What should I do???

xXxhotstuff xXx

well lads sorry in advance for the long post but i really need help with this and i need to tell the whole story.
last july i started going out with this lad, we'll call him X to make things easier. things were great at the start but we soon started having fights and broke up. we got back friends again and were soon going out again but things went in circles the whole time-we fought, we wouldnt talk, wed make up, wed be friends, wed go out again-this happened a good few times and a couple of months ago we agreed we were friends and we didnt see ourselves going out again.
we both started seeing different people but remained best friends. he has only gone out with one girl since we broke up and that didnt last long but i have been with three guys one of which i have been with for the past 2months. we'll call my current boyfriend Y.
the other night X met Y and neither of them like each other. X is my absolute best friend in the whole entire world and i don't know what i would do without him but i really like Y and don't want to lose him either.
that night i got locked out of my house and X came for me despite it being the middle of the night and made sure i was ok and brought me back to his house to keep me warm and then dropped me home again in the morning. he told me how he still loves me and he wants to be more than friends. i realised i still love him too and told him this but said i didnt want to hurt Y. i didnt tell Y i was with X as although nothing happened between us i know he would not be happy. i tried to tell him but kept chickening out.
i was with both X and Y the next night too but not together. X came over as a friend and when he left Y came over for the rest of the night. when i told X that Y was over he said he was hurt that i could have Y over after him after all he had told me about how he felt for me. he told me he doesnt understand how i can have feelings for the both of them and i cant go on the way i am, lieing to both of them-which i am not doing. he told me its either him or Y, i have to make a decision. Y doesnt know any of this is going on and thinks everything is fine. X is pressuring me for an answer even though we both agreed if i did pick him we would not go out until after the summer as he will be working 6days a week and will not have time for a girlfriend. X has let me down in the past and i am afraid that if i do pick him he will have changed his mind by the end of the summer and i will be worse off than when i started. i also do not want to lose Y as he has been nothing but lovely to me the whole time and i am mad about him.
What should i do???

LegacyUser

Well I feel sorry for Mr Y.

Sounds like you and Mr X or pure poison for each other. He's not much of a friend to put you under this pressure.

No offence but grow up and make a decision once and for all.
Surely you do not what you want?? We all do if we are honest with ourselves.

Failing that perhaps you should cut them both lose and spend some time alone and find yourself because you don't sound in much of a state of a mind to be in a relationship right now with either to be honest. Nothing wrong with taking a steap back and being single.

LegacyUser

Hi there.

Im currently in a similar position to Y. very similar indeed....! so excuse me if this is a little biased!

1) Firstly, X has let you down in the past. You have a nagging doubt whether or not he will do so again, I believe IMHO that he probably will. You have both gone out with different people before, so this shouldn't be that much different.

2) Y is starting out like the way X did. Yes, X has history, but X has let you down too. To give Y a shot, might be what you need to really drop any feelings for X.

The best thing to do, would be to look at both of them as people, and weigh up their good and bad points, and how they relate to you, and your immediate future.

Personally, I would give Y a shot..

ellie1

I think u should forget about X and Y and start concentrating on U.

i-digress

It sounds to me like you want Mr. X. Unfortunately you want the dependable qualities that Y seems to have.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you're more into X than you are into Y, and Y is more into you than you're into him.

Problem is you can't have your cake and eat it. If you get with X he may break your heart, but you can't eliminate all risk in life. I think you just like the dependability of Y, and the fact that he adores you. I was in one of those relationships before so I'm not judging you. But I think you should break up with Y.

LegacyUser

Reread you post OP...."i realised i still love him too and told him this". Thats your answer right there! Let Mr Y go for his own good, you said you dont want to hurt him but believe me it will hurt a hell of alot more 5-6 months more down the line when you decide to break up with him for Mr X or cheat on him. I have been in Mr Y's position a couple of times and the next time it happens I'll walk straight away from any potential relationship at the first signs.

In all honesty the best thing for you to do is get rid of both men and be single for a while.

Call me Socket

I think you should cut ties with Y because you have no intention of really giving it a shot with him do you? Be honest....(with yourself, not us).
Let him go, it sounds like he could be a decent guy and doesn't deserve what you're putting him through, albeit unknownst to him.
I suspect that the reason you want to hold onto him is because you are adored by him....it's a nice feeling isn't it? But it's not reason enough. He doesn't erm...light your fire does he? Cos he's too nice....he treats you very well and you're not familiar with that.
And there's something appealing about the risks involved in choosing X....

I feel that you should make 'X' a permanent 'Ex'. But, I don't think that any advice or opinions given here in response to your dilemna is going to make a whole lot of difference. You more or less have your mind made up, you just don't realise it yet.


This bit that you wrote:
"i was with both X and Y the next night too but not together. X came over as a friend and when he left Y came over for the rest of the night. when i told X that Y was over he said he was hurt that i could have Y over after him after all he had told me about how he felt for me"

Why did you tell X that you had Y over? Surely it's none of his business, seeing as Y is your boyfriend and X is not. Did you tell X in the hope that it would make him jealous? I suspect that you are manipulating the situation to get the result you want, and I don't mean that in a bad way....I don't think you're even aware why you're doing what you're doing.


This is a competition in X's head. And like anyone, he wants to win. X had you, he lost you. Several times. Y has you now, and X wants you back. Because at the moment, Y is winning, and X doesn't like losing.

"X is pressuring me for an answer even though we both agreed if i did pick him we would not go out until after the summer as he will be working 6days a week and will not have time for a girlfriend."

A true friend DOES NOT pressure you. No ifs ands or buts about that. And eh...if a guy told me he wouldn't have time for me til after the summer cos of work committments... he could go kiss my donkey. Sod that, I wouldn't be treated like that by any fella.

You will though. Sorry to say it....

You and X will be on off on off on off til one of ye gets some self respect. I've known girls in similar situations....unfortunately one of them never did accept responsibility for her own feelings, always expected the fella to make her happy and complete, always dumped that huge task on their shoulders. She's 35 now and still on and off with various gobsheens who always let her down....and she still can't figure out why she attracts these wasters.
They're the sort that light her fire, and she doesn't even know that she goes looking for them.

OP, let Y go gently, and tell X he might be in with a shot with you when he cops on to himself and learns how to appreciate you and treat you as well as you deserve.And you need to get to a place in yourself where you decide you will not accept second best anymore, and realise that the sort of man that you deserve.....is Y.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I was in the exact same position a few years ago and I chose Y. X had let me down in the past and I decided to make that the reason to choose Y.

Y and I stayed together for years after this (much longer than X and I went out) but, as happens in most relationships, Y did eventually let me down. And on more than one occasion. What sucks is, I probably let me choice of Y over X persuade me to give Y another go when I should have ended things with her.

Y and I are properly broken up and I haven't spoken to X for years. What sucks so bad to admit to myself is, I still have feelings for X! I'd put money on it that I'll never see X again. I don't have any contact details for her, I'm pretty sure she lives in England now and I doubt she'd even reply to me if I did contact her because she didn't take it well that I chose Y over her.

Even after years with Y, it's X that I miss more! It is a point of regret but I chose head over heart all those years ago.

Would X and I work out? I guess I'll never know but I do know that at the time of the choice, my heart wanted X. I just allowed my head to make me pick Y.

I'm not gonna tell you what to do, I'm just giving you the 'what if' from someone who picked Y

xXxhotstuff xXx

Thanks for yer advice im still completely confused but ye have helped.

Call me Socket wrote: »

This bit that you wrote:
"i was with both X and Y the next night too but not together. X came over as a friend and when he left Y came over for the rest of the night. when i told X that Y was over he said he was hurt that i could have Y over after him after all he had told me about how he felt for me"

Why did you tell X that you had Y over? Surely it's none of his business, seeing as Y is your boyfriend and X is not. Did you tell X in the hope that it would make him jealous? I suspect that you are manipulating the situation to get the result you want, and I don't mean that in a bad way....I don't think you're even aware why you're doing what you're doing.

i didnt tell him hoping to get him jealous i didnt want to tell him but he was texting and ringing me all night and when i didnt reply or answer he kept on at me to tell him why and i never lie to him.

Call me Socket wrote: »

A true friend DOES NOT pressure you. No ifs ands or buts about that. And eh...if a guy told me he wouldn't have time for me til after the summer cos of work committments... he could go kiss my donkey. Sod that, I wouldn't be treated like that by any fella.

i was the one who originally said this as his work was one of the original reasons we broke up. i told him i didnt think it would work out because he would be working too much to see me and he then said he thinks it would be better if we waited until after the summer when he will be finished working. he also told me he is thinking of moving away in september as there is nothing keeping him here but me and he would like me to come with him.




i am still in love with X and cant imagine my life without him but i am crazy about Y. i love spending time with the both of them but hate the fact they dont like each other. i can tell X absolutely anything and when we dont see each other we spend hours on the phone every night and texting during the day. i see Y alot more often and it would crush him if i broke up with him and i dont want to even think about losing him either. he treats me better and we trust each other completely-trust was something X and i had problems with. i want to stay with Y but fear that if i do i will lose X forever and cannot even imagine what i would do without him!