ADVICE PLEASE re custody arrangements.

emmamos

Hi All, I'm new to this i'd like to ask for advice. i split up with my partner of three years at the end of last year, he says our daughter is the most important thing in his life but hasn't seen her since christmas, he doesn't pay any maintainence, he is claiming tax credits for her, he kept all the presents that she apparently received from his family for christmas and her first birthday and now he wants to have her for a week every month which i can't let happen as 1 unfortunately she probably wouldn't recognise him now and 2 he lives the opposite end of the country. i never once stopped him from seeing her, but i want my daughter to have her father in her life so what i think i'm asking is am i wrong or has anyone else been in a situation like this.

P!nk

I was in a similar situation. The father of my child had no interest until my child was about a year and then wanted to take him over night. He didnt know who he was and I didnt trust the father with him either. But you cant really stop them seeing the child unless you have a major reason.

Taking your daughter a week a month is really not ideal for many reasons!
A weekend or a night here and there is fine. A whole week will take her out of any routine she has(as I have found in my experience they dont listen to you when you ask them to keep the routine)
Also problems with school when they start(It comes around quicker then you may think) and childcare! Most places require you pay every week even if the child is absent.
He will need to get to know her before that though because it might make the whole experience very tramatic if she hasnt people she knows around her.

I also advise you to make sure the father does the travelling to pick up her up! Thats not your responsability.
And regardless of his cash situation he will have to pay maintainence, Its his responsability!

Fathers are somewhat over rated in the sense that anyone can father a child but it doesnt make him a parent,I believe a father figure in a childs life will give them the role model they need. I want to clarify that Im not trying to slate fathers that enjoy parenting and being with they're children!

My last piece of advice is that things will settle down with time, even if it doesnt seem like it and just enjoy being with your daughter!

MariMel

My son is 7 and his father takes very little interest in him......but when he does decide he wants to see him then he wants my son to go stay the other end of the country for a few days. Which I have done now every few months for a long weekend at a time.
The first time he even wanted me to 'send' my son down to him....as if i would 'send' my on a train or bus is beyond me but there you go.

OP your daughter doesnt know this man, and thats what he is....some man...a stranger. My son thinks his father is marvellous....well for about a week after every phonecall.......the one every 3 months!!! ....and for about 3 days after he stays with him............then Ihave to deal with the nights of crying cos he doesnt know whats wrong with him, only for him to say he misses his dad.....why doesnt his dad phone him........why doesnt his dad visit.
I will not allow my son to go stay with him anymore.....he takes no time to get to know him...yet thinks he can take my son whenever he wants. A relationship needs to be built up...it cant be imposed.

OP your daughters father needs to understand that his reintroduction to his daughters life needs to be gradual. Maybe down the line he can have more custody time....although given where he lives that wont be as practical as he might like especially when your daughter goes to school and trust me that time comes round only too quickly.

Good luck......be strong.....try and come to mutual decision on this.