Letters from America

busted flush

The following is a letter from one of several that i will be putting in my new book out next year (hopefully) titled "Letters from America". Honest criticism welcomed

"The super heros club"

Ok I'm here nearly 4 weeks now. I honestly would not come back ever if it was not for family, i love it here. Now that might have to do with the bucket load of fun I'm having with uncle Mike coupled with the fact that since I'm here we have had not much work on, but taking all that into account i still love it. Last Friday for example, one of the days we were able to go out together and do some work, the weather was fantastic 30/32 degrees and sunny. We finished up at about half four and stopped at a seven eleven on the way back to pick up a few pancakes(beers), and then back to the man cave(Mikes garage). Where we both sat back and sipped on a cold one a generally felt very satisfied with ourselves altogether! Debra soon joined us and the three of us decided, to vacate the environs of the man cave and take this party out to the deck by the swimming pool. Charming , i thought to myself, one really could get used of this! Well one pancake soon turned into two and two into eight, and of coarse a few Friday shots are obligatory here! Well that's what i was told and who am i to question the wise teachings of uncle Mike and aunt Deb!!!
Well the sun was starting to set and i was feeling a little jaded ,(after all its not every day i do a bit of work you know, i needed to conserve my energy for what might lay ahead ) and i was beginning to have thoughts of getting a pizza and having an early night. Not going to happen here I'm afraid, "Have you met Brandon yet?", Mike suggestively inquired, i yawned and outstretched my arms in a gesture that suggested that i might be tired and in need of a rest after my hard days toil." No i don't think i have" i yawned, at this stage Debbie, Mikes side kick ,(kind of like a Batman and Robin duo whose main super powers are the power to have a good time or die trying),interjected, "Oh my God Patrick you have got to see his garage", it was no use i knew i could not beat theses people there powers were to strong , i would have to venture to this "Brandon" guys garage and even if i did not want to ...........have fun!!!!!!
Now i have seen a lot of garages in my time, drank in some, played cards and table tennis in others and in Mikes i mostly watched basket ball and got hammered. However Brandon's was indeed the best garage/man cave I've ever ever seen in my life. Firstly its not even that big , just a regular size thing, heck Danny's back home is bigger, but what it lacked in space it made up for in taste! As you entered from the kitchen the first thing that hits you is a Harley Davidson, decked out in all its glory and on display for all to see. A pool table was centre stage and in one corner a music centre that most people could not even imagine existed, in the other corner a "shot bar", all throughout the rest of the place were pictures and posters of very interesting/cool stuff. This "Brandon", guy who ever he was certainly had his layer well decked out! As i stumbled down the stairs (remember we had, had a lot to drink), i came across a creature i had not seen before since my arrival almost a month ago,it was not a cat nor a dog and I'm sure it was not a hamster , yet it seemed to be at ease in this magnificent place, hence giving me the impression that it must live here! "Quack quack", yes it was a duck, but a duck with a difference, it had a nappy/underpants on, this could only mean one thing, he must have been "Brandon's" sidekick, that would explain the underpants!
The next think i noticed, after "The incredible Duck", was there were a lot of other people here too. "mmm", i thought "this Brandon guy is very popular maybe to popular....."Patrick ,Patrick, paddy, pat!" "oops i was away in my own world there Mike sorry" i said trying to regain my composure. "Patrick this is Brandon", Brandon this is Patrick my nephew from Ireland" said Mike in a real fun filled way. "Sup Dude", Brandon responded very quickly, maybe to quickly or maybe not quick enough as i came right back with, "hi how r tings?" Oh it was on!!! I knew what was going on here, this was an interview, to see if i was duke enough to be in their super hero club! I was. Well the beer keep coming and even though i don't really like to dance after about 12 beers and 3/4 shots of mixed variety i started to shake my bootie, but not before Uncle-48 year old-Mike did, i have never seen a man play air guitar as good as Mike and lyrics are just made up on the spot if he forgets the originals. The more we laughed at him the more encouraged he became so much so that both Deb and i developed a "if ya cant beat him join him " attitude. Well we danced and sang and played pool and eat pizza and talked to the duck in code into the night and before i knew it we were on the way home . Sensibly Mike let Debra drive as she had only 10 beers and 4 shots , and as we sped through the humid sweaty orange and red streets of down town Dallas. I could not help wondering if i have a super power! Drink is a terrible/wonderful thing!

Padar

EileenG

Sorry, I really tried to read it, but I've got spoiled by people who actually use punctuation and split their words into different paragraphs. Literally, my eyes started to glaze over trying to follow the narrative without any punctuation to help.

pickarooney

Same here. Try editing it to include paragraphs (and proper sentences).

Flight19

I thought it was crap. Something full stops won't even help.

Sarky

Constructive criticism is the only type allowed here, thank you.

Fatboydim

New book? Does that mean you are published already?

There are grammatical and spelling errors for sure, and I think you mean lair [not layer]but they are easily fixed.

I guess my main question would be why do you think this is publishable? I think it's fine for a blog, but it doesn't really go anywhere as a story. What would the book be about? What's it's central thread? Just an Irishman abroad is not enough it would need some other angle or really special writing.

After all "young Irishmen gets pissed abroad" isn't exactly news.

You also need to set things up properly:

"Ok I'm here for nearly 4 weeks now"

Starting off with OK is just bad writing.
[ Same applies for other words like "So" - Use very sparingly as they are just verbal ticks that do not translate to the page.]


I'm here

Where? Set this up. If you leave things out it should be for a reason - such as a reveal. We find out in the last sentence that you are talking about Dallas.

4 - Never ever be this lazy - type the word four. The only time numbers are not spelled as words is if it is a large number - or there are technical reasons for doing so.

I honestly would not come back ever if it was not for family, i love it here.

It took me a little while to work out what you were saying here. The inclusion of the words to Ireland might help.

Now that might have to do with the bucket load of fun I'm having with uncle Mike

Describe Uncle Mike. We don't know him - so tell us what he looks like - what he sounds like - Hell what he might even smell like.

coupled with the fact that since I'm here we have had not much work on, but taking all that into account i still love it.

What work? Why are you there? How did you arrive in America? Set everything up.

The plural of Hero is Heroes. As that's your title make sure that is spelled correctly.

Hope the above is of some use to you.

Flight19

I apologise profusely to Busted Flush i didn't mean to hurt his feelings or anyone elses for that matter. I thought i was being constructive but obviously it was way too harsh a comment. I just thought that the letter was too personal. Punctuation was poor and the lack of paragraphs made it very difficult to read. So difficult in fact i had to take a break half way through.

Oh Fatboydim good point i was presuming this wasn't his first letter and these descriptions were given in previous letters.

busted flush

Yea, i agree with almost all comments , this is however a really really rough draft. I'm just wondering if the topic is interesting enough that people would be interested. Obviously it will be edited accordingly, this one was just copied and pasted and that is down to my laziness . Thanks again
Busted.

busted flush

Fatboydim wrote: »

New book? Does that mean you are published already?

There are grammatical and spelling errors for sure, and I think you mean lair [not layer]but they are easily fixed.

I guess my main question would be why do you think this is publishable? I think it's fine for a blog, but it doesn't really go anywhere as a story. What would the book be about? What's it's central thread? Just an Irishman abroad is not enough it would need some other angle or really special writing.

After all "young Irishmen gets pissed abroad" isn't exactly news.

You also need to set things up properly:

"Ok I'm here for nearly 4 weeks now"

Starting off with OK is just bad writing.
[ Same applies for other words like "So" - Use very sparingly as they are just verbal ticks that do not translate to the page.]


I'm here

Where? Set this up. If you leave things out it should be for a reason - such as a reveal. We find out in the last sentence that you are talking about Dallas.

4 - Never ever be this lazy - type the word four. The only time numbers are not spelled as words is if it is a large number - or there are technical reasons for doing so.

I honestly would not come back ever if it was not for family, i love it here.

It took me a little while to work out what you were saying here. The inclusion of the words to Ireland might help.

Now that might have to do with the bucket load of fun I'm having with uncle Mike

Describe Uncle Mike. We don't know him - so tell us what he looks like - what he sounds like - Hell what he might even smell like.

coupled with the fact that since I'm here we have had not much work on, but taking all that into account i still love it.

What work? Why are you there? How did you arrive in America? Set everything up.

The plural of Hero is Heroes. As that's your title make sure that is spelled correctly.

Hope the above is of some use to you.

Excellent post and duly noted. To be fair this is a tiny extract and all the main ingredients are given long before we arrived at this piece. Again in hindsight i should have not been so lazy, and posted a fully edited piece ,my laziness is my only alibi here. Not good enough. Thanks for pointing out the obvious that my arrogance failed to see.
busted