Dwelling on the past...

LegacyUser

I should probably preface this by by apologizing for the length...

Ever since I can remember my mam and my uncle have had a strained relationship. Actually, strained is putting it lightly. They don't acknowledge each other, at all. Like, he leaves her name off of Christmas cards, and wouldn't dare ring me on the house phone incase she answered. Up until I was about 11, I didn't even realize this wasn't normal. So when my cousin, his son, said something along the lines of "My daddy says your mammy's mean," it really confused me. As far as I knew he'd never said a bad word about her. I remember spending the rest of the day (I was at his house on a sunday, a long standing tradition) trying to figure out reasons for why he (my uncle) would possibly say this and came up empty handed. So when I got home and finally worked up the courage to tell her I was expecting her to tell me that he'd (my cousin) gotten it wrong and everything was fine. It wasn't. When I told her she cried. After that, I avoided the subject like the plague, started feeling guilty when I talked about how much fun I had at his house, and started paying attention to the fact that when they were forced to be in the same room together the tension was unbearable.

My relationship with my uncle stayed pretty much the same, only I stopped telling him any story/anecdote if it involved my mam. He was the only male figure in my life and I kinda looked to him as a father figure of sorts. He was the bees knees as far as I was concerned. He didn't nag me about homework, tell me to clean my room or give out to me for, as my mam puts it "acting like an anti-christ." He was the fun uncle who tickled me for no reason, told great jokes and bought me great birthday presents. If he said my mam was mean, then she was mean. That sounds awful reading over it but I was a bratty 11 year old.

Then things changed. My grandmother, their mother, died. He'd tried getting in contact with me, but my mobile was off so he showed up at the house while she was out getting milk. When I opened the door and he was standing there I was shocked but mostly happy. I was sure this was the end of the awkwardness, and I would be able to have birthday parties with all my family in the same room etc. In all my excitement, I failed to notice the fact that he had been so obviously crying. After he'd told me we sat in silence waiting for my mam to come home. This still disgusts me but I actually thought that maybe this'd be the thing to bring them closer together. I eventually had to ring her, and my voice must have given away that something was wrong because she came bursting into the house at a half-run 'bout 5 minutes later and skrieked, actually shrieked, when she saw him standing there. Granted, she's always been a pretty jumpy person to begin with, but the fact that the sight of her own brother in her own home caused her to shriek... well, that just says it all really.

He was very polite during the funeral planning stage so much so that we went up to his house afterwards. She was full of talk about how nice he was and how he'd looked after all the details and she was very hopeful about how maybe she'd see him more often now. We didn't hear from him for months after that (the weekly visits had stopped as I got older) so those thoughts were quickly dashed. I think it was around then that I started hating him. I know that sounds melodramatic but there you go. I stopped making an effort to keep in touch and started resenting having to spend any time with him. It deteriorated so much so that we didn't even bother with birthday cards etc. at all. My phone broke and I didn't bother getting a new one so he had no way of contacting me unless he called the house phone, or actually showed up at my house. One of the reasons I never bothered to get a new phone was that I was hoping to push him into doing one of the above, but apparently he was fine with not hearing from me.

This went on for a little over two years, in which time I started to realize what it must have felt like for my mam being so cut off, even though for me it was by choice. My relationship with her improved a lot and I started to respect and appreciate everything she'd done for me. At time's she'd say stuff like "[My uncle] drove me into the hospital when I had you" and "[My uncle] and I used to have a few drinks while your nan watched you" which, far from making me want to contact him, drove me further in the opposite direction. Knowing that they'd once been close made it all the worse somehow. Anyway, a couple of months ago, on a whim, I picked up the phone and called him. My aunt answered, and she got a little teary, which made me embarassed, and so I agreed to meet up. At first I didn't want to but then I started talking to my cousins on MSN and realized I'd missed them, so I went. They'd fostered a little baby boy in the two years since we'd talked, which made me realize how much I'd missed, my cousins were all grown up and I was nervous talking to my own relatives. My uncle was the same tickling, joke telling, cool uncle that he was before but I spent the whole time I spoke to him running over the day my nan had died in my head and hating him. I faked smiles, laughed in all the right places and left feeling worse than when I'd arrived.

That was a couple of months ago and since then I've gotten really close to my cousins again, with the bonus of a new baby cousin too. But I can't stop looking at my uncle and hearing my mam shriek. Can't stop wondering why he would tell his children that she was "mean," why he just wants nothing to do with her. Recently I have caught myself about to ask him (or rather scream) what his problem with her is. No good can possibly come of this, I know. But god, it just consumes me. When I'm watching t.v and people have a falling out I start obsessing and wondering is that what happened with them? I can't stop thinking about it. It even keeps me up at night sometimes.

I don't know if it's just 'cause I know her better but she gives off this vibe like she is just as clueless about what happened as I am. She says stuff like "he wasn't always like this." Whereas he seems like he couldn't give a toss, inquiring politely about how she is but already moving on to a new subject before I've finished my sentence.

Now, the reason why I wrote all that is that I want to know where do I go from here. Do I keep pretending everything is hunky dory all the while inwardly wanting to slap the smile off his face, or do I ask him what happened? Do I move on, accept that this is just something that happened that I can't change and try to look at him as my uncle not my mam's brother who doesn't want anything to do with her? What if he refuses to tell me? Or worse yet, what if he tells me what it is she did that was so "mean" and I start resenting her?

I'm so confused.

Overheal

It's not your problem. You still have a healthy relationship with everyone in this picture as far as I can tell. Whatever happened between those two would appear from your observations to be well out of your expertise. Whatever happened, happened between them, and it is up to them to do what they will with whatever happened.

Now the only real question you have to ask yourself is how much do you really want to butt your nose in. Because you are right. You could very well learn something you didn't want to know. I would go with the devil you know, which is to be slightly bothered by the uncertainty of what happened than to actually know what it might be.

LegacyUser

It is not your problem. If you want to get involved just ask him nicely, politely, and compassionately what happened between them. There is no need for screaming or any childish stuff. Be an adult about it and ask direct questions. Or ask you mother; don't assume she hasn't a clue. She most probably knows full-well.

Either way you are being a headwrecker (to yourself) by surmising and getting melodramatic about this when simple non-judgemental questions would be more sane.

Beware, though, you may not like what you hear. Either way, make a decision and stick with it: either stay out of it, or ask the question and be done with the headwrecking.

All the best.