I cheated

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my oh for 12 years, previous to this i have never slept with anyone else only him. I love him to bits (or always presumed i did) but yet i cheated on him with a man i have been flirting with over the past few months. It was harmless flirting that turned serious and we ended up sleeping together. Half of me wanted to know what it was like to sleep with someone other than my partner and the other half just fanced this other man.

The thing that is bothering me most is i dont regret sleeping with the other person (i had a great time). And what does this say about me as a person? Im wondering do i have a concience at all ? i mean this man has a long term partner and children i have a long term partner who is one of the most kind loving people i have ever met and yet i do this and feel no remorse.

I am intrested has anyone else ever been in this situation

Beau x1

I love him to bits.

The thing that is bothering me most is i dont regret sleeping with the other person (i had a great time). And what does this say about me as a person

You don't. Simple as.

Lolaa

Was in a similar situation - made me realise i didnt love the person that i convinced myself i loved. . Told him about it, ended things and have since moved on

MIN2511

Every day people cheat on their partners, it is not a new thing. It would never stop because it's part of human nature.

My take on this, do you want to remain with your partner? If you do, then there is no need to tell him. Some people will say, tell him and ye can work together to make things work. That's not always the case IMO, you don't need to inform him of everything. Some relationships work better this way.

Do not jump into hasty decisions(break up with the bf expecting the new man to stay) that RARELY works.

Personally this is what I'd do.. Keep quiet, access things(where you want to be, what the future has in store, financial commitments, family and all other things you.

SarahSassy

The bottom line is that you need to figure out why you did it? You have been grooming him for the past few months and this infedility was very much premeditated - why are you staying with your bf?

MrStuffins

!

Silverfish

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Noelleieos

Personally I think you should tell him, if he finds out some other way later down the line things could get much worse. First decide where you want to go with the relationship, if you cheated on him and don't regret it there is something wrong there. You should sort it out sooner rather than later.

MrStuffins

I apologise! I have edited my comment. My smart mouth got the better of me.

To the OP: I think it's just natural to be curious as to what it's like to be with someone else. I know one of my friends who was in a relationship for a few years. Wanted to know if he had what it took to cheat onhis GF.

He kissed a girl, just kissed her, and it broke his heart. But at least he found out, and told me it wouldn't do it again.

forumlover

Having been on the receiving end of a situation like this, I know exactly how your other half of 12 years would feel if he does find out. If he loves you half as much as I loved my other half, it'll kill part of him inside. My wife didn't tell me. I found out by myself. To say it was the worst day of my life is an under-statement.
One difference between the stories is that my wife did regret her infidelity and we are now trying to work through it. The problem I can see here is that you don't regret your experience, therefore how can you possibly convince yourself that it'll never happen again.

LegacyUser

I suspect from your post that you intend sleeping with this person again! If the person you slept with was single, secure, and offered for you to simply move in with them would you do it? If the answer is yes then it's simple, you don't love your partner.

I think you may love your partner like the way a sister loves a brother, but you may not be in love with him, that explains some of the lack of guilt. I think the other is that you MUST have some issues with your partner and sleeping with this man was a form of rewarding yourself, escaping from the issues.

Have you ever thought about separating and dismissed it for financial/practical reasons? Or are you with your partner because this new lover simply can't be permanently with you?

I think if the roles were reversed would you feel differently about things?
Anyway, my advice is as above, assess your situation at home and plan for your future because your relationship sounds over as a healthy loving relationship, there's no need to tell him what you did, save him the hurt, but I think you can't steal another 12 years of this man's life while you enjoy yourself outside the relationship, why do that to him, it wouldn't be fair and if you love him then you can at least be fair to him!

Miss Fluff

Sometimes it takes something as momentus as this to happen for you to realise you are with the wrong person. And you obviously are. If you're not eaten up with guilt then it's time for some soul-searching. It will be hard to disengage after 12 years but better now than waste more time when you've now realised you don't love him as much as you thought OP.

A lot of people here will say tell your partner. I don't think you have to tell him at all but you can't be with him anymore and live a lie if you don't love him the way you once used to imho.

I did the same a few months before ending a long-term relationship. Didn't sleep with this other person but came pretty close and knew myself that I was in my own way testing the water. It confirmed that I shouldn't be with my long term partner anymore. He was heartbroken, I found it very very tough to disengage as well, but he never found out about my infidelity and if you intend to make a clean break then I don't see why you should tell your partner either - nothing is to be gained from it. You did what you did so time to be responsible for your actions. (Incidentally, if you do break up with your partner, I really don't think that it's advisable to get involved with this other guy seeing as he has a wife and child....clearly a case of frying pan into fire). Go and enjoy being single for a while.

The Sweeper

I have a question - as opposed to why did you do it, I want to know something.

Why don't you regret it?

And 'because I had a good time' is too shallow - there has to be something more...

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

The thing that is bothering me most is i dont regret sleeping with the other person (i had a great time). And what does this say about me as a person? Im wondering do i have a concience at all ? i mean this man has a long term partner and children i have a long term partner who is one of the most kind loving people i have ever met and yet i do this and feel no remorse.

There's three things that stick out.

1. No guilt and you had a great time.
2. You have been flirting with this man for months.
3. You don't care that he's married AND has children (This is his responsibility of course but it still shows that you have no respect for his family)

So, yes. Come clean. He'll dump you and you'll deserve it. you don't love your partner.

It also shows that you are pretty shallow but I've heard of so many many cases of people cheating on their partners that it's hardly a suprise that you don't care. I mean you could chalk it down to human nature but to be honest it's a cop out. you slept with this other bloke because you wanted to and you don't feel bad because you don't love your actual boyfriend but are really just keeping him around for emotional support.

NickNolte

You've committed the ultimate betrayal. You don't deserve to be loved by your partner. Whether you tell him or not, you should at least end it with him and allow him to move on with his life and find someone more deserving. Simple really.

sarsarsar

Beau x1 wrote: »

You don't. Simple as.

I dont think you can judge if she loves him or not, to be honest

OP i think if you feel you've a future with this guy, then dont tell him. It'll only serve to put him through immense pain.
However you need to decide why it is oyu dont feel guilt. This sounds like a warning bell!

LegacyUser

sarsarsar wrote: »

I dont think you can judge if she loves him or not, to be honest

OP i think if you feel you've a future with this guy, then dont tell him. It'll only serve to put him through immense pain.
However you need to decide why it is oyu dont feel guilt. This sounds like a warning bell!

I agree with this. All of it. It is ridiculous for someone to come out and state that the OP does not love her O/H, "simple as". Yes, she has disregarded his trust, she has been unfaithful (without feeling guilty), but I think it is still very possible that she could still love him. People are unfaithful for a variety of reasons, and the OP has explained hers. She feels that she needed to know what it felt like to sleep with someone else besides he O/H. Does this mean that she doesnt love her O/H? Of course not!

The not being guilty part though? Well, thats the bit that I'd watch OP. Answer me this, do you want a future with your O/H? Or has the relationship fizzzled out to the extent that the idea of beginning a relationship with someone new appeals to you more than staying in the one your in? If so, well then there you go.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

I agree with this. All of it. It is ridiculous for someone to come out and state that the OP does not love her O/H, "simple as". Yes, she has disregarded his trust, she has been unfaithful (without feeling guilty), but I think it is still very possible that she could still love him. People are unfaithful for a variety of reasons, and the OP has explained hers. She feels that she needed to know what it felt like to sleep with someone else besides he O/H. Does this mean that she doesnt love her O/H? Of course not!

Yes it does. She wants to sleep with someone else it means she is not attracted to her other half as much. Sex is still very central to a relationship and if you've been with someone for 12 years and decide to flirt and then sleep with someone else without guilt, it's pretty obvious that you don't love the person your with.

3DataModem

Wagon wrote: »

She wants to sleep with someone else it means she is not attracted to her other half as much.

This is a myth. That she chose to act on that desire is a more important indication than just having the desire.

token56

As far as I'm concerned what you have done is pretty disgraceful for a few reasons. You have knowingly made the decision to sleep with another person breaking the trust between yourself and your partner for pretty selfish reasons by the sounds of it.
If you wanted to sleep with someone else just to see what it was like, it sounds like you might be a bit bored with the sex live between yourself and your partner, maybe i am wrong about that, but the reason itself still seems to be a pretty selfish reason to sleep with someone else.

As you said maybe you just fancied him to much, it was lust and slept with him, this indicates a problem with self control. You are in a relationship and should really have more self control at a minimum out of respect to your parter.
What is also worrying is that it sounds like for whatever reason you just decided to sleep with this guy without care for your partner, or the family of the guy you slept with, again maybe i'm wrong. But i think the least you should do is tell your partner, who has been with you for 12 years, at least out of respect, regardless of whether you want to carry on your relationship with him or not.

Whether or not you do want to continue on with this relationship is something i think the both of you should discuss together, its not fair for you to make the decsion for both of you without him knowning what has happened.
I guess its important that you think about exactly why you did this, do you still love your partner, was it just lust, are you bored with your own sex life?

But probably more important is why you feel no remorse. Do you think you would do this again, if so its time to end your relationship. Is it that you think you did nothing wrong, or you dont care about your partners feelings?
Whatever the answer to these questions are, you need to first of all tell your partner, he deserves to know, and second look at whether or not a relationship with him is right for you at the moment.