Is it too late for me??

LegacyUser

I gather I'm older than a lot of people on this site, however would love to hear your opinions. I'm a "young" 45 year old single female and I have only ever had short term flings throughout my life. I was very shy when I was younger and I have never really felt attractive - I am average looking with a fairly OK figure but I have always found it hard to understand why anybody would find me attractive so automatically distance myself from anybody trying to chat me up. Sex has also been problematic for me, I think because of my confidence issues.

I have few problems in other areas of my life. I have a nice family & a small group of close friends who I enjoy good nights out with. I am told I have a nice personality & a good sense of humour. I am reasonably intelligent & I have always had decent jobs - in work I am outgoing & confident and I dont think anybody would guess I had any issues.
Having had a last failed (due to sex probs) attempt at a relationship in my mid 30's, I decided to just give up & concentrate on my work instead - I threw myself into everything work related and convinced myself that I was happier as a single career woman & that was going to be it for the rest of my life. However in the past year or two I really feel there is something lacking in my life & I regret not having somebody to share it with. This has become more apparent since I became unemployed a few months ago.

My question is - is it too late for me at this stage to tackle this issue and a) find a potential partner & b) sort out my issues with sex? I tried going down the one night stand route recently just to get back out there again & to get over the sex issue, but it really didnt work for me. Does anybody have any opinions or suggestions?
Thanks

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm a "young" 45 year old single female
:
I am average looking with a fairly OK figure
:
I have always found it hard to understand why anybody would find me attractive....

All good so far....just a temporary interruption for my read of that last sentence : you're refreshingly not up yourself thinking that you're God's gift; now go on...

Unregistered wrote: »

I am told I have a nice personality & a good sense of humour.
:
I am reasonably intelligent & I have always had decent jobs - in work I am outgoing & confident

None of us are 100% perfect, but from what I've read above you've got a head-start on lots of women.

Mature, sophisticated and intelligent conversation with an elegant woman doesn't seem bad.

What I would say is that confidence is sexy and appealing; not the OTT over-confidence that you see on in an average drunken 20-something group, but ACTUAL confidence.

So build on that a little; you've a lot going for you.

Best of luck!

Movershaker

Of course it's not too late, you're still young enough to have a whole new life. My mam was your age when my parents split up. She went through a few rough years where I think she may have been depressed, meeting all sorts of assholes. She eventually gave up on men completely, and whaddya know, she met a great guy who is mad about her, a divorcee himself. They're now married and happy as larry.

It sounds like you've got a lot going for you. Just have a bit more faith in yourself. You deserve to have the life you want, so why shouldn't you?

I'm sure it can be tricky meeting someone (bloody hell I'm in my late twenties and haven't met anyone who's rocked my boat in over 3 years!) By now I'm sure you know that meeting people in pubs and clubs is not the way forward. I reckon that in Ireland we should take on the American way of introducing all our single friends to each other. Yeah it's a bit cringeful at the time but there has to be a friend of a friend of a friend out there somewhere! In this day and age there are so many separated men and women out there who are looking for exactly the same thing as you.

So work on that confidence, think positively and who know what will happen. Don't write yourself off just yet! Good luck

ETA: are your problems with sex based on something that happened in your past? Or you just don't think you're very good at it... If it's the latter, I think it's just a matter of meeting someone you feel comfortable with. I had a great sex life with past long term boyfriends, but ever since it's been completely crap because I've haven't known the people well and/or have been drunk! So if I had never had those boyfriends and was basing my feelings about sex on the encounters I've had since I think I'd be pretty insecure and disillusioned about the whole thing.

seanybiker

Liam Byrne wrote: »

All good so far....just a temporary interruption for my read of that last sentence : you're refreshingly not up yourself thinking that you're God's gift; now go on...

First thing I noticed aswell.


Original poster I must say, just going by your post you sound like such a lovely person who has a lot of love to give.
Your only a young one. Plenty of life left in ya.
Dont worry about the sex thing. That will sort itself out when you find the right person. Best of luck.

poss

You're a 45 year old woman and you think it's too late for you?:eek:

You're still a young woman, 45 is no way near being past it. It seems to me that you probably need to extend your social/friends circle...start going out more, to the pub, to events that you wouldn't normally go out to.

You have to make some sort of an effort or Mr.Right won't just appear out of thin air.

I'm a 39 year old guy, i'm in a relationship currently...but if i was single, would it worry me if i met a nice girl who happened to be 45? Not in the slightest. My male friends would be of the same opinion.

Seriously, you're very much a young woman.

Also, the one-night stand route is NOT the way to go.

catratbat

A woman I know had in the last 2/3 years met a new man, was thrilled, going on dates and generally having all the fun flushes of a new relationship.

Sadly he passed away quite suddenly, she was naturally gutted.

A friend met her recently and she was still sad but determined to get back in the saddle and head back out into the world.

She's in her 70's.

Seek professional help for the sex issues, that's what it's there for.

It's never too late to fall in love... Best of Luck

username123

Unregistered wrote: »

My question is - is it too late for me at this stage to tackle this issue and a) find a potential partner & b) sort out my issues with sex?

In short - no. Its never too late. You could start to work on your issues with sex before having a partner, if you feel its a confidence issue then you could see a psychologist or psychotherapist or counseller (you dont give the nature of the issues so just making suggestions - your GP will be best placed to refer you to the correct person).

You could find a partner and when the time is right explain that you have issues with sex that you are working on and that you need to take things slowly.

I can only echo the last poster - seek professional help. You sound like you have a lot to offer, there is no need to be lonely - you get what you settle for in life and we only have one shot at it so make the most of it.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Wantobe

I have a family friend who, all his life, was the pal, the one who was 'good for a laugh', but who never had a real girlfriend. His social life revolved around going out with the lads for a few pints at the weekend, and as he is a farmer, he really didn't have any interaction with women at all other than neighbours and family. When he reached his 40s ( probably before that) he kind of gave up on the idea of ever meeting someone. He gained a lot of weight and resigned himself to a life alone.

Then one day it was like he had an epiphany- his life did not have to be lived alone, unless he himself did nothing about it. I was about 15 years younger than him at the time and used to be out clubbing with my friends. Suddenly I saw him at every nightclub, the local rugby club, all the local socials. He would deliberately go out, trying to meet someone. He used to go around and chat up everyone and anyone( including my friends). If someone would dance with him he'd practically ask for a date there and then...

All of his friends mocked him, it was a little embarrassing. But who's laughing now? He is married to a gorgeous girl, he has three children and he is happy as larry. He is one of my favourite people and really an inspiration. The only thing that was holding him back was a fear of looking foolish or rejection. Well he got plenty of that, I know for sure. But he also got what he was hoping for, cause he never gave up.

Don't give up!

Otis Driftwood

Hi OP,just to mirror what everyone else has said,it is never too late!!!

One thing though I would suggest (for yourself) and as catratbat said,that you go and have a chat with a professional about your issue with sex,especially if you feel its the reason your last relationship failed.You are only 45 so there is no reason in the world why you cant or shouldnt have a fulfilling relationship and everything that brings with it.Hell its not even too late to start a family with the right person,if thats what you would want to do of course.

Best of luck to you.

cock robin

Firstly dont be blue. We all carry a suitcase of issues around with us. Packed and ready to go. 45 aint old and problems of a sexual nature are treatable. Relationships are a bit like lobster pots they are easy to get into but a cnut of a thing to get out of if things go wrong. The right guy will come along just be sure you recognise the signs. Be happy with you first before you do anything. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Quick question..ladies should know the answer but guys too may have experiences /comments to add...

Im in my early 40's divorced..10 months ago met a fab lady also divorced 40's..within a couple of months I had moved in and we had been discussing me buying house for us and her kids..all was FAB until a few weeks back when an ex appeared on scene and we split this week after a few weeks of 'issues' where she was 'confused' and needed her 'space'. Im gutted.. was totally in love, committed and would have done anything to create a happy future together...

Now she tells me I was never her type, that I wanted too much of her, that she's too independent for me, that I crowded her etc etc...she seemed to only be happy when out drinking and mingling whereas I can take it or leave it..enjoy good nights out but dont live for them ..

Im very kind generous loving trust worthy considerate - you're typical 'nice guy' .. her ex is the opposite..wild, smokes hash continually, party boy, always on the go etc etc

Why is it that girls want the 'bad guy'...I would have imagined that in one's 40's girls would seek stability security committment etc etc...

So basically is there any hope of me finding a nice girl who values a nice guy and would wish to settle down or do girls only ever want bad guys??
Maybe Im trying too hard...or choosing the wrong girls??

Comments please.....

LegacyUser

Hi all

I'm just gone 40 and like the op single.. Was in a relationship for 10 years that split up three years ago..... I'd love to meet someone and am really over my ex.... took a couple of years but am good to meet someone now...... have gone out to town a good few times over the last couple of months as I reckon I wont meet any one in own apartment or in any of my pals houses.....So sorry for babbling on but was just wondering where do the 40's people socialise ..... when i was in a couple i never noticed how young the age group can be in town but I suppose when you feel like a sore thumb out there you notice it more ............ OP, you will of course find a companion, i firmly believe i will...... just be yourself ... we just need to assess where and when lol!!! ......... I also think maybe some councilling could be good.... put it this way I dont think it could do any harm...... Best of luck.....

LegacyUser

Hi to the OP

I can relate to you completely. I'm in my early 40's and split from a long term boyfriend this year because of sexual incompatibility. I didn't want sex with him but he wanted sex with me! I'm disillusioned and worried that I'll never be able to meet anyone I can have a full, companionable and loving relationship with.

You mention sex issues without elaborating. Perhaps being more specific and less ambiguous about what those issues are may help other people on the board to offer support and constructive feedback?

For instance my issues with sex stem from my family background - sex or in fact any form of love, affection or intimacy was taboo in my family. My parents never showed affection to one another or to me. I was never held or hugged or shown any love or told that I was loved. Emotions were never expressed. My mother used to regularly complain of a sore "wee" when I was a child and my much older sister happened to mention that my mom had told her she never liked sex. As a youngster I was determined to be nothing like my uptight mother so that, coupled with my complete lack of validation and attention or love, drove me into the arms of a much older boyfriend who at the age of thirteen convinced me that I should have sex with him. It wasn't warm, affectionate or loving and when in hurt me (with an intense burning sensation) and I made sounds of pain I couldn't understand why he didn't stop. He said afterward that he thought the sounds meant I was enjoying it. It was completely in darkness so he couldn't see my face but then perhaps he'd have interpreted my look of pain as one of ecstacy!!! So I had an inauspicous introduction to sexuality and an experience that I would love to erase from my memory but can't, although I seldom think of it consciously it's obviously still there deep down.

I've tried having relationships with many people, I even married once (he complained that I was frigid in a particularly insensitive moment). I'm not frigid in the literal sense of the word. I can feel sexual pleasure and come to orgasm but just being that close and intimate and vulnerable with another human being is something I find very hard because no-one was ever loving in any way to me I'm not a very tactile person and don't like feeling that I have to live up to people's expectations of intimacy.

I've reached a stage now where I feel there's no hope for me and need to resign myself to remaining single for the rest of my life.

Is this anything like your experience or are your sexual issues different to mine? Airing them and giving others the opportunity to comment may help and I'm hoping will also be the case for me.