Counselling - advise please

sheaser

hi there, i'm a regular lurker on this site but this is my first post. I'll cut a long story very short... i come from what i would call a dysfunctional family. I have more or less completely blocked out my childhood and have little or no relationship with my siblings or my parents. We don't not get on but we are not close and wouldn't be in touch unless we meet at my folks house. My father drank alot when we were younger. He worked and held down a job but drank with colleagues straight from work every day and drove home drunk. He worked shift and so if he finished at 2pm he would spend the afternoon in the pub and arrive home about 8pm polluted drunk. My mum would spend the evening watching out the window for him having cooked dinner for him.There were constant fights in my family home, my mum crying, my brothers in trouble for whatever reason. My father wasn't physically abusive but he mentally abused my mother for years. My mum tried her best to rare us while he lived in his drunken bubble. He was never there for us for school plays, parent teacher meetings etc. Drinking was the most important thing in his life. My siblings and I spend our time fighting and grew up not getting on at all and with no relationship with our parents.

I'm 37 now and i blame my father for how our family has turned out. It's like we are strangers rared under the same roof. My mum has been the back bone or our family and still is. My father thankfully only drinks on a Friday or Saturday night now socially with my mum but unfortunately irrepareable damage has been done to our family.

I feel so annoyed with my father and can't shake the feeling and move on. When i visit our family home, i get in serious bad form the very second i walk in the door and can't shake it and end up grunting at my parents when they make conversation, in particular my father. I don't think i've ever sat and actually had a conversation with my parents in my adult life.

I'm wondering if i went for counselling is this something that i could get help with. I'm 37 now and really don't want to spend the rest of my days not getting on with my family. This anger and frustration over my family background holds me back from connecting with people. I'm single and feel i will never meet anyone who i can openly talk to and about my dysfunctional family that will understand and as a result i have closed myself off from people, dating etc. I work and have lots of friends but i don't properly connect with people and have not told any of my friends about my messed up family background. It seems mine is so different to anyone elses i know and i feel i will be judged. I also lack confidence and can be quite shy ths is also down to my up bringing no praise ever given just constantly shouted at by frustrated mother and always hiding in my room from my drunken father.

I may not have explained this very well but that's the basic outline of my story and i would appreciate your advice on counselling. Is it something you would recommend? Is my story something that would warrant counselling? Not sure whether i'm nuts to even think of counselling although i do definitely have to do something.
Thanks for reading.
Me.

Nevyn

I dont think you are nuts at all, you do seemt to have unresolves issues about what happened when you were growing up and it's good that you are aware of them and want to do something about them.

Couselling could well work for you as could a support group, unfortunatly there are many peole who grew up having to deal with a parents drinking effecting them and the family home.

there are al anon meeting and adult children of alcholics meets all over the country,
http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/
http://www.adultchildren.org/

randylonghorn

What Thaed said. ^

Counselling and / or a support group is likely to help. There are many many people out there with similar stories to tell, unfortunately.

Also it strikes me that you have a lot of sympathy for what your mother went through, and for her always "trying her best" to bring you up. While you know she shouted at you at times, and may have found it hard to be positive and to praise, you understand that she was treated very badly by your father when he was drunk and that she was constantly frustrated and stressed.

Why not begin by trying to strengthen your relationship with her?

You say the home house brings back bad memories, and you go into "grunt" mode. So why not take her out of the house? The summer is coming up, and hopefully we will get a few decent days. Why not take her for a drive, or a walk, or a picnic? ... somewhere where there will just be the two of you, and it will be quiet and peaceful.

And don't go with the agenda that you will have a big serious chat the first time and sort it all out. It's unlikely enough, it will take time by the sounds of it to open the doors of meaningful communication.

Go with the attitude that you are going to spend a few quality hours with your mother. Let the serious chat happen when it feels right and natural.

faceman

Counselling could be very helpful. Rather than repeating what the peeps above have said, just bear in mind if you do go to counselling, it will take a number of sessions to resolve issues, even months.

Counsellors tend to break down your issues, by breaking an individual down and building you back up again. Some sessions are tough but overall with a good counsellor, its always worth it if someone has problems they cant deal with themselves.

Best of luck.

sheaser

Hey, thank you for your repliles/advices.

randylonghorn - you're right i do feel so sorry for my mum and the life she has endured with dad & what's worse is my siblings and i tend to be quite short with her too and none of this is her fault. It's like she's our punchbag for his mistakes. Anyway, will take next step and look up a counsellor and see how it goes.

Thanks again everyone & enjoy the sunny bank hol!