My Life!

LegacyUser

I dont know where to start....

I'm in my early twenties and...living at home!!I moved out for 4 years when I was in college/working! I only moved home as I was doing professional exams but could not afford to support myself and pay rent etc. I'm not working as im just finished exams, so I think the fact that I'm constantly in the house doesnt help!

My mum is a housewife and has always stayed at home. My 'dad' is not my real dad...but thats the way it always was when we were growing up so thats what we call him and the way it is!! However, we have completely clashing personalities and sometimes I cant bear to be in the same room as him! I have an older brother, who has emigrated...we had a love hate r'ship and he was the only one I could talk to and who understood the 'family problems'. We have never had any contact with our 'real' dad but it was always a tough issue. We were sat down by "dad" when we were about 10 and 11 respectively and asked whether we wanted to talk to him/visit him...and what if he asked to see us!!We were also told that he physically abused my mum. However, having a younger half brother and sister and being in a 'happy' family and being so young, I always felt like it would be to cause trouble to want to see him, and I dont think we fully understood what was going on or what the right thing to do was!Im quite a shy person also so it takes me a while to get comfortable around anybody, but I would also never want to cause trouble and always thought it would make things difficult for my mum. My older brother is pretty laid back so would prefer not to get involved in things like that!

I really really dont get on with my 'sister'...we just dont see eye to eye on anything...she's the complete opposite to me...really dizzy, loud, outgoing, flirty, tries a lot! She's only 18 but likes to think she's 'mature' for her age. I'm quite shy, reserved and academic which also sets me apart from the rest of the family...in a negative way!!I can only put it down to envy at this stage. I would study up to 16 hrs a day during exam time...and they would insist on blasting music...and if i asked them to turn it down, it would either get louder or else they'd just get back at me by saying i was so selfish, that eveybody has to go out of their way for me and that i should just move out, nobody wants me in the house anyway!I always get v emotional during exams anyway....a small distraction is bad enough, esp when i was so committed!!anyway...i dont fight back, just go into my little corner! Also during my exams...i was moved out of my usual study room up to a bedroom in which the wall was against the kitchen...and my 'dad' who is unemployed and does nothing all day, sits on his ass with his feet up, (while my mom would be cooking and cleaning!!) watching tv as loud as possible, with speakers all around the room!!Nearly everyday id ask him to turn it down a little bit or watch tv in the sitting room, we have quite a large house so I would not have been able to hear anything from there...but he would just ignore me and continue watching it where he wanted at the level that!!

I havn't had a conversation with him in about 6 weeks and I'm starting to hesitate even calling him 'dad'. I've heard him ranting about me whilst he's drunk and I just dont feel comfortable in the house anymore! Both my parents are smokers but insist on hiding...-one of them going out side and the other switching on and off the ligths etc. My sister is also so indiscreet about it though, which makes it tougher to deal with!!
Anyway, I prob come across as selfish, and I know thats what most of my family think too....but it is only because i care so much about their health...that i dont see the logic in voluntarily causing a health risk to your own body... and I worry about it!
Im an anti-smoker and I also stay well away from all types of drugs...!When I was about 12 I found hash that my parents had been smoking...I got really upset, I didnt understand the effects of different drugs then but just knew it was a type of drug...I may have overreacted...but I remember running into our house from a neighbours house with it and attacking it with deodrant, and hiding it in the soil of a plant pot!!
Its always been a constant battle with me trying to get them to give up....they think im 'too sensible'!They really dont have the money to support the habit either!
Im not trying to tell them what to do or influence their decision, I just find it frustrating esp when my mum is battling other illnesses which smoking exacerbates!

Anyway, there was a minor argument triggered (we dont get on at all, so nothing unusual!) between me and my sister one sunday afternoon....I was sitting at the computer in the sitting room where everyone was watching tv, when my sister came into the room and made some comment, which set my 'dad' off....he came straight over to me and just outs his face into mine...far too close for comfort shouting and roaring, spitting in my face....my response is not to respond, because the tears would just start streaming, and telling me to get into the other room, I didnt move because I had things on the computer that I wanted to log out of, and before i know it, he's grabbed me...and dragged me into the other room and threw me, with force onto the floor....!!i had bruises all over both knees and a cut on my finger, which has scarred!!Anyway, while this was going on..my mum was insisting he stop and so was everyone else...my younger cousins were also in the room, and saw it all!
(He has quite a violent streak which is usually only triggered when he's drunk...I've seen a few incidents which just make me shiver!)
Anyway, he left the room (had taken my phone, which I only realised about half an hour later) because it had been in my hand when it all kicked off and ended up over the other side of the room when he threw me on the floor!
I should prob also mention, I'm about 5'3 about 8 stone...he's about 6'4 and over 20 stone!!

So while my mum is comforting me,saying she cant believe he just did that, he goes out for his cigarette, and then comes back, shouting saying, there's no way he's apologising and he'll do it again just as quick...also told me to get out of the house (I would if i had the money!!) My parents left to drop my cousins home, I went to my boyfriends...I felt like i had to tell someone!My mum rang that night to see if i was alright...and when I came home the next day she said we all have to sit down together to sort things out!!I completely avoided him fro about a week...and now we still dont talk!6 weeks on,nobody will mention anything!

When 'he' gets drunk (regular occurence!), he always comes out with such hurtful things like 'i could die tomoro, the one thing that worries me is that noone will look after your mum!'...just emotional blackmail in my eyes, because he hasnt had a proper job in the last 2 and a hlf yrs, and if he cared more, my mum wouldnt be so stressed about money al the time!

I'm lucky to have a best friend who i can talk to about most things, however we've been friends for over 10 years so I have never been able to bring myself to saying it to...as i think it would seem like i was living a lie for so long! There were a few times when friends were over and seen pics of my parents wedding and were like, that's really strange, how come u were at their wedding...or u dont look anything like your dad!! The only person I've told is my current boyf...he listened to me and was v nice about it but he couldnt really offer me any advice!

I also cry most nights, thinking im not the best person I could be....!I dont have a v strong r'ship with my mum because I feel like he's too overpowering...He controls eveything she says and does and wants to know eveything....there'd be no such thing as saying anything to her that wouldn't get back to him!I dont mean secrets, but just small things...im not v confident, as you may have guessed!! There's so many other issues giong on at the min too,..my mom stopped talking to two of her sisters about 10 years ago...her brother that lived with us for about 8 years last summer, they've fallen out with a neighbour of over 17 years, my 'dad' has fallen out with one of his sisters about 3 years ago, the other sister last years, another sister has taken sides with the other too, as has his mum....!!I know its not the best way to deal with it, but i find, they're both so so negative and bitter about eveything...that i just find it easier to stay out of it for my own piece of mind!!They look for my opinion, but I usually just stay quiet!I never talk about my own life to them either...I always offer to do anything for my mum, but apart from that I find they just put a negative twist on everything!!

There's just no-one I can really talk to, that would understand what I'm going through!

barbiegirl

Exams are finished. Get a job, move out. It doesn't matter of it's packing shelves, but move out. You are old enough to take responsibility for your own happiness. He's a Pr*ck, abusive and nasty. You are living in a toxic environment, so you must get out.
However don't be so judgemental about how other people live their lives. I don't smoke or drive a motor bike, my sister did for years, I worried about her but it was her life, her decision. It didn't make me love her less.
Being different to your sister, I was studious, she was sporty and rebellious, when you both have some space, you'll find it doesn't necessarily mean you have to hate one another. In our teens I think my sister and I barely spoke without fighting. Now she's my best friend.
The past is past, concentrate and making a future for you. Learn to be happy :-)

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Well firstly I think its great that you have a good education to create a foundation for your future, you need to have minimal contact with these people that are causing you such hurt. Like the previous poster said if you could get any sort of a job to keep you going for now to enable you to make the break that would be a great start. There are so many families like yours and many a lot worse, so its not your fault, would you consider getting in touch with your real dad now that you are older? I think you will have a great future but don't let others bring you down..