoughts about life in general...

LegacyUser

im in my late twenties and i feel the same as you. its strange because i used to have a great gang of friends but then over a few years it just felt like everyone moved on and found better friends or a new gang to be with. I feel like i've struggled since then to find new friends and even though ive tried to keep my old friendships going a lot of the time it's a one way street. i've sort of resigned myself to thinking i'd better just move on, even though the girls i hung out with were my best friends for about 10 years. Now I barely hear from them or see them. in the past few years iv found myself wondering how will i make new friendships again because everywhere i go everyone seems to have their own little click of friends and they dont care about meeting anyone new or making an effort to include you in things. they have those "remember when" conversations and you sit there feeling left out. i find it very hard to try and make new close friends. people who have them are very lucky. i can honestly say i only have one close friend now

LegacyUser

i'm the second unreg poster - and I hate feeling this way. The poster above me hit it on the head, everybody seems to have their own click. I've tried texting a few friends, no reply - its as if people don't want to know me or something. It hurts, and I don't know why they won't text back. I hate feeling this lonely, I can't seem to do anything right at home, nothing!

I've mixed feelings now, anger and sadness mixed with lonliness- I'm just so frustrated at the moment. Everybody seems to have someone else, I have no one.... I've tried reaching out, and it hasn't worked, really don't know what to do.

shaz22

I feel the same, am 25 and was bullied all through primary school, was emotionally abused at home, my father had alcohol problems at the time and my parents rowed constantly, i had no friends and while this all eased off slightly in secondary school the bullying stayed with me and i developed deep depression, i still have it now and am in a bad relationship for about 5 years, i slept around a lot as a teenager to fill this desperate lonely void i had to be accepted and loved, i still suffer with desperate loneliness and depression and have bad anxiety. you just have to try keep your chin up there's either that or give in to the bad feeelings

lassdara

I dont know how many others out there feel the same or are in the same boat as i am .
i have felt so utterly lonely since i left college three years ago and i am a friendly, nice and bubbly person, who makes a very good and loyal friend yet i have found it so hard to make friends with people. as one person said, everywhere i have worked there seems to be clicks and established friendships already and this only makes it harder.
My lonelyness is being compounded by the fact that my husband has lots of friends and people to interact with and socialise with and i often find myself sitting in a crowed room with them wondering what is wrong with me that i cant make friends and feeling very sad and lonely while he enjoys his night/occassion
Dont get me wrong im glad he has friends and is happy in his career - it's just very hard to sit and watch his life take off while mine seems to have hit rock bottom.

LegacyUser

Lonely, yes I do. That vacant vacuum. It can suck you in. Intolerable. You know what, a lot of people have it. What do you do. I dunno. What you must remember is that at the moment a lot of us are going through ...hell... it is the way it is.. we can't change the way it is but what you must strive for is an equilibrium or else you will go under. I don't want to go there but I am very near it. You forget how to converse, every day logic. It is up to us, to yourself, to make sure it wont' get the better of us, you are a better person than that. I don't know what is ahead but it ain't going to be good. You are not the only one. To paraphrase 'the **** is hitting the fan'. This recession isn't a happy time for anyone, believe me, most of us are feeling very lonely in our 'losses', love relationships monetary security...

We as individuals will always be alone ie. we are only One person. We must take charge of our own suffering, endure it and conquer it... Otherwise.

LegacyUser

i feel exactly in the same boat. I am in my mid 20's, just finished college and am working full time. I have felt lonely since as long as i can remember. My parents divorced when i was really young. My mum worked full time to support myself and my siblings so she was never really around. My siblings are quite a bit older than me so they had they're friends and their social groups so they were never around either.

I find it easy enough to make friends but i always feel disconnected from groups, always on the outside and the last point of contact. My closest friends have all moved on with their lives, ie they're all in steady relationships, moving in with other halves etc, whereas i feel stuck in the same old life. I still see them/talk to them regularly enough but feel that people have little time for me these days.

I try to organise nights out, cinema, clubbing, meals and nights in but it always gets cancelled as everyone has better options!

I have joined clubs and do sports etc to meet new people but my lack of confidence holds me back now, more than ever. Its getting to the point where i have nothing to talk about with friends so i just let them do all the talking about whats happening in their lives. Last night i was on the phone to my friend i could hear her yawning when i was telling her what was going on with me and then she changed the conversation to something completely different. Its a little soul destroying.

I used to be very comfortable spending time on my own but these days i have to constantly keep myself busy as spending time on my own really makes me feel so lonely and sad. I am working as much as i can for something to do, I go out walking etc. I just wish i had someone to talk to about all this.

I dont really know what i can do to make myself feel better, im just afraid im going to end up completely on my own.

maybeso

I just read an article in an old National Geographic where they interviewed lots of centarians about the secret to living longer.

One woman, who was 101 from California, her husband died just before their 77th anniversary. She was asked about loneliness and she said "of course i feel lonely once in a while, but for me that's always been a sign to get up and go help somebody". This same woman volunteers in a day care center for the elderly! And calls the people in there, who are much younger than her, 'old folk'! The volunteer work gives her a sense of purpose.

She said " I realised a long time ago that I needed to go out to the world. The world was not going to come to me".

I just thought of your post when I read it and thought I'd share.

baileysman

hi all im single and im 34 yerars old i spend alot of time with my own company and i find it totaly fine i never worry as to weather i will meet a lady get married have kids i think the secret is to be comfortable with your self im always looking to meet new friends and i do a lot of the time and i alweays have an eye out for a lady and a soul mate too feel free to chat with me anytime if any one is lonely guys and girls

Darlughda

Hey OP and others

Loneliness and isolation is becoming a very common experience for so many people. Particularly after the age of 35 it can seem impossible to meet people who you have a natural rapport with. Whatever your circumstances, unemployment, illness, geographical location or just plain life situation it is a very harrowing experience, particularly when it drags on for years and makes the future seem bleak. The irony is that many many people from different circumstances are feeling this right now.

There are so many feelings of shame and loss of self esteem with this, especially in Irish society as we still cling to family units and friends we know from years ago. Sure there are great suggestions; volunteering, night classes, sports clubs etc. These options don't suit everyone for various reasons.

It does seem that people who go through this, and some do experience extreme despair at times do eventually turn their life around. Because of what they go through, this can enable them to have greater understanding of how complex and pervasive this problem is in our modern society and make us more understanding of others. Please don't give up. Its hard not to fit in to the cliques and set circles, but these will be the very people that in time you will be glad you aren't limited to in the future.

LegacyUser

Noble deeds and hot baths...

the short and simple cure for depression.

lassdara

The posts help, its nice to know none of us are alone in the sadness of being lonely...... here we are a group of people talking, we should stay in contact and maybe help eachother.... just a suggestion....

Porkpie

Unregistered wrote: »

im in my late twenties and i feel the same as you. its strange because i used to have a great gang of friends but then over a few years it just felt like everyone moved on and found better friends or a new gang to be with. I feel like i've struggled since then to find new friends and even though ive tried to keep my old friendships going a lot of the time it's a one way street. i've sort of resigned myself to thinking i'd better just move on, even though the girls i hung out with were my best friends for about 10 years. Now I barely hear from them or see them. in the past few years iv found myself wondering how will i make new friendships again because everywhere i go everyone seems to have their own little click of friends and they dont care about meeting anyone new or making an effort to include you in things. they have those "remember when" conversations and you sit there feeling left out. i find it very hard to try and make new close friends. people who have them are very lucky. i can honestly say i only have one close friend now

It's uncanny how closely that resembles my situation. I used to have a big group of mates, we used to head out on the weekends and have a great laugh. Now they've all moved abroad (what did I do? ) and I only have a couple of close mates now really. Loneliness certainly seems prevalent among people nowadays and is the cause of deep depression in some. Depsite all the advice, good as it is, it's not always as easy as 'join a club, go to a gym'. I've always found that friendships don't need to be worked on, they just develop naturally. My experience has been that it's much harder to make friends when you get past your mid 20's. Anyway, there are AH beers on the 18 July in Karma last time I checked. Might be an idea to try that!

LegacyUser

Totally agree with the above post. I'm 27, and for the past 2/3 years i've felt my friends and I have all drifted. Dunno who is to blame, but I have alway made an effort by emailing/texting etc, but it's not always reciprocated. Also, slowly but surely my friends are pairing off and settling...
I also think that making 'real' friends once you hit mid 20's is difficult. I started a new job just over a year ago, didn't know anyone in the area, and basically most people I work with are lovely, and we have a good laugh at work. There are also nights out every month or so. However, I know if I left here tomorrow I would prob not actually keep in touch with any of them, and they wouldn't go all out to keep up contact with me.
I don't know what the solution is, but getting all down about it isn't the answer. If you're a wee bit down, then maybe get exercising. To be honest it has helped me. And again agreeing with the above post), joining clubs/gyms etc are not all that great. I tried squash and no joy.
sorry I know my post isnt' exactly helpful. But I think you need to be as a positive as you can and if there are any activites you'd like to get involved in then, go for it. If nothing else they will pass one of two evenings per week. Maybe in time you will meet someone, and you'll forget about feeling lonely, and you'll end up being one of 'those people' you mention who don't keep in touch with you. Carry on anyway, and try to be happy, as it seems like your dwelling this loneliness. things will get better ;-)

LegacyUser

I live on my own and while I'm comfortable being on my own a lot of the time, it's at this time every night that I feel lonely. My day & evening is taken up with work, dinner, exercising etc but it's later in the night when there's no distractions, all I want is a hug - not sex - just a hug to make me feel connected to another human being & to feel that somebody cares. Guess there's no easy fix!

Lone Stone

shaz22 wrote: »

I feel the same, am 25 and was bullied all through primary school, was emotionally abused at home, my father had alcohol problems at the time and my parents rowed constantly, i had no friends and while this all eased off slightly in secondary school the bullying stayed with me and i developed deep depression, i still have it now and am in a bad relationship for about 5 years, i slept around a lot as a teenager to fill this desperate lonely void i had to be accepted and loved, i still suffer with desperate loneliness and depression and have bad anxiety. you just have to try keep your chin up there's either that or give in to the bad feeelings

Almost identical to myself , I find life to be very lonely the majority of the time moved alot had family issue's etc anxiety was the kicker for me i had a fairly large group of friends before i got post traumatic stress disorder have a very small pool of friends outside college, i really get on with my college friends but like the OP i dont think i will see them once the course ends.