Question for the ladies...nice guys / bad guys ?

LegacyUser

Quick question..ladies should know the answer but guys too may have experiences /comments to add...

Im in my early 40's divorced..10 months ago met a fab lady also divorced 40's..within a couple of months I had moved in and we had been discussing me buying house for us and her kids..all was FAB until a few weeks back when an ex appeared on scene and we split this week after a few weeks of 'issues' where she was 'confused' and needed her 'space'. Im gutted.. was totally in love, committed and would have done anything to create a happy future together...

Now she tells me I was never her type, that I wanted too much of her, that she's too independent for me, that I crowded her etc etc...she seemed to only be happy when out drinking and mingling whereas I can take it or leave it..enjoy good nights out but dont live for them ..

Im very kind generous loving trust worthy considerate - you're typical 'nice guy' .. her ex is the opposite..wild, smokes hash continually, party boy, always on the go etc etc

Why is it that girls want the 'bad guy'...I would have imagined that in one's 40's girls would seek stability security committment etc etc...

So basically is there any hope of me finding a nice girl who values a nice guy and would wish to settle down or do girls only ever want bad guys??
Maybe Im trying too hard...or choosing the wrong girls??

Comments please....

Wurly

You've had a bad experience that can happen to anyone.

Do not let this cloud your thinking or assume every woman wants a 'bad guy'.

Most women I know want a nice guy that treats them with respect. The girls that want the bad men usually have problems with self worth/esteem.

If you love yourself, you will only accept a good man.

I am sorry for your experience. But don't go changing your good nature cos this woman treated you badly.

I hope you meet someone nice. Best of luck.

puglover

We're not all like that. My boyfriend is the most considerate person I've ever met and I wouldn't change him for the world.

RossFixxxed

This isn't a nice guy / bad boy situation. This is just a bad girlfriend who didn't raise this ages ago and work on it. Or you are a crap boyfriend and this is just your side of it?

R

LegacyUser

Don't loose heart, there's plenty of nice women out there who would love a nice guy! You just met the wrong woman. Be thankful you didn't buy the house!!

LegacyUser

RossFixxxed wrote: »

This isn't a nice guy / bad boy situation. This is just a bad girlfriend who didn't raise this ages ago and work on it. Or you are a crap boyfriend and this is just your side of it?

R

I could indeed be a crap bfriend...tried to do my best which is all one can do...

Im not necessarily saying she was bad (she's actually lovely but confused..) but just wondering if there are in fact girls who want a kind considerate boyfriend who isn't pissed every night and is as happy with the simple things in life as a good night out....and if so where would one find one ? :-)

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I could indeed be a crap bfriend...tried to do my best which is all one can do...

Im not necessarily saying she was bad (she's actually lovely but confused..) but just wondering if there are in fact girls who want a kind considerate boyfriend who isn't pissed every night and is as happy with the simple things in life as a good night out....and if so where would one find one ? :-)

This is a really disingenuous question, OP. You know as well as I do that women are clamouring to find nice men, same way as you're clamouring to find a nice woman.

I suggest you stop blaming the lack of women and look to yourself for reasons why your last relationship didn't work. There IS such a thing as too nice, and relationships are about compromise. You're never going to find someone who accepts every tiny thing about you - you may need to make the effort to step out of your comfort zone to make any relationship successful.

The going out thing would be a big one for me. I know my boyfriend isn't big on socialising, but he makes the effort to come out with me now and again, and we socialise a lot together in larger groups. That means a lot to me.

Compromise is key - but it has to be balanced.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

This is a really disingenuous question, OP. You know as well as I do that women are clamouring to find nice men, same way as you're clamouring to find a nice woman.

I suggest you stop blaming the lack of women and look to yourself for reasons why your last relationship didn't work. There IS such a thing as too nice, and relationships are about compromise. You're never going to find someone who accepts every tiny thing about you - you may need to make the effort to step out of your comfort zone to make any relationship successful.

The going out thing would be a big one for me. I know my boyfriend isn't big on socialising, but he makes the effort to come out with me now and again, and we socialise a lot together in larger groups. That means a lot to me.

Compromise is key - but it has to be balanced.

TBH shellyboo..I did compromise .. all the time... went out a lot with her and enjoyed nite (even on nights where I wasnt in the mood initially..) Minded her kids to allow her out, even on nights where I had something else planned (But to be fair I offered much more than she accepted..)
But yes being too nice and compromising all the time was actually my fault...I'm simply going to shed being so nice and look after myself a lot more....

How would you define 'too nice' ?

Monkey61

Just because her ex likes a smoke and a good night out doesn't make him a "bad" guy. He could be every bit as nice, stable and responsible as you, just with a bit more excitement and more in common with your ex.

Nobody wants somebody who is too nice, by this I mean someone who is too eager to please, who lets themselves be bent to their partners will and comes across as lacking respect and confidence in themselves. It is important to hold on to your own personality in a relationship and to be strong as nobody is attracted to weakness and spinelessness. No woman (okay a possible generalisation), is going to want the man that constantly drops everything for them to babysit and runs after them all day long trying to please them. You are meant to be an equal in a relationship and if you are the only one that is compromising then you are not equals.

At the end of the day though, you and this woman probably just weren't suited and maybe it would never have worked out.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Quick question..ladies should know the answer but guys too may have experiences /comments to add...

Im in my early 40's divorced..10 months ago met a fab lady also divorced 40's..within a couple of months I had moved in and we had been discussing me buying house for us and her kids..all was FAB until a few weeks back when an ex appeared on scene and we split this week after a few weeks of 'issues' where she was 'confused' and needed her 'space'. Im gutted.. was totally in love, committed and would have done anything to create a happy future together...

Now she tells me I was never her type, that I wanted too much of her, that she's too independent for me, that I crowded her etc etc...she seemed to only be happy when out drinking and mingling whereas I can take it or leave it..enjoy good nights out but dont live for them ..

Im very kind generous loving trust worthy considerate - you're typical 'nice guy' .. her ex is the opposite..wild, smokes hash continually, party boy, always on the go etc etc

Why is it that girls want the 'bad guy'...I would have imagined that in one's 40's girls would seek stability security committment etc etc...

So basically is there any hope of me finding a nice girl who values a nice guy and would wish to settle down or do girls only ever want bad guys??
Maybe Im trying too hard...or choosing the wrong girls??

Comments please....

Hi Op, think it all may have moved a bit too fast tbh.Moving in after a couple of months esp when she has kids..that, by the way is her responsibility as the mum, not yiurs as the b/f.sounds like she has gotten cold feet, andyes there are LOADS of women of all ages who want a good guy.*frantically searches for pen to get ops number*
depends where you meet them, clubs bars etc perhaps not a good idea, perhaps dating sites, sports clubs etc would be a better bet

Oh The Humanity

Unregistered wrote: »

TBH shellyboo..I did compromise .. all the time... went out a lot with her and enjoyed nite (even on nights where I wasnt in the mood initially..) Minded her kids to allow her out, even on nights where I had something else planned (But to be fair I offered much more than she accepted..)
But yes being too nice and compromising all the time was actually my fault...I'm simply going to shed being so nice and look after myself a lot more....

How would you define 'too nice' ?

OP, I think you made yourself a doormat to be honest. And also she sounds like a bit of an eejit who was stringing you along. That 'confused' line when an ex turns up is an old classic meaning they want to get back with the ex but the ex is calling the shots. So you are kept on hold until they see what their chances are.

The criticisms she made of you afterwards saying you were never her type etc are 'addendums' if you like she has added on to make herself feel better.

When you are giving love, stop and notice what is coming back. It should be of similar quality. You shouldn't be the one 'doing everything' 'giving it your all' etc if the same is not coming back at you.

People by nature are rarely going to say to you things like:
'I can see you are mad about me and I dont feel the same but its handy the way you mind the kids and cook for me and give me sex and company so I will keep you until something better comes along'

and stuff like that, they wont say things like that explicitly. So you have to look at their behaviour and read it and see the patterns in it.

You should give a little, get a little, build it up slowly and know where you stand most of the time. Blind faith and trust in someone who has not proved themselves or someone you are only getting to know is foolish.

Next time let the person demonstrate in their actions how they feel about you. Dont be too clingy and desperate to please as yes, without a doubt women see that as weak Im afraid.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

TBH shellyboo..I did compromise .. all the time... went out a lot with her and enjoyed nite (even on nights where I wasnt in the mood initially..) Minded her kids to allow her out, even on nights where I had something else planned (But to be fair I offered much more than she accepted..)
But yes being too nice and compromising all the time was actually my fault...I'm simply going to shed being so nice and look after myself a lot more....

How would you define 'too nice' ?

This is what I mean about balance - if you're doing all the compromising, you're just being a walkover. And it's impossible to respect someone who won't stand up for themselves, much less love them.

There's a difference between being a fantastic, accomodating partner and being a doormat - it's a line I tread myself a lot of the time because I have a tendency to want to please everybody but myself.

Too nice is someone who gives in all the time, every time.

Monkey61 wrote: »

Nobody wants somebody who is too nice, by this I mean someone who is too eager to please, who lets themselves be bent to their partners will and comes across as lacking respect and confidence in themselves. It is important to hold on to your own personality in a relationship and to be strong as nobody is attracted to weakness and spinelessness. No woman (okay a possible generalisation), is going to want the man that constantly drops everything for them to babysit and runs after them all day long trying to please them. You are meant to be an equal in a relationship and if you are the only one that is compromising then you are not equals.

This is spot on. This is a horrible sexist generalisation, but women don't want nice guys or bad boys - they want a man. Someone who'll stand up for himself and for her, who knows when to compromise, but who also knows when to say no.

Monkey61 wrote: »

Just because her ex likes a smoke and a good night out doesn't make him a "bad" guy. He could be every bit as nice, stable and responsible as you, just with a bit more excitement and more in common with your ex.

Yep, this too. Just because someone has a wild social life doesn't mean they're a bad boy.

LegacyUser

Yes indeed ye are all spot on...I was much too soft and much too eager to please...that will stop now forever....

As for ex...we TBH its not just a few smokes and a few beers, its also dealing in hash (some of his mates have served time for similiar but he's been lucky so far..), knocking the crap outta a few people (incl her ex husband..who will no doubt be thrilled to have drugs back in his children's home..) and generally mad for parties and excitment..so I guess thats the attraction....

So whilst I can never be that kind of person (nor would I want to be,..) I have, if nothing else, learned to respect myself more, be less of a doormat and expect back what I'm I'm giving out...

Cheers

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

just wondering if there are in fact girls who want a kind considerate boyfriend who isn't pissed every night and is as happy with the simple things in life as a good night out....and if so where would one find one ? :-)

I wouldnt entertain a man who was other than this.. Plenty of nice girls around - try internet dating or some of the quieter local pubs... Put this one down to experience and dont jump in as quickly again - dip your toe for a while until you are sure she is a keeper.

MyPeopleDrankTheSoup

she has kids and is hanging out with drug dealers and ex-cons? she sounds like an idiot who doesn't know what she wants. let her be. and for your sake and mankinds sake don't let her back when she realises the errors of her ways

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes indeed ye are all spot on...I was much too soft and much too eager to please...that will stop now forever....

Good man, getting the balance is important.

As for ex...we TBH its not just a few smokes and a few beers, its also dealing in hash (some of his mates have served time for similiar but he's been lucky so far..), knocking the crap outta a few people (incl her ex husband..who will no doubt be thrilled to have drugs back in his children's home..) and generally mad for parties and excitment..so I guess thats the attraction....

He's a wanker all right and that says a lot more about her than it does you. She clearly hasn't got a clue. For a woman in her 40's, it's very depressing stuff. and you're better off staying away from that.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

Good man, getting the balance is important.

He's a wanker all right and that says a lot more about her than it does you. She clearly hasn't got a clue. For a woman in her 40's, it's very depressing stuff. and you're better off staying away from that.

Thanks for all the responses...has helped me cope a bit but just to clarify...she's actually a lovely woman, not very loving and very confused, but lovely all the same and apparently he's actually an ok bloke despite the hash dealing etc..so perhaps they are ideally suited after all..

Mind you she dumped him after 4 years together cos he was a lazy layabout sponging off her, lying in bed and smoking hash all day...maybe he has reformed...

Anyhow enough about him...it's time to move on.....without making the same mistakes again :-)

bronte

Have never and will never be attracted to these so-called Bad boys. (read losers) Keep being yourself op, sorry this one didn't work out.

Cateym

I agree that it is possible to go out with someone who is just too nice. A few years back I was dating a guy who was handsome, intelligent, lovely etc but he was just too nice. He basically was a yes man. Anything I wanted was fine by him. Whenever I pushed on what he wanted to do etc he always said whatever you like is fine by me. Got on my nerves no end. I wanted a partner not a lapdog!!

LegacyUser

Cateym wrote: »

I agree that it is possible to go out with someone who is just too nice. A few years back I was dating a guy who was handsome, intelligent, lovely etc but he was just too nice. He basically was a yes man. Anything I wanted was fine by him. Whenever I pushed on what he wanted to do etc he always said whatever you like is fine by me. Got on my nerves no end. I wanted a partner not a lapdog!!

A now I wasn't THAT bad...I was too 'giving' though..going home early to cook dinner when she arrived in from work, minding kids to let her off to pub (and meet her ex apparently..), taking time off to drop kids off places, doing the washing cleaning etc to save her doing it when she came in after a hard day, buying flowers n little gifts...etc etc etc...all the things I thought would make her happy...guess I was wrong eh?? :-)

In future I'll just deal in drugs and all will be well..LOL

PK2008

Unregistered wrote: »

..within a couple of months I had moved in and we had been discussing me buying house for us and her kids..

Whoa Whoa Whoa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Within a couple of months you had moved in together and the two of you were discussing YOU buying a house for HER and HER kids:eek:

Man that isnt being nice thats being stupid

you've had a lucky break as far as I can see- she could have taken you to the cleaners

LegacyUser

PK2008 wrote: »

Whoa Whoa Whoa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Within a couple of months you had moved in together and the two of you were discussing YOU buying a house for HER and HER kids:eek:

Man that isnt being nice thats being stupid

you've had a lucky break as far as I can see- she could have taken you to the cleaners

LOL

and this coming just after I got divorced and gave ex the house......Jeez maybe I am wayyyy too nice for my own good...

Lucky break it appears I had alright....

PK2008

Unregistered wrote: »

LOL

and this coming just after I got divorced and gave ex the house......Jeez maybe I am wayyyy too nice for my own good...

Lucky break it appears I had alright....

"Gave" your ex the house!!!!!!!!!!???!!!!!!:eek:

Mate take a break from women while you still have the shirt on your back and, while i absolutely hate this expression i seriously think you need to, "Grow a pair of balls!!"

Then go and get half your house back off your ex

then when you meet the next woman that you want to hand over all your assets to

1)Wait at least a year before you 2 move in together
and
2)Wait until at least 3 years before you consider buying a house TOGETHER as in 50/50, which can be sold 50/50 if it all goes pear shaped

it aint rocket surgery mate

MyPeopleDrankTheSoup

Unregistered wrote: »

minding kids to let her off to pub (and meet her ex apparently..)

Excuse me, wha? Did you know this at the time. That's shocking from both sides. From her side, chatting (if not more) with the ex while knowing you're up minding the kids, any women worthy of a proper relationship wouldn't be doing that. Again, you're lucky you're out imho

LegacyUser

georgiecasey wrote: »

Excuse me, wha? Did you know this at the time. That's shocking from both sides. From her side, chatting (if not more) with the ex while knowing you're up minding the kids, any women worthy of a proper relationship wouldn't be doing that. Again, you're lucky you're out imho

No.. didn't know at the time...was even getting texts whilst she was out saying 'Im off here or there with her friends' whilst all the time she was texting and ringing and meeting ex...and me at home with her kids....discovered this by peeping at her fone...which I know was wrong but justified in the circumstances...

You said 'shocking from both sides'...what's the other side?

SarahSassy

PK2008 wrote: »

it aint rocket surgery mate

:D

Oh The Humanity

SarahSassy wrote: »

it aint rocket surgery mate :D

Or brain science!

Wurly

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Or brain science!

+1. hahahahahahahahhahahaa


Sorry mods. /slaps own wrist.;)

MyPeopleDrankTheSoup

Unregistered wrote: »

You said 'shocking from both sides'...what's the other side?

Sorry, I thought you knew that she was with the ex, which would have been weird. You're free now though, you'll have to hit coppers at the weekend!

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for all the responses...has helped me cope a bit but just to clarify...she's actually a lovely woman, not very loving and very confused, but lovely all the same and apparently he's actually an ok bloke despite the hash dealing etc..so perhaps they are ideally suited after all..

and assaulting people and knowingly meeting up with your lady while you minded the kids...sounds like a true gent...

I'm willing to bet she said that he was okay. Again it says a lot. He's a tosser but she's defending him. and im sure she'll be right back to square one in a year with him smoking up in bed all day. Again, you're lucky to be out of there as the woman has not got a clue.

Oh and good luck

LegacyUser

georgiecasey wrote: »

Sorry, I thought you knew that she was with the ex, which would have been weird. You're free now though, you'll have to hit coppers at the weekend!

Coppers?? What will I find there?? LOL

Thanks all for the advise and comments...ye are brill