Ridiculously hard 8 months.

LegacyUser

I'm a regular poster of boards - but going un-reg for this. I need to say this to strangers to try to get some help, advice or experience. I am beginning to crack here.

This situation started last November when I started suffering a bout of depression (I have suffered from it occasionaly over the years). It was quite bad and I felt I had to defer college until this September as really felt wasn't able to do anywhere close to my best work.

Then during Xmas - all four of us in the house got that horrid Australian flu. Christmas Day was nice, we all got sick on Stephen's Day - and none of us were right until the first week of the New Year. It took me to the third week to get better after 3 lots of antibiotics. My husband is a teacher, we were looking forward to the holidays for ages because we were planning on doing loads of things especially me having had such a rough Nov/Dec. But we did nothing. We went to see our families twice in the whole period.

End of Jan & early Feb were ok - the doctor reduced my anti-depressants thinking I was suffering from SAD. Needless to say three weeks later I was back where I was in November but only 3 times worse. The first week of March was horrific - I could not get thoughts of suicide out of my head, it was like a compulsion/obsession. My husband took 10 days of work to stay with me. Obviously we went straight to the psychiatric services and they were fantastic. They looked after me really well.

Things were very slowly getting better until the end of March, when a 'supposed' friend rang social services and reported me for depression and not being able to look after my kids. Initially I thought it was done out of care, but then a few days later I started to get angry, rather than come down to my house for a coffee, offer to bring kids to school etc etc. This person went to Social Workers.

Social workers had to come into our house and investigate (spoke to doctor/school) and wanted to talk to my husband. Absolutely nothing came from it - they agreed it was a foundless accusation. What destroyed me though, when the Social Worker was in our house talking to myself on my husband (it was my third time we were talking to her, but my husband's first). I read the telephone referral - I was expecting to see something about depression and being worried about me being able to look after the kids. That wasn't what was said - it said I was planning on killing myself and taking kids with me and that I was abusing (sexually) my eldest son. I don't think I have ever been so angry in my life. I very nearly fell apart again.

Very slowly over the next few weeks, I pulled myself together and then my husband fell apart. He explained to me - as soon as he heard the words Social Workers, he thought he was losing his children. In the space of three weeks he was threatened with losing his wife and children. He then got a bout of depression, but took action and got some counselling through his job, which helped a lot.

In the meantime our house was broken into during March and my car was broken into and vandalised 3 weeks ago. More stuff on top of stuff.

Two close friends basically dropped me like a rock when things got tough which really hurt.
One of my other close friends - she is only 32, got really sick over Easter and for about 4/5 days we thought she was dying. Really, really hard couple of weeks helping her and the family. Our boys are similar ages so we try to help each as much as we can.


And then finally I made a cock up on my mother's computer and BT are trying to do her for copywright infringement. It is a wireless connection so they think it was someone local hacked into her computer, but it was me and I'm too embarressed and scared to say anything. I'm not able to face another thing.

Finally, my brother is back in our lives after 7 years. Without going into a huge past story, they is a very disturbing past with this person. It has had a very dramatic/profound effect on the family again. My psychiatrist seems to think that it was this that triggered the depression back in November.

And then this morning, my husband who is a teacher has just lost his job.

Now I am ready to crack. I don't know what I am asking for, just to acknowledge how crazy these past few months been.

Thanks

aare

THANK heavens you are ready to crack...

Because after all that, if you weren't, that would mean you were a stone psychopath.

Do you know what causes post traumatic stress disorder?

It's simple. We are supposed to live our lives in denial of all the worst things that can happen to us...

Death, insanity...and all points up to them, are supposed to be things that, day by day, we are totally convinced can ONLY HAPPEN TO OTHER PEOPLE. We have to stay alive to be in next weeks episode of our life. The worst will NEVER come to the worst.

Post traumatic stress disorder is when the worst has REALLY come to the worst, too often for us to be able to deny the possibility in the future effectively.

Everything that goes wrong starts feeling like a potential death threat...you start to live life WILLING the worst to come to the worst and GET IT OVER WITH.

You can't get that core denial back right away, but you have to fight for a sense of proportion.

Sort out the BT copyright thing first thing in the morning. I have never heard of anyone actually being prosecuted by an ISP for copyright infringement...but even if you are...last I heard, they don't give you the death penalty...

Call them, explain what happened, how silly it all was, and how unwell (no need to specify) you have been.

The most likely outcome is that the whole thing is sorted out and can be forgotten before lunch...

...and THANK HEAVENS those two "friends" dropped you...you might have wasted years investing pieces of yourself in people who aren't worth it...lucky escape...

Ok...I know the deal with monstorous relatives...it's a tough one...but it is perfectly ok to exclude him from your life and ask the Guards to enforce that if necessary...

Your husband lost his job?

Well that is REALLY the toxic black cherry on the cake of life today...why sugar coat it? You won't be fooled anyway...

...BUT...you can both use that time to heal a little, recharge your batteries...sort out the other problems...

It's a godawful, double screwed up mess...byut it still isn't the end of the world...
I promise you that from my heart...all you have to do is hang on...and try to keep a sense of proportion...

You know what the safest place in the world is?

It's the one where you have nothing, at all, left to lose...

Because then, the ONLY way is up...

Sinall

That was an incredibly hard 8 months and you have been through an awful lot. Well done in getting this far and well done for posting on Boards about it!

It sounds like you are clued in about the help you need and I am glad that your experience of the psychiatric services has been positive. Hang in there, be gentle on yourself. Don't beat yourself up or worry yourself sick over things. The BT broadband thing will most likely go away with a phone call/letter. You have been really brave and I hope things get better for you.

goodmum

Ihave to agree with the other posters when I say thank heavens you are about to crack. You would not be human if all those horrid events didn't bring you to the brink of despair.

You are in touch with all the right services. You are doing all the right things.

Nothing is forever OP. Nothing. These emotions will change. The very intense feelings you had towards that person who reported you, may have subsided slightly already. And what a horrible, horrible person they are. You will eventually see this for yourself and not allow this person to affect your life in anyway.

As I said above, nothing is forever. Our emotions change everyday - our ideas, our jobs, where we live, our kids personalities..it all changes in time. And that is what you need right now.

Time to recover from the past few months. Time to reconnect with yourself. Those events would affect ANYBODY. You are by no means unique in feeling the way you feel, having gone through the past 8 months.

Keep working with your physciatrist. Keep talking. Keep posting on boards.ie. Keep all lines of communication open with whoever wants to help you. That's how you will get through this.

The best of luck OP, you genuinely deserve it

hepcat

You've been through the mill, to put it mildly. No wonder you feel like cracking up.

Please believe though that things will get better... its hard I know when everyway you turn disaster and misery seem to lurk, but this is not permanent.

You know you can sort the BT thing, just ring them up and explain.
Your brother will just have to understand if you dont want him around right now.
As another person said good riddance to the people who left you, they're not worth a minutes more thought.
Put your awful experiences of depression behind you, and don't dwell on all the bac things that have happened lately.
Is there any way you and your husband could get away for a weekend together. You need to be nice to yourself, you deserve it.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I am almost in tears after reading this and I thought I was. having a bad day. Anyway I bet you feel better for posting all of that. At least now you know who your true friends are. You actually sound quite strong to be honest and sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you start to get on top of things again. The other posters are right, get in touch with BT and be honest with your Mam. Stay as positive as you can and things will work out well for you. Its heartbreaking how malicious people can be, especially friends. I don't know what to say but at least you can see what sort of people you are dealing with. Keep as focused as you can, this crisis will not last forever but it will make you and your family stronger. Take Care

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks so much for all your messages of support. I am shaking my head here, there is nothing I can say. It has been beyond words to describe the last 8 months.

My husband and I are planning two small trips in June, hopefully over the summer we may be able to recharge the batteries and get a break from everything that has happened.

Thanks again.

CathyMoran

I know what it is like to have a tough time - the past 4.5 years for me have been the toughest of my life but the thing that got me through it was for the most part my husband. By the sounds of it you have an amazing one. I know that it is hard but if you could just try and focus on the things/people that are really important to you. When I am feeling down I either grab my husband and give him a hug or look at a photo of him smiling - it does it for me.