I advised him to dump me. And then he did. And now I feel like crap.

LegacyUser

Edit: I just realised how long this is!! If anyone can read it all and pass on some advice to me I'll be eternally grateful!! Thanks

Long story as short as possible. I was seeing an amazing guy for four weeks. I've had a number of relationships before and I think I've become more educated naturally in how they work and how they go and what happens.

However, it was this guy's first relationship. After four weeks I started to think that (from experience) he's probably going to want to play the field at some stage. Unfortunately, I could feel myself falling in love with him over the few weeks. Very soon? Yep. Very fast? Yes. However I'm normally a total cynic, which makes me trust myself even more that yes I was indeed falling hard for this guy, just like i thought, coz I don't take these things lightly.

Every single moment with him was like being on a constant high. I've never experienced that with anybody before. I wasn't even looking for someone when I found him. It just happened.

So four weeks to the day that we actually started seeing each other, I told him what I felt, i.e. that I'd been through the dating thing and the relationship thing and I know what I want now and I know what I feel and when it's right and when it's wrong. But that he hasn't gone through all that yet. And that he's probably going to want to play the field at some stage. And that I don't want to let myself fall any harder for him unless he's entirely certain that he doesn't want to play the field.

He responded by saying that he wants me and only me, and really doesn't want to be with anyone else. In response I asked him to take a week apart from me to think long and hard about it for himself. The next day we ended up chatting online, and he said he had thought about it and he definitely just wants to be with me and nobody else. We talked about it further for a little while, and then I spent some time thinking about it myself, and concluded that I would trust his judgement and stay in the relationship. I was really happy to do that.

As the week went on, about 6 days after I brought up the conversation, I asked him if he'd thought any more about what I'd said. He said he had, and that he now thinks I'm right. That he doesn't want to be in a relationship and maybe at the same time end up thinking "What if...?" This is exactly what I had suggested to him in the first place, but he was adamant that it wasn't the case. And now he'd changed his mind. I was feeling devastated.

He made me feel absolutely incredible. I'd never experienced anything like it before. I felt so happy, excited, and comfortable around him. And he felt the same way with me.

But I brought logic into the equation and as a result the relationship came to an end. I'm not sure whether I regret it or not. I think bringing up that conversation was the right thing to do, but I just can't believe I've lost something that was more amazing than I ever could have hoped for or imagined.

I've been with guys for much longer than 4 weeks and never felt so incredible with them. My longest relationship was a year and a half and not once did I feel so amazing as I did in those 4 weeks. Which makes me realise that the amount of time spent it lasts has nothing to do with it. I had it, it was incredibly amazing, and now it's gone. And I feel like absolute ****.

I know it was only 4 weeks. But that's not the point. I was on such a high for four weeks straight, and then bang - it all ended so suddenly. Even though I may have protected myself from much more hurt in the long run, it still sucks really really hard.

Anyone else broken up with someone for logic? What would you have done in my situation?

Dilbert75

Without answering your questions directly - what's for you won't pass you by.

Silverfish

What ages are you both?

In fairness, if someone kept pushing me and telling me we should break up for whatever reason, I'd take them at their word and say 'Yeah you're right, goodbye' which might be what this guy has done.

Have you told him you've had second thoughts?

Faith

I'm really not sure logic had any place there! Sure, anyone is liable to end a relationship at any time - but we can't start relationships by saying "If you think you may want to break up some time in the future, you may as well do it now". My best friend is in her first real relationship - for the past 3 years. Neither she nor her boyfriend have thought about finishing with each other because they may want to play the field. I fear you were actually just trying too hard to protect yourself and planted the idea of playing the field in his mind.

I really don't know what you should you. You could tell him honestly how you feel, and ask him to give it another shot, or you could just wait and hope he comes back to you himself.

LegacyUser

We're both in our early twenties.

I didn't badger him about it. I just had one conversation with him about it on the four-week point and asked him to think about it, which he did.

I just find that the majority of relationships end, especially at this age. And especially when it's your very first relationship.

I've told him that I wish I hadn't brought up the conversation, that I find it hard no being with him, and that I wish we were still together, so he knows how I feel. He's just adamant that I was right that he will probably want to play the field.

He said that most of him didn't want the relationship to end, that he wishes he'd met me at a time when he was ready to be in a relationship, but that I was probably right in what I said about needing/wanting to play the field.

I just feel like crap, that's all. I miss so much everything we had. I just hope I didn't do a stupid thing.

LegacyUser

I really don't know why you brought up that with him.

You say you don't regret it - you should.

What was teh point in it?

Like any relationship you just have to roll with it and what happens happens.

You completely analysed a non-existant situation.

It was only 4 weeks.HAd it gone pon another 4 weeks he could have competely made up his mind that he only wanted to be with you.

You gave him some test and forced him to think about some hypothetical situation that didn't exist at teh time at all when there was absolutely no need to.

It was a bizarre line of questioning by you in my book.

BAsically i feel you didn't give teh relationship to evolve of its own accord.

Teh longer you would have been together the less likely he would have wanted to go and sow his wild oats.
Not everu guy wants to just go away and sow his opats.
Many guys just want to be in a relationship with someone they care for.
HE was one of those guys - until you startd to make him think about other options.

My advice - if you liek him that much go back and ask him to rethink.
Telling him you regret bringing teh whole thing uyp with him in teh first place.

myusernameis

Now i could be completely wrong so please correct me if i am, but do you have low self esteem? It just seems from your post that you never fully believed that this guy really wanted to be with you? Maybe he sensed that you could have been insecure about your possible future together?

But honestly like an earlier poster said that if he's for you he wont pass you.

Get yourself out there again and dust yourself off and get your party shoes on!

Maybe next time keep the heavy conversation talk about how you feel about someone till later on, just incase its scares people.

LegacyUser

I maintain that if he had more relationship experience, I wouldn't have felt the need to bring it up. But because he had no relationship experience, I just felt like maybe he wasn't as aware of how he was going to feel as the relationship went on as I felt I was, because I've been in relationships before.

It was a really tough thing to do, to bring up that conversation. But I felt that I had to in order to protect myself from the pain of a breakup further down the line. I'd never dated someone who had no relationship experience before. This was a new situation for me, and when I thought about it I felt like it was inevitable he'd get the urge to play the field, no matter how much he liked me.

So it wasn't about how much he liked me. It wasn't about my self esteem. The guy was mad about me, I know that. I wasn't concerned about him wanting to be with someone "better." I was concerned about him wanting to experience different things.

How many people stay aged 20-24 actually stick with the person they're seeing for the rest of their lives?

I've been in relationships before, he hadn't. I'm not looking to settle down, but I also don't want to enter into a relationship I feel is destined to end. I think the chances of him eventually getting the urge to play the field were just way too high.

dreamlogic

lampost86 wrote:

We talked about it further for a little while, and then I spent some time thinking about it myself, and concluded that I would trust his judgement and stay in the relationship. I was really happy to do that.

As the week went on, about 6 days after I brought up the conversation, I asked him if he'd thought any more about what I'd said. He said he had, and that he now thinks I'm right.

Well what were you expecting to happen? You can hardly expect him to say after only 4 weeks of going out that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you! You backed him into a corner here.

The other possibility is that he thought you weren't interested in him - maybe you were trying to let him down gently by continuously bringing up this playing the field thing.

I just find that the majority of relationships end, especially at this age. And especially when it's your very first relationship.

So if you follow this logic, what are you going to do - wait till 30 before getting involved with someone?

If you change your mind and want to try again with him, I would say wait a few months and contact him then, telling him you were feeling confused at the time you broke up with him etc.
For now though it's probably best to create some space, take some time to think about what you want, etc.

LegacyUser

uh oh. I think you may have made a mistake OP.

I am mid 20's and been in and out of relationships for years. Broke up sometimes out of logic... went out with girls because I just seemed to drift into it and they seemed nice or what have ya.

Then I met a girl who gives me the prickly nerves on the back of my neck, who makes me tense and excited every time I go to meet her, who makes me feel amazing when I am with her, just by being herself.

NO other girl made me feell that way and it was so alien to me when I discovered it I was like "ah so THAT's the feeling all those songs were sung about and poems were written about and hearts broken over".

Beleive me, you could spend YEARS in meodicre contented relationships and not know any better. When you meet 'the one'... the person who makes you melt, seize the opertunity with both hands.

Is it too late?

mother_rucker

dreamlogic wrote: »

If you change your mind and want to try again with him, I would say wait a few months and contact him then, telling him you were feeling confused at the time you broke up with him etc.
For now though it's probably best to create some space, take some time to think about what you want, etc.

Not at all I'm sure.
Get his roomate or parents to let you into his house and then lie in wait for him on the bed, wearing nothing but a strategically placed rose and a smile.

If that doesn't work then i'm afraid all hope is lost.

LegacyUser

dreamlogic wrote: »

Well what were you expecting to happen? You can hardly expect him to say after only 4 weeks of going out that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you! You backed him into a corner here.

I don't enter relationships with any plan. I enter into them and see where they go. I just felt that the chances of this one ending sooner rather than later were particularly high. I wasn't expecting him to say anything, the very least of all saying he wants to spend the rest of his life with me! I just needed to know that he had actually considered the options.

People, when they're in their first relationships, are often so excited about being in a relationship for the first time that they don't think about the different aspects of being in a relationship. I wasn't going out with a guy who knew what he was doing. He'd never done it before. I wasn't comfortable being in a relationship with someone who'd never done this before.

dreamlogic wrote: »

So if you follow this logic, what are you going to do - wait till 30 before getting involved with someone?

No, I just don't want to get into a relationship with someone who is highly likely to want to be out of it eventually, which I felt he was because - who ends up with the first person they date? That's all I'm saying.

zxcvbnm1

I still can't for teh life of me see where you are coming from on thsi one.

Basically - because he did not have any relationship experience in teh past you decided how you knew how he would feel in teh future about yourreelationship.

YOu say you have teh experience to know how people will feel if it is their first relationship.
That makes no sense.

YEs - some people may feel how you descibe it - and other may not.

You basically decided that there was no way he would feel otherwise.

In a nutshell you were afraid to take a chance.
You said so much yourself when you said you wanted to protect ypourself from a break up further down teh road.

I have to say - i really feel you made a mistake here.
After all - it was only 4 weeks.
You kinda did back him into a corner whereby basically you said to him that if teh relationship goes forward then it must be taken seriously by him
That's all fine further ihto a relationship.
But 4 weeks ??
TRegardless of how comfortable you were around each other you still only knew each other 4 weeks.

You shoudl have just rolled with it and not taken the whole thing so serious afetr such a shorttime.

My own take on it is this:
He genuinely did want to be with you - but you frightened him off by basically giving him an ultimatum.
I suspect at teh beginning he was trying trying to genuinely reassure you - but probably discussed it with his friends what you said and they probably said that you were being way OTT with sich an ultimatum at such an early stage.

Basically you broached this subject WAY too early in teh relationship.
You shoudl have hung on a couple of more months at least i feel before bringing it up.

And besides - you are only in your early twenties. Just how much experience do you need someone to have before you can be secure?
Many many people have never had a relationship by their early twenties.
You just gotta roll with things a bit more without thinking so much.

ManOfMystery

And therein lies the power of subliminal suggestion.

You brought something into his mind which he had obviously not thought about previously - and the relationship ended because of it.

I agree with the posters above - there was really no need to bring it up in the first place; you were analysing something which wasn't there, but by putting it out there for him the situation changed.

In future, it may be best to just let relationships progress naturally without trying to second-guess your partner.

LegacyUser

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

I still can't for teh life of me see where you are coming from on thsi one.

Basically - because he did not have any relationship experience in teh past you decided how you knew how he would feel in teh future about yourreelationship.

YOu say you have teh experience to know how people will feel if it is their first relationship.
That makes no sense.

YEs - some people may feel how you descibe it - and other may not.

You basically decided that there was no way he would feel otherwise.

In a nutshell you were afraid to take a chance.
You said so much yourself when you said you wanted to protect ypourself from a break up further down teh road.

I have to say - i really feel you made a mistake here.
After all - it was only 4 weeks.
You kinda did back him into a corner whereby basically you said to him that if teh relationship goes forward then it must be taken seriously by him
That's all fine further ihto a relationship.
But 4 weeks ??
TRegardless of how comfortable you were around each other you still only knew each other 4 weeks.

You shoudl have just rolled with it and not taken the whole thing so serious afetr such a shorttime.

My own take on it is this:
He genuinely did want to be with you - but you frightened him off by basically giving him an ultimatum.
I suspect at teh beginning he was trying trying to genuinely reassure you - but probably discussed it with his friends what you said and they probably said that you were being way OTT with sich an ultimatum at such an early stage.

Basically you broached this subject WAY too early in teh relationship.
You shoudl have hung on a couple of more months at least i feel before bringing it up.

And besides - you are only in your early twenties. Just how much experience do you need someone to have before you can be secure?
Many many people have never had a relationship by their early twenties.
You just gotta roll with things a bit more without thinking so much.

I agree with a lot of what you have said. I think heartache is just one of the things I've grown to fear too much, and now I'm overprotecting myself. But that's just how I've turned out.

zxcvbnm1

lampost86 wrote: »

I agree with a lot of what you have said. I think heartache is just one of the things I've grown to fear too much, and now I'm overprotecting myself. But that's just how I've turned out.

Ya - it seems you have difficulty in trusting someone.

i am suspecting that you were cheated on in the past and badly burnt as a result.

dreamlogic

lampost86 wrote:

I wasn't going out with a guy who knew what he was doing. He'd never done it before. I wasn't comfortable being in a relationship with someone who'd never done this before.

Maybe you should look for someone older then - someone who is likely to have more experience. I mean attraction is different for everyone. I know that when I was in early 20s myself I wasn't usually attracted to men my own age, they had to be several years older. So I can see where you're coming from with that.

No, I just don't want to get into a relationship with someone who is highly likely to want to be out of it eventually, which I felt he was because - who ends up with the first person they date? That's all I'm saying.

Okay. But I agree here with the earlier poster who mentioned low self esteem. I know you came back and said it's not this, but it does come across - that you think deep down that you're not worth staying with. I don't mean to sound harsh in saying that, it's just how it seems to me from reading what you said and might be something for you to consider...

Another thing. You have to stop looking around at what happens with other couples etc and projecting this onto what is going to happen in your own life. Of course people split up, that happens, but also they might have a great relationship for a few years before they get to that point. Also you do hear of people who later on get back together with their first love and end up getting married etc.
The problem here though is that you didn't give this relationship a chance. Maybe you still can...
But like I said wait a good while before contacting him again. When you do, explain why you broke up with him the way you did etc.

anonymous_joe

Why would you assume someone would want to cheat on you?

I know people who have never and will never cheat on partners, I also know people who are rats and would fcuk a hole in the ground.

The assumption that a lad will want to 'play the field' is grossly flawed. Some will, some won't, you've no proof that someone will or won't.

And speaking from personal experience, you don't get bored of people you really really like or love.

zxcvbnm1

And another point - you mention that who ever ends up with someone they met in their early twenties ?

It looks like you are obviously looking for a husband by teh sounds of that statement given that you are on about "ending up with".
And you kind of communicated as much to him - whcih probably frightened him also.

There is nothing wrong with ending up with someone for a shorter timeframe than marriage.
That's what relationships are about.
You give it a go and let teh relationship come to a natural conclusion through either breaking up or else marriage.

THere is nothing wrong with enjoying someones company for a year or 2 and if it doesn't work out then you move on.
It may not be easy but that is the nature of relationships and i think you have to accept that there is risk in every relationship you enter into.

In thsi instance you seem to think his inexperience is the risk.
But with someone else there will be another risk such as an ex or whatever.

Basically there is no guarantee in any relationship.

You just have to let yourself take on the risk.
WIthout the risk there isn't the reward either so they go hand in hand really i guess.

sweetbubbly

ok Dating Rule 1 - NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER ask a guy you have been with for less than a year, if they think they're gonna be with you forever. (unless you want to get rid of him.....)

Dating Rule 2 - If you don't think you're fabulous enough to keep him......neither will he!

Dating Rule 3 - Don't try and protect yourself, you can't do that with dating, you just have to jump without the parachute and hope for the best.

LegacyUser

sweetbubbly wrote: »

ok Dating Rule 1 - NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER ask a guy you have been with for less than a year, if they think they're gonna be with you forever. (unless you want to get rid of him.....)

Okay it's really not about that. I wasn't asking him if he thinks he's gonna be with me forever. I'm not a psycho. I wanted him to consider that fact that there's a high chance he's going to want to play the field.

Fair enough, in other circumstances it may not have been as valid a question. But when it's somebody's first relationship, I think that urge is far more likely.

And again, it's not about low self-esteem. As I said, he was mad about me.

Thanks for all the replies.

tolteq

It seems to me like u think too much. Just take it easy

Mr. Incognito

For someone who is their early twenties that professes to know a lot about relationships forgive me when I say you are utterly clueless.

4 weeks!!!

ffs, the novelty hasn't even worn off yet. He ran a mile because you were/ are being mental.

Take a chill pill, back off, play it cool. If it's meant to be it will be. Ask him if he wants to go for a drink or the cinema and leave the Dr Phil conversations at home for 6 months a least.

Sheesh.

zxcvbnm1

lampost86 wrote: »

Okay it's really not about that. I wasn't asking him if he thinks he's gonna be with me forever. I'm not a psycho. I wanted him to consider that fact that there's a high chance he's going to want to play the field.

Fair enough, in other circumstances it may not have been as valid a question. But when it's somebody's first relationship, I think that urge is far more likely.

Ok - the crux of your issue is that you think that because it is someones first relationship then there is a high risk he will want to go and sow his wild oats.
This is teh flaw in your logic.

If he was mad about you like you say he was the he would not have been interested in sowing his wild oats.

You convinced yourself there was a high risk this would happen. This was all in your head. It was not at all high risk.
People enter realtionships because they like the person.

Like - we're not all animals whereby we can't control these urges to go and do the dirt.
If he was into you as much as you say he was he wouldn't have had such strong urges in the first place.

I think you have a distorted image in your head of how other people behave.
If he was to have gone off and do the dirt that woiuld have been because there would have been other problems in teh realtionship - not because he simply could not control anilam urges even though he was still crazy about you.
In a nutshell - him being mad about you AND going off and doing teh dirt frequently is a contradiction in terms.
If he was mad abou you then this would not have happened as easy as you seem to think.
(obviously it could have happened - but it is no more a higher risk in that it could happen in any relationship)

And besides - you say he is in his early twenties?
Surely he has a good 4 or 5 years behind him at this stage whereby if he wanted to sow his oats so much he could have done it then.

iguana

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

My own take on it is this:
He genuinely did want to be with you - but you frightened him off by basically giving him an ultimatum.
I suspect at teh beginning he was trying trying to genuinely reassure you - but probably discussed it with his friends what you said and they probably said that you were being way OTT with sich an ultimatum at such an early stage.

I'd imagine this is what happened too. Sorry OP but your actions were actually sort of weird and quite off-putting. I also agree with Mr Incognito, in that your actions were the opposite of what someone who knew their way around a relationship would do. You claim to know exactly what you are looking for in a relationship but your comments here show differently.

lampost86 wrote: »

How many people stay aged 20-24 actually stick with the person they're seeing for the rest of their lives?

A huge amount of people, it's actually about average. The current average age for a woman to get married is 28 and it's common for couples to be together for 4-6 years before marriage. But I don't understand why this is so important to you in the first 4 weeks of a relationship? This is the point where you should just be having fun and getting to know each other, marriage shouldn't really be on your mind.

It sounds to me like you felt yourself falling hard for this guy, freaked out and sabotaged it.

LegacyUser

Okay a lot of people are saying I made things serious too soon. However it's quite the opposite. I wanted to stop things getting serious because I was worried I was going to end up getting hurt, for the simple reason that I could feel myself falling hard for this guy.

I've been in relationships before and I've never acted that way before. I'd never brought up such a conversation before. The only reason it happened this time was because this was a special case, I was falling hard for this guy like I'd never done before. That's the difference.

I can't help that I was falling hard for him. It's not my fault. But I was, and there's nothing I can do to change that fact.

And yeah this did freak me out, and I did get scared. When we get scared we do things to protect ourselves, and that's what I did.

I appreciate all the responses, but a lot of you have replied saying how I broke simple rules of dating, and that there are no rules to dating, and then you've gone and listed your own rules.

Well in my opinion you have to go with what's in your heart. My heart wanted this guy bad and was scared of what would happen if I continued the relationship. I was acting on the basis of my past experiences. And is it not logical to learn from your own personal past experiences?

Maybe none of you have fallen for someone so hard so fast before. It's not what usually happens to me, I don't make a habit of it, it's never happened to me before. But with this person it did happen. If it ever happens to you, then get back to me and let me know how you feel about it.

Thanks for all the responses. Much appreciated.

tbh

I'm going to take a slightly different angle on this and claim that it's a perfectly normal part of relationship evolution - the stuff you have to go through to learn the skills of being in a long term relationship.

The first thing to remember is that as someone else says, what's meant for you won't pass you. It probably stings a lot at the moment, but it won't last forever, and you'll be with other guys. I think probably what happened was that your instincts were telling you that there was something about this guy that meant he couldn't be trusted. You may have been right, you may have been wrong, but it happens. For what it's worth, in my experience, instincts are right 80-90% of the time, in the long run.

Whether you were right or wrong, it wouldn't have just gone away, I think. So, it's one of those things where it just didn't work out. You've told the guy how you feel, so it's in the lap of the Gods now, maybe you'll be lucky. I'd be careful, however, of second guessing yourself too much. You did what you did for a reason - whether you know what that reason is or not - if you get back with him, it may well still be there.

Of course, maybe this is a case of you just freaking out unnecessarily, but if it is, you'll know the next time and I'm pretty sure there will be a next time, so don't worry.


Summary: What's done is done, don't worry about it.

zxcvbnm1

lampost86 wrote: »

Okay a lot of people are saying I made things serious too soon. However it's quite the opposite. I wanted to stop things getting serious because I was worried I was going to end up getting hurt, for the simple reason that I could feel myself falling hard for this guy.

I've been in relationships before and I've never acted that way before. I'd never brought up such a conversation before. The only reason it happened this time was because this was a special case, I was falling hard for this guy like I'd never done before. That's the difference.

I can't help that I was falling hard for him. It's not my fault. But I was, and there's nothing I can do to change that fact.

And yeah this did freak me out, and I did get scared. When we get scared we do things to protect ourselves, and that's what I did.

I appreciate all the responses, but a lot of you have replied saying how I broke simple rules of dating, and that there are no rules to dating, and then you've gone and listed your own rules.

Well in my opinion you have to go with what's in your heart. My heart wanted this guy bad and was scared of what would happen if I continued the relationship. I was acting on the basis of my past experiences. And is it not logical to learn from your own personal past experiences?

Maybe none of you have fallen for someone so hard so fast before. It's not what usually happens to me, I don't make a habit of it, it's never happened to me before. But with this person it did happen. If it ever happens to you, then get back to me and let me know how you feel about it.

Thanks for all the responses. Much appreciated.

Fair enough - I do genuinely see where you are coming from - but i still disagree with you.

Clearly you were afraid of getting hurt - that's fair enough.
But i think you went too far in trying to protect yourself in this instance.

There is risk involved in any relationship. You just have to accept that as part of life.
Personally i think you were far too cautious.

iguana

lampost86 wrote: »

Well in my opinion you have to go with what's in your heart. My heart wanted this guy bad and was scared of what would happen if I continued the relationship. I was acting on the basis of my past experiences. And is it not logical to learn from your own personal past experiences?

But you didn't go with your heart. Your heart wanted to be with the guy but you freaked out, analysed the hell out of things and spoiled things. Now your heart is miserable.

As for learning from experiences, learn from this. Just about everyone here is telling you that what you did was not really ok. You freaked out and then you freaked him out. You're right there are no hard and fast rules, but you applied your own sort of nutso rules to things. You need to learn to go with the flow and stop over-analysing things.

fuzzywiggle

Dilbert75 wrote: »

Without answering your questions directly - what's for you won't pass you by.

Just to begin, i don't believe the above is true. With that said, i think you were absolutely ridiculous to bring up the subject of him ''playing the field''. If you were so amazingly happy and he was happy too, why bother saying something like that to him. I can't get my head around it..it's utter nonsense really. So as you know, you've brought all this on yourself and no one to blame but yourself. Put it down as a life experience.

PK2008

You were playing a head game with the guy and it back-fired spectacularly, nothing you can do but take your medicine

zxcvbnm1

ya - as a side issue i also this "whatever is for you won't pass you by" cliche is utter nonsense.

If you think it through logically who makes this come true?
Presumably it means it is predestioned.
If so then who/what makes it predestined?

What this actually means is that a higher power - such as a God - has a predestined path for you.
And will therefore make sure you end up with the right person.

And if that applies to everybody then we will all have fantastic lives because "it is meant for us"

Surely if some higher power was going to be infterfering on our day to day lives then it would be to solve important issues such as war and hunger as opposed to acting as some matchmaker so people can hook up and go for nice meals together and stuff.


Nonsense.

iguana

zxcvbnm1 +1.

Absolutely. We aren't just passive players in our lives, sitting back and waiting for what's "for us" to come and find us. Like everything else in life relationships take effort. And it's perfectly possible to meet the perfect person for you and to screw it up by doing the wrong thing, which it seems the OP has done in this case.

The good news is that there isn't just one perfect person out there, so learn from this mistake and don't over-analyse the next relationship.

tbh

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

ya - as a side issue i also this "whatever is for you won't pass you by" cliche is utter nonsense.

If you think it through logically who makes this come true?
Presumably it means it is predestioned.
I

not really. To me it means there's a reason for everything. I had my heart broken a few times, thought I'd never love again, blah blah blah, but it turned out I would, and looking back now over the relationships that didn't work, each of them taught me a lesson, or made me work on some aspect of my personality. Even though at the time I would have sworn that the person in question was "the one", in in retrospect, of course, they weren't.

All that means my current relationship - the one that's "for me" - won't "pass me by". The girls that I thought were the "one" weren't, because I didn't stay with them. The girl for me, I did. She didn't pass me by. (yet) Less of the "utter nonsense please", it's not my fault if you don't understand the expression!

MissHoneyBun

Life is a gamble OP but that shouldn't stop you from trying to live it the way you want.

zxcvbnm1

tbh wrote: »

not really. To me it means there's a reason for everything. I had my heart broken a few times, thought I'd never love again, blah blah blah, but it turned out I would, and looking back now over the relationships that didn't work, each of them taught me a lesson, or made me work on some aspect of my personality. Even though at the time I would have sworn that the person in question was "the one", in in retrospect, of course, they weren't.

All that means my current relationship - the one that's "for me" - won't "pass me by". The girls that I thought were the "one" weren't, because I didn't stay with them. The girl for me, I did. She didn't pass me by. (yet) Less of the "utter nonsense please", it's not my fault if you don't understand the expression!

Not really.
I think it you that is mis-understanding the phrase.

WHat you have done is drawn from past experiences to use then to your advantage in the future.

Suggesting "everything happens for a reason" or "If it's meant for you it won't pass you by" is an entirely different thing.
The experiences you drew from however did just happen because of chance on your partners or your part or coincidence.
They weren't pre-destined events designed by some higher power to enable you to learn those lessons.

Normally in my experience these phrases come from religious people.

tolteq

zxcvbnm1 wrote: »

Normally in my experience these phrases come from religious people.

i agree. far too much reading-into situations.

ya-ba-da-ba-doo

You know him four weeks and you started to bring up breaking up to 'play the field'?? Why didnt you just leave it as it was? If its not broke dont fix it! Talk to him
Edit: i agree, you were playing mind-games and tbh thats not a good way to start

G86

I understand why you said it, but I'm just not sure if it was the best idea. You seem pretty cynical, and you have every reason to be since you were hurt before - but you can't judge him based on your previous experiences.

I'm like you, if I really like someone and I think early on that it's not going to work then I jump ship before I get too involved and get hurt, it's a way of protecting yourself. The thing is though that sometimes you just have to take chances and I think if you're willing to do that now then you still have a chance with this guy.

You have two choices; you can forget about it and be guaranteed he won't break your heart, or you can jump in heart first and risk getting hurt...to have a chance at being really happy.

I personally think you should call him, arrange to meet up, explain why you said what you did - and see how it goes. He's a young guy and it's his first relationship so I'd say you just freaked him out a wee bit by getting serious so quickly, its understandable that you wanted to know where you stood but you have to remember he's on a very different wavelength to you experience wise.

Spootie

TBH OP it sounds like you were a bit patronising to your OH. Just because he has less relationship experience than you doesn't give you the right to tell him how he feels/will feel in the future. Every relationship is different. Your past experience will shape your attitude and how you feel, but not his. I know it was not your intention but you may have made him feel self-conscious about his experience.
Hearts get broken, if we try to protect ourselves against it we would never take a chance.
Good luck OP, if you love this guy as much as you say and if he feels the same it wont do any harm to relax, give him a call and start again if he wants.