Can't let go of hate

LegacyUser

My mother is an alcoholic and I am in my early thirties. When I was a teenager, she used me and my sister to cover up for her drinking, to the extent she would drink all the booze in the house and blame us "stealing" it to our dad. There were lots of other things but that was the worst. I had so much crap from both of them because of this. My dad once stopd in front of me in silence for an hour waiting for me to admit it but wouldnt believe it was her.

Eventually this all came out when she couldnt hide it any more and she "got help" blah blah blah. I havent spoken to her in five years but I am told she has been sober. My dad, who never apologised to me for believing her says I should forgive her because she has changed, and sis says she just wants the family back together again.

I really hate my mother but I want my family to stop being angry at me for "breaking up the family". They think all this is my fault not hers.

Anyway, my partner has told me we cant get married unless my mother is invited to the wedding, so all this is really coming to a head. I really need to get over this but I cant let go of how much I hate her. How can I get over this? I want to "forgive" her, in fact I need to if I want my life back on track, but the thought of it turns my stomach!

Drummerboy2

Alcoholism is a disease and people will do uncharacteristic things under its influence. At lease she has got help and is recovering for the last 5 years. Your father seems very loyal to her. You only have one mother. At least give her the chance to help rebuild your relationship.

Loomis

If your father is so intent on having you forgive her how about tell him the obvious that she has to contact you with an apology if there is any hope of forgiving her. If she wants her family back so badly why hadn't she tried apologising in the past five years?
I don't see why it's up to you to make all the moves in fixing things when your mother and father have both behaved appallingly and neither has made attempts to apologise to you for it.

If she did apologise, do you think you'd accept it?

milod

+1

Both your parents owe you an apology OP. You were the child, they were the adults - they brought you up in a dysfunctional environment and swept the details under the carpet.

They must make the first move if they expect you to forgive, not browbeat you into acceptance. Explain the matter in greater detail to your future wife and tell her you expect loyalty, not a picture perfect top-table...

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

My mother is an alcoholic and I am in my early thirties. When I was a teenager, she used me and my sister to cover up for her drinking, to the extent she would drink all the booze in the house and blame us "stealing" it to our dad. There were lots of other things but that was the worst. I had so much crap from both of them because of this. My dad once stopd in front of me in silence for an hour waiting for me to admit it but wouldnt believe it was her.

Eventually this all came out when she couldnt hide it any more and she "got help" blah blah blah. I havent spoken to her in five years but I am told she has been sober. My dad, who never apologised to me for believing her says I should forgive her because she has changed, and sis says she just wants the family back together again.

Tell your dad on no uncertain terms that unless you get an apology from both of them, they won't be hearing from you in the future. you were their child and they ****ed up. They should apologise for it.

I really hate my mother but I want my family to stop being angry at me for "breaking up the family". They think all this is my fault not hers.

your mother broke up the family. you were protecting yourself.

Anyway, my partner has told me we cant get married unless my mother is invited to the wedding, so all this is really coming to a head. I really need to get over this but I cant let go of how much I hate her. How can I get over this? I want to "forgive" her, in fact I need to if I want my life back on track, but the thought of it turns my stomach!

Why the hell does she need to be at the wedding exactly?

paperclip2

Ahh families, anything for a quiet life...:(

Its sounds like your mothers drinking is still the elephant in the room OP. Have any of your family really dealt with the fallout of what her drinking meant for you and your family growing up? There still does seem to be a strong element of denial round it.

You're hurt, and you are entitled to be so. Living in that kind of a dynamic is unbearable. Having our right to be hurt denied, as your family seem to be doing to you, makes us angry. You aren't towing the party line by jumping on the good ship 'Happy Family' and so the rest of your family cant pretend that (a) all is well and (b) it wasn't that bad really. So you end up carrying the blame for 'breaking up the family' instead of being given the space :rolleyes: (sorry...hate that expression) to have your hurt heard and dealt with within the family.

What to do...? Well I dont know, but I waited years for an apology from my dad for things that happened in my childhood. I'm still waiting. The reality is that parents dont see events from the same perspective as their children. If the focus is on glossing over the wonky bits and establishing a shopfront of normality then they wont want to try to see the past from your pov as that would threaten the current stability. Since they cant see the reasons you are so hurt and angry your feelings look unjustified to them.

However living with hate is not healthy at all. It is a corrosive emotion and it tarnishes precious parts of ourselves. Speaking from experience here.

I dont agree with your partners ultimatum but maybe he can see the damage that living with this hate is causing you. Maybe this is his way of trying to get you to resolve it for yourself. Nothing you do can you really make your family deal with the effects of the past on you. If you cant let go of the hate on your own get some help with it. Write it down and burn it, talk to a counsellor, sit on a mountain and scream your head off. Get rid of it. An apology from your mother may not actually make you feel any different. Accepting what happened and being able to leave it in the past just might.
Good luck OP and sorry for rabbiting on.

metaoblivia

I know where you're coming from, OP. My dad is an alcoholic and he was extremely abusive to my brother and me when we were growing up.
First of all, you shouldn't feel bad about the hate you're feeling. You should want to overcome it - and I'm glad you do - but you shouldn't feel ashamed of it. Given the circumstances of your childhood, it would be an absolute miracle if you didn't feel hatred towards her. As your mother, it was her job to protect you and create a safe environment for you while you were growing up and she failed. This was not your fault. You had no choice in the matter, and it was very unfair to you.
The truth is, you may never get an apology from your mother or your father. The world would be a better place if every abusive parent took full responsibility and apologized for their actions. But that's not the world we live in. Some do and some don't. For this reason, I want you to overcome the hatred you're feeling, but not for your mother's sake. I want you to do it for your own sake.
I think you should see a counselor, and speak with them about your feelings and your family. You could also join a group for the children of alcoholics - you'd find similar stories and stuggles. You may also want to invite your partner along. Sometimes, people have difficulty understanding just how difficult growing up with an alcoholic parent can be. If your partner spoke with a counselor, they may realize that ultimatums are no way to approach a situation like this.
I wish you the best, OP!

LegacyUser

Part of an alcoholics recovery is to acknowledge to people that they understand that they did indeed hurt them with their drinking.If someone hurts you, it goes a very long way to overcoming that hurt if the person says that they too totally understand what they did to you , that you have every right to be hurt about it, and that they seek your forgiveness.
It makes the hurt even worse if you feel that the person who hurts you thinks they did nothing wrong. Honesty and bravery are required here. Contact your mother and tell her exactly how you feel, let every single bit of it out and then see what she has to say.Her answers will tell you all you need to know about how serious she is about her sobriety.
As others have mentioned, an alcoholic is an addict and behaves in ways that are not really themselves while under, and trying to cover up, the effects of alcohol abuse.It has a terrible effect on everyone. My thoughts are give her a chance to apologise, it might take all the hurt away in one fell swoop.You certainly will be no worse off than you were.Best of luck.

tommyboy2222

If you don't want your mother at your wedding, its 100% your choice.

Dont be bullied by your partner in to doing something you don't want to do.

Taltos

Feel sorry for you.
You need to sit down your oh though and tell them that ultimatums are the fast track out the door - they have no idea of the pain you have gone through or the feelings of anger/rejection/betrayal you are now living with.

Counselling might help you learn to accept these totally natural feelings and move past them. I know how you are feeling (been there) and it is possible to move on. In terms of an apology - you might never get one, I did not but in learning to cope with the rage I felt I now have a great relationship with my mum. She does not know how much she hurt me, and it has changed our relationship but life does go on. I do love my mum loads but our relationship has changed as a result.

One route you could go - which I took - was to get married abroad - with no-one invited; this way as all are equally "insulted", no-one is marked out as a pariah. Turned out to have the time of our lives - no stress; great holiday; no bad memories of some family fight; and great photos. Given the choice again - I would go this route every time.

But sit down and talk to your oh - I can see where they are coming from too (hindsight is great & so is time to move on); and while they are going about this the wrong way I can see they are looking to avoid more problems - however they could just be creating more. It is likely they are trying to make sure that you do not have regrets in later life that you did not invite your mum to your wedding - that would be one huge stick that your family will never ever let go of....
So if you do go my route of a wedding abroad - just tell them it is cheaper (it is) and less stress as everything is arranged for you (it is)... Don't tell anyone it is also to avoid having your family there - remember it is YOUR day - not your family's.

the_syco

tommyboy2222 wrote: »

If you don't want your mother at your wedding, its 100% your choice.

Dont be bullied by your partner in to doing something you don't want to do.

Agreed. Ask your partner why does he want your mother there so badly? Is it a dealbraker?

lynnsback

My ex fiancee was an alcoholic and an addict, so I can empatise with what you are going through. It is so very hard. I honestly thought I would die from the pain. So, I went to al-anon and to counselling and I got my life back. It will take time and effort to work through it. Www.al-anon-Ireland.org will tell you where your nearest meeting is. Feel free to pm me if you want to vent.

nxblues

Hi OP, i just want you to know...what happend to you was not your fault. How your parents reacted to you was not your fault. The way your parents acted in the first place was not your fault.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and i used to think that i was complete scum for a long time because of the way he treated me. It was only until later that i realised my father was hiding a lot of emotional and embarrasing baggage and how he reacted was a result of his own growing up. This is not an excuse but when i began to understand his life, i began to let go of my hate. I also said my 5 cents worth to him as well. It helped and we've grown stronger for it.
No one is perfect matey...you are the only person to make the final decision. But, if i may be so bold...if you can...try and see what problems lie in your ma's life. You don't have to accept them, but just bending an ear and it may help you.

Just remember, you weren't the cause of their grief. The fault does not lie with you. Take care.

Nevyn

Hate is toxic, it hurts us when we hold on to it and never address the reasons or the root issue which has us hating and hurting.

I do think that the ultimatum you were given is pretty nasty I would be far from pleased to have that leveled at me but it does sound like you need help.

You were hurt and damaged by what happened when you were growing up and I do think it is wrong for people to blame you when you had the strength to stand up and not let things be brushed under the carpet.

You won't be able to get go of what you are feeling until you have worked throught those issues.
I suggest you try find an adult child of alcholics or an al anon group near you and start attending and consider trying counselling.

http://www.adultchildren.org/

You hate because you are hurt and you need to find a way to stop hurting and start healing.

starchild

i would concur with the other posters who suggested seeking help, my own feeling is that you are initially unlikely to receive an apology from either your mother and father as if they were going to do so it would have happened by now

However that may change as you begin to build a relationship with them again and you may eventually hear the words im sorry

carrying all this hate lessens you as a person and can have a really bad impact on relationships within your own life as others will struggle to understand the depth and the reasoning behind your feelings. This is probably the reason behind your partners ultimatum re the marriage, it is possible he is on some level probably trying to understand how someone he loves can hate so strongly.

I have no doubt that your parents treated you terribly , i have seen the impact living with an alcoholic can have and its horrendous. I hope you can find resolution in this

best of luck

dudara

Thaedydal wrote: »

I do think that the ultimatum you were given is pretty nasty I would be far from pleased to have that leveled at me but it does sound like you need help.

It's quite possible that your OH is using this as an opportunity to help you address these issues. It is simply not healthy to carry this amount of baggage around for this long.

faceman

When people are controlled by alcohol, they are a different person. If your mother is sober and dealing with her alcoholism then I suspect she is a different woman. If she is with the AA, part of the program involves the individual apologising to those they have hurt.

Alcoholism is a terrible disease. It effects everyone around the one with the alcohol problem.

It may be useful to talk to a counsellor if you feel you have carried alot of pain and hurt over the years.

With your wedding coming up, its going to be a happy time. If you feel you are ready to open the door to your parents again, it would be nice to have made peace with them before your wedding than doing it than the road and regretting not doing it sooner.

Of course that can be easier said than done. Everyone makes mistakes however. If you dont feel ready to address your past then dont force yourself to do it. No matter when you decide to do it however, it will be a tough period.

No matter what you choose, best of luck.

am i bovvered

Hi OP
I too grew up with an alcoholic father, I feel there is no point in relating "they done this and that" except to say, like most cases it was bad.

Firstly it took along time to admit to myself, it was bad, (nearly 10 years.)
Secondly it took a long time, and a painful journey of hatred, wanting revenge, indifference and forgiveness, then a form of friendship, (over 10 years.)

However I feel for YOUR OWN sake, you must work towards letting go of the anger and wanting revenge, it is a negative emotion that is now serving no purpose.
To move on to indifference and a possible positive relationship I feel only two thing needs to happen....The person must address the alcohol problem, and secondly sit down and explain without interuption how your mothers alcohol problem affected your life, tell it briefly but honestly. Then let it go !!!

It took me a long time to deal with this issue, but I didn't have the experts on Boards helping with expert advice