Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi there,
There is an issue with role permissions that is being worked on at the moment.
If you are having trouble with access or permissions on regional forums please post here to get access: https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058365403/you-do-not-have-permission-for-that#latest

3 years no sex

  • 27-05-2009 10:36am
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8


    Just a quick one , male married 3 yrs and no sex, marriage not even consummated, hard to believe, well it's true, Is she testing me? Everytime i bring the subject up she changes the conversation, Things were ok before we married, I'm half thinking of goin out and paying for it at this stage, Just want to know what the male and female take on this stituation is before i take the next step. Maybe someone was in this stitation before.
    Thanks


Welcome!

It looks like you're new here. Sign in or register to get started.

Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,163 Boston
    ✭✭✭✭


    You're allowing her to change the subject. Why?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,382 petes
    ✭✭✭


    That sounds a bit nuts to be honest. When you say fine before the marriage how often were you having sex?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,883 shellyboo
    ✭✭✭


    T72 wrote: »
    Just a quick one , male married 3 yrs and no sex, marriage not even consummated, hard to believe, well it's true, Is she testing me? Everytime i bring the subject up she changes the conversation, Things were ok before we married, I'm half thinking of goin out and paying for it at this stage, Just want to know what the male and female take on this stituation is before i take the next step. Maybe someone was in this stitation before.
    Thanks


    If she's testing you, she has serious psychological issues. If she's not testing you, she has serious sexual issues.

    You need to get this sorted, OP, it's in no way normal. Try to talk to her about it again - tell her it's now becoming a huge issue for you and you've thought of leaving/cheating. If that doesn't get her to talk, it's ultimatum time.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,420 WellyJ
    ✭✭✭


    3 Months would be crazy,

    3 years is something different altogether.

    She must have some serious issues. Don't let her change the subject when you bring it up, you need to sort this out now.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,085 Xiney
    ✭✭✭


    In fairness, he's already waited three years in almost silence. Getting it sorted RIGHT NOW shouldn't be the goal, rather, making a move towards getting it sorted is.

    I'd say make a strong push towards marital therapy.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 174 lynnsback
    ✭✭


    As far as I am aware, if the marriage has not been consummated it is not legally valid. You can get an annullment. If it were me I would DEMAND we go to a marriage counsellor or I would leave. You do not have to stay and resort to paying for sex. You could leave and find someone else. Did you have a sex life before marriage? Could your wife have medical problems?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,203 partyguinness
    ✭✭✭


    lynnsback wrote: »
    As far as I am aware, if the marriage has not been consummated it is not legally valid. You can get an annullment. If it were me I would DEMAND we go to a marriage counsellor or I would leave. You do not have to stay and resort to paying for sex. You could leave and find someone else. Did you have a sex life before marriage? Could your wife have medical problems?


    Well the marriage is valid but it can be used as grounds for annullment in Civil and canon law.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 639 Acoustic
    ✭✭✭


    T72 wrote: »
    Just a quick one , male married 3 yrs and no sex, marriage not even consummated, hard to believe, well it's true, Is she testing me? Everytime i bring the subject up she changes the conversation, Things were ok before we married, I'm half thinking of goin out and paying for it at this stage, Just want to know what the male and female take on this stituation is before i take the next step. Maybe someone was in this stitation before.
    Thanks

    and women wonder why men cheat ??

    op id say give her an ultimatum , either get help or leave

    hard thing to say , but if she doesnt wanna aknowledge that theres something wrong then it wont change


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,756 vector
    ✭✭✭


    The OP didn't mention ages, perhaps this is an elderly marriage of convenience; where two people live together for companionship?; and to take part in activities such hill walking going to Rome together


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,324 Oh The Humanity
    ✭✭✭


    T72 wrote: »
    Just a quick one , male married 3 yrs and no sex, marriage not even consummated, hard to believe, well it's true, Is she testing me? Everytime i bring the subject up she changes the conversation, Things were ok before we married, I'm half thinking of goin out and paying for it at this stage, Just want to know what the male and female take on this stituation is before i take the next step. Maybe someone was in this stitation before.
    Thanks

    Female perspective.

    As is often often said on here in threads like this, its not so much the lack of sex (well it is of course) but the blatant refusal to discuss it or acknowledge it as a problem that becomes the poison in a marriage or relationship like this.

    IF she has problems (former abuse/depression/medical problems) it is her obligation to attempt to sort these problems out and also to communicate the nature of the problems with you OP.

    Refusing to discuss it and using avoidance tactics like changing the subject are just not good enough. Sex is an important part of a relationship and as she has made a contract with you called marriage, it is understood and expected the couple will have a loving physical relationship.

    You should not have accepted things to sit like this for so long. By allowing her to dictate no sex in the relationship you have set a precedent and it will be very hard to go forward now.

    I would be very suspicious of her motives in marrying you. It looks like she used you in marrying you knowing full well she had no intentions of having a sex life with you. You are left to speculate as to whether she is gay/ill/has no sex drive etc

    If it is something like that and she deliberately concealed it from you, you have grounds for annulment if you married in church. The marriage not being consummated I think will also strenghthen your position should you seek a divorce, which you should.

    After three years of this total nonsense she has no leg to stand on in trying to keep you. Bad enough to marry you underfalse pretences but the refusal to discuss it is the nail in the coffin.

    You need to confront her, its likely she will fob you off again. If not that she will promise you that she will change and she will make excuses as delaying tactics to prevent you getting out of this.

    Dont fall for this, look at what she does not what she says.

    You need to vote with your feet now and get the hell out of this charade.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,494 kayos
    ✭✭✭


    Dear lord I've heard a lot of prolonged gaps between sex before but thats just nuts.

    I would have been asking questions on the honeymoon, really asking questions after it and by the time the first anniversay came around I would have been giving her a choice get it sorted or get a divorce.

    There could be 101 reasons behind this. Medical, mental, emotional or god knows what. She has a problem thats a given to be honest but your not fault free either. You have let it go on this long. You really need to sit her down and talk about this if she continues to refuse then its a clear sign she is not committed to the relationship. Even if there is a problem that is out of her control refusing to talk about it with her partner is just not on. At least if she talked about it you could either choice to stand by her while she works on resolving the issue or you can decide to walk. She either needs to admit to the problem and get help or your never going to have a proper marrage.

    But one thing is sure do not go out and pay for it or get it any where else for that matter. If it does come to divore then your the one that cheated and could be on the losing end.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,187 keefg
    ✭✭✭


    The OP doesn't go into too much detail.

    As some other posters mention it could be a medical or psychological problem his wife has.


    On the other hand, the OP could be loaded and new wife is...*ahem*.....taking him for a ride??

    It wouldn't be the first time a woman has married someone to get access to their riches and she is probably gutted it's taken this long for you to address the problem.

    OP, You have the patience of a saint.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 Taltos
    ✭✭✭✭


    kayos wrote: »
    But one thing is sure do not go out and pay for it or get it any where else for that matter. If it does come to divore then your the one that cheated and could be on the losing end.

    + 1

    Absolutely - do not do anything now that will paint you in a bad light later.
    Seek to talk about this or get counselling.
    After 3 yrs of this joke of a marriage you are still there so it is clear that you love her - well either that or could you be enjoying this torture.

    So seek help, and if no progress then you would be better off thinking of leaving this relationship for a more fulfilling one. We do not know from your post if you had sex before marriage, if so then there is something going on, if not - then you potentially have a different issue on your hands. It could be that your wife is enjoying the act of being with someone emotionally but is (I think?) asexual (could be totally off on the name) - where she experiences no sexual desires.

    So instead of going out with some floozy - you have made the right move - you have recognised and verbalised there is an issue - so continue this route - seek professional help and be prepared to say good-bye if the sex is more important than the company.

    Best of luck - hope it works out for you both.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 288 hepcat
    ✭✭


    T72 wrote: »
    Just a quick one , male married 3 yrs and no sex, marriage not even consummated, hard to believe, well it's true, Is she testing me? Everytime i bring the subject up she changes the conversation, Things were ok before we married, I'm half thinking of goin out and paying for it at this stage, Just want to know what the male and female take on this stituation is before i take the next step. Maybe someone was in this stitation before.
    Thanks

    OP this is crazy and you know it. You ask " is she testing me" - what do you mean? THats a weird thing to say as a response to 3 years of no sex? Is there more you have not told us i.e. are there other problems between you and your OH? Going out and paying for sex is not the answer. Get to marriage counselling and sort it out / if she won't do that then get your marriage annulled and stick at being pals, if thats possible.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,119 Wagon
    ✭✭✭


    T72 wrote: »
    Just a quick one , male married 3 yrs and no sex, marriage not even consummated, hard to believe, well it's true, Is she testing me? Everytime i bring the subject up she changes the conversation, Things were ok before we married, I'm half thinking of goin out and paying for it at this stage, Just want to know what the male and female take on this stituation is before i take the next step. Maybe someone was in this stitation before.
    Thanks
    Anything mad happen before you got married that would set this off? Is she religious and abstaining? Is it possible she's having an affair? Or is it possible that she is scared of having kids and risking it?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,203 partyguinness
    ✭✭✭


    This is mad alright.

    Not being funny but

    1. Is she possibly a lesbian
    2. Is she playing away from home?
    3. What age is she?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 username123
    ✭✭✭


    Nasty situation to be in OP and I have to ask - how have you let 3 years pass you by without tackling this head on?

    When you say she wont talk about it - you need to express to her that you NEED to talk about it, you cannot hide from it anymore and that it is vitally important to you to discuss this issue. No blame game or negative emotions, just a calm discussion on why she wont have sex with you.

    Its hard to say much more without more information, did you have sex before you married? How often? Was she interested in sex before? Was there any event that put her off? Did she just start refusing sex for no reason after marriage? What is the manner of rejection - is she just 'not in the mood' or does she avoid your advances by perhaps going to bed earlier and being asleep when you get there etc....
    Has she given ANY reason not to have sex?

    How is the marriage besides the sex aspect? How is your communication generally? Can you talk to her about your feelings and vice versa? Do you row about this issue or just not talk about it? Is it an elephant in the room? Does she show you affection in other ways, like massaging you or kissing you or fooling around to any degree?

    In what way would you think she is 'testing you'? Testing you for what? Staying power?

    More info - will get you better advice.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 LegacyUser
    ✭✭✭✭


    how does she ever expect to start a family? Is she afraid of pregnancy?
    You need both need to see a therapist?
    Love is normally expressed through physical touch, kissing, hugging and sex.....are you getting any form of contact with her, are you sure she loves you?
    Are you sure you actually know her? She may have been abused earlier in her life and finds sex a trauma rather than something to enjoy, there's a chance you were the safe hands who could carry her through life without offering you anything in return except her company.
    You need to get it sorted, you need to communicate with her, if you're thinking of paying for sex then you are thinking of leaving her but are afraid to.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8 T72


    Thanks for the replys.

    A couple of notes NO she was nerer ph abused, S before marry twice a month, stopped approx 1 mth before wedding, i put in down to saving for wedding nite. She's not playing away, Everything else is there hugs, kisses, she says she loves me nearly every day. The only thing that did happen was that last july her mother died of cancer and then her father died of a heart attack 4 mths later. ( SHE IS A ONLY CHILD). During that time all her relations said that i was her rock. She has come to terms with that now, she's not depressed, she has good friends. Were both middle aged.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 Taltos
    ✭✭✭✭


    T72 wrote: »
    The only thing that did happen was that last july her mother died of cancer and then her father died of a heart attack 4 mths later. ( SHE IS A ONLY CHILD). During that time all her relations said that i was her rock. She has come to terms with that now, she's not depressed.


    But that was last July - what about the prev 2 years?
    Maybe from July she could be suffering from a form of depression.
    BUT... what about Yr 1 & Yr 2 - you really really do need to sit down and talk to her. Even going as far as having counselling/mediation if she is unwilling to talk to you.

    Would suggest you tell her you need her to go with you to this mediation/counselling - your marriage is clearly at risk here. If you want to save it then go this route. But if you no longer want to be in the relationship then you really do have the grounds to walk away with your head held high - but would still recommend you try to talk one final time.

    Maybe she is out of touch with reality and does not see the effect of her choices on you both. A marriage is a partnership - looking in with the details we have it does not seem that you have an equitable share in this relationship.

    Pls let us know how you get on - really hope you can work this out so you are both happy once more.


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 288 hepcat
    ✭✭


    T72 wrote: »
    Thanks for the replys.

    A couple of notes NO she was nerer ph abused, S before marry twice a month, stopped approx 1 mth before wedding, i put in down to saving for wedding nite. She's not playing away, Everything else is there hugs, kisses, she says she loves me nearly every day. The only thing that did happen was that last july her mother died of cancer and then her father died of a heart attack 4 mths later. ( SHE IS A ONLY CHILD). During that time all her relations said that i was her rock. She has come to terms with that now, she's not depressed, she has good friends. Were both middle aged.

    You never asked her why she stopped having sex with you? Thats a problem, you need to communicate with your wife.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,119 Wagon
    ✭✭✭


    T72 wrote: »
    Thanks for the replys.

    A couple of notes NO she was nerer ph abused, S before marry twice a month, stopped approx 1 mth before wedding, i put in down to saving for wedding nite. She's not playing away, Everything else is there hugs, kisses, she says she loves me nearly every day. The only thing that did happen was that last july her mother died of cancer and then her father died of a heart attack 4 mths later. ( SHE IS A ONLY CHILD). During that time all her relations said that i was her rock. She has come to terms with that now, she's not depressed, she has good friends. Were both middle aged.
    Ask her straight out why she won't have sex with you. Ask for an honest answer and keep asking until she gives you one. If she get's upset and starts saying you're pressuring her for answers, tough shít. you don't deny someone some very basic and important needs without reason. Just tell her you aren't expecting her to have sex immediatly, you just want the reason as to why it stopped so you can work on fixing it.


Welcome!

It looks like you're new here. Sign in or register to get started.
Advertisement