Difficult child access case

banjaxx

Just met with my 10yo daughter for the 1st time in a couple of years. Her mother (my xGF) has been very antagonistic with me ever since our brief affair ended. We never lived together; by the time I knew she was pregnant, we were long finished.

xgf has since re-married, and our daughter has had a fine stepdad practically all her life.

Because of the hostility between xgf and myself, I went to court when daughter was almost 2 and was granted access - this went okay for about 3 years, and my daughter and I got on great. However as I had been living abroad for most of my daughter's life, and with xgf obstructing at every opportunity, access became increasingly difficult and sporadic.

The courts have re-stated that I should be allowed to see my daughter, and as a result I got to spend an hour in her company last weekend. This was at their house. It was also stipulated that xgf or her husband should be present to ensure daughter stayed in the room with me. (it's been so long since I've seen her, that she might not have stayed otherwise).

As it was, BOTH xgf + stepdad stayed in the room for the hour; it was as difficult a situation as I've ever faced. I was on one side of the coffee table... they were on the other... daughter was sitting with her head bowed... too shy to talk to me in front of her Mum + Stepdad.

Luckily I had my camera with me, so I asked daughter if she'd like to see the pictures on it... this gave me an excuse to get closer to her. From there playing with the camera was an icebreaker...and I was enable to engage with my daughter.

In the fullness of time, the plan is that I should be able to take daughter to my own house, but it's a question of building up to that.
Lots to overcome before then though... e.g. when I go back for the next scheduled visit in a few days, I can easily imagine that this time daughter could be strategically positioned so as to make it v difficult for me to have any meaningful engagement with her.

I suppose I'll have to think of something else to bring along, and again hope that it'll work as an icebreaker.

---

Since writing the above, I've since phoned to arrange the next visit, and they put daughter on to me who told me that she doesn't want to see me.

I'll go along anyway (too much at stake not to) but I can see them being as "unwelcoming" as they were previously. If anyone's got any ideas how to make the visit work(to begin with), I'd be really glad to hear them.

Thanks P

LegacyUser

I hear you.

You have to understand that a 10 year old is just a kid and of course will find it difficult to see you in that kind of environment. It seems very hostile and I wonder what type of Einstein it took to come up with that solution. Its fairly obvious it would not work.

I am divorced and lost contact to my daughter for a few years but it resolved as she got older.

Thats a very unusual access arrangement and I wonder who came up with that.

Have you contacted any fathers groups such as this one

http://www.usfi.ie/

KittyeeTrix

Just keep engaging with your daughter and try as hard as you can not to be drawn into any disparaging comments to the ex or her fella whilst you are there,,,,,,,,,,,,,]
Children are wonderfully receptive to positive feelings and as long as she is feeling that you are truly there for her she will respond to you,,,,
At the moment you are treading through a minefield and so tread carefully but you'll be fine as long as you keep your eye on what is important here-your daughter, you will be okay:)

The same thing has happened with my brother in law and his child from a previous relationship (child said she did not want to see the dad). Just remember that the child is living in a house where she is most likely not hearing anything good about you and she is acting only on what she is hearing or maybe being told. So for this reason you need to really connect with her in the most positive way that you can.
Also just remember that they are not children forever and will at some point be capable of making their own mind up so hold on in there and be the best that you can be, like i said again, do not get caught up in a battle with the ex and bf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KittyeeTrix

Sorry OP, forgot to say......
I too have a 10 year old daughter and she is mad for Hannah Montana and High School Musical.
As far as I know most 10 year old girls are, so maybe a sticker book pertaining to one of those would be good because each time you go to see her you could bring her some new packets of stickers, she would enjoy seeing what stickers she was gonna get and they don't cost the earth each week:)

Also if you have any friends with girls about the same age it would be no harm to chat with them and maybe get an idea about what 10 year old girls are into etc,
Hope that was some help and good luck

LegacyUser

in this circumstances because your child has said that she doesnt want to see you anymore and based on your information about the hostile nature of your ex i'm presuming the child was forced into saying what she did by either the ex standing beside her as she talked to you or the ex and partner talked in a negative way about you in her presence OR else she said it because she is unsure of you as its only recent youve been back in contact with her after being away.

Keep trying to make contact with her. Send her a card and gift every once in a while
You could agree that you dont see her for a little while but phonecalls could be in place so that you can start building some form of communication with her.

If that fails then i'm afraid its looking like a trip back to the courts but not before you try some form of mediation. I know full well that the family support agency thru Citizens Information based in Cork, Dublin, Limerick and Galway are available to arrange mediation between you and the ex and her partner to discuss putting some differences aside for the sake of your child and that after about two or three meetings the child is brought in to the mediations to find out what they really want to do as well. I dont know the full reason for this i just presume that this is done so the child can be happy with the arrangements from the mediation and to add stuff if he/she wanted.

Speak to your solicitor if all else fails. At least you are trying to amend some bridges. Good Luck

banjaxx

Re how this arrangement came about... it was negotiated outside of court... tbh considering how long my daughter and I have been apart, meeting at her house was the best way forward (though I had only expected that either mum or stepdad would be present also for the initial access... both just makes things oppressive).

I take on board what is said about not getting involved in arguments etc. The last thing I want is for us to argue in front of our child.

When my daughter said she did not want to see me it was in the presence of xgf and stepdad, which gives me hope that it was not said with 100% sincerity.

Yes I agree it's a good idea to send cards etc.
Re mediation: we've been there... alas it only works if both parties are willing to participate.

Kidchameleon

Hi Op,

I cant really offer any more advice than the above. Id just like you to know that my thoughts are with you and I wish you, your daughter, her mother and her stepdad all the best, im sure this will work out.

Regards.

metrovelvet

If you chose to live abroad for most of your daughters life you cant just pirouhette back in. You are a stranger to her.

This is unconventional advice but i would suggest all of you go to family counselling so you can let go of old battles and move forward.

GusGus

Hey just wondering was there mention that the courts might have ordered a Section 20 report to be carried out on the family situation?

It is going to be difficult if the X is working against you but perhaps someone or the courts could explain to her that she may wel regret working against you in the future as your daughter may well turn against her when she is old enough to realise that you did make an effort to have contact with our child.

I know you have worked away for years and it would of beeen best if you had styed in contact. Phone and letters and cards would have helped but isten that is past now and you seem to be making an effort.


You need to think now what your ten year likes and work with her on that. It is important not to give up even when it becomes very difficult as this will only prove your X correct. Remember It is going to be very long and difficult process but the rewards should be even greater.

Best of luck with it

banjaxx

This week's visit was about as bad as it could get. My ExGF+ my daughter's Stepdad on the sofa... with my daughter tucked in between... still in her night clothes for some reason. My only option as I wanted to be close to daughter was to kneel at her feet, and talk to her from there.

So exgf says to daughter, what would you like to say to him, to which daughter responds "I don't want to see you". Exgf then comes out with stuff like... do you want us to have to take her to a psychologist...and gives me a load of abuse... all in front of the child.

Worrying thing though was that this time daughter remained hostile for remainder of this visit... and I think it was genuine. The thing is I know I need to persist... however bad it gets. At the same time if daughter really doesn't to see me, I hate the effect my intrusion into their family life is causing.

Oh and no one should feel too sorry for me... it took me far too long to get off the mark in the early days. Being abroad, and exGF's hatred towards me were no excuse.

B

LegacyUser

banjaxx wrote: »

So exgf says to daughter, what would you like to say to him, to which daughter responds "I don't want to see you". Exgf then comes out with stuff like... do you want us to have to take her to a psychologist...and gives me a load of abuse... all in front of the child.

B

That is horiffic, the poor child what kind of parent would say such a thing to their child, forcing them to say to the other parent (albeit that you have been absent for a long time) that they didn't want to see you. I'm disgusted, my childs father has no act of part in her life except for birthday/xmas cards but there is no way I would ever do this to her, and to abuse you in front of her is unacceptable. You really need to look at mediation, this is not working for you and doubtful it will given what is going on. Don't give up on your daughter if you are genuinely interested in being part of her life, follow this through, prove to her you really want to be part of her life don't let any obstacle get in your way, however if you are doubting in any way that you can remain committed to this especially if the going get tougher then walk away now, this is about the child and she deserves respect and honesty.

LegacyUser

OP I've a friend(Lets call her Jane) who's husband was in a similiar situation for 12 years. Ex did everything to keep him away from his daughter. Complete nightmare.
When they got married, the ex wasn't happy and when Jane got pregnant a couple of years ago, the ex would roar abuse at Jane and send threatening text messages.
In the end the daughter found out what her mother was doing and left her mother and they don't really speak now. She lives with her dad, his wife, & brother who she is mad about.
I know its not exactly a happy story and it's probably not right that she has little contact with her mother but all these things come to a head.

My advice would be to do everything you can to maintain some level of contact. Give her a mobile phone if u have to and call her as much as you can and let her know that she can contact you, day or night. That way when she needs you (and she will) she will know that you are there.

994

Go see http://www.dont-forget-about-daddy.co.uk/, a site about parental alienation syndrome, it sounds like a classic case.

Amazotheamazing

What's best for the child here? She seems to have a loving family, albeit one which doesn't include her biological father, is it really in her best interests that you reappear in her life after a prolonged absence?

banjaxx

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

What's best for the child here? She seems to have a loving family, albeit one which doesn't include her biological father, is it really in her best interests that you reappear in her life after a prolonged absence?

Well that's $64K question... you may well be right...

LegacyUser

Why did you move abroad OP? How many years was it you were gone for?

You can hardly be surprised your daughter feels rejected. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but the truth is that most fathers would move heaven and earth to be near their child. You voluntarily chose to live in another country. If she was really your first priority (as a daughter should be to a father), you would not have lost contact for years. She's ten, she's not stupid. She has a stepdad who has been there for her for all her life - can you blame her for not wanting to see you?

Now none of that excuses her mum making things difficult for you in the first place, or abusing you in front of the child. That's not on at all. But from the mother's perspective, you are causing her child great distress. You have suggested the child has been manipulated into feeling this way about you, but I think you need to own up to the fact that your own actions have cemented this. The kid knows you chose to live elsewhere for years rather than see her. She doesn't need to be manipulated. If you were my dad I'd be pissed at you too.

I would strongly suggest NOT crowding up to her on your visits, if you decide to continue them. She is hiding between her mum and stepdad because that's where she feels comfortable. Invading her space will not make her open up to you.

Good luck. I hope things can work out for all of you - the mother, the stepdad, you, but most of all that poor kid, who sounds like she's having an absolutely terrible time.