I'm being harrassed

LegacyUser

This is going to be long so apologies.

I wrote about this here in PI in febaury or march and got some great advice but now I'm back to square one and its even worse now.

I'm 26, and about 4 and half years ago I started babysitting for a neighbour. For a long time it was only an odd saturday night but then about 18 months ago my neighbour had a falling out with her mother in law who used to babysit. She then started to rely on me more and more and at one stage tried to book me permanently for saturday nights even though herself and her husband had no major plans. Just the pub. For a some time as well she'd try to book me a week in advance for the following saturday. I used to think she was a nice woman but it took me so long to cop on that she was pure nasty. There was so many times where they totally took advantage of me coming home very late and being quite i would have said nothing.

Started working full time in a job a little ove a year ago. A job that I love despite it being extremely intense with very long working hours. So babysitting at weekends would have been very hard for me and things had to change in that I needed some time to myself at weekends.

Since last winter I started to say no to babysitting more often, but felt I had an obligation to babysit an odd time to keep the peace as neighbours. The woman would often send me on a guilt trip after a nights babysitting, or maybe anytime whenever she'd give me a lift on the road. She'd say things like the child really loves me, and that she only settles with me and that she has noone else to help with babysitting.

Well anyways earlier this year she started to harrass with phone calls and texts messages. She would have contacted me early in the week like a monday afternoon by text message and being so busy with work i wouldn't have time to reply back within the day and by the day was out I would have had a load of missed calls from her.

I got some great advice here a few months back and the night I was due to talk to her a few months ago about not being able to babysit anymore, I swear she knew what was coming when i told her that I needed to talk to her for a few mintutes. Before i got word in she told me that because i was so busy she had sourced another babysitter and that she would still need me sometimes if that was ok. I said that it was. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders that night.

Well I don't know what happened with that babysitter because i'm back at square one and its even worse now. Not only is she harrassing me over the phone for babysitting, shes now coming out from her house whenever I pass and sending me on a guilt trip face to face and in front of the child she'd ask me would i babysit. I need to pass by her house to get to work and in case I get a notion to pull a sickie she, or her husband and child would come out of the house most evenings when I'm walking home and greet me and say something like looking forward to seeing you at the weekend. Its so much more easier turning her down over the phone but now shes using her child to get me to babysit.

Between work and that hag I hadn't a weekend night off in weeks and weeks. The week of the may bank holiday weekend, she contacted me by phone and I texted her to say that I wasn't available for the sunday night of the bank holiday weekend. Well we saw each other out on the saturday night and she cornered me until I said yes for the sunday night.

I need to break away from this cnut without getting a one way ticket abroad or without moving away (can't move away because I'm a carer. Minding a gorgeous child with special needs). All this woman cares about is drink.

Kevster

You don't owe this person anything at all, and she needs a big kick up her ass and a taste of reality. Firstly, I would make a note of each time she harrasses you, including time and date and details of what she said. As you begin to do that, you will just have to stand up to her and say it straight out: 'You are harrassing me and I don't like it'. If she then continues, inform her that you will take the issue further if it continues.

You don't deserve this from her, and she just needs to realise exactly what she's doing.

Kevin

jbl123

I think you should send her a letter. Explain that since your full-time job involves caring for a special needs child, which is very demanding you will no longer be able to babysit for her AT ALL...Word it in a polite but firm way. Tell her your job is draining and you need to relax at the weekends and evenings. The key thing is don't just say "I can't babysit for you this coming weekend because I'm busy with X.." Rather tell her you will not be babysitting at all for her in the future...as in never!!!

When you see the kid you can still be friendly..

mikemac

You are young, get out and live your life. You need your weekends off

And you are a professional, you do this as your day job so you're a fantastic baby sitter.
Tell her you 25 euro an hour and she can book you if interested
Hey, tradesmen were charging far more for small jobs in the last few years!

And as for guilt?
For sure a parent needs nights to relax but she is out Saturday and wants to go out Sunday and you're the one being made feel guity? She needs to look at herself, is she going out a few times a week?

LegacyUser

Keep saying no. Everytime she comes up with a new argument does [/I]not[/I] mean you have to come up with a counter argument.

Just say you're not able to do it, and continue to say no until she gets the message.

Stercus Accidit

Knowingly or unknowingly this woman is using a common psychological technique to keep you helping her.

When you got into the habit of helping she could ask more and more of you, there is a natural feeling of guilt you would feel not helping her once it becomes habit.

When you tried to say no, you felt guilt, she then gave some leeway, another technique, you felt like you have both compromised, but in reality she got what she wanted again. Then she moved back towards gradually using you more and more.

The using of the child is a much cruder blunter technique, and shows she is at this stage knowingly manipulating your feelings of obligation and guilt.


Tell her straight up you won't babysit any more, you owe her nothing, you have been psychologically exploited in a very manipulative and intentional way. You have been used completely by the sounds of it, lay down the law, and if she involves the child again, say to her you refuse to discuss the matter with the child present, if she forces you to do so, explain you understand why she uses the child as leverage, and it is not on, if needs be, say what you have to say in front of the kid, it is her fault if the child is upset by this, but nipping this in the bud (a bit late) with her in person or with a letter without the presence of the child is the best option.

There are legal avenues, if she keeps this exploitative behaviour up, pursue the legal route.

samhail

you could double or triple your rates saying that the recession is hitting you hard and hope that they just stop asking you.

chickenhawk

Don't write her a letter or increase your rates (unless you need the money) cause from the sounds of it she'll find some way around it. You'll just have to be as cold as you can to her and keep saying no. And if you end up saying yes because she pressured you then don't show up. Go to the cinema and turn your phone off. Let them learn the hard way they can't treat you like sh1t!

Miaireland

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. In the end, you have to say no, tell her that you do not want to fall out about it but that you will not discuss it again.

Once she realises that she cannot bully you into doing it she will back off.

Just make sure that if she asks can she call you if she is stuck say no that you are giving up babysitting fullstop.

I know it sounds harsh but it really is the only way:)

PCPhoto

why not just get her another person to harrass - place an advert in the local shop for a babysitter - then give her the details of people interested.

that way you are simply pushing the problem away from you and she has a list of possible "replacements" to babysit.... problem solved !!!


* I know it shouldn't be your job to find her a babysitter but its the least confrontational solution to your situation.

TaxiManMartin

PCPhoto wrote: »

why not just get her another person to harrass - place an advert in the local shop for a babysitter - then give her the details of people interested.

that way you are simply pushing the problem away from you and she has a list of possible "replacements" to babysit.... problem solved !!!


* I know it shouldn't be your job to find her a babysitter but its the least confrontational solution to your situation.

Thats what i did with all the relatives that asked me to fix their computers. They wouldnt think of paying me. So i asked a friend to take the jobs. Now when they ask me i say i havent got time bu i know someone and can give them the number. I tell them he'll only charge them €60 an hour and hand them his number.

Works a treat.

LegacyUser

She us taking you for the sucker you are, someone who will eventually cave in when pressured. You are going to have to get the point home, by verbal force if necessary. If you can call her a cnut here then you can say similar to her face in getting your point across and reminding her of her terrible behaviour.

Stand up for yourself its your precious time she is wasting!.

TheZohanS

You're going to have to just say "no".

Don't give excuses, if you give an excuse people can bargain. Be polite and courteous by all means but smile and say "no".

Short and sweet.

Salome

Does it really matter if you fall out with these people? You should just tell them that you don't want to work weekends anymore because your week is busy enough. If they fall out with you because of your reasonable request not to work 7 days a week, then they weren't good friends to start off with, are they?

D-Generate

At 26 years old the ability to be assertive and to say no should really not be much of a problem....

Taltos

This woman is just a natural user and abuser.

You should not be worried about upsetting her in the slightest.
Instead you should attempt to cut all ties.

Next time she calls you - just say NO.
Next time she stops you on the street - Smile and say NO - if she argues - do NOT rise to her at all - do not raise your voice just say "Oh would you look at the time - I'm late gotta dash. Bye".
Getting a text - Delete it / ignore it
If she persists though and I mean beyond 2 wks or so - next time she stops you just calmly state. "Look, I cannot and will not baby sit for you again. I am not going to discuss this but would kindly request you stop this harrassment immediately."
If that does not win through - then seek proper advice. (make sure you use the word harrassment)

But - remember - YOU have all the power here. The only power this person has is what you give her.

So - Smile and keep repeating in your head - NO NO NO NO NO.
Under NO circumstances give in at all. EVER. Just walk away and treat her like the stranger she is.

TBH - She sounds more like a damn stalker to me. Life is too short to surround yourself with wackos like that.

Best of luck - and let us all know how you get on.

LegacyUser

To the OP:
I have worked as a babysitter and au-pair and some of the parents who have tried to recruit me are just unbelievable.. I have worked abroad and never saw the like of it.
It's as if some people think that babysitters are a charity organisation and that there is nothing wrong in going out every single weekend to the wee hours as if they were footloose and fancy free...sure the babysitter won't mind and oh by the way she will babysit for free/a penny....hello reality check!
Ok rant over.......you need to do what I have done in the past: I had a parent who I told straight that I was not gonna babysit for anymore, she then dropped her precious darlings AT MY HOUSE and DROVE OFF!! So I called her mobile(turned-off) and left a message to say " get here, get your kids ASAP or I am calling the local gardai".....kids were collected.
Point being that some people have to have it spelt out for them...this woman is has to be told or she will keep on insisting that you are her baby-sitting servant. Blank her...do not engage in any conversation at all even if the kid is there...no matter where it is.
If she calls you by phone don't answer it, don't return the calls/texts.
I have had to do this with parents,because some of them are dysfunctional and I refuse to be bullied. All the girls at the agencies have had this problem at some stage. If being firm and polite isn't working try the Blanking ok.
Best o' luck

Taltos

Unregistered wrote: »

To the OP:
I have worked as a babysitter and au-pair and some of the parents who have tried to recruit me are just unbelievable.. I have worked abroad and never saw the like of it.
It's as if some people think that babysitters are a charity organisation and that there is nothing wrong in going out every single weekend to the wee hours as if they were footloose and fancy free...sure the babysitter won't mind and oh by the way she will babysit for free/a penny....hello reality check!
Ok rant over.......you need to do what I have done in the past: I had a parent who I told straight that I was not gonna babysit for anymore, she then dropped her precious darlings AT MY HOUSE and DROVE OFF!! So I called her mobile(turned-off) and left a message to say " get here, get your kids ASAP or I am calling the local gardai".....kids were collected.
Point being that some people have to have it spelt out for them...this woman is has to be told or she will keep on insisting that you are her baby-sitting servant. Blank her...do not engage in any conversation at all even if the kid is there...no matter where it is.
If she calls you by phone don't answer it, don't return the calls/texts.
I have had to do this with parents,because some of them are dysfunctional and I refuse to be bullied. All the girls at the agencies have had this problem at some stage. If being firm and polite isn't working try the Blanking ok.
Best o' luck

+1
And don't let her guilt you with the kids either.
Some folk just should not have kids - talk about using their children as weapons/tools.

Firetrap

What a wagon! OP, keep saying no. You are not under any obligation whatsoever to babysit. It surely can't be that hard to find another babysitter. This woman obviously believes that you are a soft touch and that if she keeps chipping away that you will say yes. Next time she asks, tell her that it doesn't suit you. I don't want to be horrible but perhaps it's time you cultivated a persona which is less "soft". A steelier self that will stop people like this walking all over you

SarahSassy

The title should read 'I am allowing myself be harrassed'... Just say no....

Taltos

Be clear

Do not say
It doesn't suit - reply will be when does
I am busy - when are you free
Just not this weekend - ok so next weekend
I have plans - change them
I am really tired - I am a mother I need a break and you need to help me
Need to see my friends - Little Timmy misses you horribly - he wants his cuddily-woodily nanny wanny back

So keep it simple
NO

Just keep smiling - do not look sad/ uncertain - look like you don't give a damn & say NO
(Have I said that enough yet )


Just to be extra mean - cause I am of the mind right now... If you get
But I really need help - tell her you will let Social know that she is in such dire straights and just walk away

PK2008

Have you considered telling her to go f*ck herself?

gimme5minutes

OP you have lost countless weekends over the last 4 years that you will never get back. You should've been out enjoying your early twenties because you only get once chance at it. Your life is also a misery and you are constantly stressed out over this. All for what? So you won't fall out with an absolute c*nt of a neighbour? Falling out with her will hardly be any worse than the current situation. She has no problem treating you like a slave at her beck and call so why do you have such a problem telling her where to get off. You need to get angry at this bitch, it'll make it easier to tell her to f*ck off. You really should be angry at her as she has caused alot of unneccessary hassle in your life over a period of several years. You need to snap out of it, wake up and realise what a c*nt she has been and you should be savouring the opportunity to tell her to f*ck off. Seriously SNAP OUT OF IT.

Next time she asks say, 'I am working a full time job and I am not interested in babysitting anymore'. And no matter what argument she gives then keep telling her 'no I am just not interested'. And if she keeps harrassing you, tell her you've tried to be nice but she obvsiously won't listen and that 'you have taken advantage of me long enough and Im not putting up with it anymore and I wont be guiltripped anymore so good luck' and walk off. Nothing wrong with straight out tell her to f*ck off either. End this ludicrous situation now and don't waste the rest of your twenties. If you don't you'll look back in a few years and have serious regrets about all the time you wasted being a slave for some stupid bitch.

The_Conductor

OP- it really sounds as though you don't have the guts to confront her over this. If this is the case (as it seems to be)- the other option open to you- is move...... If your life is such a misery- you have to take action. If you're not willing to tackle this headon- you need to research more obtuse ways of solving your problem.

Schumacher1

Get a little video camera. Then everytime you meet her turn it on and point it at her, delete her texts before you read them.

Dont take this rubbish, stand up for yourself and tell her to F off

CDfm

OP- you sound like a very nice person and its probably why she is doing this.

It means that she can use Emotional Blackmail techniques on you and start all over again. Where is it written that you are her resourse when she wants to go to the pub.

There are ways of dealing with this and put a price on it -that idea of 60 euro an hour is just great.

You can also change your mobile telephone number(telling all your family not to give your number to this woman) or have her number blocked from yours.That may involve making a complaint to the phone providers and guards but what of it.

You will probably be in a queue of people she has fallen out with.

There is a good book Emotional Blackmail by Dr Susan Forward that is for people in your type of situation -its not very deep but explains the techniques she uses and how you can tackle them and is probably available from the library.

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-Susan-Forward/dp/0553505971

Or else you can print out the pages and replies to your post -put them in an envelop addressed to her husband and herself and pop them in her letter box anonymously while you go out to the pub

wasper

stressed.out wrote: »

This is going to be long so apologies.

I wrote about this here in PI in febaury or march and got some great advice but now I'm back to square one and its even worse now.

I'm 26, and about 4 and half years ago I started babysitting for a neighbour. For a long time it was only an odd saturday night but then about 18 months ago my neighbour had a falling out with her mother in law who used to babysit. She then started to rely on me more and more and at one stage tried to book me permanently for saturday nights even though herself and her husband had no major plans. Just the pub. For a some time as well she'd try to book me a week in advance for the following saturday. I used to think she was a nice woman but it took me so long to cop on that she was pure nasty. There was so many times where they totally took advantage of me coming home very late and being quite i would have said nothing.

Started working full time in a job a little ove a year ago. A job that I love despite it being extremely intense with very long working hours. So babysitting at weekends would have been very hard for me and things had to change in that I needed some time to myself at weekends.

Since last winter I started to say no to babysitting more often, but felt I had an obligation to babysit an odd time to keep the peace as neighbours. The woman would often send me on a guilt trip after a nights babysitting, or maybe anytime whenever she'd give me a lift on the road. She'd say things like the child really loves me, and that she only settles with me and that she has noone else to help with babysitting.

Well anyways earlier this year she started to harrass with phone calls and texts messages. She would have contacted me early in the week like a monday afternoon by text message and being so busy with work i wouldn't have time to reply back within the day and by the day was out I would have had a load of missed calls from her.

I got some great advice here a few months back and the night I was due to talk to her a few months ago about not being able to babysit anymore, I swear she knew what was coming when i told her that I needed to talk to her for a few mintutes. Before i got word in she told me that because i was so busy she had sourced another babysitter and that she would still need me sometimes if that was ok. I said that it was. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders that night.

Well I don't know what happened with that babysitter because i'm back at square one and its even worse now. Not only is she harrassing me over the phone for babysitting, shes now coming out from her house whenever I pass and sending me on a guilt trip face to face and in front of the child she'd ask me would i babysit. I need to pass by her house to get to work and in case I get a notion to pull a sickie she, or her husband and child would come out of the house most evenings when I'm walking home and greet me and say something like looking forward to seeing you at the weekend. Its so much more easier turning her down over the phone but now shes using her child to get me to babysit.

Between work and that hag I hadn't a weekend night off in weeks and weeks. The week of the may bank holiday weekend, she contacted me by phone and I texted her to say that I wasn't available for the sunday night of the bank holiday weekend. Well we saw each other out on the saturday night and she cornered me until I said yes for the sunday night.

I need to break away from this cnut without getting a one way ticket abroad or without moving away (can't move away because I'm a carer. Minding a gorgeous child with special needs). All this woman cares about is drink.

Frantic mothers will do anything to get babysitters. I know of a woman that works from home & sends her child to a creche for 3 days a week for few hours has the cheek to question the creche owner when she proposed to shut down the creche for 2 weeks in the summer for a much needed annual holidays.

axel rose

Frantic mothers will do anything to get babysitters. I know of a woman that works from home & sends her child to a creche for 3 days a week for few hours has the cheek to question the creche owner when she proposed to shut down the creche for 2 weeks in the summer for a much needed annual holidays.

Are you being sarcastic? Why is that woman out of line for wondering where her children will go while a "professional" creche shuts up shop for a fortnight? Its a creche not a childminder right?

Firetrap

The woman in the OP's case has been using her to babysit on Saturday nights. Not Saturday nights where they have any plans in particular - just an opportunity to go to the pub. That is very different to a working parent trying to have somewhere safe for their kid to go during the daytime.

CDfm

wasper wrote: »

Frantic mothers will do anything to get babysitters. I know of a woman that works from home & sends her child to a creche for 3 days a week for few hours has the cheek to question the creche owner when she proposed to shut down the creche for 2 weeks in the summer for a much needed annual holidays.

Using the word frantic is not appropriate here to describe that woman. Unreasonable and selfish is and which the OPs abuser also is. There is no excuse for it.

dreamlogic

CDfm wrote:

OP- you sound like a very nice person and its probably why she is doing this.

I agree with this.
But at the same time it's possible to be a nice person and have healthy boundaries and know where to draw the line with people. One of the worst outcomes of this IMO would be for the OP to allow this one bad relationship to make her conclude that she is wrong for being a nice person and feels that she has to resort to the same kind of bitchiness used by the neighbour in order to communicate effectively.
My advice would be don't throw the baby out with the bathwater here(excuse the pun). You don't have to become a bitch yourself in order to deal with someone like that. You can simply say a polite but firm No and eventually she should realise that No means No!
I would say though that this has gone on for too long already and no matter how diplomatically you handle it at this stage, there will probably be an 'atmosphere' there at the least, because she sounds like the sort of person who would not let something go very easily...

I know that what I would do in your situation OP is move out and as far away from this person as possible. You said earlier that this is not an option for you. But I would suggest further exploring those options. You do not need someone like this in your life in any shape or form.

CDfm

dreamlogic wrote: »

I agree with this.

But at the same time it's possible to be a nice person and have healthy boundaries and know where to draw the line with people.

The technique thats being used is obligation and guilt and it is obvious to her (the woman) and her husband that it works.

Now if you look at what would happen if you script it differently.

Say you walk past the house and the hubby comes out with child (the usual technique) and says - we will be seeing you saturday and you will say " No -well I cant because I have a date or will be at a bar-b-q ".

You need to understand that its not about you but its her manipulative way of getting you to do stuff and its about her getting you to do what she wants.

Dealing with her persistance on Saturday night (especially if you plan to stay in) well Im having friends around for lots of drinks and I suppose we could do it at your house.

You might feel you cant resist her but I imagine you can give her an unpallative alternative or if you actually say no just do not turn up.

Its really about reclaiming your Saturday nights for you and whats the worse that can happen -she stays in from the pub looking after her own child??

Nothing bad will happen by calling her bluff even in a callous way.

Dravokivich

i'm guessing her kid is still young and impresionable, next time she throws it on you... throw on them, why won't you stay home on the weekend with your child!

it's too much for you if they try to dump your child on you, dump it striaght back on them...

forget the childs mindset... its for them to worry about not you... hell some day the kid could grow up wondering why you are not there on a Saturday night again...

LegacyUser

hi op,

Thats a terrible situation to be in, you must feel like not going home anymore for fear of bumping into them,

They are really taking your kindness for weakness, I just think you have to spell it out for them in a final way. You have to say no.

If it was me i would state my situation clearly, that i am working full time, also a carer and i have been babysitting for her for a long time now and i need my weekends to myself, im 24 and have a life!!!!


She is manipulating you and getting away with it, you have to stop her and put your own needs first, do you want to go into your adult life being a pushover, confrontation is hard i know but its a learning curve, i have a saying, i can withstand my discomfort for the sake of becoming my own person, that saying helped me get through confrontation,. your only feeling a feeling of anxiety when she corners you, take a deep breath in the moment and be prepared to end your babysitting job for her, you are not being mean to the child by saying no, you ultimately want to be a good role model and not have children see you put your needs last.

You have to muster up the courage to end this. This womans responsibilities should not be yours, look at it like you are a very nice person to everyone but yourself, do you really want to ignore your needs any longer. You have to put yourself first.


Best of luck,

tbh

The next time she asks, you smile, say "I can't, I'm sorry" and just walk away. Don't over-apologise, don't make excuses and end the conversation.

"I Can't, sorry". And then walk away.