Dad problem.

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this. was hopin someone will help with this.

Mum and dad split up ages ago. I still see my dad every second weekend (it used to be only Sundays but mum wouldn't stand for that anymore) and that break is a relief from stresses at home, such as exams.

We never had much money at home with mum and scraped by on the little we had. Thats my half brother and sister, my full brother, my mum and I. Dad was never a very good dad and often promised things that he never did.

He then remarried, which was fine until we realised how controllin this doll is. And how easily controlled dad is.

Mums a single parent who can't afford child care so doesn't work.

Now however, dad hasn't been workin for the last number of weeks (but his wife have). He is bring mum to court this week to have the maintenance reduced. He already pays less for me then what my five year old half brother gets. Due to this and if it works in his favor, then I have to give up my only hobby as we can't afford it anymore.

Now I mentioned his wife and her controllingness. I wouldn't be one bit surprised if it was her who told him to get the maintenance reduced. And of course he agreed, although they already have two cars, gets on holidays every year and, other than every second weekend, it's only the two of them. His wife also own a steady business of hairdressing of her own.

My mum is in a far worse condition, with no job and five of us. Like i said, bearly getting by with what we have.

Now, my problem is, I feel betrayed. How could my dad do this, knowing he is in a better financal position than us, and let his wife propably tell him to do this? I'm so angry. I don't know if I want to see him again even with the release of the stress getting away does.

What should I do? Should I keep going to his house and pretend nothing happened? Or should I stop and let him know how hes going too far? Another problem is that his wife is terrible for spreading rumours, and has done about mum plenty of times. I don't want this to happen to me too. And it will if I stop going.


I'm sorry it took so long. I thought yas might like to know the background behind the story first.
Thanks.

Whynotme

While I feel sympathy for your mum, realistically if your dad has no work, he obviously cannot maintain you to the same level as previously. Unfortunately his wife is not responsible for paying maintenance on his behalf.

Also, remember that the lifestyle they are used to has also had to change, if his income is gone he is relying on his wifes income but will more than likely still have the same outgoings. He may well have 2 cars now, but will he in 6 months? Will he have the same holidays? No-one knows how long they will be unemployed so maybe view it as him being sensible and organising a new agreed amount before he falls into arrears. At least your mum will then know what she can rely on.

It is not just separated people that are going through this. It is across the board.

More importantly, please do not take this move by your dad personally, he is only doing what he has to to survive.

LegacyUser

Yet we are far worse. Have been for a long time and our situation will only get worse too without this. It is a very little amount of maintenance. Its only paid because the court made him and that was before the resession and he has made no other cut backs. Just us.
He might not go on holiday this year but i havent went in over two years and that holiday was paid for us.

metrovelvet

I think you'll just have to suck it up. Yeah she may be pulling the strings but ultimately it is his choice for letting her, so hold him responsible for not providing for his kids.

Yes I think you should tell him that you cant do your hobby anymore and see what he says. In fact you could spend more and more time there and then he might pay up if you start eating his food, running up his electricity bill, adn irritating his wife.

Im sure people would tell you this is bad advice, but its just one of the many strategies of a child of divorce.

Max Power1

Whynotme wrote: »

While I feel sympathy for your mum, realistically if your dad has no work, he obviously cannot maintain you to the same level as previously. Unfortunately his wife is not responsible for paying maintenance on his behalf.

.

Legally it is your fathers income which determines maintenance payments, his current partner is not related to you so can hardly be expected to pay maintenance to you. Like the above post mentions, i sympathise with your situation OP, but unfortunately there isnt much that can be done im afraid.

jimmycrackcorm

OP, how would you feel if your dad was on his own instead and had no work - would cutting back on maintenance make sense then? Perhaps you just resent his new wife and expect her to contribute maintenance to your mum?

LegacyUser

His wife, she spread rumours about the town about my mother, and sometimes me. But thats of topic.

Im not upset about him cutting back. Just that it's only the maintanence, his own children that hes doing it to.

Should I keep going out ta his house, despite the fact im annoyed about it? Or lose most contact with him to show him he has gone too far this time?

994

metrovelvet wrote: »

I think you'll just have to suck it up. Yeah she may be pulling the strings but ultimately it is his choice for letting her, so hold him responsible for not providing for his kids.

I think it's a dangerous assumption to think a man always has power. You'd be far less likely to say "Yeah he may be pulling the strings but ultimately it is her choice for letting him, so hold her responsible for not providing for her kids."

Meller

Whynotme wrote: »

More importantly, please do not take this move by your dad personally, he is only doing what he has to to survive.

l disagree, a good father would put his children's needs before his own

Kimbot

OP, I was in a similar boat to you growing up. My mam and dad seperated and there were 5 children involved.

My dad saw us for a few hours each week and helped out a bit too when it came to money but he was by no means loaded or anything and my mam done her best to give us what we wanted. Once your mam has the roof over her head and is able to get some clothing and food on the table then that is all that matters.

I am a single father now and for the last 2 years I have gone on holiday, Paid by my O/H and her family because they know I am not loaded so it was a birthday presant. This could be the same for your dad, his wife could be paying for the holiday etc. You never know whats happening behind the scenes.

If I were you I wouldn't stick my nose into this situation as its between your mam and dad. He is your dad so don't just break contact with him over this as there are always 2 sides to every story.

Has your mam gone to Social welfare for help? Also maybe she should look into Seperated parents associations around the area (There are plenty) and they try to help out aswell. If you need more advice on what you mam can do drop me a PM no probem and I will try help as best I can.

Kimbot

Meller wrote: »

l disagree, a good father would put his children's needs before his own

Not being smart but if his father is looking for a reduction it does not mean the judge is going to grant it. Even if the judge does grant it the father will have to prove he is loosing out on money due to difficulties etc. My son's needs will always be put before my own but if there no way I can afford to do that then I would look for a reduction on maintenace too.

LegacyUser

That is quite tough.I know you are young but Im going to do my best to treat you like an adult.

The whole non custodial Dad thing is not all its cracked up to be (and thats as a Dad) and I imagine its still a bit raw with the access bit as your visits to your father changed. Thats got to have caused friction so there is a bit of bad feeling.

You are only getting one side of the story -but also your Dad has built a new life and the costs of having accomadation/heating/lighting etc for two kids is the same whether they are in the house 2 nights or 31 nights a month.So his wife has included you in. She may be controlling but I used to get upset when I didnt see my kids to.Your Dads wife will be biased towards your Dad and there is no doubt about that.

The penalties for non payment of maintenance if you cant negotiate a settlement can mean prison. You can also have situations that the Dept of Social Welfare can be aggressive to claimants (both your mum and dad) so the decision to apply to the court for a review may not be entirely voluntary one by him or a decision of his wife.That does happen- so your Dad may have no option.

What can you do - well the first thing is not to listen to one moan about the other. My son is 18 now and thats behind us but sometimes kids (and I have a 15 year old daughter too) can be used to communicate between parents. So dont get dragged in.That the reduction in maintenance are explained as your hobby has to go is unfair on you.

Talk to your Dad - sometimes I have spare dosh and spoil my kids. Its mine from savings I make. Im sure he will hate to see you do without.It may be something that comes from him and his wife but thats not part of regular maintenance but between you and him -not unlike pocketmoney.


I dont know if you have anyone you can talk to about the hobby stuff or how much it costs. Do you attend a Youth Club or whatever because sometimes there are local organisations such as the Vincent de Paul who will pay for stuff where there is a need and a youth worker can make such a call for you.

The summer holidays are also here and if you want to spend time with either for special events or to get away from exam siblings or spend more time with your Dad you should say it now. Its not going to make things worse as the are arguing already.

Carsinian Thau

Unregistered wrote: »

Im not upset about him cutting back. Just that it's only the maintanence, his own children that hes doing it to.

But he can't afford it. He (like so many others) has lost his job and you need to realise that he is not as well off as he once was. He has to do this to give him a better chance of not being swallowed up by the financial crisis.

The money that his wife brings home is just that. Her money. She has nothing to do with you or your siblings and shouldn't be expected to contribute. That may be tough. But it's still true.

LegacyUser

As it turns out he lied on his income and expenditure account for court so I've decided enough is enough.