A friend in need please help

LegacyUser

I need advice for a close friend of mine who has really had the sh1t thrown at her over doing something stupid. Ok to make a long story as short as possible and to the point…….
My friend is 15 and goes to a diff school than me. I’ve known her all her life and she made the worse mistake ever. About two weeks ago she had a school sports day at the nearest community centre. One of her so called friends had this “brilliant” idea to bring alcohol and have a good time. She was told if she didn’t bring some in then she is just “Miss Innocent” so she fell for it (peer pressure maybe) and brought in a small amount of vodka in a coke bottle. Well the obvious happened, she and the 5/6 others were caught. She owned up that the small amount in the coke bottle was hers. All the parents were called and each of them had to take it in turns to sit in the principals car and write all who were involved. Cus she had owned up to her part she didn’t rat out anyone else. One of the others had given the names of who were involved to the principal before my friend had sat in the car and said she wasn’t ratting on anyone else like she had already said.
She got severely punished by the principal, She isn’t allowed to attend school tours again, apply to become prefect in 5th/6th year, and not allowed to go into Transition year. Plus she got suspended for a day. her parents took her phone off her and banned her from the internet for two weeks and grounded her for two weeks. I am surprised she hasn’t lost her sanity cus she is addicted to her phone and bebo. Her parents also were on to the principal and he said that he knew of everyone who was involved and that it was being dealt with and that when their daughter returned to school it would be over. But the hassle was still ahead when she went back to school. She was called a rat cus the principal had told one of the parents that it was her who gave the list of the others involved. She went straight to the principal who said it was her who gave him the list. When she said “NO I didn’t it was X” he simply replied “Oh thats right X is the one who gave me the list. So what do you want me to do about it?” I know of all who were involved and considering the person who had the brainwave idea has been in a lot of trouble before, the principal rejected the idea that it was them who had this idea. He indirectly accused my friend that it was her idea.

Her so called friends wont own up to their parts in this to anyone let alone their parents and my friend is now tagged as the rat/ sole supplier of the alcohol and the entire year is completely ignoring her not to mention the other parents ringing her house to complain that she is not the type of person they want their children to be around. They are quite happy to watch my friend suffer. SO MUCH FOR FRIENDSHIP!! No one believes it wasnt her who ratted nor was it her that was the sole supplier. They dont realise that their children were also in the group that brought in alcohol. My friend is miserable, she cries cus she has to go to school every day cus her parents are making her. She has cried and pleaded with them to take her out of that school and put her into a different one and they keep saying no cus all the other schools will want a report about any new student and this whole disaster on her permanent record now.

I need advice as i dont know what to do or say to her. By the way if anyone says she was very stupid/immature etc dont bother cus she already regrets owning up to her part and bringing the vodka in the first place all cus she didnt want to be labelled "Miss Innocent". How can she improve this situation or prove she wasnt the one who ratted when no one believes her. I think its only going to get worse for her next september . If she had just one friend i think she'd be ok but she doesnt. Please Help

My name is URL

I wish I was young again =p

My advice is for her to deal with getting caught doing something that isn't allowed. We've all been there..

Permanent record..? lmao

The sooner you all grow up and begin to accept the outcomes of your own actions, the better.

topper75

15 right? so only 2 years left. What happens in school is well forgotten about afterwards. It makes me laugh when I think back to how teachers operate as bullies, guarding their reputation and the reputation of the school before all else. 'Permanent' record indeed.:D You and your friend will look back and laugh one day too. OK what was done was against the law, but not against the de facto culture in our society. Underage drinking and how to address it has been debated ad infinitum in other threads so I won't bother. Really though, ye didn't smash property or do something irreversible. It is not the worst crime. The OTT punishment arises out of fear of losing control.

When it comes down to it, everyone will move off before long to college and work etc. Out there, one thing matters - character. Your friend didn't break when forced to squeel. The others did. They will go nowhere in life if all they cannot see beyond saving their own skins. Your friend has character and they do not.

Let's be positive - before the incident, she didn't know what those 'friends' were about. Now that is known to her. That is a good thing. Another positive is that your friend reassures me that the Ireland we push into in the next 20 years, whatever form it takes, won't be entirely populated by weaklings who mildly and unquestioningly bow to 'authority'. Good for all of us to know.

LegacyUser

hi OP here,

Had posted reply but never was updated.Here goes:


There was one other thing i never mentioned.. my friend may have brought it in but she gave the vodka to one of her "friends" as she cant drink it in the first place it makes her violently sick. When it comes to drink she has some morals but unfortunately she fell for the scenario of not being labled "Miss Innocent". Ok so she is 15 and most are quite immature but like i said with drink involved she is different. If she is going out for a night at a teenage disco she WILL NOT get ready with a certain few cus they litterally get sloshed while they try on every short "belt" of a skirt to wear out.


Was talking to my friend yesterday and the same crap is still going on. She cried down the phone and i couldnt do a single thing. She is going thru a form of hell that i couldnt imagine about. Its so hard. I just allowed her to cry and talk down the phone just to get some stuff off her chest and OMG there was a lot. She has faced the fact that she made a huge mistake in bringing some alcohol in but didnt realise all the full blame would be on her shoulders such as being a rat and being victimised in school over it. Plus dealing with phonecalls in the evening from a few parents made things worse in school too. Her mam knows everyone who is involved but she wont say it to the parents that their beloved children also supplied the alcohol. I dont see why she hasnt already. IT REALLY MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL that they are getting away with the problems in school and are also in the group that are victimising her. I told her yesterday that cus i know every single little git that was involved, if i ever passed them or the person who had the brainiac idea of bringing in the alcohol i'd probably slap the faces of each of them. Her teachers are the only ones who ask her if she is ok cus they have seen how nasty they are towards her. They call her the names speak about her outloudly so she can hear it and its not nice at all and they keep spreading vicious rumours about her which are hindering her in being able to talk to anyone new. Her dad had called the school again and demanded to speak to the principal but left a message cus he wouldnt/couldnt take the call. The principal called her to his office and questioned why her dad had made an accusation of bullying in the school which is very serious. She explained a few things that have been going on but not everything and the principal pulled each of the ppl involved out of class and told them that it was not her who ratted and to let this drop. I dont think so. Now they dont believe him cus they think he is lying to ease the blame off my friend cus her dad called and complianed.

Here is my friends other dilemma, Can the principal or vice really inforce her full punishment of 1. No school tours, 2. Not allowed to do Transition Year and 3. Not allowed to become Prefect. She was really considering doing transition year so that she can get to do work experience and a few other little courses that would look well on her cv later on as well as doing LCVP in leaving cert. She has 3 years left of the school. She is fretting about next sept too cus she really doesnt need to be dealing with this crap while trying to do her junior cert.

_sparkie_

i do think not being allowed to do ty is a bit harsh but your friend really should just deal with it.

she broke the rules and she was caught, would she be complaining if she got away with it?

LegacyUser

my advice.....do a google search for the school and find the principal's email address, then send him a link to this, I think your friend needs the help of someone in authority in the school and I think you've articulated the situation brillantly, just by posting this it shows you have a true concern for your friend and you are to be admired for the honesty of the posting. There's always a student counsellor in schools, I'd advise you to get her to talk to him/her, conversations between counsellors and students are confidental and the counsellor may be able to guide her through this difficult time.
I think with the benefit of hindsight she'd prefer if everyone thought she was 'Little Miss Innocent' now rather than what she's going through. I wish her well, be there for her!

Salome

I think some of you have a very blinkered view tbh. Peer pressure can be a very tough thing to come up against.

Yes, I know she broke the rules but isn't the punishment disproportionate to the crime?

Yes, she deserved to be punished but not allowing her to do transition year is extremely tough. That's a punishment that could change her life.

OP, how do her parents feel about the punishments? Is there an appeal system at the school/board of management?

rebel girl 15

I think they have handled it very badly - they have a duty of care to each and every student. they should have known who had given them the list, but most importantly of all, not told that parent who had given the list to him. The principal failed her in that regard. That sort of info should have been confidential, what the hell were they playing at telling someone else!

You are being a great friend which is what she needs at the moment. I agree with a previous poster saying send this onto the principal, you have articulated it well.

I think the actions of the other parents is disgraceful! Ring her house and parents like that! Even if her mother said it to them about their precious children drinking they will probably deny it. I think the principal needs to haul in those parents and students and talk to them. the duty of care I mentioned above, covers bullying, and the bullying that has gone on from the parents, could call for legal intervention.

The punishment does not fit the crime, I think her parents have to go above the principal to the board of management. Not leaving her do TY is wrong, they are denying her some wonderful opportunites, which will impact on her future career choices. She did wrong, and in fairness she owned up, which is an excellent trait, but what is happening is not fair.

After that, I reckon she should leave the school. There is no way that anyone should take that kind of behaviour, no matter what she did. Her record will show that she has changed schools, and it can be put down for bullying reasons - because that is what is happening. The principal really needs to be strong, and deal with it correctly

LegacyUser

Thank you to everyone for replying. Here are some answers from some of the questions.


1 Sending this to the principal. The school my friend is in has just one email address that is sent to the secretary then once reviewed will be forwarded on to the relevent person so this idea may not be suitable. Also as the principal has shown a form of dislike to her, if he gets this, he may deny any wrong doing and accuse my friend of fabricating so many lies. He has already blamed her for a few things already. This may just add to the principal-student hate relationship. I really feel for my friend.

2. Move out of the school. Her parents will not allow her to move at all. She has already been told that she is stuck in that school until she completes her leaving cert as what ever serious mistakes she has made goes on her personal record and the "new" school will request a copy and as far as her parents are concerned the school will reject her immediately. They will not back down on this even when she cries.

3 Transition Year. Yes i totally agree that banning her from doing ty is somewhat ott but knowing her vice, she is a real piece of work and would hold anything in her nose with anyone who did wrong AND will try enforce all punishments. My friend has spoken to her parents about wanting to do ty and for now no more has been mentioned about it but i know that if she goes for it, two things can happen. 1. the procedure is handing a letter of application in and completing an interview due to the very small number of places in the ty class, she will most likely be rejected. This could be due to the fact that she didnt pass the interview or that they allowed her to apply just so that they could reject her over her mistake. 2. Once her application is received they may reject it straight away on the grounds of her mistake. If they do this then as far as i know her parents are going straight to the educational board with a list of complaints from the years that she has been at school. Dont have clue right now if she is going to bother anymore. She told me earlier she just wants to get her leaving cert over and done with asap and get the hell out of that school. Its a real shame cus other than making this mistake she has been a good student. Getting some great results in her subjects (A's and B's) and constantly been involved with the school sports and other activities even getting awards for it too or at least she was until this whole disaster had started.

4 The career guidance counsellor is the counsellor of the school and NOTHING is said in confidence. Everything that is said thru a conversation eventually makes with way to the person who the conversation was about. The walls have ears. She has a year head but they are useless just like in my school. They dont want to hear of anyones problems cus as far as they are concerned all problems will blow over eventually. Such a load of bull.

5 Phone calls to the house. At least these have stopped but she is still being ignored. Now she doesnt have her phone back just yet as she is studying for exams at mo but since this incedent its been turned off so i wont even guess how many messages she has once she turns it on when she gets it back. I wrecken a lot.

Thank you to everyone for your advice on this its helping a lot

badabinbadaboom

What you do in school doesnt matter a bit.
Tell her to go have a word with her principal, if he wont listen then take all the action she can
She wont get thrown out of school at 15 so stir it up and resolve the situation.
Shes had her time to cry and see the reality of her actions.
But now its time to make the principal see what really happened, her parents might ground her and all that. But there is only so far any proper parent can go with punishing there children.

CianRyan

Your mate needs to grow some metaphorical balls.
She shouldn't have given into peer presure and should just tell every one who it was that ratted every one out, then ditch all those other eejits for people that will actually be her friends and not just general aquaintances who will clearly turn on her in a second.

Simple as really.
The most important part of school is to help you grow up, sounds like the perfect time to start.

Alternativly, just ride it out, 15 year old girls work on a weekly basis, no one will care in a few days/weeks for some.


I just graduated from secondry school yesterday, I'm so glad i dont have to deal with this sh!t anymore.

Edit: There is no permanent record, i've asked to see mine on soooooooo many occasions. I was FAAAAR from a model student, if there really was one, i'd of been chucked out of my school before i got to the end of 6th year.

Jammyc

Honestly, I'm going to agree with the other posters.
She was caught and just has to deal with it.

The principal has every right to enforce the punishments as they see fit.

Also

Needhelp101 wrote: »

her parents took her phone off her and banned her from the internet for two weeks and grounded her for two weeks. I am surprised she hasn’t lost her sanity cus she is addicted to her phone and bebo.

I think maybe this might just be a good thing for her. It's not good to be addicted to a miniscule scrap of magnatised metal on a server in America.

She's going to have to just face the music and thats that. It was just unfortunate that she got caught, but then again all the better, it could have gotten out of control if she had gotten away with it and thought she could again.

Salome

If she was a model student and getting A's and B's before this incident, if this was her first mistake, surely her parents can intervene on her behalf?

It's possible that the school has a zero tolerance to alcohol coming into the school and that might explain why the punishment seems OTT.

To those telling this girl to grow a pair and stand up to peer pressure, it's obvious you've not been in the same situation. Until you have, you won't have an understanding of how difficult it is to not give in to it. A 15 year old girl trying to fit in with her group of friends? It must be horrendous for her. When you're 15, these things are very important.

Faith

Honestly, I can almost guarantee that no-one will remember this come September. Everyone will have 3 months away from school and they'll have forgotten all about it. I was bullied for no discernible reason in first year, and by September of second year, the bullies were back to acting like my friends. Teenagers grow and mature at incredible rates, and I'm sure over the summer that they'll realise it was nothing and forget about it.

Dozens of my friends were caught drinking underage, and there was absolutely no long-lasting consequences for them.

dixiefly

The Principal made a BIG MISTAKE in giving out ANY NAME as the person who ratted on the group. To give the WRONG NAME was plain stupid and shows INCOMPETANCE on the part of the Principal.

Also, she should ask to see where in the rules book of the school that the (so-called) Principal can stop the student taking Transition Year.

My advice, take the case to the Board Of Management of the school. Also contact the NEWB as this has welfare and school attendance implications.

Genghiz Cohen

Your friend now knows the true worth of her so called friends, better now than when she actually needs help. Everyone has taken a drink before 18, it is perfectly normal, but illegal all the same.

Stopping her from going into TY is very harsh and could change her life in negative ways, not only is TY a great learning experience, but you bond much closer with your classmates than in any other year. With TY you get to explore new subjects and hobbies, I myself would never have considered doing music for LC if not for TY and great teacher. Appeal this in particular.

Becoming a Prefect, while a nice boost to a CV is nothing short of extra work in the most important year of secondary school. Wouldn't worry about it.

There are a few people saying, broke the rules she got caught, grow up. Bollox, not one of you can claim to have never done something stupid and gotten in trouble for it. I did and I learned from it. Telling 15 year old to grow up? Nah!

She made a mistake but honesty and a loyalty to her idiot friends should count for something.

As has been said, this will all blow over and you will be sitting in a pub 5 years from now in tears laughing at how big a deal this seemed.

Go and spend some time with her, reassure her and everything will be fine.

Taking her phone and internet is a cruel punishment to a teenager, but I doubt she will ever put them at risk with silly behavior after this.

She has seen peer-pressure in all it's ugly slimy glory, make sure she never falls for it again.

Overheal

Genghiz Cohen wrote: »

Your friend now knows the true worth of her so called friends, better now than when she actually needs help. Everyone has taken a drink before 18, it is perfectly normal, but illegal all the same.

This.

Plus listening to you talk about TY makes me wish I hadnt turned down the offer Irony, I turned it down because I wanted to graduate sooner and ended up in 6th year anyway.

I assume the TY interviewing/candidacy is going on now? Thats a shame. If this had happened 6 months earlier say, she might have had a chance for it to blow over with the administration and appeal to be reconsidered. However, if the school operates a zero tolerance alcohol program, thats the consequence I'm afraid. If TY is something she really wants to do all she can do is have her parents speak for her on her behalf and try to get her reconsidered based on potentially unprofessional conduct - that is, blaming your friend publicly for things she did not do.

As for the no bebo/phone - thats entirely to be expected.

Theres life after 15. In the grand scheme of things TY may be a good experience but its just a blip on the radar as far as everyone else is concerned. I value my time in 6th year as highly as Genghiz probably values his time in TY. Ultimately I've done far dumber things since then. Actually I recall one particular incident in 6th year where somehow I got stuck in the middle of some bebo battle between 2 groups of girls. School bosses were called in on this and everything - and I didnt even have a bebo. wtf. Senseless mellodrama at the time, hilarious now.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

It must be a nightmare for her at the moment, pressure from all corners and she is trying to study for exams.

I remember being 15 in school and things like this would give me a lot of anxiety, you simply dont have the emotional skills at this age to handle things like this and see the bigger picture.

the only thing is she can turn her attention to other people like you and nicer friends, id prefer to have one or 2 decent mates than loads of so called back stabbing mates that you have to watch all the time.

If she cant do TY all the better to get out of the school earlier.


My advice is to tell her just to let it all go, the best thing to do is for her to concentrate on making her life as good as it can be and looking after herself. The more she can do this the stronger she will be when returning to school, if she can do lots of fun nice things this summer to boost her confidence going back she will have it out of her system.

The problem will eventually sort itself out, she may have to suffer the consequences for a while - but keeping her head held high, she will learn from this and it will make her a better person.

Growing up is hard and challenging, but some advice from a 31 year old female is the more you can grow strong emotionally the more confident and wise you will be, if you can rise to your challenges and meet them head on with strength vision and grace you will never regret anything you do.

Tell your friend that she should not blame herself and to have a great summer and come back with her head held high!

Has she read this thread herself as a matter of interest?

CDfm

Hi

IM a Dad of teenagers and here is my 10 cents.

THe important issue is to concentate on her exams as her priority to the exclusion of everything else.

You have a few things here and some are completely out of your friends control so she should not worry too much about them. So my instinct is that she should just ignore the **** she can do nothinh about for now.

The next thing is the trouble she is in. She should do or say nothing for now as its the wrong time.

What needs to happen is this. Her parents have over reacted and I would a bit too with spirits at sports day. My view is that parents should be on the kids side.

What she should do over the summer holidays is to have her parents approach the parents representative on the board of management about the punishment as being banned from school tours and transition year is fairly harsh. This is where her parents should act as advocates for her. If her parents dont challenge the punishment at that levelthen it will stand at the principals discretion.

She should also look at other schools in her area that may do transition year etc as schools get paid grants per student and look at that option.

The peer group stuff from the headmaster is just his little game and its gratuitous.

So yes it can be questioned but she can only do so via her parents and board of management.I wouldnt worry as it is mostly solveable.

comongethappy

I actually agree with the last post of saying nothing for now. Actions speak louder than words. She should focus on being a model student in the meantime.

Over the summer, she should apply for transition year. I have no clue what the application process is like, but I'm sure she could write a letter for the attention of the principle or school board. She can say that she understands the gravity of the mistake she made, and she knows that she went against her better judgment. She can explain in the letter how she fell for the peer pressure, but how making this mistake has given her the insight to trust her own conscience and to choose better friends. Also, she should apologise to the schoolboard / principle for her actions and ask that they give her another chance given her otherwise clean record. Ask that they not deny her this opprotunity to take part in transition year which may help shape her future.

Agree with other posters as well regarding the bullying. I imagine that next year it will be a different story, especially when it comes to girls. Of course it hurts now, but she has you as a friend and she only has a month left. If it doesn't work out next year, with a clean record for that year I'm sure that she'll have no problem changing schools.

JuliusCaesar

my son changed schools twice (due to moves), once in primary school and once in secondary school. THere is no such thing as a permanent record in Ireland!!!! All the new school ever saw was the yearly report from the previous school. THAT'S ALL.