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Faking a relationship in fear of being single?

  • 21-05-2009 4:52pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Anyone ever done this? I'm 28 and my boyfriend is head over heels in love with me. I could take or leave him. We have fun but i know that in my previous relationships i was far more in love and committed. I also got so hurt because of that love....

    I feel like i'm with this guy because he's nice and he has a good job, wants similar things to me...

    I would love to end it and see what else is out there...he at least deserves that - though i am a very good girlfriend and i treat him so well....

    I'm 28 though and if i did end it i know my family would never forgive me as they love him and he is so "suitable"

    Am i crazy? Is this normal?


Comments

  • #2
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Quit thinking of yourself for just one second and spare a thought for him.

    Does he deserve to be treated like this?


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Beruthiel wrote: »
    Quit thinking of yourself for just one second and spare a thought for him.

    Does he deserve to be treated like this?

    OP Here...

    I knew i would get this answer. I know it sounds selfish but i am so good to him. I always think of him first and i really appreciate him as a person. I do love him i'm just not "in love" with him. In terms of looks I am much better than him (not vain btw) also i am much more popular and deffo much better than all his previous girlfriends so it's not like i'm doing him some sort of disservice like. He's very happy with me, i don't want to hurt him, i just feel like my only option is to live this lie and be "ok" or leave him and potentially be alone and miserable or .........really happy


  • #4
    Qprmeath
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 983 ✭✭✭Qprmeath


    Id rather be single than be in a relationship like that. Dont think I could do it anyway as Im not a good liar. Why exactly do you stay in the relationship?


  • #5
    Silverfish
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,698 Mod ✭✭✭✭Silverfish


    I think you don't know what you've got til its gone.

    If you aren't happy, you aren't happy, do the poor guy a favour and let him try find someone who feels the same way about him as he does about you currently.


  • #6
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,217 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    It's common enough in my experience. Doesn't make it right though. Let this man go and find a man you actually want and love and let your current man find a woman who loves him back the way he should be loved. I doubt you will though.

    I'm not trying to denigrate you, but I suspect if you were 22 it would be less of a dilemma for you. The idea of forging through the real world of dating again as a woman of 28 most likely fills you with dread and the closer you get to the big 3-O the harder you'll feel it to be. You went for him because he was a nice guy, he was mad about you and you didn't want to be hurt again and figured if you were in control it would be easier. You probably reckoned you'd grow to love him in time, but that hasn't happened. You may have had a few months were it seemed more equal but now it's routine again. He's still the take it or leave it safe guy.

    So I reckon what you'll do is stick with him for safety reasons, until someone does come along that you do want in "that way" and then he'll get the speech, "it's not you it's me/I love you, but I'm not in love with you". Common enough too, but not a nice thing to do and very selfish. Or that guy won't come along or if he does you'll miss him through guilt or more likely fear again. Then you're looking down the barrel of the rest of your life with a guy you don't love but is acceptable to all....

    Hey I've probably gotten it all wrong, but it would be better for you and him if you proved me wrong.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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  • #7
    star-pants
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13,429 ✭✭✭✭star-pants


    Unregistered wrote: »
    Anyone ever done this? I'm 28 and my boyfriend is head over heels in love with me. I could take or leave him. We have fun but i know that in my previous relationships i was far more in love and committed. I also got so hurt because of that love....
    So you're not IN love?
    I feel like i'm with this guy because he's nice and he has a good job, wants similar things to me...
    so you're settling?
    I would love to end it and see what else is out there...he at least deserves that - though i am a very good girlfriend and i treat him so well....
    So you want out?
    And think this is cancelled out by you being a good girlfriend?
    I'm 28 though and if i did end it i know my family would never forgive me as they love him and he is so "suitable"
    So, you're afraid of what your family would think rather than what you feel?

    From this, it sounds like you're making excuses.
    He's in love with you, you may love him but you're not IN love with him.
    You're afraid of being 28 and single (28 is far too young to be getting worried about that)
    You're afraid of what others like your family would say.

    Think about this, you date him, not anyone else.
    You know how you feel, not anyone else.
    You sound like you want out, but that's just what I'm reading from this. If that's true, then do the right thing and let him go.


  • #8
    ogriofa
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 353 ✭✭ogriofa


    sure if you're so fantastic wouldn't you find it easy to find another guy?
    i know that in my previous relationships i was far more in love and committed. I also got so hurt because of that love

    You don't sound very nice but i'll make you one suggestion - Is there a chance that you are still hurt from a previous relationship and because you have a boyfriend you feel valued? This is rebuilding your inner confidence levels, thats good for you but not him.
    Your outer confidence levels seem unacceptably high to be honest.

    I think you should break up with this guy and stop wasting his time.


  • #9
    Otis Driftwood
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭Otis Driftwood


    Unregistered wrote: »

    I feel like i'm with this guy because he's nice and he has a good job, wants similar things to me...

    Do you realise how shallow that sounds,seriously,read it again.
    Unregistered wrote: »
    In terms of looks I am much better than him (not vain btw) also i am much more popular and deffo much better than all his previous girlfriends so it's not like i'm doing him some sort of disservice like.


    I didnt think your original post could be topped in terms of self centeredness but I was wrong.

    OP,just end it with this guy and then take a long hard look at yourself.

    Put yourself in his place,would you want to be with someone like that?

    Anyone with even a shred of self respect would run a mile.


  • #10
    chickenhawk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 656 ✭✭✭chickenhawk


    Unregistered wrote: »
    In terms of looks I am much better than him (not vain btw) also i am much more popular and deffo much better than all his previous girlfriends so it's not like i'm doing him some sort of disservice like.

    Just show him this post. He'll do the right thing I hope.


  • #11
    Melange
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 287 ✭✭Melange


    OP, you have to end this relationship, both for your sake and for your boyfriend too. There's no point in you being involved in a relationship in which there's no real spark, and he certainly deserves a girlfriend who loves him, as opposed to one who stays with him out of habit.

    I have a few female friends who've been in the same situation as you. All ended up cheating on their boyfriend. The possibility of you doing the same is something that I certainly wouldn't rule out, so break up with him now before you're tempted to do such a thing.


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  • #12
    CraggyIslander
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 640 ✭✭✭CraggyIslander


    Unregistered wrote: »
    OP Here...

    i just feel like my only option is to live this lie and be "ok" or leave him and potentially be alone and miserable or .........really happy

    Jeebus, shellfish much? Better to be alone n happy or miserable in yer own skin than "ok" in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.

    Do him and yourself a favor and let him find someone that reciprocates his feelings and you will find someone that you really want to be with


  • #13
    Splendour
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,580 ✭✭✭Splendour


    Unregistered wrote: »
    OP Here...

    In terms of looks I am much better than him (not vain btw) also i am much more popular and deffo much better than all his previous girlfriends so it's not like i'm doing him some sort of disservice like.

    You are so doing him a disservice. If you are really not in love with this guy then leave him be. You are also doing yourself a disservice as if this relationship doesn't end now it will end at some stage and possibly when there are children involved...

    Ps. What have looks gotta to with a relationship anyway...?


  • #14
    Karen_*
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,610 ✭✭✭Karen_*


    Unregistered wrote: »
    OP Here...

    I knew i would get this answer. I know it sounds selfish but i am so good to him. I always think of him first and i really appreciate him as a person. I do love him i'm just not "in love" with him. In terms of looks I am much better than him (not vain btw) also i am much more popular and deffo much better than all his previous girlfriends so it's not like i'm doing him some sort of disservice like. He's very happy with me, i don't want to hurt him, i just feel like my only option is to live this lie and be "ok" or leave him and potentially be alone and miserable or .........really happy

    You're not so good to him. You're lying to him and actually speaking as if you're superior to him. He deserves better than this so you have to let him go find it. You're keeping him as your safety net so that you don't have to be alone and miserable. Look OP with an attitude like that you WILL be alone and miserable


  • #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Unregistered wrote: »
    I know it sounds selfish but

    It IS selfish, no 'buts' are going to make it right. All those 'buts' are just things you are telling yourself to justify using this guy.
    Unregistered wrote: »
    i am so good to him.

    You are not so good to him, you are lulling him into a false sense of security. Lying by ommission and preventing him from making a fully informed decision about staying with you. You are decieving him for selfish ends.
    Unregistered wrote: »
    I always think of him first and i really appreciate him as a person.

    No you dont think of him first. You have admitted that you are only in this relationship as you fear being alone, are not in love with the guy and because your family reckon he is suitable......self, self, self.

    If you think 'treating him well' exuses this you are very much mistaken. You are leading him on and wasting his time. His time is equally as important as yours. Whats more he deserves to be with someone who is in love with him not just acting out a role.
    Unregistered wrote: »
    I do love him i'm just not "in love" with him.

    Not good enough by a long shot.
    Unregistered wrote: »
    In terms of looks I am much better than him (not vain btw) also i am much more popular and deffo much better than all his previous girlfriends.

    Irrelevant. Being deceived by someone good looking is no better than being deceived by someone plain.

    Your looks and popularity dont make you 'better' than anyone. Are you sure you are 28, you sound younger...?
    Unregistered wrote: »
    so it's not like i'm doing him some sort of disservice like.

    You are doing far more than a disservice, you are using someone selfishly and trying to justify it.
    Unregistered wrote: »
    He's very happy with me,

    Of course he is happy. He is living in a world of make believe that you have constructed. You are making a fool of him.
    Unregistered wrote: »
    i don't want to hurt him,

    Well its too late. You are going to. Obviously someone as popular and better and good looking as you cant 'settle' with such an ordinary Joe...
    Unregistered wrote: »
    i just feel like my only option is to live this lie and be "ok" or leave him and potentially be alone and miserable or .........really happy

    So the only concern you have about the whole mess is yourself. Unbelievable. Maybe you will be alone and miserable if you leave him....well we cant have that can we.....never mind him.

    You may think this all sounds harsh, but you need the reality check.

    You have been deluding yourself that what you are doing is ok. Its not, you have no business making a fool of someone like this.

    Also, you have used someone because of your own insecurity and you don't seem to have any concerns about that, you dont see this guy as an equal, you see your own needs as being number 1 and that is not right.

    You selfish girl, grow up, let this guy know you are wasting his time and let him go.

    As for yourself. Try to learn to stop being so selfish and stop worrying about what your family thinks. You are 28 not 14, be a woman, a decent woman. Not a conniving selfish little child.


  • #16
    Oh The Humanity
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,324 ✭✭✭Oh The Humanity


    Unregistered wrote: »
    Anyone ever done this? I'm 28 and my boyfriend is head over heels in love with me. I could take or leave him. We have fun but i know that in my previous relationships i was far more in love and committed. I also got so hurt because of that love....

    I feel like i'm with this guy because he's nice and he has a good job, wants similar things to me...

    I would love to end it and see what else is out there...he at least deserves that - though i am a very good girlfriend and i treat him so well....

    I'm 28 though and if i did end it i know my family would never forgive me as they love him and he is so "suitable"

    Am i crazy? Is this normal?

    OP, do you really need us to tell you this is wrong?

    You are faking a relationship, you are not even in love with the guy?

    This is really bad OP, what you are doing is Im sorry but downright immoral. Just because you were hurt before it doesn't excuse what you are doing.

    Your fella is so happy but its all built on lies, imagine how devastated he will be when it all falls apart....which it has to becuase you cannot lead this guy on this way.


  • #17
    RossFixxxed
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,102 ✭✭✭RossFixxxed


    Someone did X to me and it was horrible. So I'll do X to some poor bloke.

    I know there is a lot of knee jerk reactions on here, I'm guilty of it. That said, you are just a bad person. You have a lot of growing up to do and it's a matter of time before you're on here sobbing that he copped on and left his 'take him or leave him' gf. How sad are you to fake a relationship out of fear. Go to your GP or a councellor and grow up.

    R


  • #18
    Monkey61
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,137 ✭✭✭Monkey61


    Ah I think everyone is being a bit harsh on the OP here. Throwing around words like "selfish" and such isn't neccessarily helpful.

    The fact is, maybe she won't meet someone better than her boyfriend. She says that he is nice and wants the same things as her - there is nothing wrong with that, in fact, as far as reasons to stay in a relationship go, those are pretty good ones. Yes, everyone wants to find someone that takes their breath away, but in reality that probably isn't possible. Sometimes people make the choice to settle and that isn't neccessarily a bad thing. Yes it is going to seem sad to those who have found an amazing love - but not everybody will find that.

    After all, marrying and whatnot, for love is a modern concept in a way and something that is not typical of all cultures. Choosing a partner wisely for security and companionship can sometimes be a sensible thing to do and wouldn't make the OP a bad person. After all, it is her future, shouldn't she be allowed to make whatever choice makes her happy?

    As to her boyfriend, well, if he is in love with her and she is an amazing girlfriend, does it really matter to him if he never knows how she feels? Not really. In his reality it isn't going to change anything.

    But here's the thing OP, you are only 28, not 48. You are still young and not quite at the "oh my God I'm going to be left on the shelf forever." Stepping out of a relationship that will set you up for life is difficult. It is one of the most scary and difficult things in the world. With my last girlfriend we stayed together for years longer than we should because we wanted our future together so much and were both terrified that we would never meet anyone else - which we both did, about three months after the break up. It was shockingly easy. I don't regret us breaking up, but, I do fear that I will never meet anyone like her again and that in ten years time it will be a huge regret. But I know that I wouldn't be happy if I had stayed with her because I have so many more girls to meet and things to do and the temptation would have been far too much to handle.

    It's up to you really OP, but you have to make a definite choice and stick to it. Are you willing, at 28 to choose this guy and do your best to make it work for the future, accepting that you may never have the butterflies and the heart racing excitement that comes with being in love? Because if you want more than that, if you want to know what is out there then you owe it to yourself to find out, or else it will just eat you up inside until you do. You need to decide whether security is more important to you than being madly in love. And that is a tough choice.


  • #19
    tolteq
    Closed Accounts Posts: 495 ✭✭tolteq


    Unregistered wrote: »
    Anyone ever done this? I'm 28 and my boyfriend is head over heels in love with me. I could take or leave him. We have fun but i know that in my previous relationships i was far more in love and committed. I also got so hurt because of that love....

    I feel like i'm with this guy because he's nice and he has a good job, wants similar things to me...

    I would love to end it and see what else is out there...he at least deserves that - though i am a very good girlfriend and i treat him so well....

    I'm 28 though and if i did end it i know my family would never forgive me as they love him and he is so "suitable"

    Am i crazy? Is this normal?

    I think your the kind of girl, I would run a mile from. And I dont even want commitment. lol.

    You have to catch yourself on. Stop over analysing everything. Jesus.


  • #20
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Monkey61 wrote: »
    Ah I think everyone is being a bit harsh on the OP here. Throwing around words like "selfish" and such isn't neccessarily helpful.

    It is helpful. She has to realise what she is doing and how others see her in reality.
    You say further down you hung on for years in a wrong relationship when you shouldn't have so it may explain your position. You recognise yourself in OP and of course will be easier on her, but sugar coating it really isn't doing her any good, she needs the truth.
    Monkey61 wrote: »
    The fact is, maybe she won't meet someone better than her boyfriend. She says that he is nice and wants the same things as her - there is nothing wrong with that, in fact, as far as reasons to stay in a relationship go, those are pretty good ones.

    Sigh, let me try again.... Its not about HER and who she might meet. Its about HIM, he deserves to meet someone better. Not someone who is faking being in love with him. It wont last because the minute some guy she fancies throws the eye on her she will dump him like a hot snot.

    You have got to stop looking at it from her and start realising other people are not convenicences to be used, they are PEOPLE.
    Monkey61 wrote: »
    Yes, everyone wants to find someone that takes their breath away, but in reality that probably isn't possible.

    It is possible. It requires a bit of hard work sometimes and self control but 'settling' ultimately never lasts. The partner who believes themselves to have settled is always on the lookout for an upgrade and the loser will inevitably be the person they used as a stopgap along the way.
    Monkey61 wrote: »
    Sometimes people make the choice to settle and that isn't neccessarily a bad thing. Yes it is going to seem sad to those who have found an amazing love - but not everybody will find that.

    See above.
    Monkey61 wrote: »
    After all, marrying and whatnot, for love is a modern concept in a way and something that is not typical of all cultures.

    Well, 'all cultures' covers everything from the man in Utah with 10 wives to forced arranged marriage, but lets not go there. We live in modern Ireland where its your right to marry for love and thats whats culturally understood to be the primary reason for marriage. I rest my case. Lets not go back to the stone age and un-invent the wheel eh?
    Monkey61 wrote: »
    Choosing a partner wisely for security and companionship can sometimes be a sensible thing to do and wouldn't make the OP a bad person.

    She is NOT choosing wisely. She is panic buying in fear there is nothing 'better' left.
    Security and companionship? AT 28......? Companionship? If someone married me for companionship under the pretence of love and I found out I would call that fraud.
    Monkey61 wrote: »
    After all, it is her future, shouldn't she be allowed to make whatever choice makes her happy?

    Its BOTH of their future. She has admitted she is living a lie and is not commtted. As I said, the first Wide Boy to give her a wink and she will be off having a 'steamy' affair and writing on here how her husband is a good man but bores her.
    Monkey61 wrote: »
    As to her boyfriend, well, if he is in love with her and she is an amazing girlfriend, does it really matter to him if he never knows how she feels?

    WHAT? Let me make this abundantly clear. NO-ONE has the right to conceal material facts from their so called partner. She is frauding this guy probabaly into marriage purely as a convenience to herself.

    Grr! YES it does matter to him. Have YOU ever been deceived and had someone make decisions on your behalf they had no business making? Do you know what that feels like?
    For your rights and freedoms to choose to be violated by lies and self servingness. And the person who did it to you to dismiss it as 'it doesnt really matter'

    GET A GRIP.
    Monkey61 wrote: »
    But here's the thing OP, you are only 28, not 48. You are still young and not quite at the "oh my God I'm going to be left on the shelf forever." Stepping out of a relationship that will set you up for life is difficult. It is one of the most scary and difficult things in the world.

    Also one of the most liberating things and a massive relief to get rid of someone who is using you, frauding you and deceiving you.
    Monkey61 wrote: »
    With my last girlfriend we stayed together for years longer than we should because we wanted our future together so much and were both terrified that we would never meet anyone else - which we both did, about three months after the break up. It was shockingly easy. I don't regret us breaking up, but, I do fear that I will never meet anyone like her again and that in ten years time it will be a huge regret. But I know that I wouldn't be happy if I had stayed with her because I have so many more girls to meet and things to do and the temptation would have been far too much to handle.

    So you expound the virtues of settling to the OP but you admit it failed yourself?
    Monkey61 wrote: »
    It's up to you really OP, but you have to make a definite choice and stick to it. Are you willing, at 28 to choose this guy and do your best to make it work for the future, accepting that you may never have the butterflies and the heart racing excitement that comes with being in love? Because if you want more than that, if you want to know what is out there then you owe it to yourself to find out, or else it will just eat you up inside until you do. You need to decide whether security is more important to you than being madly in love. And that is a tough choice.

    Again its not just all about HER and her choice. The relationship can not continue based on the fact that its a lie and he deserves the real deal.


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