I am pregnant

LegacyUser

posting this here because i dont know where to go or what to do. i am a 16 yo girl and my bf is 19. we are going out 8 months and started having full sex around christmas, most times with condoms but some times i let him go inside me without one if he promised to pull out in time. yeah, dumb i know, don't need to be told that.

well i missed my period and found out yesterday i am pregnant after i took two pregnancy tests. took another this morning, same result. i am so scared now and my bf is totally freaking out. he says he wants me to have an abortion in England and says i cant tell anbody i am pregnant (not even my mam) because he will get done by the guards for having sex with an under-age girl. i am so upset and confused, i cant stop crying and cant sleep. please help.

Xiney

Whatever you decide to do, it should be your decision.

Depending on where you are located there are non-judgemental crisis pregnancy advice services available.

ak27

No harm in checking out the website Xiney just posted. Also check out http://www.cura.ie . Don't let they guy pressure you into making a decision your not comfortable with. If you want to keep the baby by all means do. Do you have any close friends and family members you can talk to this about?

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

bobmalooka

Your boyfriend needs to be more supportive,its not the end of the world and dont let him rush you into doing something you might regret in a couple of years.

Dont be afraid to ask for help, let us know how your doing maybe other posters can give you further advice

Piste

Oh god I feel so sorry for you


I can completely understand why you might need to keep it from your parents, you had consensual sex but unfortunately the courts don't see it like that.

First of all what do you want? You have to either decide to have the baby or not. If you don't want the baby and want an abortion do you have the money for it betwen yourself and your boyfriend? If you don't then you're going to have to ask your parents for it if your boyfriend can't come up with it, which means telling them. If you can afford to have an abortion then you can do it without telling your parents. I'm not advising for or against, I'm just saying you can if you want.

That's option 1, abortion. Option 2 is adoption. This will obviously mean following through with the pregnancy and telling your parents.

Option 3 is having the baby. Again, if you go down this route you have to tell your parents.

The most important thing to do at this stage is decide what you want to do. If you decide on an abortion, do it sooner rather than later as you might not need a surgical abortion depending on how pregnant you are.

If you decide to continue with the pregnancy then you'll have to tell your parents, I'm sure they'll be as supportive as possible and try to help you in every way.

I'm not going to tell you what you should do, as everyone's circumstances are different, I can just say what I'd do in your situation (I'm 18 so pretty close in age). If it were me I'd book the tickets to England immediately and have the abortion as soon as possible, not a word would be said to anyone other than my boyfriend. You might feel differently though and may not agree with abortion.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you!

Victor

This is not the end of the world.

Pregnant girl wrote: »

i am so scared now

There is no need to be, while you might expect your parents will be upset, many of them understand that these things happen.

he says he wants me to have an abortion in England and says i cant tell anbody i am pregnant ... because he will get done by the guards for having sex with an under-age girl.

This is him protecting him. It is not him protecting you. Unless you or your parents make a complaint to the Garda, there is no certainty in him being prosecuted.

not even my mam

You have a perfect right to tell your parents. If you feel you need support, perhaps talk to a friend or aunt or teacher that you can trust first and then go to your parents.

Victor

Piste wrote: »

Option 2 is adoption.

There is also option 2a of fostering until you decide whether you want to keep the baby or have it adopted.

Piste

I didn't know you could do that, cool

Boston

Pregnant girl wrote: »

posting this here because i dont know where to go or what to do. i am a 16 yo girl and my bf is 19. we are going out 8 months and started having full sex around christmas, most times with condoms but some times i let him go inside me without one if he promised to pull out in time. yeah, dumb i know, don't need to be told that.

well i missed my period and found out yesterday i am pregnant after i took two pregnancy tests. took another this morning, same result. i am so scared now and my bf is totally freaking out. he says he wants me to have an abortion in England and says i cant tell anbody i am pregnant (not even my mam) because he will get done by the guards for having sex with an under-age girl. i am so upset and confused, i cant stop crying and cant sleep. please help.

I can see why he wants you to keep it a secret, but do you want to? If you have an abortion, you're the one who'll live with the consequences what ever they may be. You shouldn't be cutting off your support for his sake. Your mum loves you and that love is unconditional.

Xiney wrote: »

Whatever you decide to do, it should be your decision.

Depending on where you are located there are non-judgemental crisis pregnancy advice services available.

Really? A 16 year old? It seems the decision is going to be her boyfriends.

Hagar

Listen to Victor, he talks a lot of sense.

Nevyn

Yes it is her choice at 16 she can to consent ot any medical consultancy and proceedures.

There are lots of options, you need to talk about them with someone who will help you plan what to do when you make a choice, be it to become a mum, to have the child fostered, or adopted or to not continue the pregnancy.

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/index.php


You are 16 and if you refuse to press charges or help proscute your bf then nothing will happen to him so really, tell the people you need to help you and will support you.

Boston

Thaedydal wrote: »

Yes it is her choice at 16 she can to consent ot any medical consultancy and proceedures.

There are lots of options, you need to talk about them with someone who will help you plan what to do when you make a choice, be it to become a mum, to have the child fostered, or adopted or to not continue the pregnancy.

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/index.php


You are 16 and if you refuse to press charges or help proscute your bf then nothing will happen to him so really, tell the people you need to help you and will support you.

I'm not a legal expert but isn't parental permission required for a minor to travel abroad, as in to England? If her boyfriend were to bring her to England for an abortion wouldn't that be child abduction? I've tried to find the age requirement for being able to travel without parental permission and I can't find it. I do recall having to get something signed myself but I may have been 15 at the time.

Nevyn

Boston wrote: »

I'm not a legal expert but isn't parental permission required for a minor to travel abroad, as in to England? If her boyfriend were to bring her to England for an abortion wouldn't that be child abduction? I've tried to find the age requirement for being able to travel without parental permission and I can't find it. I do recall having to get something signed myself but I may have been 15 at the time.

Honestly at this stage such possible legal problems are jumping the gun and not helpful.

The OP should talk to an adult she trust and/or someone from the crises pregnancy agency and they will work with her so she can figure out what she wants to do.

aoibhebree

Hi OP, hope you're holding up OK, I'm eight years older than you and would still be absolutely terrified in your position.

As an earlier poster said, your boyfriend is looking out for his own interests - not yours. Therefore his opinion is obviously going to be biased, so please don't make any rash decisions based on it. Having said that, it may just be his initial knee-jerk reaction and he might come round soon and be more helpful.

You know your parents - you must have some idea of what their reaction will be like, and what their advice is likely to be. If you genuinely think they'll freak, and try to prosecute your boyfriend or whatever, then there might be a teacher or guidance counsellor in your school you can talk to in confidence? But you need to talk to someone impartial. Cura or the Samaritans etc if there's no-one you know that might help. And bear in mind your parents will probably be a lot more understanding and supportive than you expect.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do xx

LegacyUser

hi, this is me again. thanks to everybody for the advice, especially to piste for her really helpful long post. just to respond to some of the points, i was raised a catholic but i am still pro-choice, as in i don't believe a woman should have to have a baby if she really doesn't want to or can't manage, and i think these are personal decisions, not decisions of the priests.

easy to say, though, harder to make the choice when it happens to you, as in hard to imagine how i will live for the rest of my life with the decision. but i dont see practically speaking how i can bring a little baby into the world right now. i am still in secondary school and my bf is unemployed and is down to 100 euro a week dole after the budget.

neither of us have much money, we are just scraping by. my mam and dad don't have a lot either, plus they are raising 4 of us, me the eldest down to my 5-yo little brother. my dad is a Driving Instructor and his hours are back due to the recession. i dont feel like i can add another baby to the house when things are tight and i really want to do my Leaving and go on to do Civil Engineering if i can make it. so i suppose i have a lot to think about.

i don't want to complain about my bf to the guards of course. i love him and i had sex with him because i love him. it was as much my fault as his that this happened, as in i was fully aware of what we were doing and its not like i am some little child that he took advantage of. he is just freaked out about being put in jail or being classed a peadophile and put on the sex offenders list. he says he'd never be able to show his face again or get a job

about having money to go to england, i have some savings but i don't know how much i would need or how long i would need to be away. i have never been out of the country before. and if my mam and dad don't know about me being pregnant, how am i supposed to explain being away? can i go and come back on the same day? i could say i am staying at my best friends house for 1 night and she would cover for me i know, but thats about it.

Mr Benevolent

Good luck OP, but tell your parents or someone who's been through it before you act. Don't bother listening to the boyfriend, he's just panicking.

bobmalooka

Piste wrote: »

, I can just say what I'd do in your situation (I'm 18 so pretty close in age). If it were me I'd book the tickets to England immediately and have the abortion as soon as possible, not a word would be said to anyone other than my boyfriend.

Anyways the best advice is to talk to the experts mentioned in some of the threads above. Make the decision to suit your needs, your boyfriend is being very selfish and is probably scared of responsability.

Lou.m

Thaedydal wrote: »

Honestly at this stage such possible legal problems are jumping the gun and not helpful.

The OP should talk to an adult she trust and/or someone from the crises pregnancy agency and they will work with her so she can figure out what she wants to do.

Here here.

You need to talk to somone who is just there for you and is nuetral.

They can answer your legal questions should you have any.

And even just talking can help you get things straight in your own head.

You can leave your boyfreind anonymous.

However it has to be siad it sounds as if he is manipulating you.

If you cant talk to anyone you are more inclined to listen to him and feel no one else is there for you.

He is older you say? I dont know by how much but it is possible he is the more powerful character in the relationship and is using this.

The most important thing here is not him but you.

Talk to someone you wont be able to keep it a secret it will not be possible it will come out.

And you will be surprised at how people can be understanding.

You will feel better if you talk to someone.

For most girls this is their Mom not for all but for most...... talk to an expert ..... but you mentioned your Mon in your post and i get the sense you want to talk to her...THIS IS NATURAL :-) of course you want to talk to her ..and you should talk to her i think it would be the best thing if you feel you want to.....

As for your boyfriend dont think about him right now ......his role in your life at the moment is emphasised because he is the only one you have told ....and he is the only one you can talk to....but his opinion is just one and he is an adult he can look after himself..you need help and care now!!!

ANd you need support and i dont think he sounds like or you feel like he is giving it to you.

As i said it sounds from the way you wrote in your op that you want deperatel to tell your Mom ....she was the only ohter person you mentioned.

Your instincts are right!!

Talk to an adult ..talk to a doctor whatever.

Your boyfriend knows that if you dont get to talk to anyone you are more likely to do what he says.... i am sorry but i dont think his anxiety over what will happen legally is his only motivation.

I think he is worried others might give you room and support to make your own decision.

Anyway you have a right to tell who you like.

He will not seem so important in five years whereas this decision will still seem vital make the right one only you can.

If it is right for you going to England will be a lot easier with proper support there from people who love you :-)

Anyway think about it ..what is going to happen ...he is going to take you without your parents knowing???? They wont guess??? They wont sense something is up?? Of course they will??

It sounds as if you really wnat to tell your Mom ..i could be wrong but if you do then tell her Hooney she loves you.

If you feel you want to tell someone nuetral and someone who does not know you or a stranger that can advise you then contact somewhere mentioned above.

But i think you would be better served going with you mother or yourself rather than your boyfriend because it sounds like he is influencing your behavour and manipulating you in a way that is distressing you by isolating you from your support and you family.

That is something controlling people do.

I dont mean to judge him but that is just the way i see it:o

That is not waht you need right now!!

So tell someone else i have a feeling it will free you up to make your own mind up and have your support there FOR YOU!!!!

So as i said if you want to tell your Mom do ..or someone else you feel comfortable with. You need that support right now!:o

I really feel for you and remember whatever decision you make it is yours and i wish you much love and whatever happens it is not the end of the world HUN:)

You poor thing going thorugh this on your own!!

Piste

bobmalooka wrote: »

I presume you dont know anyone who has aborted before going by your cavaleir approach

Not anyone who's talked about it anyway, it's not generally something that's shouted about. I'm sure it's possible that some friends have had abortions but have kept it private.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Boston

Pregnant girl wrote: »

hi, this is me again. thanks to everybody for the advice, especially to piste for her really helpful long post. just to respond to some of the points, i was raised a catholic but i am still pro-choice, as in i don't believe a woman should have to have a baby if she really doesn't want to or can't manage, and i think these are personal decisions, not decisions of the priests.

easy to say, though, harder to make the choice when it happens to you, as in hard to imagine how i will live for the rest of my life with the decision. but i dont see practically speaking how i can bring a little baby into the world right now. i am still in secondary school and my bf is unemployed and is down to 100 euro a week dole after the budget.

neither of us have much money, we are just scraping by. my mam and dad don't have a lot either, plus they are raising 4 of us, me the eldest down to my 5-yo little brother. my dad is a Driving Instructor and his hours are back due to the recession. i dont feel like i can add another baby to the house when things are tight and i really want to do my Leaving and go on to do Civil Engineering if i can make it. so i suppose i have a lot to think about.

i don't want to complain about my bf to the guards of course. i love him and i had sex with him because i love him. it was as much my fault as his that this happened, as in i was fully aware of what we were doing and its not like i am some little child that he took advantage of. he is just freaked out about being put in jail or being classed a peadophile and put on the sex offenders list. he says he'd never be able to show his face again or get a job

about having money to go to england, i have some savings but i don't know how much i would need or how long i would need to be away. i have never been out of the country before. and if my mam and dad don't know about me being pregnant, how am i supposed to explain being away? can i go and come back on the same day? i could say i am staying at my best friends house for 1 night and she would cover for me i know, but thats about it.

So you plan would be to have a major medical procedure, travel and then not tell anyone about it. You don't sound like a mature woman capable of making her own decision. Leaving aside the fact you shouldn't fly after an operation, what happens if there's a complication after you get home? Nobody is going to know about the abortion so no one is going to be able to tell the doctors what's wrong. Except perhaps your boyfriend. Can you rely on him to potentially land himself in prison to save your life?

Lets say that doesn't happen. What exactly do you think an abortion is? It's not something you just do and then get over in 24 hours like a bad hangover. You should be counselled before and after the abortion.

Theres a lot of talk about decisions, and it being yours. It is! You should make it. If you want to have a bady then have it, if not don't, don't. But please don't use your parents domestic situation as an excuse when you haven't even given them the chance to voice an opinion, its completely unfair.

As an aside, it looks like you can travel at 16.

bobmalooka

not trying to have a go or anything piste, I used to have a similar attitude myself but the only two people I know to have had abortions are haunted by it and both were pressurised by older boyfriends to do it,of course it is the right option for some people but a girl of her age can be very easily influenced by others especially by people of similar age so impartial advice by experts is needed before making any choice

Lou.m

Pregnant girl wrote: »

hi, this is me again. thanks to everybody for the advice, especially to piste for her really helpful long post. just to respond to some of the points, i was raised a catholic but i am still pro-choice, as in i don't believe a woman should have to have a baby if she really doesn't want to or can't manage, and i think these are personal decisions, not decisions of the priests.

easy to say, though, harder to make the choice when it happens to you, as in hard to imagine how i will live for the rest of my life with the decision. but i dont see practically speaking how i can bring a little baby into the world right now. i am still in secondary school and my bf is unemployed and is down to 100 euro a week dole after the budget.

neither of us have much money, we are just scraping by. my mam and dad don't have a lot either, plus they are raising 4 of us, me the eldest down to my 5-yo little brother. my dad is a Driving Instructor and his hours are back due to the recession. i dont feel like i can add another baby to the house when things are tight and i really want to do my Leaving and go on to do Civil Engineering if i can make it. so i suppose i have a lot to think about.

i don't want to complain about my bf to the guards of course. i love him and i had sex with him because i love him. it was as much my fault as his that this happened, as in i was fully aware of what we were doing and its not like i am some little child that he took advantage of. he is just freaked out about being put in jail or being classed a peadophile and put on the sex offenders list. he says he'd never be able to show his face again or get a job

about having money to go to england, i have some savings but i don't know how much i would need or how long i would need to be away. i have never been out of the country before. and if my mam and dad don't know about me being pregnant, how am i supposed to explain being away? can i go and come back on the same day? i could say i am staying at my best friends house for 1 night and she would cover for me i know, but thats about it.

Ok after reading this i say
TELL YOUR PARENTS!!

It is not as much your fault as his he is an adult! Technically anyway!

He knew the risks about having sex with you when you are underage he took them.

No one is suggesting you go to the guards if you dont want to and you dont have to.

I have a feeling he will be fine.
Why not tell your parents??

He is manipulating you and you should not be thinking about his situation right now it was his look out not yours.

He knew the risks of having a grilfriend your age.

I am sorry but he is using your feelings about him and they fact that he is the only person you can talk to if you tell no one to save his own ass!

Which is stupid.

He will not face anything if you do not charge him yourself.

I feel people on here are slightly pussy footing because we dont want you to become defensive about your boyfriend and actually do what he says without telling anyone else.

You need another opinion.

But seriously he has way to much influence over you if you are doing what he says as regards who you tell..why is that his decision??

Its yours !

Nevyn

Pregnant girl wrote: »

i don't want to complain about my bf to the guards of course. i love him and i had sex with him because i love him. it was as much my fault as his that this happened, as in i was fully aware of what we were doing and its not like i am some little child that he took advantage of. he is just freaked out about being put in jail or being classed a peadophile and put on the sex offenders list. he says he'd never be able to show his face again or get a job

He is freaking out about nothing tbh if he was that concerned about what would be said about him having sex with you then frankly he should not have been.

Pregnant girl wrote: »

about having money to go to england, i have some savings but i don't know how much i would need or how long i would need to be away. i have never been out of the country before. and if my mam and dad don't know about me being pregnant, how am i supposed to explain being away? can i go and come back on the same day? i could say i am staying at my best friends house for 1 night and she would cover for me i know, but thats about it.

Yes in some cases you can go over and come back the same day,
but that is not the end of you will need to take it easy and rest up for the 48 hours afterward.

Please get in touch with postiveoptions and book yourself in for a crises pregnancy session they will refer you to a bpas clinic if that is what you want and give you all the details you need about the cost, travel, what you would need to bring with you and the recovery.

Nevyn

bobmalooka if you want to dicussion the topic of abortion in general then please start a thread in humanities.

Please keep the replies on topic and respectful of the op's choice any posts trying to sway her will be deemed off topic to this thread.

Boston

donegalfella wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Not that it's relevant, but the point wasn't about accompaniment to travel, it was about parental permission to leave the state. I honestly don't know enough about it to comment on whether or not a child needs it to go to the UK. I think it's probably very unusual for someone under 16 to travel without parents company, it could well be you'd officially need it for going to the north but in practice it never happens. The only reason I brought it up is because I recall needing permission on school trips and it being an official form.

Nevyn

Boston wrote: »

So you plan would be to have a major medical procedure, travel and then not tell anyone about it. You don't sound like a mature woman capable of making her own decision. Leaving aside the fact you shouldn't fly after an operation,

Thousands of women do this every year.

Boston wrote: »

what happens if there's a complication after you get home? Nobody is going to know about the abortion so no one is going to be able to tell the doctors what's wrong. Except perhaps your boyfriend. Can you rely on him to potentially land himself in prison to save your life?

The op will be issued a cert and other medical documents if she does have the proceedure which she will have to give to any medical professional should the need arise.

Please no scare mongering.

Boston wrote: »

You should be counselled before and after the abortion.

The UK's medical proceedures are such she will have to have to counselling consultions before any possible termination.

Boston wrote: »

Theres a lot of talk about decisions, and it being yours. It is! You should make it. If you want to have a bady then have it, if not don't, don't. But please don't use your parents domestic situation as an excuse when you haven't even given them the chance to voice an opinion, its completely unfair.

Family circumstance often factor into a person's choice I know mine did when I was a teen.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation.

Firstly, there are 3 different types of abortions depending on how far along you are. I would suggest you contact Marie Stopes immediately. They will let you know the cost, the types of procedures and they can book it all for you. They also provide an aftercare service.

If you are very early on you don't need to have a surgical procedure at all - they just give you tablets. You can go over the same day and back.

I think you sound very level-headed -- you understand the implications of bringing a child into this world when you're young, broke and also have your whole life to lead.

Don't rush into talking to your parents yet. Contact positive options and Marie Stopes first to get all the info you need.

Good luck.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Nevyn

Pregnant girl again please get in touch with postiveoptions they will be able to refer you on to someone who will be able to answer all your questions.

I am closing this thread before it descends into unhelpful arguing and debating.