Depressed brother

LegacyUser

My brother is an off the drink about three months. He finally hit his rock bottom and stopped without the assistance of AA or any other therapuetic intervention. He moved backinto my parents home. He lost his home, job, girlfriend and access to child.

He now gambles and smokes hash. he looks increasingly depressed. He appears very angry and aggressive. He sleeps half the day and barks at everyone except my mam and dad. They are away at the moment. I suggested he speak to someone or go to an aa meeting. He just blanked me.

He hasnt made an effort to get a new job. He appears depresses withdrawn. Now in fairness he was only ever socialable when drinking and then he made nasty jokes and cutting comments. Some days he appears ok but this is only if other people(not siblings or parents)

I am trying to be supportive or understand. He lives in dirty clothes. He needs a shower.

What can i do if anything?

tolteq

do you have any other brothers or a few men. maybe u could force him into the shower and wash him. i know that sounds drastic. but a bit of physical force (while meaning well) can help sometimes. i'm not advocating anything untoward. just to help him

tommyboy2222

I really wouldn't recommend trying to force him in to a shower.

OP are you female ? Because sometimes female "advice" sounds like "nagging" to male ears.

I would try to have a word with some of his mates to call round and have a quiet word with him about sorting himself out

CDfm

If your brother is depressed you should try to persuade him to go to his doctor.Smoking hash will not help his depression and would pobably make it worse.

He could do something about his child access via the courts and could get assistance from one of the help groups such as Parental Equality a support Group for Dads. As he is unemployed he will qualify for legal aid so it is positive but he needs to get cleaned up.

LegacyUser

op here,

I am female and would probably come across as nagging.

No man would go near my brother because everybody is afraid of him.

All his male friends would be hash smokers. He lost any of his more steady mates through drinking sessions gone wrong. My younger brother has zero respect for my brother. My father doesnt know what to do and has aged 10 years with the worry.

Its like he has stopped drinking but all the issues that started him drinking are still there.

As for his child whom he loves dearly. He wont pay maintanance so his ex wont drop the child down. ( the ex would like to share custody but he is so aggressive)The judge wouldnt hear his case for access as he was extreamly aggressive to her lawyer in court and his own. He has a major attitute problem and blames everything on his ex and her family. He has forgotton the abuse and heartache he put her through. He once told my other sister that if he got the child he would kidnap him

My name is URL

Keep hounding relentlessly him tbh

It'll soon become easier for him to pull himself together, than to sit around in dirty clothes feeling sorry for himself

CDfm

My name is URL wrote: »

Keep hounding relentlessly him tbh

It'll soon become easier for him to pull himself together, than to sit around in dirty clothes feeling sorry for himself

Why dont you go over and do something.People learn more by example then by nagging. Any of the issues he has been thru are F***ing tough.

If you can afford it bring him to the shops and buy him a few pairs of jeans and T-shirts etc. Buy him some toilleteries .Get the rest of his stuff into the launderette.

Bring him out for something to eat etc.

Tell him you admire him for tackling the booze.

Invite him out to dinner. Or say lets get this lot down to the launderette.

LegacyUser

He might have stopped drinking but he hasn't come through it maybe he needs the assistance of AA or counselling. There is much more to alcoholism than drinking and being a nightmare drunk, that nastiness still lives on regardless of whether the alcoholic has a drink in them. He has issues that need addressing him stopping drinking by himself wont fix these espec if he is just substituting being drunk with being stoned. As for what can you do, there really isn't much a friend, family member or loved one can do for an alcholic what ever needs doing needs to be decided on and done by the person themselves-tough love!.

b12mearse

leave him alone he'll be grand.

Handsome Bob

Unregistered wrote: »

My brother is an off the drink about three months. He finally hit his rock bottom and stopped without the assistance of AA or any other therapuetic intervention. He moved backinto my parents home. He lost his home, job, girlfriend and access to child.

He now gambles and smokes hash. he looks increasingly depressed. He appears very angry and aggressive. He sleeps half the day and barks at everyone except my mam and dad. They are away at the moment. I suggested he speak to someone or go to an aa meeting. He just blanked me.

He hasnt made an effort to get a new job. He appears depresses withdrawn. Now in fairness he was only ever socialable when drinking and then he made nasty jokes and cutting comments. Some days he appears ok but this is only if other people(not siblings or parents)

I am trying to be supportive or understand. He lives in dirty clothes. He needs a shower.

What can i do if anything?

Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do, only when he himself feels that he has hit rock bottom will he then reach out for help.

newname

Hi OP

I would advise you and your parents to find a way to detach from this because its a long road to recovery, your heart will be broke if you try to live it out for him.

If he is stoned all the time then, laziness, withdrawing, not taking care of himself etc is pretty typical.

But, Its the alcohol problem that is the big worry here. People dont' really understand it but giving up alcohol because you have to is a terrible wrench, your in mourning for a life you now have to leave behind.

Let him work his own way through it (within reason). A Substance misuse councellor is a good start if he doesn't want to go to AA. There is one in most towns. Ring your local doctors surgery for the number.

LegacyUser

hi op here.
thanks for all your advice , I need more.

The guards called the other day with warrants looking to arrest him.
My sister said he wasnt there as she didnt want him arrested from the house in front of the neighbours. Last night he came home drunk with two strangers. My sister told them to leave.
My brother got up and 10.30 and left the house in his car.(probably drunk) and hasnt been seen since. My parents are away at the moment.

My head is wrecked with the worry and so is my sisters.
I tried to ring but his phone is off.
I am so sick of this ****. Everybody just spends there time worrying about him, whether he is drinking, where he is, is he okay....
Its so draining and there is no talking to him.
Where is he?
If he doesnt come back by tomorrow I will have to spend the day looking for him to get him back before my parents come back from there holidays. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG
Help

LegacyUser

Hi Op

Could your brother be physichiatrically unwell at the moment. His constant drinking may have been covering up his illness. Perhaps he needs to speak to a phychiatrist who could assess your brothers situation further. From my experience with my brother he is also a heavy drinker since his early teens. He smoked hash as well during his teens but gave up about four years ago he is in his early twenties now. A symptom of being physichiatrically unwell is that people do not generally take care of their personal hygiene. Also where you say your brother barks, do you mean he unexpectedly shouts out or lets a roar (what I'm trying to say is it directed at you personally as a result of your actions or is he barking for no apparent reason. Letting out unexpected roars or laughing when there appears to be nothing funny occuring are also signs somebody is unwell. I dont wish to give medical advise just speaking about my experience with my brother.

Best of luck

Xiney

b12mearse, please note that unhelpful posts in this forum will earn you a ban from it. Please have a look at our charter.

Ta.

Xiney

daftdave

tolteq wrote: »

do you have any other brothers or a few men. maybe u could force him into the shower and wash him. i know that sounds drastic. but a bit of physical force (while meaning well) can help sometimes. i'm not advocating anything untoward. just to help him

this has to be the craziest suggestion of help i have ever heard , you must be joking , what you are suggesting is bullying and not helping him at all , this guy needs to want to help himself and the encouragement of his family , not a fight in a shower....... seriously:rolleyes:

CDfm

My view is this. Your brother is a grown up and is in trouble and you can't protect him.

The guards are already looking for him so if he is around they already will have come accross him and there is little you can do. You could call your local Garda Station and check whether or not they have taken him into custody and if so where.

It sounds very much like it is a breach of a barring order or family law related matter.

You may have concerns that he has a mental illness and giving up an addiction (even cigerettes let alone booze) without help or medical assistance can cause some people to get a bit psychotic especially if they are not the most stable to start with.

So if I was you I would contact the Guards and ask if they have him in custody and tell them that he had given up alcohol for 3 months or whatever without assistance and didnt cope well and may need medical help.As he has tried to quit someone may be able to ensure he at least gets an assessment.

I think it would be a kindness and would influence the way they treat him. He may belong in hospital and not jail for whatever he has done.

LegacyUser

hey op here,

Thanks for advice.

He was arrested and in court this morning.(arrsted drunk with a weapon in jan)
He has to sign on at guarda station and is afraid of getting arrested on another warrent.(not turning up for family court)
Seriously and its all the ex fault!!
He said he is angry because she wont let him see his child etc
i dont know. Any numbers for men groups who help with that sort of thing...
Any men with drinking problems allowed to see their children?

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

hey op here,

Thanks for advice.

He was arrested and in court this morning.(arrsted drunk with a weapon in jan)
He has to sign on at guarda station and is afraid of getting arrested on another warrent.(not turning up for family court)
Seriously and its all the ex fault!!
He said he is angry because she wont let him see his child etc
i dont know. Any numbers for men groups who help with that sort of thing...
Any men with drinking problems allowed to see their children?

Try Parental Equality www.parentalequality.ie 042 9333 163 or www.usfi.ie : USFI Centre Tallagh Contact : Ray Kelly Call 01-4514200

But they have scarce resourses and your brother would want to be serious about his access. If he is getting arrested for being drunk with a weapon he has other problems too and needs help.

He should get access or supervised(ie access under your parents supervision) access if he gives undertakings not to drink when the kids are with him.

From what you posted though he needs professional help of some sort and should go to his GP and get a referal for proper treatment IMHO as his behavior is odd and it will be an uphill struggle for any type of regular access until that is handled.

Dravokivich

Unregistered wrote: »

hi op here.
thanks for all your advice , I need more.

The guards called the other day with warrants looking to arrest him.
My sister said he wasnt there as she didnt want him arrested from the house in front of the neighbours.

Don't lie for him... it's his shame... not yours. Also.. it doesn't help very much when gardai are around for an arrest and no-one walks out with them, more gets said around the street.

Hell the embarrassment might of made him feel like a right fool if he had some form of consideration towards the poeple around him. Unfortunately I don't think he does.


- Drav!

mufc4lfe

b12mearse wrote: »

leave him alone he'll be grand.

that the way to do it alright lol
no seriously he cound do with some help,hes definately going through a rough patch

jamser58

The majority of people crave order.
When we don`t have it, depression and then addiciton can take over.
It conceals the real issues.
A close family member of mine is going through this for years.
What I think your brother (and my family member) needs is to find a new spouse.
I think is that simple.When you have someone that loves you and you love them back,all the other problems are fightable.
All you can do is help him try and find someone.Be there if he needs you but as someone said earlier you need to try and detach from the situation.I am currently working on this and it is easier said than done.

He needs to want help first.He needs to realise.It will take time.
Serving time may do him no harm.Tough love has helped us from time to time but it is so hard.When We have ignored him due to drinking etc he has tried to be accomadating to win us back.

It`s a horrible situation and I wouldn`t wish it on anyone.I try to remember that we still have the person with us,they are not dying,it is not a cancer.There are people worse off and time may help.

CDfm

I cant help thinking that the child access issues are making him worse.

Just thinking the OPs brother is told to stay of the drink and he can have access and which he does and he doesnt get access thats gonna be up their on a headwreck for a depressed person.

I know that child access issues are arranged for the benefit of the child but if one parent witholds access from another as a form of control and that causes a mental health problem why cant someone step in.

OP why cant you or your parents go to court and get the supervised access thing sorted -its not ideal but at least it might help get some fairness into access .

Evolute

Hey op it sounds like your brother needs something to work for I got to the stage of drinking everyday and smoking everyday getting angry with everyone if things werent going my way and it was when I applied for a college course and was accepted that Ive really chilled out on the lot of it.

However if he says its about him not being able to see his child If he has his name on the birthcertificate he has rights to see the child and he can bring his ex to court to force her to allow him see his kid.
Even if he doesnt have his name on the Birthcert he can still bring her to court and have the cert redone to have his name and in doing so he will have automatic rights to see the child and the court will make her allow him to see his child.
Although if he has warrants or she has a valid reason to stop him from seeing his child then it will take more effort to show that he really wants to be around his children.