Boyfriend being unreasonable?

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I both work quite irregular hours and we don't find it easy to make time to see one another. Last night we had and I'm posting this after spending the last 20 minutes sobbing my eyes out. (background: we've been together nearly a year, we've never had any major fallings-out)

He was scheduled to have today off; I was scheduled to be working this morning. I met him for a quick coffee yesterday and he decided to come over and stay in mine last night. As he is normally aware of my schedule, I didn't mention anything about work today, as I thought he knew. Silly, in hindsight, his head resembles a sieve at times. At about 7pm I texted him while he was at work saying something along the lines of "try not to be too late, remember I've to be up at 8am". I was expecting him to be finished up at about 11pm. I got no response and I tried calling him a couple of times throughout the evening but it was going straight to voicemail (the phone signal is very bad in his workplace). Time went on and still no word, I went to bed and watched some TV. I dozed off at 2am and woke up about 20 minutes later to see that my phone was ringing; it was him. I answered and he said "I'm outside, let me in" so in a bit of a daze I got up and did just that. Turns out he'd sent me 4 texts and called me while he was on his way and he was furious I hadn't answered or replied to any of his texts. He'd been outside for 5 minutes. I explained that of course I'd have answered if I'd heard the phone but I didn't, it was on vibrate alert and it didn't wake me. I said I was sorry that he'd had to wait outside the door and he just said "it's fine, it's fine" but I could tell he was still furious. He wouldn't talk to me. I (justifiably, I think) got angry myself then and just got into bed.

Then, to make matters worse. I said to him "did you get my text earlier" and he said that no, he hadn't. As far as he was concerned we both had today off work and he was having a long lie-in. So imagine his reaction when I told him the alarm was set for 8!!! He wanted to go home, but that was impossible given the time it was. So he stayed. (oh, and at about this time my text came through on his phone). This morning we hardly said a word to each other, just as I was ready to leave I sat down beside him and said "Are we going to talk about this?" but he just said "Can we go now?" When we got to the bus-stop where I was getting my bus he didn't even say goodbye, he just kept on walking. I left him to it.

I've sent him a text just basically saying that I'm sorry about not answering the phone and that I thought he knew about me working, that I was upset that he wouldn't talk to me. I'm leaving the ball in his court now.

In my current state of mind, all I can think of is that he is completely over-reacting. Is he?

Beruthiel

I have to ask, what age are you guys?

Oh and yes, he's acting like a tit.
What you had to apologise for is beyond me.
Leave him to his little strop.

LegacyUser

UpsetGirl wrote: »

Last night we had .

That should read 'Last night we had a bust-up'

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

I have to ask, what age are you guys?

Oh and yes, he's acting like a tit.
What you had to apologise for is beyond me.
Leave him to his little strop.

We're both 24.

About apologising, I did feel bad about him waiting outside but 5 minutes is hardly all night. And as I tried explaning to him, it's not like I purposely went to sleep and ignored his calls.

ogriofa

yeah, gonna have to say he's acting like an arse im afraid.
5 minutes? At 2 am? Were you supposed to wait up all night just to let him in? He got it wrong about you working.
There's probably a fair bit of he misses you in there, but he needed to get over it a lot quicker.

Hopefully you guys can put it down to a shidy night all round and move on.

themacdaddy

Right I agree he's acting like a spoilt little baby. Regarding his over reaction maybe he had a crap day in work and was justing annoyed he couldnt spend the day with you..maybe that just set him off. I am definitely NOT excusing his reaction. I think he will cool off and apologise to you! Well he should do that. I do not mean to be condescending but you will probably have alot of fights in your relationship so I wouldn't spend my time crying over the simple ones. It seems to me that your lack of arguments previous to this have made ye both over react to a pretty simple misunderstanding.

LegacyUser

themacdaddy wrote: »

Right I agree he's acting like a spoilt little baby. Regarding his over reaction maybe he had a crap day in work and was justing annoyed he couldnt spend the day with you..maybe that just set him off. I am definitely NOT excusing his reaction.

I do know for a fact that there was something bothering him yesterday that he wouldn't go into detail about during our 20-minute coffee date. And he does work long hours and gets tired. So I agree - he was in a **** mood and took it out on me. But like you, I'm not excusing his reaction either - his behaviour this morning really upset me and I want him to apologise for this.

themacdaddy wrote: »

I do not mean to be condescending but you will probably have alot of fights in your relationship so I wouldn't spend my time crying over the simple ones. It seems to me that your lack of arguments previous to this have made ye both over react to a pretty simple misunderstanding.

You're probably right. We've had petty arguments before alright but nothing to compare with this.

StormWarrior

Maybe he had been looking forward to spending the day with you and was disappointed? Even so, total over-reaction on his part. You said you've never had any major fallings out, does that mean you brush problems under the carpet and keep things bottled up? Maybe he's annoyed about other things in your relationship and this was the last straw?

LegacyUser

StormWarrior wrote: »

You said you've never had any major fallings out, does that mean you brush problems under the carpet and keep things bottled up? Maybe he's annoyed about other things in your relationship and this was the last straw?

I haven't personally brushed anything under the carpet, but I can't speak for him. We do need to talk - obviously - and as I said in my original post I tried talking to him this morning, but he just batted me off. Then again, he is never cheery in the mornings! I just don't know what to think. I'm hoping that once he gets rested and cools off he'll realise he's been unreasonable with me. But I'm afraid he's going to stay mad at me. It's very, very out of character for him to not even acknowledge the fact that we were parting this morning. Hey, I wasn't expecting my usual kiss goodbye, but he could at least have grunted at me, or something

ManOfMystery

So hes annoyed that your alarm is going to go off for 8am and ruin his beauty sleep - yet he has no qualms about coming round to yours at 2am and expecting you to be up to let him in? Stinks of double standards. Tell him to grow up

puglover

OP imo a combination of being tired after a long days work, probably wanting to see more of you than he can and a simple mis-understanding/communication led to an over-reaction on his part. It's not really a big deal as long as it's a once off and he apologises.

It's definitely not worth the tears, I'm sure he'll be apologising later.

Gary ITR

I wouldn't worry about it OP. Us men get very grumpy when we are tired. He'll have a few hours sleep today and then get up still all annoyed. Then later on he'll realise he's being a tit and apologise. Take it from me, I've done it enough times myself

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

So hes annoyed that your alarm is going to go off for 8am and ruin his beauty sleep - yet he has no qualms about coming round to yours at 2am and expecting you to be up to let him in? Stinks of double standards. Tell him to grow up

Yeah, he doesn't really 'get' my sleep pattern it seems, he called me from work at about 1 in the morning 'for a chat' one day last week and he was wondering the next day why I didn't answer!

Onkle wrote: »

I wouldn't worry about it OP. Us men get very grumpy when we are tired. He'll have a few hours sleep today and then get up still all annoyed. Then later on he'll realise he's being a tit and apologise. Take it from me, I've done it enough times myself

I hope you're right! Text has delivered (I probably should have tried the whole delivery reports thing yesterday, huh?) and no reply as of yet. Hopefully he's going through the "still all annoyed" phase....Gonna try and take my mind off it. The whole thing just has me shaken because as I said earlier it's our first real "fight".

vorbis

Don't see the big deal here tbh.
Ye had a simple mis understanding and it became a small fight.
He was in a grumpy mood in the morning and you wanted to talk about it.
Most guys though don't want to talk through stuff when we're grumpy.
Personally, I'd prefer to cool off first before getting into a long chat about something.
He'll probably be back to normal by night time.

ManOfMystery

UpsetGirl wrote: »

Yeah, he doesn't really 'get' my sleep pattern it seems, he called me from work at about 1 in the morning 'for a chat' one day last week and he was wondering the next day why I didn't answer!

One of my mates used to be the same, he worked late at night and would often get home around 3am and would ring my phone for a chat..!! Grand for him as he didn't get up till 2pm in the afternoon, not so much fun for me being woken in the middle of the night. He wouldn't take a hint so eventually one night I answered and roared at him to stop f*****g ringing me in the middle of the night .......................... no more phone calls

LegacyUser

OP he sounds like a twat and you are nearly worse for putting up with it -

I'm male by the way

It was a simple misunderstanding.. I've been left outside for a couple of hours in the rain due to similar circumstances but would not blame her at all.. in fact I was thankful she even woke up to let me in!!

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Grand for him as he didn't get up till 2pm in the afternoon, not so much fun for me being woken in the middle of the night.

Yeah, I mean his landing on my doorstep at 2am and the ensuing argument ensured that I did not get very much sleep last night! And him there snoring. AND I had to go to work while he got to go home and go to bed! Sorry, I'm kind of ranting here now...

Unregistered wrote: »

It was a simple misunderstanding.. I've been left outside for a couple of hours in the rain due to similar circumstances but would not blame her at all.. in fact I was thankful she even woke up to let me in!!

Good Hopefully my bloke will see the light at some stage!

McGinty

Op I would urge you not to say anything more to your boyfriend, let him do the running and talking, easier said than done, but he was out of order, then you need to tell him when he can ring and when he can't, (during reasonable hours) nor would I allow him to call to your door anytime but at a time that suits you. He was lucky you let him in.

He is acting like a sulky child and if you do the running now he will lose respect for you, it is up to him to make the amends, you have done all you can plus you apologised so if he continues this then he is arse and you have to decide can you put up with this behaviour. Good luck

Carsinian Thau

He's over-reacting. Let him sulk for a while and just wait for the apology.

Terodil

I would dearly like to hear the other side about this. TBH this all seems like a misunderstanding gone horribly wrong. I agree that you did the right thing with trying to talk it over the next day, and I do agree that he seems to be overreacting. However I find most people here rather quick to judge. I suspect there's something else going on behind the scenes that the OP's bf is viewing in a radically different light and that the OP is not aware of.

LegacyUser

Terodil wrote: »

I would dearly like to hear the other side about this.

Believe me, I'd like to hear it too, but still no word from him. I tried calling him last night but he didn't answer. That's it now, he has to be the one to make the next move. I just want him to tell me why he has reacted the way he has so I can understand.

Terodil wrote: »

I suspect there's something else going on behind the scenes that the OP's bf is viewing in a radically different light and that the OP is not aware of.

You could be right, I said in an earlier post that there was something bothering him that he did not go into detail about with me. A family thing is all he said.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm assuming from your post that he works late and arriving around 2 at night would be the norm, yes? (taken from him calling at 1 for a chat etc.) Also the fact that he had met you earlier in the day for 20 minutes and you probably discussed his coming over? So I can see how he would be peeved having got there to find no answer, pretty sure he was probably beginning to think how the hell am I supposed to get home. I can also see how when already angry you telling him you needed to be up and gone for 8 would just feed the fire considering you had met with him during the day and not mentioned it.

However even given all these things I still can find any reason for his complete over the top reaction, so I'd assume that there is something more going on here. Does he regularly call round to yours?

I suppose your in the horrible wait until he contacts you position as he clearly has decided to ignore you for now.

His behavior is pretty childish op and I'd make sure to tell him when you do finally get around to talking about this. If something else is fueling this you still need to make it known to him that treating you in this manner is not acceptable

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP,

I'm assuming from your post that he works late and arriving around 2 at night would be the norm, yes? (taken from him calling at 1 for a chat etc.) Also the fact that he had met you earlier in the day for 20 minutes and you probably discussed his coming over? So I can see how he would be peeved having got there to find no answer, pretty sure he was probably beginning to think how the hell am I supposed to get home. I can also see how when already angry you telling him you needed to be up and gone for 8 would just feed the fire considering you had met with him during the day and not mentioned it.

Oh I completely understand him being pissed off. I told him that. I said over and over again that I was sorry about the whole thing and that I'd tried to get in touch with him earlier in the evening to remind him about work in case he had forgotten (I called him but it was going straight to voicemail and my text didn't deliver until he had arrived in my place). If he'd decided not to come over I would have been fine with it!! I never even thought to say it to him over coffee, I had mentioned it only a couple of days previously. 2am would be normal at weekends but 11.30pm-midnight would usually be his finishing time during the week. This wasn't the case the other night, though!

Unregistered wrote: »

However even given all these things I still can find any reason for his complete over the top reaction, so I'd assume that there is something more going on here. Does he regularly call round to yours?

Once or twice a week.

Unregistered wrote: »

His behavior is pretty childish op and I'd make sure to tell him when you do finally get around to talking about this. If something else is fueling this you still need to make it known to him that treating you in this manner is not acceptable

I plan to, if/when I see him again!!

LegacyUser

Still no word, and I really am worried now. He'd normally have been in touch by now to make plans for seeing each other over the weekend.

I'm half-considering dropping into his workplace later on today. I know I said in an earlier post that it was up to him to make the next move, but this limbo is driving me crazy.

SarahSassy

Two days later and given that you have called him, he is playing puck big time.

Dont like the way he is handling this and does not bode well for conflict resolution later into your relationship.

Bad manners too....

LegacyUser

OK, I went to see him at work. I couldn't stand the waiting!

And...it went OK.

There were apologies, there were hugs, there were explanations, there were promises, there were tears. It was all a little awkward but we're back on track. As for not answering the phone or replying to texts, he said 'I wasn't ready to talk about it yet'. I've accepted this for the moment and I'm pretty sure he has taken on board how much his behaviour upset me.

I'll be seeing him again in a few days' time and I hope to completely clear the air then. Thanks to everyone on here for your replies