Is it wrong to completely distance myself from family?

rohe

ok, i'll try and keep it short
basically i am 29 years old,female and have had alot of issues in my family,i havent seen most of my family for the best part of 7 months, they dont have any interest as such in my life and when i did keep in touch i just kept ear ache about their problems and crap

so the one person i keep in touch with is my mam, just to show my face and show that i'm alive,but i find myself getting more and more irritated by her and her behaviour, basically when i call to her she just goes on about the rest of my family, how good they are or at times she runs the back of the rest of them, but basically she is just a me me me person, her life, her health her house, her problems, no interest in me, the only question i get is " are you working?, and when i am working, the next question is " are you still there and did you pack it in yet?, its just constant put downs

so i have decided to distance myself completely from them, as in just cut them outta of my life, for my own mental sake and piece of mind, i finally made steps to get myself counselling and get my head sorted for all the issues that i have, but i feel that they (my family) are holding me back, that they just make me into this angry, bitter, person

so the big question i ask is am i being selfish here just walking away from them

any advice appreciated

partyguinness

I think you have answered the question yourself.

They make you unhappy, bitter etc then get away. You are 29 and your own women. We all have enough crap going on in our lives without listening to other peoples negativity and bull****.

Do whats best for yourself and dont feel one bit guilty about it. At the end of the day..you are responsible for your own happiness and well being.

rohe

thanks for the advice, it makes sense, think i was just looking for reassurances that i'm doing the right thing.

thanks

ANGEM

If your happier without them in your life then its the right way to go I know its not easy after all your family are supposed to be part of your life but sometimes your better off letting go I know I was and am. I hadn't spoken to any of my family for eight years when they contacted me I gave them a chance but nothing had changed so I walked away and closed the door and I will never open it again. It's hard to do but I found it harder to have them in my life

shellyboo

rohe wrote: »

so the big question i ask is am i being selfish here just walking away from them

any advice appreciated

Yes, it's selfish - but it's ok to be selfish sometimes. You have to look out for yourself if these people are having such a negative effect on your life.

It's ok not to be the bigger person sometimes... do what's best for you.

LegacyUser

I think you are right to distance yourself and it is a brave move to make. Its your life and you deserve to be happy, if your family are causing you to be more unhappy than happy then walk away and have a good life for yourself. It is very unlikely that they will change at this stage.

LegacyUser

I wonder how many respondents have kids ??
theres a big difference as when you have them losing them under any circumstances must be very hard to take. doesn't really matter about siblings but you have to stop and think of a parents perspective. sure they may be a pain and rave on about others or themselves but if you effectively cut them loose then its a semi bereavement they are facing and not one where the gods played a role ie. some unfortunate accident taking a life etc. but one where the son/daughter willing walked away.

i would say from a parents perspective and probably with the eyes of an older person ( I am only 35 but know of an instance where this happened ) this would be an event that would hurt them to the grave.

perhaps when you would look back on what you did when your 50 or 60 you would then wish to turn back the clock and do it differently.

ANGEM

OP it doesnt sound like this is something your doing lightly its hard for people to understand how anyone can walk away from their family but some people don't deserve to be called Mother or Father !!

counselling is defininately the right way to go i know its not easy but keep going and the best of luck with it. you need to do whats right for you don't let people make you feel guilty its your life not theirs.

hepcat

I would suggest that you dont cut off contact with your family, at least until you have tried counselling. From what you've said they talk about their problems with you, whats wrong with that? All families do that, and believe me all families take you for granted from time to time. However they are your family and they love you. Don't throw that away because you're angry and bitter.

username123

I did it and Ive never regretted it - both my parents are dead now but I was estranged from them for a number of years before they died. I have one sibling who I have cut contact with - my life is far less stressful as a result.

My family were bad news to be around - a lot of issues, unacceptable behaviours, negative energy, bullying, alcoholism (father), put downs, aggression etc....

Sometimes the decisions that are best for you as a person are the ones that are hardest to make. It wasnt the easy road for me to cut contact, it was very difficult and I had to deal with a lot of guilt and upset over it. But the end result was a much happier and healthier life for me.

cufroige

I would say stick with the counselling, be more assertive with your family. I wouldn't 'walk away' even if they drive you nuts. There will come situations where you will have to 'face them' and if you have burned your bridges you will have no standing, (by no standing I mean you will be an easy target for their bitterness) as opposed to someone who has remained strong & confident in spite of your family. Are you going to turn your back on every unpleasantness in life? You will not grow, you will not learn.

I'm not saying 'suck it up' I'm not saying be a martyr. I'm not saying take the crap. Just be yourself, be better than that! Don't alienate yourself because bitter people, even your own blood, will never see that you did what you did for your own reasons or protection. They will never recognise or acknowledge that THEY are the reason for your distance, they will hold you to blame, belittle you & just add more negative **** to your worries. In my opinion that is. Hey, maybe you can even teach them something! Find a way of dealing with your difficult family, especially your mother.
Protect yourself that way. And as another poster said, you will not look back with regret 20+ years from now.

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission"...
Eleanor Roosevelt.

cufroige

Just Read your OP.... You've already made your decision, sorry, forget the advise.

The answer from me is no I don't think you are being selfish in the horrible way, you are being selfish in a positive way.

Good luck x

metaoblivia

OP, sometimes you have to do what's best for you. It seems as if you've already made your decision, and from the sounds of it, good on you.
You may regret distancing yourself from them 20 years from now, but on the flip side, if you don't distance yourself, 20 years from now, you may also regret having allowed such poison into your life for so long. I had a grandmother I completely cut out of my life 10 years ago. She died last Christmas and I don't regret cutting her out of my life at all. If anything, I wish I could have done it sooner.

who_ru

i tent to agree with partyguiness on this one.

we only have one life - if those closest to us cause us nothing but grief & aggrevation then under those circumstances i think it is correct to walk away.

but bear in mind life is not black & white and cutting them off for a while is just that. the OP needs time & space away from her family - i think the she is learning more about how to be good to herself - she has identified a source of unhappiness in her life is is trying to deal with it. awareness is key.

:|

I wouldn't, you never know when you might need a kidney.

deisemum

OP I think you're doing the right thing for you.

It's years since I had any contact with my mother and some siblings, still have contact with some but it was the best thing for me, my hubby and my own children to cut the toxic family members out of my life. My only regret was not doing it sooner. The stress is gone so my life is much better for my hubby and children as well as myself.

I'm almost 45, have a teenager and preteen so can think as a parent and I have a busy and fulfilling peaceful life as it is now that I no longer have to put up with the negative treatment from some of my family members. As I already said I regret not doing it sooner.

LegacyUser

rohe wrote: »

ok, i'll try and keep it short
basically i am 29 years old,female and have had alot of issues in my family,i havent seen most of my family for the best part of 7 months, they dont have any interest as such in my life and when i did keep in touch i just kept ear ache about their problems and crap

so the one person i keep in touch with is my mam, just to show my face and show that i'm alive,but i find myself getting more and more irritated by her and her behaviour, basically when i call to her she just goes on about the rest of my family, how good they are or at times she runs the back of the rest of them, but basically she is just a me me me person, her life, her health her house, her problems, no interest in me, the only question i get is " are you working?, and when i am working, the next question is " are you still there and did you pack it in yet?, its just constant put downs

so i have decided to distance myself completely from them, as in just cut them outta of my life, for my own mental sake and piece of mind, i finally made steps to get myself counselling and get my head sorted for all the issues that i have, but i feel that they (my family) are holding me back, that they just make me into this angry, bitter, person

so the big question i ask is am i being selfish here just walking away from them

any advice appreciated

Have you ever told your mother, other important members of your family the effect that they are having on you?
Or are you just keeping it all in and they are non the wiser and just keep spouting on?

Cutting off all contact should be a last resort with anyone, most especially family since it could possibly add to your issues rather than solve them later on, unless there are more serious issues at hand than you have reffered to in your O.P.

hepcat

There are circmstances where cutting off contact with your family is the right thing to do, but we don't know this is the case with the OP. We have very little to go on regarding their behaviour, other than their talking about their "own crap", her mum talking about the famliy and her own health issues and their being critical. Please dont tell me this isn't normal in any family, obviously not all the time, but it does happen. Lets face it, families are the ones who are going to be brutally honest with us and families generally feel they can rant about their problems to a sibling or daughter. Surely it would be best for the OP to get counselling firstly and sort out her issues. It is a drastic step to just walk away from the people who have known and loved you all your life without making some effort to address problems.

CapedCrusader

Funny, I had a long discussion about this the other night with, of all people, my mother in law. We both have issues with our parents...

She, herself had thought long and hard about this and struggled with it for a long time.

In the end, you are and adult and your own person.... and so is your mother and so are the rest of your family. I believe your parents deserve respect but I think that's where your obligation ends. You now relate to each other as fellow adults. You have no reason to feel guilty about the way you feel towards them. Your feelings are your feelings and are a result of their actions and behaviour towards you and vice versa. How would you interact with another adult that wasn't your mother if they constantly put you down? You'd have nothing to do with them. You don't owe your parents a relationship. This is something they had the opportunity to foster when you were younger. If they didn't do this... their loss.

If being with your family has only negative results and feelings, then what is the point. You have no obligation to put yourself in that position. You are an adult and are free to choose the company you keep and if your family aren't interesting, then that's that.

Then, I think there's another dimension to this that I have to work through myself. If there is stuff that you hold against your family and is a cause for hurt and/or resentment, I think it's important to express this, come to terms with it, forgive them and then move on. It doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them, it just means you can be at peace yourself and not have it eat you up.

Some thoughts... hope they help