How to handle stupid grown up crush.

LegacyUser

This is so ridiculous it makes me cringe typing it! Basically, I recently met my cousin's fiance for the first time. She's been living abroad and recently returned with her new man. He and I clicked straightaway and now I'm borderline in love with him. It sounds so stupid I know, we're not even teenagers,all in our thirties. But I'm a bit obsessed. I would never dream of acting on it or even displaying my feeling but I'm finding it really hard. I'm close to my cousin so I see them alot. My main problem is that this isn't just some random guy, it's someone who will be in my life forever through family connections so I'm just wondering if anyone else has had a situation like this? Had a crush on someone you can literally never,ever be with? My cousin even jokes that I'm his favourite of her family and how she's glad she met him before I did! Normally I'd be confident that something like this would pass but what if it doesn't and I'm lusting after him for the next 30 years?

Some real advice would be great. I don't need to told I'm silly for feeling like this because I know! Also, I already said I'd never act on it so please don't tell me I'm betraying my cousin.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

I suggest just leaving it as a crush, as you've said yourself your cousin will be forever in your life therefore this man is out of bounds, although there's little harm in having the odd nocturnal fantasy about the guy, we all have fantasies (even married people) to spice up our day! But don't betray your cousin, and if you give the guy the come on he may very well sleep with you but he will never be yours in the eyes of the family!

sparkydee

I agree with the above poster. If as you said you're not going to act on it there's no harm being done. But please try to distract yourself from it don't let it take over your life. I know from experience it's easier said than done but for your own sanity you need to move on. I wish you well

LegacyUser

wouldnt worry too much about it.
My mam's sister was mad about my dad, and encouraged my mam to go out with him just so she could see more of him. It was a crush and she freely admitted it.
Skip forward 20 years and they are the best of friends and the little crush all forgotten about as he is more like a brother to her.

The thing is you must never step over any boundries.
I would recommend never being alone with him for too long, especially when drink is taken.... not forever of course, just till you get a handle on your crush.

Think of it this way, your cousin has found someone you very much aprove of, who just happens to be your type.... means you've more in common with your cousin than you think.

LegacyUser

I'm in a similiar situation...have fancied my best friend's boyfriend for years now. The guy is very, very good-looking and very sexy...he's the type of fella that most women would go for, you know the types!

The first time I met him 7 years ago, I was immediately attracted to him and was afraid my friend would pick up on it. Like yourself, I would never DREAM of acting on it but it got to the point where I was feeling guilty about some of the daydreams I would be having about himself and I together and I was trying to push them out of my mind, which only made it worse. The Catholic guilt kicked in and I felt I was betraying my friend by having these "lustful thoughts". My friend isn't the jealous type, thank God, but I still would hate to give her reason to be.

I'd hate to think my friend knows how I feel but I'm presuming she must realise the affect this guy has on other women. He's a very good-looking guy. Unlike yourself, my attraction is just physical...never let myself get close enough for any other feelings to develop.

Only advice I can give you is trying to avoid talking to him for too long or spending too much time in his company...this is something I started doing early on when I realised I'd have these long, in-depth conversations with him after a few drinks and I suppose sometimes you're not aware you're flirting yourself but it could be obvious from an onlookers point-of-view i.e. your cousin's. Dangerous and possibly hurtful. Make excuses if you have to you...if you find it's just yourself and him talking in the room, try and include someone else in the conversation. Try and keep your distance, keep things civil and keep interaction on a small-talk level. Just keep telling yourself that this is your cousin's OH and he's out of bounds. I'm attracted to my best friend's OH less and less now because I've kind of convinced myself to view him has a brother I wouldn't dream of going near. Hopefully this is how you will see him in time. I usually find that if nothing comes of ANY crush i.e: acting on the sexual urges...you get bored and the feelings disappear over time.

Saying this, sometimes you can go to such great lengths to avoid the cousin's OH, that it either looks obvious that you like him (women know other women's minds better than men do, don't forget that) or else you can't stand him. Make sure you maintain the balance.

lehcar

Had a slightly similar situation once. What cured it was falling in love with my next woman. So, go hunting

Seriously, if you're single, start dating.

Firetrap

Ah you poor thing. All I can suggest is that you try not to spend too much time in his company and keep to your promise that you'll never do anything to betray your cousin. You can't turn emotions on and off unfortunately but hopefully the crush will fade over time

gogglebok

I would agree with all of the advice here. Crushes often turn into good friendships, but you have to be careful. Can I suggest that you not put alcohol into the mix? Don't go drinking with the guy, under any circumstances, until you are miles beyond the crush. It's just too easy for the inhibitions to dissolve.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi Op, something similar happenened to me which took over 2 years of constant thinking and wondering before it came to an end..I still secretly fancy this guy who is a very good friend of my brothers. Anyway I knew him as a friend and thought he was a really nice guy, nothing else but one night we were out in a big group and something clicked between us, Im 37 hes 30 now, anyway nothing ever happenede because I am in a very long term relationship, apart from a few text messages and one brief uneventful planned meeting. But I thought about him every single day numerous times, still do actually but the big attraction is more or less gone as he is in a new relationship. I was embarrassed by how silly and girly I felt and was constantly snapping at my partner in the earlier stages. My heart would still do somersaults if I saw him, even though I wouldn't do anything I should. I thought I was having a midlife crisis so I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one... It will pass eventually

LegacyUser

Oh god, I so know how you feel!!It's horrible!(but Im glad to hear other people feel that way too). I have major crush on a guy I work with....can't ever have him, and would never act on it, but in a parallel universe who knows!
Like others have said, be careful around him when there's drink involved til you get yourself in hand. I'm settling for good friends with the guy I know...maybe you should head that way too! I wouldn't go out of my way to avoid him or anything, but just be careful!It will pass sooner or later, and but you'll just have to stick with it til then!