Losing my friend???

LegacyUser

Ok basically heres the story, im 23 and so is my friend. Met in school been v close ever since. Her bf and my bf work together we are both with our partners over 5 years. My mans 27 and hers is 25.

My friends pregnant, due in August. Now TBH i think they were stupid and selfish trying for a baby because they have no savings, there jobs are not secure ATM and are renting, but i kept that to myself.

All she talks about is baby baby baby. Now im not a big baby person, i like them, but they are not in my plans right now and wont be for a while. So i cant go shopping and go goo goo gaa gaa over a pair of baby shoes- Its just not me.

Another friend of ours Jane is baby CRAZY and she was asked to be godmother- i was told that i wasnt considered godmother cos im not a baby person(apparantly my overies not bursting at the sight of a baby means i dont like/want kids) So shes doing the godmother thing buying loads of stuff for the baby, going shopping with her etc. Fair enough

But i think this baby is signaling the end of our friendship. Its been coming for a while now.

Example... id pop over once a week to see her , have a cuppa, chat ETC. but the last month she says shes tired and just wants to sleep- fair enough, but then i find out(her fella told my fella) that the nights she said she was too tired Jane came over and they sat and talked baby most of the night

I put away a highchair for her a few weeks ago- she was delighted, kept thanking me. Then texts me yesterday saying "Jane just arrived with a highchair for the baby so we dont need yours" I mean WTF!!! She said she didnt want to be rude and tell Jane i had one put away for her.

Then i found out last weekend she had a BBQ and invited everyone- except me and my partner.I mean seriously what the hell is going on. I tried to bring it up with her and her fella text me saying i was "upsetting her" and to "stop trying to start a fight"

I dont know what to think:(

useful_contacts

fff wrote: »

My friends pregnant, due in August. Now TBH i think they were stupid and selfish trying for a baby because they have no savings, there jobs are not secure ATM and are renting, but i kept that to myself.

Your right thats very selfish

fff wrote: »

Another friend of ours Jane is baby CRAZY and she was asked to be godmother- i was told that i wasnt considered godmother cos im not a baby person(apparantly my overies not bursting at the sight of a baby means i dont like/want kids)

Thats a stupid reason seriously

fff wrote: »

Example... id pop over once a week to see her , have a cuppa, chat ETC. but the last month she says shes tired and just wants to sleep- fair enough, but then i find out(her fella told my fella) that the nights she said she was too tired Jane came over and they sat and talked baby most of the night

I put away a highchair for her a few weeks ago- she was delighted, kept thanking me. Then texts me yesterday saying "Jane just arrived with a highchair for the baby so we dont need yours" I mean WTF!!! She said she didnt want to be rude and tell Jane i had one put away for her.

Then i found out last weekend she had a BBQ and invited everyone- except me and my partner.I mean seriously what the hell is going on. I tried to bring it up with her and her fella text me saying i was "upsetting her" and to "stop trying to start a fight"

sorry hun but it sound like your being frozen out. Now that the baby is due they see you as a "non baby person" and in their eyes they dont need you

I know a load of people who have done this when they got pregnant. Its just that her lifes changing and if your not going to change with her then she will let you go.

Oh The Humanity

That wasn't very nice of her OP.

Sometimes first time parents do go a bit baby obsessed and it can become a clique or club where 'others' feel excluded.

I would take a step back from her if I was you, I know its hurtful and the remark about you starting a fight seems to have been out of order.

Is it possible though she feels judged by you. As you said at the start of your post you hold an opinion on their decision to go ahead and have a baby despite their financial circumstances......I know you said you kept this to yourself but we all 'leak' the truth in our attitudes unconsciously.

She may sense some form of dissapproval from you, maybe you are asking her sensitive questions about her plans/financial state etc and she finds this tiring or doesn't want to think about it.

To be honest, often in life there is never going to be an exact perfect moment to start a family and people just have to go ahead sometimes and work it out as they go.

She may not have expressed herself very well, she didn't but she probably senses that you are bored and disinterested in the whole baby thing and feels she would rather avoid that. Not very nice I know.

Maybe if you give her some breathing space for the moment, stay polite but distant for the time being in the light of the comment about you supposedly starting a fight.

When the baby is past 6 months the Mother might start looking for the old friends she cast off before. See how the land lies then, if she is receptive tell her the comment hurt and the rebuff of the high chair and the party snub.

But only maybe much later when she is responsive, she may come back and say you did/said something to offend her....so be readdy for that.

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Is it possible though she feels judged by you. As you said at the start of your post you hold an opinion on their decision to go ahead and have a baby despite their financial circumstances......I know you said you kept this to yourself but we all 'leak' the truth in our attitudes unconsciously..

I didnt mention anything at all- when she told me i hugged her and told her how great it was. I know shes no savings as 2 weeks before she found out she was preg she said "Oh i wish i could be sensible with money like you- we have no savings at all"

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

She may not have expressed herself very well, she didn't but she probably senses that you are bored and disinterested in the whole baby thing and feels she would rather avoid that. Not very nice I know.

The thing is im not bored or disinterested, when she had her 1st scan i got a bus over to her place to see the pic, when her fella got stuck in major traffic and couldnt make another scan i offered to go with her(But she said no- and brought Jane).

I went shopping with her and looked at buggys- i did it all. Its only because i didnt go "aw " at baby shoes, and cots and buggys, and because i dont have my baby names picked out NOW thats why she thinks like this.

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useful_contacts

fff wrote: »

The thing is im not bored or disinterested, when she had her 1st scan i got a bus over to her place to see the pic, when her fella got stuck in major traffic and couldnt make another scan i offered to go with her(But she said no- and brought Jane).

I went shopping with her and looked at buggys- i did it all. Its only because i didnt go "aw " at baby shoes, and cots and buggys, and because i dont have my baby names picked out NOW thats why she thinks like this.

TBH after reading that it sounds like she was just after an excuse to end your friendship, and her other friend being more into babys than you seems to be it

Oh The Humanity

fff wrote: »

I didnt mention anything at all- when she told me i hugged her and told her how great it was. I know shes no savings as 2 weeks before she found out she was preg she said "Oh i wish i could be sensible with money like you- we have no savings at all"




The thing is im not bored or disinterested, when she had her 1st scan i got a bus over to her place to see the pic, when her fella got stuck in major traffic and couldnt make another scan i offered to go with her(But she said no- and brought Jane).

I went shopping with her and looked at buggys- i did it all. Its only because i didnt go "aw " at baby shoes, and cots and buggys, and because i dont have my baby names picked out NOW thats why she thinks like this.

Thats bad then OP, it really is her loss. It does sound like she is looking for an excuse, she will regret that later you know.

All you can do is tell yourself you tried to be a good friend but she froze you out.

Its sad, it really is.

LegacyUser

oh OP I feel your pain. My best mate (for the last 15/20 years!) recently had her 1st baby and I feel like I've been completely dumped for her other friends that have also recently had kids. Now I can talk baby very very well...without going into the details I practically raised my neice when she was born and had school etc to deal with it at the time so I understand the tiredness, the bottles, the crying, no sleep AND all the other amazing, great things that come with it. But everything is baby baby baby and I completely understand that the 1st sprog is a HUGE thing but does it have to take over every single conversation?? for the ENTIRE conversation?? Isn't that a bit selfish? conversation, friendship etc - it's supposed to be a two way street right?

I found that I couldn't even mention that I was feeling a bit tired without getting the 'oh wait til you've been up 5 times during the night and haven't slept properly for a month' - ok I get it's tiring but wasn't it your choice to have this child? and mothers don't have the monopoly on being tired! I called over recently, the phone rang (one of the new mummy mates) and she stayed on the phone for an hour talking to her - while I was sitting in the next room. Like I have nothing better to do !! I eventually got up and left, giving her a wave as I walked by.

However - I have never once complained that she constantly talked baby, I never looked bored, I asked loads of questions, was as helpful as humanely possible when the little one was born but still, I have been completely shut out. The fact is, however much it hurts - and it's a hummmmmdinger cause this is the person thats been your best mate for years! - she's lost to motherhood. And cause you haven't had a baby you'll get the classic 'oh but you're not a mother so you wouldn't understand' comment/look. Nothing more annoying in my book so save yourself the stress and don't get yourself in a knot about it.

So my advice to you is sit back and wait. There'll come a time when she needs you again and it will be your choice to let her back in your life or not.

I've seen posts like this a few times on boards.... I know mums-to-be have a lot going on but please try not to ostracise your friends that don't have kids - sure we're ideal for babysitting duties and you'll eventually need us again when said child grows up and you want to start living a bit again (going out etc) and we might not be so forthcoming with the friendship when we were dumped 5 years ago!!!!! some people say 'oh but your priorities are different when you have a child and you don't have time for friends' - I find this so ridiculous .... when will you ever need your friends more than this time in your life?

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

oh OP I feel your pain. My best mate (for the last 15/20 years!) recently had her 1st baby and I feel like I've been completely dumped for her other friends that have also recently had kids. Now I can talk baby very very well...without going into the details I practically raised my neice when she was born and had school etc to deal with it at the time so I understand the tiredness, the bottles, the crying, no sleep AND all the other amazing, great things that come with it. But everything is baby baby baby and I completely understand that the 1st sprog is a HUGE thing but does it have to take over every single conversation?? for the ENTIRE conversation?? Isn't that a bit selfish? conversation, friendship etc - it's supposed to be a two way street right?

I found that I couldn't even mention that I was feeling a bit tired without getting the 'oh wait til you've been up 5 times during the night and haven't slept properly for a month' - ok I get it's tiring but wasn't it your choice to have this child? and mothers don't have the monopoly on being tired! I called over recently, the phone rang (one of the new mummy mates) and she stayed on the phone for an hour talking to her - while I was sitting in the next room. Like I have nothing better to do !! I eventually got up and left, giving her a wave as I walked by.

However - I have never once complained that she constantly talked baby, I never looked bored, I asked loads of questions, was as helpful as humanely possible when the little one was born but still, I have been completely shut out. The fact is, however much it hurts - and it's a hummmmmdinger cause this is the person thats been your best mate for years! - she's lost to motherhood. And cause you haven't had a baby you'll get the classic 'oh but you're not a mother so you wouldn't understand' comment/look. Nothing more annoying in my book so save yourself the stress and don't get yourself in a knot about it.

So my advice to you is sit back and wait. There'll come a time when she needs you again and it will be your choice to let her back in your life or not.

I've seen posts like this a few times on boards.... I know mums-to-be have a lot going on but please try not to ostracise your friends that don't have kids - sure we're ideal for babysitting duties and you'll eventually need us again when said child grows up and you want to start living a bit again (going out etc) and we might not be so forthcoming with the friendship when we were dumped 5 years ago!!!!! some people say 'oh but your priorities are different when you have a child and you don't have time for friends' - I find this so ridiculous .... when will you ever need your friends more than this time in your life?

Hi

thanks for the input, seems like no one i know understands what im going through- im the only one she is doing it to.

my heads honestly wreaked with it, ive been with my partner the same amount of time as her- and when she got preg she was all "oh ye are next" - why cos you are 23 and feel you have lived enough life to settle down? Fair enough but stop deciding my life(didnt say that of course)

Got a kitten 2 weeks ago- and she goes" oh we have a baby and you have a kitten- we are obviously way ahead of ye" AAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH. I dont want a bloody child at 23 i am too young WHY IS EVERYTHING BLOODY BABYS!

Sorry, but its annoying- i mentioned on the phone a few days ago that the cat fell asleep at the end of our bed and i got back "Oh its dangerous to sleep in bed with a baby you could squash it. I said (in an angry tone) "Ah HELLO i didnt mention anything about a bloody baby im talking about my cat" , and she goes "ya but ya know what i mean.

Kimia

Oh my god she sounds like an a&&.

Making a huge leap here, what it sounds like to me is:

* She is jealous of your relationship and had a baby as a bandaid

* You are obviously much more mature than she is as you are not rushing into having a baby and want to be financially secure before hand

* She is belittling (sp?) you and putting you down slyly to make herself feel better about her own situation.

Have it out with her? If she's a very good friend then tell her she's wrecking your head with this baby stuff and that you're the same person you always were and if she doesn't like it well then why doesn't she tell you that you've grown apart and you can both move on, without her underhandly making you feel like crap.

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

Making a huge leap here, what it sounds like to me is:

* She is jealous of your relationship and had a baby as a bandaid.

Tbh i doubt thats it, she seems v happy with her guy. They did have a HUGE row about 6 months before she got preg and nearly broke up- but thats the first time ive seen them fight that bad. Compared to me and my partner who have broken up about 20 times(all in the 1st 2 years- i was v bad tempered bk then)

Kimia wrote: »

* You are obviously much more mature than she is as you are not rushing into having a baby and want to be financially secure before hand.

TBH i dont think its maturity. I just dont want a baby right now, my sister had her 1st child at 22 and i dont want that for myself. We both said we would like to have a house before we have a child. And id like to be married before hand too. I know it prob wont work out that way and accidents do happen but i would never PLAN a baby at this stage of my life. Its not what i want at the moment.But shes always wanted kids- even as a teen it was "when i have a baby..."

Kimia wrote: »

* * She is belittling (sp?) you and putting you down slyly to make herself feel better about her own situation.

I dont know why she would need to feel better- she planned this- she wants this.

Kimia wrote: »

Have it out with her? If she's a very good friend then tell her she's wrecking your head with this baby stuff and that you're the same person you always were and if she doesn't like it well then why doesn't she tell you that you've grown apart and you can both move on, without her underhandly making you feel like crap.

I have tried to discuss it and all ive gotten is "Im pregnant and i dont need this right now" and "Stop trying to start a fight"

Oh The Humanity

Got a kitten 2 weeks ago- and she goes" oh we have a baby and you have a kitten- we are obviously way ahead of ye"

Oh right, so she thinks a baby is something you have to keep up with the Joneses, dear oh dear, she is in for a rude awakening.

Kimia

fff wrote: »

I have tried to discuss it and all ive gotten is "Im pregnant and i dont need this right now" and "Stop trying to start a fight"

Oh god how annoying. There's nothing much you can do then I'm afraid. Step back and hang around with your other friends.

That really p*sses me off. What, your feelings don't count because she's pregnant. That gives pregnant women a bad name tbh - what, you're SO busy being pregnant that you don't have 5 minutes to sit down with your friend and explain your sh*tty behaviour to her. Or even have the balls to tell her you've grown apart.

Reminds me of an old thread where some dude hated pregnant women. i'm a girl and I want babies eventually but I SWEAR i will never be one of those pregnant women. And I know people will gasp but they are B*TCHES!

Slow Motion

Sorry OP but your friend sounds like no friend to me! She sounds selfish and self obsessed, I think you should do yourself a favour and move on. I know it's hard to lose a friend but sometimes it can't be avoided. I suspect her behaviour will only get worse after the rugrat arrives, why should you have to put up with it? TBH if my mates had a BBQ and didn't invite me and lied about not wanting to see me I would drop them in a heartbeat!

iguana

Sorry OP, but you sound incredibly judgmental and tbh, if your friend has even the slightest idea about how you are thinking about her I'm not surprised that she doesn't need you around right now. You think she is selfish for choosing to start the family she has always wanted while she is in a 5 year old relationship and at her physical prime? I honestly don't know where you get off on judging her like that. Yet your nose is out of joint because you haven't been asked to be the godmother of the child you think she is "stupid and selfish" for having.

Just because you haven't said the words to her doesn't mean that your judgmental attitude hasn't come across.

LegacyUser

iguana wrote: »

You think she is selfish for choosing to start the family she has always wanted while she is in a 5 year old relationship and at her physical prime? I honestly don't know where you get off on judging her like that. Yet your nose is out of joint because you haven't been asked to be the godmother of the child you think she is "stupid and selfish" for having.

where in my post (point it out) did i say i was pissed off i wasnt asked to be godmother??Nowhere because i didnt say it. I mentioned the godmother thing because it states she thinks im not a baby person which is important to the story

Her prime? we are in a recession, she is renting and has no savings at all. They live from paycheque to paycheque as it is, bringing a child into that is selfish plain and simple!!!

Kimia

Whoa Iguana steady on that's a bit harsh!

I think that the friend has actually been incredibly selfish and horrible to her friend. Just because she's having a baby doesn't mean she's above reproach and is exempt from treating people with a little bit of respect and kindness, even if she doesn't want to be friends with her anymore.

And she sounds incredibly immature. Inviting everyone else to a bbq but leaving the OP out? That's childish and cruel and humiliating for the OP who is supposed to be friends with this woman.

She thinks she is selfish because they are not financially secure and will perhaps have to depend on parents/state for money to support this child.

LegacyUser

iguana wrote: »

You think she is selfish for choosing to start the family she has always wanted while she is in a 5 year old relationship and at her physical prime? I honestly don't know where you get off on judging her like that.

Her prime? we are in a recession, she is renting and has no savings at all. They live from paycheque to paycheque as it is, bringing a child into that is selfish plain and simple!!!

iguana wrote: »

Yet your nose is out of joint because you haven't been asked to be the godmother of the child you think she is "stupid and selfish" for having.

where in my post (point it out) did i say i was pissed off i wasnt asked to be godmother??Nowhere because i didnt say it.

I mentioned the godmother thing because it states she thinks im not a baby person which is important to the story

iguana

fff wrote: »

Her prime? we are in a recession, she is renting and has no savings at all. They live from paycheque to paycheque as it is, bringing a child into that is selfish plain and simple!!!

Her physical prime, the older we leave it to have babies, the more at risk we put ourselves an the baby. There are negatives and positives to waiting to have a baby until we are older. It is perfectly acceptable for her to choose to have a baby now. How dare you be so judgmental to someone you claim to be a friend to. Seriously, get off your high horse and start being a friend, because from the attitude you have displayed here you are not being a friend. If you are losing your friend and it bothers you then cop onto yourself and lose your attitude. Otherwise accept that your actions are at least partly responsible for this rift.

Kimia wrote: »

Whoa Iguana steady on that's a bit harsh!..........................................................
...................She thinks she is selfish because they are not financially secure and will perhaps have to depend on parents/state for money to support this child.

This from the person who assumed the OP's friend is jealous of the OP's relationship based on absolutely nothing? And no, the OP's friend is most certainly not selfish for choosing to have a baby now. What about all the people who are in serious negative equity on their houses, should they not have a baby? There are very few people in the country, or the world for that matter, who's job is secure. So perhaps nobody should have a baby right now? And when we are old we can work til we die as there will be no young adults working behind us to provide our pensions and our services.

The OP's friend is in a serious long-term relationship and she and her partner have chosen to have a baby. Nobody should judge them for that, nobody. It may not be the decision that you, the OP or I would make, but that doesn't mean she has done anything wrong.

Oh The Humanity

I do agree that there is no perfect or ideal time to have a child. Its a very personal choice really. Everyone does it their own way.

Some people think they have to be married with the future kids college fee's in the bank others go with a more 'suck it and see' type attitude.

Its an individual choice.

I am really in a dilemma here because I can see both sides.

I've been the disgruntled friend who has lost everyone to baby brain.

But I've also been judged unfairly at times and its not a nice feeling either.

I think your friend does possibly feel judged or disapproved on on some level, even though you have tried hard not to. She has maybe over-reacted to it though by blanking you.

And some of her comments were very dismissive and the party incident was plain mean.

I would just say to you, put away the judgements for the moment, life does not always work out neatly, the further you go on, the more you realise life is what happens when you are busy making plans.

Things cant always go to plan and maybe they shouldn't always.

Although its not how you would choose to bring a child into the world, it is her choice, alright maybe she is impatient and naive and showing off a bit that she 'got in first' (some people think its all a big competition) but let the baby have her bottle and maybe let it roll of ya for now.

Leave it go and remain civil, with a bit of give and take maybe ye can get the friendship back sometime in the future. Maybe not though....

Wotzit

I think the OP has pointed out a number of times that it's the friends attitude and actions towards her since she become pregnant (ie suddenly becoming so close to the other friend that co-incidently is a baby person, not inviting her to BBQ, snubbing her over the scan) is the problem here - not the fact that she's having a baby.

IMO the baby mad friend that thinks every conversation should revolve around her should give it a rest and remind herself that there are other things going on in this world ! or she'll soon find she has no friends to count on when times get tough .... and they're about to get very tough !!!!

Kimia

Iguana you are not reading my posts correctly. I acknowledged that I was making a huge leap and said it to see if it would help. You're not helping and your post is actually very judgemental itself.

The OP is upset because her friend seems to be ignoring her, treating her like an outcast, treating her like she's not important because she's not pregnant (remember the quote when the OP got a kitten ffs)

I tried to help the OP. If the pregnant woman came on and said that her friend was being a b*tch because she didn't understand how happy she was about being pregnant I'd help her. We only EVER hear one side of the story and that's all I commented on.

iguana

Kimia wrote: »

Iguana you are not reading my posts correctly. I acknowledged that I was making a huge leap and said it to see if it would help. You're not helping and your post is actually very judgemental itself.

The OP is upset because her friend seems to be ignoring her, treating her like an outcast, treating her like she's not important because she's not pregnant (remember the quote when the OP got a kitten ffs)

The OP is being so judgmental of her friend that the odds of her friend not picking up on it are very slim. And if her friend has picked up on even a fraction of the judgment the OP has shown on here then it isn't surprising that her friend is cutting her out. I sure as hell wouldn't want someone who is judging me like that to be around me, especially if I was pregnant and that was why they were judging me.

It's not helpful to the OP's friendship if everyone just says, "poor you, your friend is a total cow." Without looking at the fact that part the problem is possibly the OP's attitude toward her friend's choices.

Actually think about what the OP's comments mean. Her friend is pregnant with a baby she has always wanted. She most likely had this huge bond to the baby from the moment the pregnancy was possible, which grew when she knew for sure and increased when she had the scan. It's her baby, she's a mother now, she loves the baby. She is excited and scared and worried about what's to come. And then she has one of her closest friend's thinking she is stupid and selfish for creating this creature she already loves so much. Why would she want someone like that around her? And unless the OP is a world class actress her friend knows how she is feeling.

The OP needs to consider this, because if she wants to fix this friendship she needs to understand that her reaction has very likely been a problem here.

beth-lou

I'm thinking your friend picked up very early on how you felt about her decision to start a family, and as a result has pulled back from you as she feels like she is boring you. And from what you have posted, she's probably right.

You are just as guilty as she is for the downfall of your friendship from what you have posted. So what if she has no savings? So what if she's renting?
They obviously love each other and this is what they want. What you want is up to you, and when you decide to have children, I am sure you will be gloriously happy and will hope that your friends will be equally happy for you.
Not sneering down their nose because they don't think that you are in the right position financially or otherwise to make that decision.

I know you say that you have been supportive, but your post screams of your disgust at their decision. Yes you were there for the scan, but perhaps little questions or comments from you have given her indications that you are not entirely happy about her situation.

I am on my third pregnancy. I have lost some friends along the way, but kept most. I've never been a big baby talker, I don't like to "bore" people like yourself with my everyday life. Thing is though, when you have young kids most of what you do is around them and as such most of your conversations revolve around such things. If someone shows obvious signs of boredom when you talk about these things, which when you are a mother are a very big part of who you are, you do tend to pull back. The ones who don't judge you for the changes that come with that, are generally the ones you keep as friends. Although the ones who find it all too much and don't like the way their friends pregnancy impacts on their life, eventually end up in the same situation and are then on the phone looking for advice and you can't shut them up. The first few in a group to have kids generally gravitate towards other Mothers because they have a very big thing in common.

Why don't you talk to your friend and tell her that you're hurt by her not including you in the bbq etc. But do also look at your own behaviour. Are you sure you gave no indications of your true feelings? If you were my friend and you gave off the vibes you're giving in this thread about my situation, I'd pull back too.

EastWallGirl

The OP

1) Took the bus to see her first scan and offered to take her for the second scan.

2) Had put a high chair on deposit.


To say she has been completley unsopportive is not true. The OH and I know far too much about pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding after his brother and his wife got in the family way and we love the kid.

OP you probably did throw your eyes too heaven once too often, if you are anything like me and the OH the whole physical side of it can be gross and and frankly TMI.

For me the high chair is very upsetting. All I can suggest is ask her what else does she need and you will look after it and if you think back and it is perhaps thee physical aspect of it, just be honest and tell her you are feeling queazy and if she keeps going she will scare you off for life.

But then some people see the whole baby thing as carte blanche to act as though they are giving birth to the Mesiah and doing the most important thing in the world, instead of something that happens all around the world.

As Bill Hicks said 'Another little miracle'

LegacyUser

OP it does seem like your friend has been insensitive towards you and hurt your feelings.
Many years ago I was pregnant with my first baby at 23 too. We were happy and excited but at the same time very very nervous about what we were facing.
No matter how planned the baby is your friend has a huge change to face into. Yes she should've handled things in a kinder fashion, but she is very young and this whole pregnancy thing maybe totally eclipsing everything else...maybe she is just not able to deal with the dynamics of your friendship right now.
20 years ago I did something similar to my friend, but now we laugh about it...I was foolish and nearly lost a really good friend. When she had her first baby she forgave me for it..I explained how stressed I was facing the birth of a very much-wanted baby at 23.
TBH once the baby was born I hardly had time to brush my teeth let alone spend much time with friends.
Your friend is moving out of the world you are in..sounds harsh but the Mammy World and the Happily-BabyFree world mix like oil and water. She knows that you are moving into different worlds and maybe she is backing out in preparation for this....a totally natural reaction but very hurtful to you.

Faith

fff wrote: »

My friends pregnant, due in August. Now TBH i think they were stupid and selfish trying for a baby because they have no savings, there jobs are not secure ATM and are renting, but i kept that to myself.

Are you sure? Stop being so judgemental in any case.

All she talks about is baby baby baby. Now im not a big baby person, i like them, but they are not in my plans right now and wont be for a while. So i cant go shopping and go goo goo gaa gaa over a pair of baby shoes- Its just not me.

Right, so I'm sure you've made it very clear you have no interest in joining her in doing exciting mum-to-be stuff. She'll be under no illusions that you're bored by that stuff, so why would she want to include you in any further baby-related things.

Another friend of ours Jane is baby CRAZY and she was asked to be godmother- i was told that i wasnt considered godmother cos im not a baby person(apparantly my overies not bursting at the sight of a baby means i dont like/want kids)

This clarifies my last point, that you've made it very clear to your friend that you have no interest in being there for her and her baby.

Example... id pop over once a week to see her , have a cuppa, chat ETC. but the last month she says shes tired and just wants to sleep- fair enough, but then i find out(her fella told my fella) that the nights she said she was too tired Jane came over and they sat and talked baby most of the night

This sounds like you being selfish to me. I imagine any time she tries to talk about the baby, you change the subject? Seeing as you've described yourself as "not a big baby person". I'm not judging you for that, I've no interest in babies either, but if my best friend were pregnant, I'm damn sure entertain a high level of conversation about it. She obviously gets this with Jane.

I put away a highchair for her a few weeks ago- she was delighted, kept thanking me. Then texts me yesterday saying "Jane just arrived with a highchair for the baby so we dont need yours" I mean WTF!!! She said she didnt want to be rude and tell Jane i had one put away for her.

I'd see this as her lashing out in return of your negative attitude. Perhaps she's completely sick of you not supporting her pregnancy, and feels she doesn't want to accept any gifts that may put her in your debt?

Then i found out last weekend she had a BBQ and invited everyone- except me and my partner.I mean seriously what the hell is going on. I tried to bring it up with her and her fella text me saying i was "upsetting her" and to "stop trying to start a fight"

I dont know what to think:(

You have it there, clear as day: Your negative attitude towards her baby, and disapproval of her pregnancy, has obviously been made very clear to her, whether you meant to or not. While you may think you're keeping things to yourself, you're obviously letting your feelings come through a lot more than you realise.

Overall, I agree with iguana and beth-lou. You both have your parts to play in the damage caused to this friendship. If you cannot support her as she needs you to, why should she want to remain friends with you? You have two choices: Suck it up, apologise to her for being so unsupportive and get over yourself and indulge your friend in baby talk and baby shopping etc, or let the friendship go.

If someone posted here: "I'm 23 and pregnant with my long-term boyfriend's planned baby, but my best friend won't support me. She makes it clear that she disapproves and refuses to even come shopping for baby clothes with me. She changes the conversation every time I try to talk about the child. To be honest, by now I pretend to be too tired for company if she wants to call over, and I've stopped inviting her to social events because her attitude has hurt me so much", we'd all the tripping over ourselves to advise her to cut the friend out of her life and enjoy the pregnancy.

Firetrap

OP, the same thing happened to a friend of mine. I guess the only factor that makes it different to your friend is that she moved abroad when she got married. My friend was very good in staying in touch with all her friends in Ireland until she got pregnant and had a baby. Next thing I noticed she was shutting me out of my life. When I got to compare notes with other mutual friends we realised that she had basically cut off contact with all her old friends who didn't have babies and was thick as thieves with the ones who were mothers. She even became quite close to a girl who she'd never really liked before but was in the circle - after she had a baby! I'm not going to bore you with the details but my friend basically became so completely absorbed with being a mother that it effectively lost her some friends. At the time I was a bit annoyed/hurt but I'm over it now.

Hopefully OP things won't go like that but this is just a little warning if you like that they could

niceoneted

OP it sounds to me like the tow of you have grown apart because of different outlooks you have in life. I had a similar issue with a long term bestfriend of mine. She thought I would be jealous when she got married and then was afraid to tell me she was pregnant - thinking it was all I ever wanted (which is not what I wanted) and she started to shut me out cause I wasn't doing the same things as her.
To be honest it doesn't sound to me that she is mature enough to be a mother.
I would not bother to contact her at all and if she wants the friendship to end she won't contact you. That is what I did - as I was making all the contact - and I'll tell you something my life has been more fulfilled since. My family say she was a drain on my time and energy and she didn't allow me to grow as a person. Just enjoy your relationship and life as is and don't worry what she thinks but likewise don't you be judging her life.
Good Luck.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

Right, so I'm sure you've made it very clear you have no interest in joining her in doing exciting mum-to-be stuff.



This clarifies my last point, that you've made it very clear to your friend that you have no interest in being there for her and her baby.



This sounds like you being selfish to me. I imagine any time she tries to talk about the baby, you change the subject?



.

Faith did you even read any of my other posts? NO? didnt think so. i did the shopping- i sat and talked baby with her i did everything i needed to- if i had no interest why would i offer to take her to her scan? and why would i rush over 5 mins after shes back from the 1st scan to see the pic

R E A D the whole thing. ive shopped with her and ive done all the other stuff

BaubleFreak

fff wrote: »

where in my post (point it out) did i say i was pissed off i wasnt asked to be godmother??Nowhere because i didnt say it. I mentioned the godmother thing because it states she thinks im not a baby person which is important to the story

Her prime? we are in a recession, she is renting and has no savings at all. They live from paycheque to paycheque as it is, bringing a child into that is selfish plain and simple!!!

Sorry but I agree, the way you described the 'godmother' incident shows you are very bitter about it. And it probably does come across to her. Plenty of people raise happy, healthy kids whilst living from paycheque to paycheque. Nothing wrong with that, they'll just change their priorities as regards what they spend their money on that's all.
In my opinion you sound a little jealous - maybe not of the baby, but the fact your friend is 'moving on' or entering the next phase of life, 'growing up'. You seem especially annoyed at her saying her and her boyfriend are 'ahead of you'. If you can't cope with your friend being at a life-changing time in her life and her spending more time with friends that are actually being supportive of that because she can probably sense that you're not in favour of her situation, then frankly it's YOUR loss not her's.

Also, in regards to the highchair issue, I understand you were hurt over it but I'd do the same thing she did. The other friend actually turned up with one and was stood in front of her with it, yours was only put away. It was easier to cancel yours and she probably thought she could trust you not to be upset over it. If you're really bothered about saving the friendship why not ask if there's anything else she needs instead?

marti101

Op you come across as very condecending.From what i have read you seem like you begrudge her this.Her life is moving at a different pace to yours,you are not kids now them days of doing everything together are well gone.And its only natural now that she goes towards people with the same goals.Im assuming thats why yuo were friends in the first place.And i bet your friend knows damn well how you feel and for her own peace of mind shes blanking you,she doesnt need that stress.This was prpbably coming for a while now butthis is the one that caused it to end.Meet her an get the air cleared once and for all.And just accept this friendship might be over.

Dragan

No offence OP, but from your first post i take it that you disapprove of your friends choice to have a baby.

Things don't need to spoken to be heard and body language and how you act can tell a lot. It is possible that your "friend" picked up on it.

Basically to me it seems like your friends life is completely changing in the direction that she wants it to go and you seem to have a hard time being happy for her.

So, who's the bad friend here?

dixiefly

Even if the OP gave out some "vibes" showing hesitation about the baby (and there is nothing in her posts to indicate she did) it is no reason for the blocking culminating in the non invitation to the bbq.

Her friend has become self obsessed. The OP is better off keeping a distance and probably needs to decide what type of attitude she should have to her former friend when she does meet her and when her former friend has the baby. If she wants to keep some friendship on the basis that this situation may eventually reverse itself she should probably just be civil and give a token gift after the birth. It will come down to how much, deep down, the OP values the friendship.

Best of luck to the OP, you seem a nice person.

Dragan

dixiefly wrote: »

Even if the OP gave out some "vibes" showing hesitation about the baby (and there is nothing in her posts to indicate she did) it is no reason for the blocking culminating in the non invitation to the bbq.

Her friend has become self obsessed. The OP is better off keeping a distance and probably needs to decide what type of attitude she should have to her former friend when she does meet her and when her former friend has the baby. If she wants to keep some friendship on the basis that this situation may eventually reverse itself she should probably just be civil and give a token gift after the birth. It will come down to how much, deep down, the OP values the friendship.

Best of luck to the OP, you seem a nice person.

Actually, the friend has become baby obsessed. I see it happen to about 95% of the women that i know who become pregnant. It should not be surprising that this happens when people start a family.

peekyboo

I think it is unfair to say the OP is jealous and to say her friend is self-obsessed. This is life people! People grow up together and then take different paths. It happens between friends where one might choose to go to college while the other goes out to work or one has a child while the other travels etc. It's sad but it's a fact.

A lot of my friends now have young babies and another friend (we both don't) tells me she is bored sh*tless by their conversations. She thinks she is hiding it but she fake laughs when they tell stories and doesn't take an active part in the conversations. I feel really sorry for the mammies actually because they want to talk about their gorgeous babies and they're really uncomfortable doing this around her.

OP, don't be harsh on your friend. This is an amazing time for her and she just wants everyone to be really happy. Ths is sad for you but this is what happens and I'm sure she will realise what a great friend she is losing when she comes down from the clouds.