Anger control problems

LegacyUser

I'm going through a rough patch with my boyfriend right now and we're looking for some much needed advice.

Recently, my boyfriend has been going through a very difficult time at home and it's taken a bit of time for me to catch up on exactly how he's been feeling but I've done it. It's a long distance relationship and we've been on and off for about 3 years, we're both 18.
Anyways, his frustration at home has started to reflect onto our relatonship and we're getting into fights more often.
By this I mean practically everyday day if not more than once a day, over ridiculous subjects.

I admit I'm really quite condesending when angered, but I do stay very diplomatic in the way I say things... which seems to annoy him more. In response, he starts cursing at me, calling me terribly awful things and telling me to go fcuk myself every two minutes. To make things worse, he splits up with me right after, emphasizing the fact we're not made for each other and so on and so forth.

The next day: he's genuinely deeply apologetic for what he said, and I can't say no to him because I really care for him, I don't want to break up at all, I know it isn't entirely his fault, and I can see how hurt he is in regards to the previous night's break up. I also admit I was wrong to provoke him at certain times (I'm entitled to self defense, but I mean perhaps I'm a little too defensive at times).

However this has happened 6 or 7 times over the past 2 weeks, and I have tried talking to him about his incapability to control his anger. He admits he can't control it but says he can't do anything about it.

additional info: I'm going to go to university in Ireland for him instead of going to an Australian university. He said our fights won't be so verbally violent if we're face to face.

I'm unconditionally in love with him, and these recurring fights are killing me, and whilst I'm taking it with a pinch of salt because of the difficult moment he's passing though, I just can't help feeling like a punching bag.

How can I stop the recurring fights and break ups?

Thank you in advance.

LegacyUser

Wow what are the chances of finding my girlfriend making a post on boards!

Here's the link to a thread I made recently, before you all bash me without full insight of the matter: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055569729

themadchef

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm going through a rough patch with my boyfriend right now and we're looking for some much needed advice.

Recently, my boyfriend has been going through a very difficult time at home and it's taken a bit of time for me to catch up on exactly how he's been feeling but I've done it. It's a long distance relationship and we've been on and off for about 3 years, we're both 18.
Anyways, his frustration at home has started to reflect onto our relationship and we're getting into fights more often.
By this I mean practically everyday day if not more than once a day, over ridiculous subjects.

I admit I'm really quite condescending when angered, but I do stay very diplomatic in the way I say things... which seems to annoy him more. In response, he starts cursing at me, calling me terribly awful things and telling me to go fcuk myself every two minutes. To make things worse, he splits up with me right after, emphasizing the fact we're not made for each other and so on and so forth.

The next day: he's genuinely deeply apologetic for what he said, and I can't say no to him because I really care for him, I don't want to break up at all, I know it isn't entirely his fault, and I can see how hurt he is in regards to the previous night's break up. I also admit I was wrong to provoke him at certain times (I'm entitled to self defense, but I mean perhaps I'm a little too defensive at times).

However this has happened 6 or 7 times over the past 2 weeks, and I have tried talking to him about his incapability to control his anger. He admits he can't control it but says he can't do anything about it.

additional info: I'm going to go to university in Ireland for him instead of going to an Australian university. He said our fights won't be so verbally violent if we're face to face.

I'm unconditionally in love with him, and these recurring fights are killing me, and whilst I'm taking it with a pinch of salt because of the difficult moment he's passing though, I just can't help feeling like a punching bag.

How can I stop the recurring fights and break ups?

Thank you in advance.

I dont know where to start here.

The thing that stands out the most to me is, you are 18 yrs old and you fight almost daily yet you love this goy "unconditionally"

Yes it will hurt, but, IMO you need take a break. It doesn't have to be his fault / or your fault, the blame game is not the issue. This issue is the fact that you are both unhappy. Simple as that.

He sounds as unhappy as you. Staying friends rarely works for many reasons, jealousy is one of them. My advice can be quite clear here. Split up until you get your heads sorted. Neither of you need to jump into another relationship straight away. If things blow over in the mean time, if the space you've allowed each other to breath in actually makes you remember why you love each other again, then discuss it.

You need to say what's on your mind first. If You can't talk it through without fighting write it all down, get him to do the same and mail it to each other. ..and really hear what's being said.

Best of luck to you both.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Recently, my boyfriend has been going through a very difficult time at home and it's taken a bit of time for me to catch up on exactly how he's been feeling but I've done it.

So how come you haven't been aware of his difficulties, did he conceal them from you or did you just fail to listen to him...?

Unregistered wrote: »

I admit I'm really quite condesending when angered.

That sounds horrible and very provocative.

Unregistered wrote: »

but I do stay very diplomatic in the way I say things... which seems to annoy him more.

Hmm, so the content is 'diplomatic' but the delivery is condescending?
What one person sees as diplomatic another can see as two faced.

This sounds disingenuous OP, are you deliberately winding him up and showing off how clever you are at the same time?

You light the touchpaper and then get to stay on the moral high ground while he swears like a sailor.

Unregistered wrote: »

In response, he starts cursing at me, calling me terribly awful things and telling me to go fcuk myself every two minutes. To make things worse, he splits up with me right after, emphasizing the fact we're not made for each other and so on and so forth.

It sounds like he sees through your little wind up scheme but cannot articulate himself as well as you. So he resorts to verbal abuse, not good of course but handy for you, you can play the wounded innocent and again and detract attention from the actual content of the argument.

Unregistered wrote: »

The next day: he's genuinely deeply apologetic for what he said,

Good. But regardeless of how provocative or disrespectful you are, it doesn't justify him losing his temper with you. However, I do not think you are best placed to preach anything to him as you have anger problems yourself.

Unregistered wrote: »

and I can't say no to him because I really care for him, I don't want to break up at all, I know it isn't entirely his fault, and I can see how hurt he is in regards to the previous night's break up. I also admit I was wrong to provoke him at certain times

Yes you were, very wrong. You are half to blame here.

Unregistered wrote: »

(I'm entitled to self defense, but I mean perhaps I'm a little too defensive at times).

You are going too easy on yourself here. You are passive aggressive and you are doing more than self defence, you are using classic PA tactics. Very sneaky and sly.

Unregistered wrote: »

However this has happened 6 or 7 times over the past 2 weeks, and I have tried talking to him about his incapability to control his anger. He admits he can't control it but says he can't do anything about it.

He can do something about it. BUT as I said, you dont have much credibility in encouraging him to seek help for the anger when you are yourself deliberately instigating it.

Unregistered wrote: »

additional info: I'm going to go to university in Ireland for him instead of going to an Australian university. He said our fights won't be so verbally violent if we're face to face.

Well, do that if you want but do not use it to throw it back in his face later...ok? As in 'I STAYED IN AN IRISH UNI FOR YOU WHEN I REALLY WANTED TO GO TO OZ'

Do what you are doing but dont try to use it as emotional blackmail later.

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm unconditionally in love with him, and these recurring fights are killing me,

Well then, stop provoking the fella. Accept responsibility for your half of the blame. Give him some breathing space.

Unregistered wrote: »

and whilst I'm taking it with a pinch of salt because of the difficult moment he's passing though, I just can't help feeling like a punching bag.

Unregistered wrote: »

How can I stop the recurring fights and break ups?

Hmm, cant you see you are part of the problem? Your criticisms of him will have more credibility if you stop behaving the way you are. He needs to accept responsibility for losing control. But you need to listen to him and allow him to speak.