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I need to have DNA checked..

  • 26-05-2009 05:58PM
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4 Feared Killer


    I am a guy in his early thirties living in south Dublin and I have a 3yr old son who I absolutely adore to pieces and I promise all you readers that I will never ever let my love subside for this little dude as long as I live - but, I have major concerns over any biological links between myself and him.

    I am blonde haired and pale blue eyes and relatively slightly built.
    He is black haired and brown eyed and is already the tallest in his class by far.

    His mother is naturally fair haired and blue eyed too - so you can see where I am going with this right?

    Now, if I was only armed the difference in our appearance then I would merely put it down to some sort of genetic giggles on the part of our Lord however, the reason we split was down to her having an affair with some guy at work. He is taller than me, dark hair and dark eyes..... (cue the tall, dark and handsome comments, i know.. I heard them over and over again from herself)

    So you can see why I want to get this checked out, I have paid exorbitant maintenance for my son over the last 3 yrs, been put the ringer by his mother calling me all kinds of names and basically ruined every relationship I have had since.

    I will re-iterate that as of this moment my feelings will never ever change for my son but its eating away at me on the inside. If he is mine I will feel guilty for doubting our connection - but what can I do?

    Please dont reply saying that its best if I just leave sit and love the chap like he is mine etc etc.... I know this and I have had conversations with myself for over 2 yrs now.

    Does anyone know any way I can find out without asking his mother/ legal guardian?


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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4 Feared Killer


    Thanks


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,031 ✭✭✭Tim Robbins


    Thanks
    I don't know but I know someone who had a fling / whirlwind romance and she ended up lieing to him that the child was his. Probably because ehe's a kind, good natured fellow. He found out a few years when she told him.

    AFAIK all you need is some blood for a DNA test.

    Your name: Feared Killer, is a bti freaky considering what you're asking.


  • Moderators, Regional Midwest Moderators Posts: 11,318 Mod ✭✭✭✭MarkR


    Quick google brought up this.

    I of course have absolutely no idea whether they are reputable etc, so you'll have to do a bit of legwork to find a service you'd be happy with. I just google dna test ireland.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Ethically you should go via the mother

    You dont need blood - dna can come from a swap of the inside cheek
    commerically available services via web search


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 78,772 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    Its quite possible to have those combinations, you may be worrying too much.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,085 ✭✭✭Xiney


    If he isn't your biological son, blood types can possibly rule you out as the father as well, without the cost of a DNA test.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,097 ✭✭✭Darragh29


    Unreg3223 wrote: »
    Ethically you should go via the mother

    You dont need blood - dna can come from a swap of the inside cheek
    commerically available services via web search

    Any GP as far as I know can sort this out for you. Forget about asking the mother. Going by what you've said above I'd brace yourself for the shock of your life. It is extremely extremely rare if not virtually impossible for two blue eyed parents to concieve a child with brown eyes. Look it up on Google.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 911 ✭✭✭994


    Victor wrote: »
    Its quite possible to have those combinations, you may be worrying too much.

    Not really. I'd be 99% sure it's the other guy's child. And I'm not sure, but you may end up paying another 15 years of maintenance anyway.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,599 ✭✭✭BumbleB


    There was a couple in kerry years ago concieved a black child the genes had skipped 3 or 4 generations so its possible that the child could still be yours.also my sister au paired for a baby who had blue eyes in france which is pretty uncommon , I'm told ,the baby was theirs too.it seems you have gut feeling here and thats is more reliable than any dna test.


  • Posts: 6,645 ✭✭✭ Vienna Clumsy Self-destruction


    As someone else said, it is next to impossible for two blue eyed parents to have a brown eyed child. So the kid is most likely not yours. I do wonder why you didn't check this all out when he was born, if you knew about the affair. I hope you don't wind up paying for someone else's kid for the next 15 years.


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  • Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 16,999 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    A quick google has thrown up a couple of DNA testing places in Ireland, some require the mother's consent and others do not.

    http://www.easydna.ie/
    http://www.oqps.ie/
    http://www.paternity.ie/
    http://www.cellmark.ie/?gclid=CNDq45fu2poCFcIUzAodpF8yrg

    If you do need the mother's consent, are you prepared to deal with the can of worms it will inevitably open? Also, what happens if the child is not yours and the mother finds out? Is there a chance that she will stop you from seeing the child?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP if you are a guardian then you can arrange a dna test, although most dna tests require the 3 people, mother father and child, make sure you get and arrange the test through a reputable company/ doctor.

    And although the little lad might not look like either of you, does he look like any of your ex's siblings or your family, do any of them have brown eyes, my nephew looks nothing like his mum or dad and is often mistaken for my child he's sallow skinned but his mam and dad are pale, you need to look beyond him not looking like you both, I have a feeling your unease quite understandably stems from her relationship with this other lad, as the old saying goes don't judge a book by it's cover.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP as far as i remember you couldn't possibly be the father if both you and your wife have blonde hair. All due to different 'strength' of genes and blonde being the 'weakest' thus if one of partners has dark hair and the other is blonde, the child will almost always have dark hair.
    It's no proof for a court so to be 100% sure do the test.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP as far as i remember you couldn't possibly be the father if both you and your wife have blonde hair. All due to different 'strength' of genes and blonde being the 'weakest' thus if one of partners has dark hair and the other is blonde, the child will almost always have dark hair.
    It's no proof for a court so to be 100% sure do the test.

    Not quite.

    Think of blue eyes and blond hair as being weak genes, dark eyes and dark hair are strong ones. You have two copies of each gene, one from each parent. You give one random copy to your child, with their other copy coming from the other parent.

    If you end up with both genes dark, dark hair, same with eyes. If you end up with both genes blond/blue, that's what you get. But if you get one of each, the strong - dark - ones win.

    A dark person could have one light gene, or two dark ones. So two dark parents could both have one unexpressed light gene, and would then have a 25 per cent chance of having a blond child.

    You are blond, so you have no dark genes. Your ex is blonde, so she has no dark genes. Where did they come from? Case closed.

    http://askville.amazon.com/SimilarQuestions.do?req=genes-hair-color-mother-father


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 467 ✭✭aoibhebree


    Please dont reply saying that its best if I just leave sit and love the chap like he is mine etc etc.... I know this and I have had conversations with myself for over 2 yrs now.

    Have you thought about what you'll do if it turns out he's not yours? Will you stop paying maintenance? If so will that affect the boy's quality of life and are you willing to do that? And if you stop paying, is the mother likely to cut you out of his life altogether - I imagine if it's found that there's no biological link, you'd have no rights to custody.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 347 ✭✭Irlbo


    I was in the same boat before OP,and I can assure you,you have to be cruel to be kind,I was in a situation were I had a sexual relationship with a girl who was with unbeknownst to me a long term relationship with this guy who was none the wiser,anyway she ended up pregnant,and I find out about the guy and he found out about me,he stuck by her and she claimed the child was his 100%,but after the child was born,he left her,and she came after me claiming the child was mine,I knew in my heart it wasnt,and despite everyone telling me to see the child,and make an effort I stayed well away,a paternity test proved what i had known,it wasnt mine........................................dont be going at it with a mind that it is yours 100% or 100% not yours,keep it 50/50,so that way you wont be shocked when you find out the truth,if it isnt yours OP,get out of there,he isnt your responsibilty,thats the real fathers role.you have no obligation,it will be hard but thats way has to be


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,832 ✭✭✭littlebug


    the stuff about is being impossible for blue eyed parents to have a brown eyed child isn't true. My nephew has brown (well more hazel than brown)while his parents both have blue eyes. There is on question about his paternity and he's the spit of his dad otherwise.

    However this will continue to niggle at you until you know fpr sure one way or the other :(


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,831 ✭✭✭genericguy


    BumbleB wrote: »
    There was a couple in kerry years ago concieved a black child the genes had skipped 3 or 4 generations so its possible that the child could still be yours.also my sister au paired for a baby who had blue eyes in france which is pretty uncommon , I'm told ,the baby was theirs too.it seems you have gut feeling here and thats is more reliable than any dna test.

    I work in genetics - what bumbleb described is called 'penetrance' and isn't the same as what the op has described at all. while there's exceptions to essentially every rule of genetics, statistically-speaking if I were the op i would be demanding that test, and refusing to pay a penny until I got the result. it sounds like a sure bet that he's not the father.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,256 ✭✭✭metaoblivia


    I really feel for you, OP. My brother went through something similar and had his second child DNA tested because he found out his then wife had been cheating on him around the time the baby was conceived. It turned out he was indeed father, and it took a huge burden off of his chest. It's hard to invest so much love and money into a baby only to find out that they're not yours.
    I will say though, that genetics can be tricky. One of the reasons my brother questioned his son was because his son has dark blonde hair and blue eyes (still does and he's 6!) - my brother has black hair and brown eyes. Now that he's older, we can see that my nephew definitely favors my brother in looks; they have almost the same face, just different coloring.
    I think you should get the DNA test though, not only for your sake, but for the sake of the child. They too have the right to know who their father is.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 911 ✭✭✭994


    I personally think DNA tests should be mandatory, it would end a lot of crap. A birth cert. is a legal document and so you should need proof of anything you put on it.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    994 wrote: »
    I personally think DNA tests should be mandatory, it would end a lot of crap. A birth cert. is a legal document and so you should need proof of anything you put on it.

    I agree completely. Around the world literally tens of millions of men (if not hundreds of millions) are bringing up kids that simply aren't theirs and they are none the wiser !


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    unfortunately these things happen all too often.
    http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20138571,00.html

    Get the test done because it will drive you nuts otherwise.You may not like the results one way or the other and it may mean you will not get to see " your " son as much as before but you will know and make your decision from a position of knowledge.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,224 ✭✭✭✭Kinetic^


    aoibhebree wrote: »
    Have you thought about what you'll do if it turns out he's not yours? Will you stop paying maintenance? If so will that affect the boy's quality of life and are you willing to do that? And if you stop paying, is the mother likely to cut you out of his life altogether - I imagine if it's found that there's no biological link, you'd have no rights to custody.

    If it's not his kid then he shouldn't be paying to bring it up. If it's not this, then it is the mother's fault for trying to be deceptive and thus any fall in the quality of life for the child is her fault.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,262 ✭✭✭✭Joey the lips


    Here is a question linked to this! Is it possible for the op to have pat test with the mother knowing I dont think so!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Dna solutions. The lab is in australia so you dont need the mothers consent. You can get the kit online.

    Respect the childs privacy and dignity and try not to swab him in a public place.

    Remember this child loves you no matter what the results are.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You cant go by what the child looks like. I have a blond green eyed boy and neither of his parents have anything remotely like that.

    I have brown eyes, my mom has green and my dad blue. Genetics are roulette.

    Have you not read the thread ?

    Blue eyes are the weaker gene so if both parents have blue eyes then it is a freak occurence for the child to have brown eyes.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    Have you not read the thread ?

    Blue eyes are the weaker gene so if both parents have blue eyes then it is a freak occurence for the child to have brown eyes.

    but its still possible. It is no proof that OP is not the father. What is your point?


  • Posts: 6,645 ✭✭✭ Vienna Clumsy Self-destruction


    but its still possible. It is no proof that OP is not the father. What is your point?

    Well the fact that blue eyed parents producing a brown eyed child is very unlikely, along with the fact that OP knows his gf had an affair, I'd say it's a pretty good idea.


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Education Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 27,404 CMod ✭✭✭✭spurious


    It's not the little bloke's fault, regardless of how he got his brown eyes.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,375 ✭✭✭metrovelvet


    spurious wrote: »
    It's not the little bloke's fault, regardless of how he got his brown eyes.

    Yep. Blood is thicker than water but love is thicker than blood.

    Poor little guy. I hope you say sorry to him after you get your sample.


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