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How do I find someone? (Sad I know!)
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26-05-2009 5:51pm#1Hi, long time lurker, first time poster. I'm not quite sure what to say. I'm a female, 21 and a college student. I've been single since Jan. It was a relationship I intend to happen, I went out with one of my best friends,we started college together. We were best friends before we started going out, I knew at the time it was risky, but we both agreed our friendship would alway be paramount, I think we all know where it ends. :P
He cheated with a mutual friend, she had a long-term bf [they were planning to marry at the time] however she never really grasped the concept of fidelity and my ex was in no way her first or last affair. Although at one time she had been a close friend we weren't very close at the time, she has a substance abuse issues {both alcohol and drugs} and although I tried not to judge and offered my support, I did tell her I didn't feel comfortable socialising with her due to her aggression when drunk. To be frank, she would be violent and it scared me.
I only found out after we broke up about them, I had considered it but he was so "moral" I guess, the nice guy. He'd go on and on if one of our friends treated a person badly or cheated. Not in a crazy way, he was just a very decent friend who always wanted to be a good person. How I found?, lets just gloss over that, we broke up remained friends and attended a formal with a group of friends and they were anything but discreet. I was disgusted and hurt, it was a cowardly way to let me find out. A few day later he told me officially, that they were a couple now. I tried to be nice, we have the same best friends so I didn't really have a choice. They didn't last long as a couple..3-4 days after going public, his friends didn't approve of her and what he;d done to me, so he dumped her.
So I was left trying to keep the peace, I didn't want to lose friends so I told people to move on, cut them some slack. mainly so that I could move on.
She blamed me and blanked me/was rude about me etc. It didn't bother me, she wasn't a friend I wanted to keep, for the following few months, he'd talk to my/our friends, apologising for what he'd done. how he was confused and hurt. strangely, he never bothered to apologise to me.. odd that!
.... when he and I did talk, he'd blame me for her not talking to him, {wtf?} saying he regretted nothing, how pretty she was, couldn't understand why I didn't like her. The idiot I was, I kept saying sorry, assuming it was all my fault. All I wanted wss my best friend back.
Eventually I stopped talking to him, for my own sanity to be honest. I still had to see him, all of out friends are mutual, so birthdays etc are unavoidable. So fast forward to now! {Sorry about the extremely long post, kind of over sharing!} at the moment we casually talk at parties, he's always very polite in front of our friends, would never say half of what he has said to me in private. So on that front we're ok, I've lost him as a friend and some other friends who choose to stay friends with the other girl, I never asked anyone to choose. I would never put them in that position, it wasn't their fault.
So like I say, fast forward a few months, I've moved on , or so I hoped. However now I want to meet someone new, not neccesarily for a relationship, just for a few dates and maybe make some new friends. However, my confidence is completely shot. I was never as confident as one should be, but now after my ex's jibe's and betrayal I really don't even know if I can. I'm quite chatting and friendly, but [I know some ppl will give out about this] but along with my ex's snide remarks about me,{ my looks, personality, just generally me! }, who he cheated with was also a really big blow, she was a friends but, I know I sound like a bitch, but she was unattractive, her looks are unattractive {subjective I know} she is overweight, body not in porportions *birth defect*and balding, with bad skin.
I know it's shallow, but I have major insecurities about my body, and I that fact that she was more appealing to get into bed with than me, really makes me feel like crap. also the fact he threw away our friendship over her, and then dumped her as soon as our friends made their feelings known. Even after the whole debackle, I offered to forgive, let's be friends and he declined. I just don't know how to put myself back on the market so to speak, when I'm not even wanted as a friend!
SO here I am, nameless/faceless online. telling strangers things I wouldn't tell my closest friends, saying, I've been hurt, how do I know I'm able/good enough to find someone new. And how the hell do I find someone?!..
pubs/clubs. ... I love both, but I know finding someone here are minimal
through friends........... that's out as we share friends totally, and I wouldn't feel comfortable
college................... is out for the summer so thats out.
work........................I'm unemployed
online........................ to be honest,, I don't think I'd be able to exchange photos. {I'm a 4/5} Immature I know but it gives you a clue as to my looks.
Thanks SO SO sorry it's such a long post.
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"However, my confidence is completely shot. I was never as confident as one should be, but now after my ex's jibe's and betrayal I really don't even know if I can. I'm quite chatting and friendly, but along with my ex's snide remarks about me, who he cheated with was also a really big blow, she was unattractive, her looks are unattractive {subjective I know} she is overweight, body not in porportions *birth defect*and balding, with bad skin.
I have major insecurities about my body, and I that fact that she was more appealing to get into bed with than me, really makes me feel like crap. also the fact he threw away our friendship over her, and then dumped her as soon as our friends made their feelings known.
Even after the whole debackle, I offered to forgive, let's be friends and he declined. I just don't know how to put myself back on the market so to speak, when I'm not even wanted as a friend!"
Hi OP. You say that several months have past since all of this happened. It sounds as if your still suffering the effects, particularly with regard to your lack of confidence. What happened to you of course had to have been very hurtful, but you must realise that this was just one guy and his complete lack of respect for you as his girlfriend. To be honest, it sounds to me that you are much better off without him. Do not think that just because this guy doesnt want you as a friend that nobody else will either, nothing is further from the truth.
You must try to see that he is the problem here, not you. He is the one that was unfaithful, and then declined your friendship. The way he treated you has resulted in you feeling so unsure of yourself. Think about it.
Forget the fact that the person he slept with was someone you feel was a lot less attractive. Just because he slept with her doesnt mean that she "was more appealing to sleep with" or anything like that, so stop thinking that way. Forget the "Jibes and snide remarks" that he past to you, he was obviously a horrible person, and this is a huge part of the reason you feel the way you do. Do not let him and what he did to you control you in this way.
About the "major insecurities" of your body? Very few people are as confident about there own body as they may seem, so give yourself a break. We are all different, and we all have insecurities about our bodies from time to time, its part of being human. Imagine how boring it would be if we all looked the same?
As for the 4/5 rating which I presume is on a scale of 1-10, all the girls I know rate themselves at least two if not three points less than they actually are, so in reality your a 7 if not an 8
As the previous posters have said, once you start to become a little more confident in your own skin, it will show and add to your overall attractiveness. When we feel good about ourselves it shows:)0 -
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OP, you sound like the stereotypical peacemaker and care-giver, putting up with nearly everything for the sake of harmony, and putting the welfare of others ahead of your own.
Admirable traits both, but unhealthy if they dominate--you end up abused and taken advantage of. You need to work on yourself so you take better care of your own needs, as Aare suggested above.
You should NOT be taking the words of a jerk on board. Try and get to the place of asking yourself "Why am I taking on board this stupid cruel guy's insults and rebuffs". Your friends recognized he messed with you, but you're searching for excuses for him, or trying to 'forgive and forget'--that's not healthy, you were the injured party, you need to get damn angry with/about the jerk and see him for what he is.
Agreed, it's sad how insecure most attractive women are about their looks--even the otherwise confident ones. You're probably underscoring yourself more than most.all the girls I know rate themselves at least two if not three points less than they actually are
Looks dominate offline, so give online a shot--potential dates have a lot more to go on there, apart from looks. Since it's anonymous, you have nothing to lose if a guy doesn't fancy you, move on to the next. Get a good photo taken by a pro, and see how it goes. A few dates from outside your circle, and you're flying 0 -
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Hi,
I appreciate all of you replying, Thank you! To clarify a few things.
The 4/5 is out of ten, and I know that ppl when being modest knock a few points off, I can assure you I am not! Being as cocky as hell I'm a solid five.. I don't really like using numbers as a scale as everyone likes different things, one man's trash.. yada yada...but it does give you some idea.
I know that looks aren't everything, but well if there's no physical attraction than you're in the "friend-zone". And I know it sound very picky and vain, but I want to be with a guy who's attracted to me, not simply "settling" because we get on.
spurious
<quote> "I'm sorry, most of your post sounds incredibly judgemental and pompous. Do you really treat and speak about your friends like that?
Why?
Would that be the sort of treatment a boyfriend would get too?" <quote>
Yes I realise I do, in fact I probably am a judgemental bitch, I'm not a saint and I've tried to be as honest and objective as possible. I only didn't want to be her friend AFTER she cheated and then was all over him at the formal. Prior to this she was a friend, I was helping her with her problem she has with drink/drugs, something she admits and wanted help to change.
And as for her looks, superficial I know but honest. I only mention them as that has affected my confidence. {not just her looks but "her" as a general person}
After my ex, dumped her, she got back with the man she cheated on, and I have witnessed her still approach men in bars and continue to cheat. To be honest, that was one of the reasons I was upset my ex was with her, he was/is a friend and I didn't want him to be cheated on.
No, I don't talk down to my friends in any way, however if they ask me an honest question, I wouldn't consider myself a friend if I lied to them.
And as for my treatment of my ex, we were like any couple, we rarely argued. but it wasn't a fairy tale, I tried my best, he dumped my previously {approx. a year earlier} I took him back. I never forced him to go out with me, hell I was reluctant to do so due to our friendship. I may not have been the prefect gf, but to be frank I considered myself to be lucky to be with him and in no way judged him. Saying that I wasn't an idiot everyone, including he, has flaws.
I know I don't need to be with someone, I've never really considered them neccesary. lol. odd I know. I would just like to meet some new ppl, have a laugh, enjoy meeting new ppl again. I was considering online dating, it seems like its the only way to meet ppl now a days. but I'm not sure where to start. any suggestions?
And as for my insecurities, I know {most of the time] that my flaws that are so obvious to me are barely noticed by others. It's just at certain times I have major issues, to the point of not leaving the house due to it. I know it seems silly and vain, but it's not that I want
amazingly beautiful, but simply that I am {well} below average in looks.
And thank you EireEv. It's sweet of you to offer.
Once again thank you all, and sorry about the long post again.0 -
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To the original poster:
Why not sign up to boards (you do not need to let anyone know that you started this thread, even when you have are signed up and signed in you always have the option of posting anonymously in personal issues), have a browse around a few forums, take part in threads that interest you....... chat to like minded people...then when and if you feel comfortable enough you can maybe attend a beers or post a photo.
Noone here is going to pressure you in anyway shape or form. I know this doesn't really help but we all need to know that there are people out there for us from time to time. We are all family on boards 0 -
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I agree with Coadj on the fact that you maybe should be careful and take your time before you get back into another relationship.
I don't agree with them about going on a one-night stand- I know from watching and see other people there is a really good chance you won't feel good after it if you don't already love yourself.
Just always believe in yourself 0 -
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