Just discovered my "best" friend is shagging the girl I love

sickpuppy32 · 26-05-2009 12:57am #1

just discovered my "best " friend is shagging the girl i love. what are my options?

going for break his nose at the moment, not too violent but not too wimpy
all ideas considered

Nevyn · 26-05-2009 1:02am

Advocating violence will get you banned from this forum.
I suggest you take a deep breath, suck it up, walk away and leave them to it.

sickpuppy32 · 26-05-2009 1:09am

fair enough cause we all know all violence is bad:rolleyes: but i wouldn't be asking if i wouldn't consider an alternative. just won't consider a wimp walk.

Jimmybump · 26-05-2009 1:12am

Violence wont solve anything pal ? never been in that situation so cant really give advice if i was i suppose id just shut the two of them of from me an get on with life ! i no that answer sounds cold because theres so much emotions involved but maybe you have to be cold in such a situation ?

Anyway whatver u do hope it works out for you in the long run !

sickpuppy32 · 26-05-2009 1:16am

i suppose whats wrecking my head is that we have a kid together and when i heard rumours a few months ago i defended them. it just looks like i was a dumb ass cuckold

drunkmonkey · 26-05-2009 1:33am

are you going out with this girl, or just in love from a distance...

i'd be walking away from both of them...

Nevyn · 26-05-2009 1:35am

All the more reason to be the bigger man and the mature adult as if you are violent she can use that as grounds to deny access. Which is more important, your pride in the short term or having a relationship with your child?

sickpuppy32 · 26-05-2009 1:59am

no intentions of been violent to her, i was raised better. weird thing is that i feel betrayed by my best friend. The fact that my childs mother is a slut and whore is no surprise to me

the_dark_side · 26-05-2009 2:13am

whats breaking someone's nose going to do??? seriously? Defend her honour? I dont think so pal... time to move on with your reputation intact... keep the head up!

sickpuppy32 · 26-05-2009 2:36am

nothing to do with defending her honour - more to do with defending mine. feel i've been made a laughing stock. i cant help it , its just the way i feel

t-ha · 26-05-2009 3:39am

You have been tbh. That's pretty sh**ty and I think the only thing you can do is kick 'em both to the kerb (that's a metaphor Mods). Sort out your rights to the kid, get real friends and don't act ashamed about it - they should be.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 26-05-2009 3:43am

You have a child, you'll be risking access if you assault him.

Get a DNA test to see if you're actually the biological father.

lehcar · 26-05-2009 5:18am

sickpuppy32 wrote: »

just won't consider a wimp walk.

So how about a brave walk?

Whacking your ex-friend is the easy impulsive immature route. It's on the same level as telling the traffic cop to F off.

Ask your GF what the story is. If she wants to dump the other guy and stay with you, then you have a choice to make. Infidelity happens, it doesn't have to mean a break-up--depends on the underlying cause, as it's usually a symptom of something else. Btw, it's not clear, are you and the girl living together or still in a relationship? Are you 100% certain you're the father?

Get to the bottom of it and make a decision knowing the full story.

The Sweeper · 26-05-2009 5:31am

I know you're angry, but "The fact that my child's mother is a slut and a whore is no surprise to me".

Well, then you didn't choose a very good person to be the mother of your child, did you? And if you're not surprised, you don't really get to be so annoyed about it, do you?

I'd drop the "slut and whore" childishness if I were you. Tell her you know what's going on. If you're in a relationship with her, then that relationship is obviously over, but here's a tip - you're the only one with something to lose here, meaning access to your child. If you persist with the name calling, you could well lose time with the child.

Oh - by every means, if you're in a relationship with her, you have every right to be furious and disgusted, but conduct yourself with more decorum than she has.

If you're not in a relationship with her, then sorry, what's this thread about?

tbh · 26-05-2009 7:23am

sickpuppy32 wrote: »

nothing to do with defending her honour - more to do with defending mine. feel i've been made a laughing stock. i cant help it , its just the way i feel

my advice: you'll have these thoughts for sure - that's totally normal and understandable.

However, saying them out loud makes you sound like a scumbag. Acting on them would/should embarrass you for years to come. It's nothing to do with you, there's nothing you can do about it, suck it up and get on with your own life.

Wibbs · 26-05-2009 7:37am

OK when the blood starts to go off the boil, try to look at this practically.

If you're not in a relationship with her at all, then that's one thing. OK it may seem a bit weird if a mate of yours has hooked up with her, but that's about it. Now if you had intentions of getting back together etc, then I could see some disappointment, but if that is the case then at least you know what's what on that score. Move on from that.

If you are going out with her, that obviously ups the ante in a big way. In that case being angry at both of them is completely understandable(and at yourself for missing the signs). Major sense of betrayal and I can see why you would be seriously píssed off. In your circumstance I would be the same. Probably entertain notions of revenge in the heat of the moment myself too. Damn right I would and I would make no apologies for it, or think it "immature". It's a perfectly natural reaction. On so many levels. I'd be more worried about myself if I just sucked it up and said "ah well these things happen". Sod that. But similar to above, now you know what's what and that you can trust her as far as you can throw her(same for your "mate").

That would and should pass though. Keep it together. Going off on one on him(or her) will do you no practical good in the long term. Keeping your powder dry and backing off is the mature thing to do in my humble. You can consider her all the whores in the world, just keep it to yourself.

Now a few points. Is the kid definitely yours? If so, then you've a responsibility there. Do you have a relationship with the kid and/or do you want one? Do you think she will restrict access for the kid? If you go all punchy and aggressive she will and if she is of the mind to, she can use how you act now as leverage down the line. You don't need that hassle. She'll be with the other guy, you'll be stumping up maintenance and she'll restrict access to your child. You'll lose basically.

As for taking her back if it comes to that? Personally I wouldn't. Yes cheating doesn't always mean a breakup, but if the situation is as you describe it would for me. They would be both scraped off and out of my life as much as possible considering you share a kid. The fact that you have a child together shouldn't influence this decision unless you can both provide a stable environment for the child.

I don't envy you I must say.

markesmith · 26-05-2009 9:14am

Just stop all contact with both of them. I'd also go for the DNA test if I were you, just to be sure.

You know, it's the two of them that come out much worse from this - you won't be seen as a cuckold, more as a man who got out in time and handled the situation maturely.

You'll probably look back on this and thank the Lord that you found out when you did.

But if I was to offer any advice here, I'd say get the DNA test, and have nothing more to do with either of them. You deserve better mate.

legend365 · 26-05-2009 9:31am

Violence is the wimp's action. Anyone can be violent, takes a real man to walk away.

Success is the best revenge.

If i were you i'd go for a few drinks, get it out of my system, and concentrate on being the most important thing in my childs life.

Wibbs · 26-05-2009 9:49am

markesmith wrote: »

Just stop all contact with both of them. I'd also go for the DNA test if I were you, just to be sure.

You know, it's the two of them that come out much worse from this - you won't be seen as a cuckold, more as a man who got out in time and handled the situation maturely.

You'll probably look back on this and thank the Lord that you found out when you did.

But if I was to offer any advice here, I'd say get the DNA test, and have nothing more to do with either of them. You deserve better mate.

Very true. Better to find out now about both of their disloyalty than later(if you were together).

The DNA test would be a good plan if you have a genuine suspicion the child is not yours. However make damn sure your suspicion has some validity, rather than a suspicion coming on the back of your anger and hurt. You ask her for that and it turns out the child is yours then that's more leverage for her if that's what she wants to pull. It will píss her off(naturally) so make sure as I say you have some basis for asking.

legend365 wrote:

Violence is the wimp's action. Anyone can be violent, takes a real man to walk away.

I agree, but at the same time, own your anger. You have every right to be angry if she cheated on you in this way. It's all very well to say these things happen, but that's not the real world. These feelings are real so don't deny them. Work through it and use it constructively.

All too often we're told(especially men) that anger is a no no and you must be "mature" about it. For me maturity is recognising the anger within ourselves for what it is. If it's unfounded then work through that. If it's rooted in reality well then use it in a practical way. Focus it into dealing with this situation for your own good and the good of your child.

Success is the best revenge.

Agreed. If the situation is as you have described, your ex mate has got the shítty end of the stick and no mistake(if he decides to keep her around of course). He's got himself someone that has the capability to betray someone, the father of her child. Not good. Now of course there are always two sides and we're only getting yours, but if it is what it is you are well rid. The only issue is how you can move forward and how you can be involved in your childs life.

mandysmithers · 26-05-2009 10:37am

sickpuppy32 wrote: »

no intentions of been violent to her, i was raised better. weird thing is that i feel betrayed by my best friend. The fact that my childs mother is a slut and whore is no surprise to me

Just because she's having sex with someone she's a slut and a whore? This is the 21st century for god's sake! And the guy she's with isn't a slut?? And how can you say that about the girl you 'love'??!!

Were you ever in a relationship with her, or did she become pregnant after a one night stand? Either way, you're not going out with her now, and she's free to see whomever she pleases. I understand it hurts to see her with your best friend, but they are both free to do what they want, although it feels ****ty for you.

LegacyUser · 26-05-2009 10:56am

mandysmithers wrote: »

Just because she's having sex with someone she's a slut and a whore? This is the 21st century for god's sake! And the guy she's with isn't a slut?? And how can you say that about the girl you 'love'??!!

Were you ever in a relationship with her, or did she become pregnant after a one night stand? Either way, you're not going out with her now, and she's free to see whomever she pleases. I understand it hurts to see her with your best friend, but they are both free to do what they want, although it feels ****ty for you.

Give the guy a break, hes obviously angry and hurting. Hes naturally gonna say some stuff about her, arising from hurt.

OP Wibbs and others have said it all.
Keep the cool and walk away, for the sake of your kid. Be a role model always, even if they can't appreciate it yet.

gmitStu · 26-05-2009 11:06am

I say break his nose. Give her a few slaps as well.

All in all it will make you feel better, and make them feel worse.

Wibbs · 26-05-2009 11:08am

mandysmithers wrote: »

Just because she's having sex with someone she's a slut and a whore? This is the 21st century for god's sake! And the guy she's with isn't a slut?? And how can you say that about the girl you 'love'??!!

Well if I was in his situation, was in a relationship with her and she did this then I personally would strain the vocab of the english language in describing her and my "mate". "Slut" would be the least of it aimed at her TBH. Ditto for the friend. If it quacks like a duck.... I'd get past that, but initially? Damn straight. It's not the fact she's having sex, it's the fact she would be having sex with someone she shouldn't and should take the consequences of that, including him thinking she's a disloyal slapper and so is the friend.

Were you ever in a relationship with her, or did she become pregnant after a one night stand? Either way, you're not going out with her now, and she's free to see whomever she pleases. I understand it hurts to see her with your best friend, but they are both free to do what they want, although it feels ****ty for you.

That's the problem of course. We don't know the lay of the land. No pun intended. As I say if they weren't together, then ok it may throw him, but that should be that. Judging by his emotional outburst it sounds like they were. Then again maybe not. In which case he needs to step back.

Wibbs · 26-05-2009 11:10am

gmitStu banned for a week, for advocating violence against the charter of this forum. Please read it on your return.

IIMII · 26-05-2009 11:20am

Feck it, leave them to it. They will probably split and it will all be forgotten about. That is unless you hammer the lard out of one of them. If you do that, they may well split anyway but it will always be remembered that you went in high boot benny.

And what happens if he knocks the bolllx out of you? I wouldn't bother to be honest. And if she doesn't have any interest in a relationship with you, what can you do? You have a blood relationship with your child, you don't have to or need to have more than a working relationship with his/her mother in terms of the child.

Let nature take it's course and walk away. More fun to plough forwards than backwards to be honest

fcleere · 26-05-2009 11:37am

Just because she's having sex with someone she's a slut and a whore? This is the 21st century for god's sake!

that someone is his "best friend" though for ffs!!

id be of the same mind as the OP, dont want to be involved in a fight, but just give your man one good slap and leave it at that, ya dont wanna feel like a door mat.

now im not sayin you should do it, but thats how i feel.

i think whether you're together or not is irrelevant, and this 21st century crap also. mother of your child and your best friend, that **** shouldnt be goin on!
but maybe you just need to cool down a bit, then make your decisions.

t-ha · 26-05-2009 1:41pm

mandysmithers wrote: »

Just because she's having sex with someone she's a slut and a whore? This is the 21st century for god's sake! And the guy she's with isn't a slut?? And how can you say that about the girl you 'love'??!!

Yeah pretty much. I doubt if he's too happy with the guy either. The fact that posters are telling him to test if the kid is really his or not is a pretty good demonstration of why men take their partner's fidelity very seriously. As for 'how can he say that', of the two (calling your partner or whore, versus sleeping with your partners best mate) there's not much of a comparison. I'd have to say the OP is ok to say pretty much whatever in the hell he wants.

Sugar Drunk · 26-05-2009 1:51pm

I don't think anyone could b;ame you for being angry. If she was going out with you and has been with your mate then a few of the names however harsh are probably a bit justified.

If you dont know how long this has been going on get the DNA test asap and see if the child is yours and work from there.

If it is yours and you want to sort out access rights then violence is only going to lessen your chances of getting it so don't go there.

get your rights sorted , as for the two of them well - they deserve each other and if she has cheated on you well she may well do the same to him in future who knows.

da_shivsta · 26-05-2009 2:11pm

If you have been going out with this girl, and have a relationship with the child, then would a DNA test really help anything? I mean, chances are you're gonna be fairly close to the child and even if it's not yours, would you feel any different about the child?
Plus, I'm sure the child is attached to you and you still have to consider this -I'm not saying to get back with the girl (that's your decision), but my point is I think you should maintain a relationship with the child for his/her sake......whether s/he's yours or not.
I don't know that's how I see it. As for the gf, well I'd say have a good chat, cheating doesn't have to end everything, it can get back to normal and trust can be regained. Trust me, I have experience. It can often be a sign of something else. As for your friend, I doubt theres an excuse for him, but think about your past with him too.

prendy · 26-05-2009 2:20pm

im surprised at the amount of people saying go for a DNA test? I mean he's obviously been a father to this child for the childs life, he can hardly just walk away even if he's not the biological father he has been this childs father in every other way for this long.

Not saying dont do it but its not as simple as turning off a tap, were talking about a child here.

Wibbs · 26-05-2009 2:28pm

I agree, but it would change things. If nothing else on the maintenance front. Why should he pay for another guys kid? Now cool if he's attached to the child and wants to do that and be fully involved, but as I say from a legal standpoint it would make a diff if it isn't his kid.

Personally it would make an emotional difference as well to me. Every time I looked at the kid I might be reminded of her betrayal and lies and why should I waste my emotional focus on a child that's not my own. May as well be some random kid on the street. Now it would entirely depend on the age of the kid. If it was a baby in arms I would most likely walk and chalk it up to experience TBH. I'd keep some maintenance going until such times as the real father got involved. If he or she was older and had bonded to me I would keep in their lives as they're innocent of the parents issue. Then again I'm cold that way and I realise others if not most wouldn't be like that.

Like I said earlier I would be damn sure I had a proper suspicion before I went down that road of DNA testing though.

Amalgam · 26-05-2009 2:30pm

prendy wrote: »

im surprised at the amount of people saying go for a DNA test? I mean he's obviously been a father to this child for the childs life, he can hardly just walk away even if he's not the biological father he has been this childs father in every other way for this long.

Not saying dont do it but its not as simple as turning off a tap, were talking about a child here.

She can shackle him financially until the child is an adult, that's the reason for the DNA test. Not only shackle him, but with no need to be 'responsible' herself, legs akimbo, come on in..

mandysmithers · 26-05-2009 2:42pm

I just presumed, seeing as he didn't refer to the girl as his girlfriend, that she was someone he was in love with, but not in a relationship with, or was previously in a relationship with. So, she is free to sleep with whomever she chooses, and isn't cheating on the OP. So while it isn't very nice behaviour on her or the OP's friend's part, it doesn't make her a slut or a whore. If she WAS/IS cheating, then that is a bit slutty alright.

prinz · 26-05-2009 3:04pm

sickpuppy32 wrote: »

The fact that my childs mother is a slut and whore is no surprise to me

Lovely.Was it a suprise to you before you had a child with her?

Don't use violence.Take a step back and look at the situation, particularly regarding the child. Your line of thinking should be something like this; kid first, Mother second, Best mate distant third.

Just discovered my "best" friend is shagging the girl I love

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