Sister-in-law dilemma

LegacyUser

My brother recently married his fiancee and I used to get on with her. In fact I lived with her and she was a nice person.

I see her a few times a year now and lately I feel like there is no connection between us. While we became good friends when we lived together, when we left there was no effort made on her part to keep up the friendship. I would initiate emails/texts, she would never call or if I called their house, it would be my brother that I would speak to, she would never speak to me.

I took it to being just her way because she was foreign (She is Asian and spent half her youth in Asia and the other half in Australia). The last few times we met up I found it hard to gel with her. She never pays me any compliments and sometimes can be insulting.

She came home with my brother not so long ago and I found it hard to be around her because I don't feel good around her. She lives in London now and I sometimes get the impression that she is better than me because I am from this "backward" town while she lives in cosmopolitan London.

I am confused. My family love her but I have gotten to know her better and either she dislikes me or is jealous of me in some way? I don't think she is jealous - she is a pretty girl with a successful job. I am even unsure if she dislikes me as I got an email from her a few months ago saying she was looking forward to seeing me?

I'm confused. Can anyone throw some light on the subject?

StormWarrior

I have to say, I find your post really weird. Why would you even expect your sister in law to pay you compliments? You are upset because she doesn't comment on your beauty or fashion sense? Also, saying at first you assumed she didn't bother to keep in contact because she's foreign, have you made other assumptions about her based on her race? Maybe she feels you've been discriminating against her in some way? The rest of your family love her so she can't be that bad. You say she doesn't bother to contact you but then you say you got an email from her in which she said she was looking forward to seeing you. So she has kept some contact with you after all. IMO you seem insecure, easily confused and a bit desperate. Why not just leave it and just be civil to her if and when you see her? If you've been trying to contact her loads with her barely responding maybe you've scared her away? Just because she's married to your brother doesn't mean she has to be best friends with you or even like you. Or maybe you've just grown apart? Let it go.

iguana

Tbh, OP it sounds as if you feel intimidated by her rather than anything she is doing wrong. I agree with the previous poster, why would you expect compliments from her? That sounds a little strange to me.

RHunce

it seems to me like you may feel ostracised as she has seemed to form a sort of wall between you and your brother. a little word of advice, just because youre related doesnt mean you have to like them. that might just be the way she feels about you

LegacyUser

Why would paying compliments be seen as weird? That's what girls do with each other when they bond. They support each other, that kind of thing.

All I meant by her being foreign was that she might have certain ways, certain customs, e.g. Australians are generally known for being laid back. Hardly discrimination

The email she sent me was one that I had initiated. The reason I am trying to keep in contact with her (and I'm not barraging her with emails) was to welcome her into the family. I just don't get that sense of camaraderie I get from my other girlfriends and I did before from her.

She will be coming here in a few weeks to a family wedding. If she doesnt like me then I don't really want to be hanging around her but she will know nobody, whereas my brother will know everybody. And I hate to see anyone being thrown into that situation.

Firetrap

I dunno. Are you analysing things to death or reading too much into things? Am I right in reading it that she's living abroad now where you used to be in closer contact? Perhaps it's just that you've drifted apart a bit. When she comes over, be perfectly pleasant and don't fall out with her or tell your brother how you feel.

SarahSassy

If you say she was nice and friendly to you before and has cooled since you got married, its highly likely that she does not feel the need to be nice anymore now that she has married your brother. Maybe she was being polite and friendly trying to impress him and but just cant be bothered. Let her off.

CDfm

Your brother is married to her and they are their own unit.

I think you are expecting too much from it and they and she has moved on.

Maybe you are reading too much into it or maybe he blames you for taking his bike without permission when you were 10 and it got stolen and she has taken that on. Who knows but it doesnt really matter and you should get over it and not over analyse it.

iguana

Unregistered wrote: »

Why would paying compliments be seen as weird?

Nobody said that it was weird to compliment each other, what's weird is the assumption that if you don't receive compliments from her that she doesn't like you.

I was thinking a little about this and I wonder is it possible that it's weird for her to go from your friend to your s-i-l. Did you live together before she started seeing your brother? Did you know her exes? Has she told you funny stories about previous sex disasters or outrageous stuff in her past? Perhaps she now finds it odd that her husband's sister knows this stuff about her?

LegacyUser

I think you are just over thinking things.... did you ever think that maybe she's busy, or has other things on her mind ?
I'm one of those people that if someone is not near me, or a constant, I tend to keep contact to a minimum, not on purpose, it's just my way... I would put the closest to me first, if ya get me ?
She's probably the same.

I dont think she is jealous of you, but I think you may be a tad bit jealous of her. There is nothing worng with this, we all get jealous sometimes, but there is no need to project your insecurities onto her.

lehcar

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm one of those people that if someone is not near me, or a constant, I tend to keep contact to a minimum, not on purpose, it's just my way

I'm like that too, I haven't spoken to one of my closest friends in 10 years. But I know [from previous experience] that if I move back near him again, it'll be like I was never away. It could be the same with her.

Bear in mind also, she's in a very new environment on all fronts. She likely has a lot going on trying to settle into it all. Give her a couple of years to find her feet and comfort zone.