Problem with colleague

LegacyUser

i work in a large office where one of my colleagues was a very good friend up until 2 months ago. Basically the department fell behind schedule and missed 2 major deadlines we were all seen in a bad light, it was down to her that we fell behind as she was neglecting alot of her responsibilities and spending a lot of work time on the phone to her friends. I reported this to the head of her department and told tem i was sick of her not pulling her weight, she knew i did this and we ended up having a big fight and her saying i had betrayed her. I explained that i had a duty to report it as it was my job and it directly effected me and that it shouldnt reflect on our friendship and that it would be stupid to fall out over it. However the frindship was never the same again, we barely contact each other now never go out. I was going to try and approache her and try to make an effort to get the frindship back to what it was but im not sure if this is the right thing to do. some people are telling me not to let 6 years of friendship go just like that as we were really good friends but others are telling me that as i reported her she will see me as a snitch the trust will be gone and the friendship can never be the same. I feel I had no choice and it was a hard thing for me to do but i was right she was wrong.........any advice?

ninjasurfer1

Did you not talk to her before the deadlines were missed and ask her to pull her weight?

Firetrap

To be honest, I don't think you and her can ever be friends again. I can understand why you reported her but you surely must have known that she would not take it well. In her eyes, what you did was a betrayal. The day you reported her was the day your friendship ended. Not everyone is able or willing to forgive someone they perceive to have betrayed them. Unless you're detecting some "green shoots" in her behaviour towards you, it's probably better to let sleeping dogs lie

billysbones

Unregistered wrote: »

i work in a large office where one of my colleagues was a very good friend up until 2 months ago. Basically the department fell behind schedule and missed 2 major deadlines we were all seen in a bad light, it was down to her that we fell behind as she was neglecting alot of her responsibilities and spending a lot of work time on the phone to her friends. I reported this to the head of her department and told tem i was sick of her not pulling her weight, she knew i did this and we ended up having a big fight and her saying i had betrayed her. I explained that i had a duty to report it as it was my job and it directly effected me and that it shouldnt reflect on our friendship and that it would be stupid to fall out over it. However the frindship was never the same again, we barely contact each other now never go out. I was going to try and approache her and try to make an effort to get the frindship back to what it was but im not sure if this is the right thing to do. some people are telling me not to let 6 years of friendship go just like that as we were really good friends but others are telling me that as i reported her she will see me as a snitch the trust will be gone and the friendship can never be the same. I feel I had no choice and it was a hard thing for me to do but i was right she was wrong.........any advice?

Nobody likes a rat and you mate it would seem, to be one. Nobody needs a friend like you and how could you be that delusional to expect her to be get over what you did. I don't condone laziness , but if what you say is true about the fact she was the sole reason for the deadlines missed, surely as a so called friend the right thing to do was to appraoch her and be up front about the issue instead of going behind her back. Its certainly laughable that expected or tried to get the friendship back. I am also doubting your level of intelligence and the fact that your "friend" was the sole reason for failing your deadlines. Actually I just realised something, you must be female also, a bloke would not write or do something like that not unless he were a bitch.

Silverfish

billysbones, please read the charter before posting in this forum.

Abuse is not accepted.

LegacyUser

surely work is work and should be kept separate from personal life, she should be professional enough to see that and stay friends get over it and move on.

billysbones

Silverfish wrote: »

billysbones, please read the charter before posting in this forum.

Abuse is not accepted.

Sorry about that mate, maybe "rat" was the wrong word, I should have used the word snitch instead, no abuse intended

LegacyUser

It depends. If you were a 'really good friend', you would have approached her before going to management with your concerns about the looming deadline, she wasn't pulling her weight etc. If you didn't do this, and went straight ahead and 'snitched', the friendship is gone, you have betrayed it.

CDfm

Lets be adult about this.

Its a harsh world and this persons behaviour meant important deadlines werent met. This isnt school and there is a recession on and consequences are consequences.

So maybe you were right to say "not my fault" which really was the extent of what you did.

On the guilt scale its along the lines of breaking her crayons and not drowning her kitten.

Anyone who puts gabbing to their friends in front of job security ATM is a bit selfish and its a bit childish of her to expect you and others to take the rap.

Well done OP and you have welcomed her to the real world as it is not school and her actions do have real consequences and are not a bad grade in a mid term and the manager is not the teacher.

Describing the OPs actions as snitching or ratting is juvenile as is looking at the friends behaviour as that of a naughty schoolgirl. So you can like the person but recognise that she is lazy and not take responsibilty for her.

LegacyUser

thanks CDfm you are right in a way it isnt school. We did have a row prior to me going to our boss and i voiced my concerns about her neglecting her duties and the rest of us having to pick up after her and over her refusal to do taks which were her job to do. She told me to mind my own business and that she didnt report to me and that she would do as she pleased. This reaction shocked me so much I then went to the boss as it was the only option left. did i still do the wrong thing and is it possible at all that she might see that and let by gones be by gones. I have been a really good friend to her in the past gave her good advice, she started as an office junior in our firm and i was the one who encouraged her to apply for the higher position and told her when it came up and helped her from day one in that role, ive lent her money when her rent was overdue and often took her child when she had to go somewhere in a hurry and didnt have a baby sitter so i think d good outweighs the bad in the end.

CDfm

she let you guys down and she is not being grown up. she has to take responsibility now she is in a more senior role.

You a work colleagues really.

Not your fault really - maybe your boss shouldnt have told her you complained -but it still isnt your fault.

Oh The Humanity

I think although she was out of order for dossing at the expense of the rest of the office you were naive in your expectations.

You seem to think its a simple case of the fact that you were 'in the right' -that she will see this and sagely shrug the whole matter off.

But people are essentially self interested, you included. You have to understand that.
As far as she is concerned, she was swinging the lead, deadlines were missed because of her. That was between her and the bosses and none of your business.

Your justification for telling tales is obviously self protection, you feel you would have looked bad if you didn't pipe up so you did in order to protect yourself.....but the professional thing to do would have been to say nothing and let your work speak for itself. Patience and diplomacy count for a lot more than someone who is so self interested that they are prepared to place someone elses head on the chopping block in the mistaken belief this will earn them brownie points with the bosses.

I think this was really a step too far, you acted in self interest. The bosses wont look kindly on you for being a snitch, yes they will use the information but you will not be placed in positions of trust in the future.
Thats the way it goes.

If you had said nothing the bosses would still have worked out who was swinging the lead and you would not have had to stick your head above the parapet making yourself a 'snitch'

I do understand its uncomfortable working with someone who is bringing the whole team down, yes its a daily frustration but as someone rightly pointed out this is not school.

Your expectation that this woman will forgive you is naive, really now you have no choice only to let matters take their course, you cant change what you have done so you will just have to get on with it.

Taltos

Definitely she let you all down.
You also did try to talk to her first - but since she was unwilling to listen you went to management.

Not only was this the right thing to do - it was the only thing to do.

On a separate note - I try not to socialise in with my mates in work - tough for some - but it does help if you keep a clear line between your friends and your work colleagues.

This was a hard lesson - but I for one think you handled it very well. You went from being used to taking the initiative and taking control again.