adult adoptee and relationships

clueless-1

I won't go on about my personal experience with an adoptee BUT i would like to know from adoptees point of biew, what is that feeling of rejection or abandonment that everyone always mention when talking bout adoptees in relationships.

I have a hard time understanding this...is this something that is conscience or in the back of your mind? is it even a feeling for the ones who have grown up in loving caring families, loving friends..etc..?

i would really like to understand...

thank you for your view on it or experience

kathy finn

hi clueless,
i suppose the feeling of rejection comes from the fact that the person who should have loved and protected you your birthmother gave you away.
i know as you get older you understand more why they did what they did but you still feel the rejection it does,nt matter if you had the best adopted parents growing up.......kathy

trixy

Hi Clueless

I am adopted and my husband came to terms with this after many years of not understanding.

The only way I can explain is it is a subconscious part of you to be colder than the average person. I am not a huggy , touchy, feely person and I think we have a guard built in from being born.
When babies are born they are hugged and kissed all the time and a bond is set.
I was adopted after 7 months so I can only assume the 7 months I was in a mother and baby home I wasn't picked up or hugged everytime I cried or looked for attention.

The rejection is an insecurity that you were 'given away' and not wanted. Even though I have the best family and upbringing anyone could ask for the rejection was always there.

As you get older though I found this faded slighly and only now in my late 30s is my confidence starting to show.
I always felt other people were better than me in every way. As time goes I understand everything my Birth Mother done for me was for my own good to have a life she couldn't give me.

Hope this helps

Ostrom

Can you be more specific? It sounds familiar alright, but what exactly is bothering you?

clueless-1

thank you for the replies...

Nothing is bothering me per se, its just that knowing someone who has been adopted and who had his birth parents found him as opposed to the more "traditional way" where the adoptee look for his birth parents, especially that his birth parents are still together, and with young childrens! (ense probably why they came in his life im guessing)...
I can not even start to imagine what it does to someone in his early 20s, and i have read is about how adoptee have that feeling bout fear of abandon and rejection, all i see from him is ultra confidence and constant reassurance that his life is great, adoring caring family (adoptive one i mean) etc...so im trying to understand where would the so called fear of rejection and abandon would come from if you have been adopted at birth...how could you have that feeling, or maybe some dont have those feelings maybe..?

Im only trying to understand as for me its completly foreign...i care for him and having some insights of people that do share their stories would help me.

The_Conductor

The fear of rejection, abondonment, failure (and a myriad of other emotions) associated with adoption- are not solely towards birthparents/families- but present in many facets of life. A happy, secure adoptive family- does not mean the adoptive person feels secure- deep down inside- despite all appearances to the contrary- they may feel incredibly insecure. Whether they would ever admit this- to themselves, or anyone else- is debateable- some will, others won't.

The different sexes do tend to handle adoption in different ways (this is a generalisation rather than a rule- but it holds in a majority of cases). Its far more likely that a girl will seek her birthparents, than it is for a boy. Girls, possibly because they themselves may have their own children, and may feel attachments to them that men- much as they love their children, will never fully understand- may have many more questions and a deeper need to get to 'know themselves' by tracing their birthparents- than a guy may.

This is turned on its head- when the searching birthparents enter the equation- out of the blue- and into the life of a guy- who emotionally may not know or want to admit to himself or others, what the situation means to him.

Its not that there is a more 'traditional' way of searching for your birthparents- be it by an adoptee or a birthparent- the usual is you end up on a social worker's to-do list for a few years- until you pester him/her sufficiently to become a more urgent case. The proactive approach of doing your search yourself- was not an option many people were aware of, until recent times- unfortunately there is very little traditional or natural about adoption however.

In short- there is a 'normal' feeling to have or not to have. You can't make assumptions- even if he has had a wonderful adoptive family- it does not equate with him feeling secure- he may or he may not- but his relationship with his adoptive family- regardless of how loving they are- is only one element of the equation.

You're not going to get a succint answer that answers your question. If you're genuinely interested- there are some good books you could read that might shed a little light on adoption- a good one to begin with would be Betty Jean Lifton's- Journey of the Adopted Self- a quest for wholeness. (Its quite 'American' but very 'insightful'- I do recommend it)

Best wishes,

Shane