Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Help Keep Boards Alive. Support us by going ad free today. See here: https://subscriptions.boards.ie/

Just having a laugh..or sexual harrassment?

  • 20-05-2009 10:03PM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭


    hi, am ashamed as anything..work in a sports related job last three years..nothing important, it pays the bills and hours suit as im a seperated mum two with no contact/maintenance from ex.tealling you this as i really need this job!
    my co worker, who is my boss in a way,-same age as me, late 30s was always good for a joke , popular and the life and soul type-im the only female in the midst of around 20 guys and can take a joke and zone out when they talk about blow jobs/sex etc..that goes with the territory, and they are not 'new men'by a long shot..generally we get along really well and there are no problems,.im delaying typing this bcos i cant believe it happened.
    there was always a bit of messing from this particular fella, bear hugs at the xmas party, or when i would go to the loo or something there would be a vulgar remark but as his wife was there i thought it was no biggie..two weeks ago, he was asking me questions about my sex life, and was i gagging for it etc, and me thinking i was being buddie to buddie told him about a fling i had had a year befor, and he asked me di8d i know what atm or rimming was=which i didnt-but he was hapoy to explain..i played it cool as i didnt want to seem easily shocked or naive or something==god i dont know..
    anyway, monday morning i was in his office leaving in post and he stood in front of the door, and asked could he have a hug as he had a bad weekend..i am soooo thick and gave him a hug as you would a pal,and im a huggy kind of person, always touching them..dont know why.
    next thing, his trousers are down and had my hand in a grip and the more i tried to pull away the tighter he grabbed my wrist..i said in a nice and embarrassed for HIM way, to stop, there could be people on the way in etc..it only took seconds but ..well..he came in my hand and handed me a tissue..i just left his office and avoided him taking tues/wed off sick..i dont get sick pay and must go back in the morning..
    no,i have nobody to copmplain to-his brother owns the place
    no,i cant leave, spent the last two days searching the net for jobs-nada
    i cant hyelp thinking i must have given him a green light somewhere-a man just wouldnt do this if he felt she wasnt gamey..god im sick with thev whole thing, i feel like a terrible whore of a mother.feel dirty and cheap and have scrubbed the skin off myself..what can i do??sorry for the long post..i cant talk to anyone. not in the real world.
    xx


«13

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 681 ✭✭✭Enemy Of Fate


    Jesus, thats not just sexual harassment, its borderline sexual assault!You should report him to your boss (and the police!!!) right away!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Somewhere in his sick mind your friendliness was interpreted as "she wants me!!".

    You need to tell someone, never mind the fact that his brother is the owner. What about the other female in the place? Could you talk to her about it?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    Agreed, it sounds to me as if he was on the verge of forcing himself on you. If you go back there, he will think he has got away with it and has a green light to do whatever he wants. What will he do next, to you or some other female?? Go to the police asap.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 169 ✭✭smiler26


    First things first...

    You did ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong.

    This guy took total advantage of you and needs to be reported. My advice is to talk to a friend/sister/mother or someone about it. They'll have more knowledge about the situation and will be able to give you the best advice.

    I've seen instances like this ruin lives and it's not fair. Men like this need to be reported.

    Best of luck OP, will be thinking of you.


  • Registered Users, Subscribers, Registered Users 2 Posts: 47,393 ✭✭✭✭Zaph


    OK, first off, you are not to blame for his actions. What happened has no bearing on your ability as a mother, nor should your feel cheapened by the experience. Even leaving out the morality of a married man behaving like that, what he did was wrong and bordering on sexual assault, never mind harrassment. I would suggest you contact your local Rape Crisis Centre and ask them for advice on how you should proceed and, depending on what they say, it may even be a case for the Gardaí. Either way, don't let the fact that his brother owns the company enable him to get away with such a despicable act. Who knows what he'll try the next time?


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 86,683 ✭✭✭✭Overheal


    Jesus, thats not just sexual harassment, its borderline sexual assault!You should report him to your boss (and the police!!!) right away!
    No, that is sexual assault.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THAT!!

    Having said that i think you would have a long hard struggle ahead to get him done for it.. it really is a shame about the jobs situation, 'cos normally i'd say get out of there right now..

    I'd go straight to a solicitor anyway to see what he says before you go back near work.. a solicitors letter to the firm might just see them pay you off for fear of it getting back to his wife.

    ACTUALLY.. just thinking about it, i dont see how you could go back to work without anything being done!! Imagine trying to avoid him all the time, the feeling of always looking over your shoulder in work.. Horrible!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Jesus, thats not just sexual harassment, its borderline sexual assault!You should report him to your boss (and the police!!!) right away!

    i cant..there would be statements to be made,court? god no.. its a small enough town, his wife and i know each other from a sports/kids thing..and he could deny it..either way i lose..sorry for all the typing errors in my prev post, i typed it fast and pressed submit, as if i had re read it i prob wouldnt have posted it!..i think i may be over reacting, maybe if i just go quiet and dont join in the chats or coffee breaks, and dont be alone with him it will prove a one off..
    i always took pride in my looks, im considered good looking i suppose in a yummy mummy way:),and i thought work would help build my confidence up again, having to look smart etc.. as when my husband left us it took me a long time to get over the hurt and i suppose i just wanted to have pals and fit in again..maybe because im seperated i seem fair game? god i dunno..im not an 18 yr old school girl, but this has really thrown me off course guys..thanks for reading..


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,331 ✭✭✭✭bronte


    :eek: What the hell?
    He was way out of line. Report him immediately.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 24,612 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    OP, if you want revenge you've a few options:

    1. Tell his brother that you want your salary doubled or your suing his business for sexual harrasment & constructive dismissal.

    2. Tell his wife.

    3. Tell the gardaí.

    If you were someone close to me I'd suggest doing all three.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,264 ✭✭✭✭Alicat


    Ugh, what an asshole to think he can behave like that and take advantage of you like that. You didn't do anything wrong (other than trust him!).

    If you go into work tomorrow, do not pretend everything is alright. He needs to know that what he did is not acceptable and that he won't be getting away with it.

    You should report him to the Gardaí anyway. It's up to you if you feel you can tell the brother but he is any sort of man he won't protect his scumbag of a brother and will stand by his moral and professional duties as your boss. You should not have to leave your job for what he did.

    I'm sure a better informed poster here will know of some contacts/websites that might help you understand your rights in a situation like this.

    Best of luck


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 24,612 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    Just saw your second post. At the very least speak to your boss about this. Yes, it will be embarrassing but if you don't do something about this, the asshole will take this as tacit permission to do it again or escalate things. Yes, brother's are close but as one, I'd definitely want to know if my brother was at **** like this that could bankrupt me and ruin someone else's life.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,566 ✭✭✭GrumPy


    wtf, total weirdo. Report him to the police and find yourself a new job asap.

    I don't understand though? Did you.... do anything to him? how did he just, cum in your hand? :pac:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,264 ✭✭✭✭Alicat


    i cant..there would be statements to be made,court? god no.. its a small enough town, his wife and i know each other from a sports/kids thing..and he could deny it..either way i lose..

    Do you not think his wife deserves to know what kind of man he is? :confused: He deserves no sympathy and it's not your job to think of his wife/family. He obviously wasn't thinking of them when he sexually assaulted you, a colleague and a family friend.

    Be brave.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,030 ✭✭✭marko91


    ehhh ring the police that is sick of him......in no way are u dirty or anything u did nothing rong hes just a sick creep he cant do that ang get away with it


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Alicat wrote: »
    Do you not think his wife deserves to know what kind of man he is? :confused: He deserves no sympathy and it's not your job to think of his wife/family. He obviously wasn't thinking of them when he sexually assaulted you, a colleague and a family friend.

    Be brave.
    hi, maybe thats it..im a coward..people always say i'm 'too nice,'i'm probably not.. its just that i hate making a scene or causing trouble, even when i should -like in this case, and i hate myself for it. i should have shouted or slapped or SOMETHING i didnt..
    i just wrestled trying to pull my arm back, he was blocking the door way, as he pulled/held
    me by the wrist and i just looked away when he did it. and said nothing when i left,it was surreal and i was shocked but thats no excuse..

    i will try to be brave, but im not naturally that way.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,550 ✭✭✭antiskeptic


    The facts as I see them?

    Guys aren't girls. That said: a mans distorted viewpoint about women is as distorted as a womans distorted viewpoint regarding a man. A mans distorted viewpoint about a woman sees the woman as a piece of meat. You were viewed as a piece of meat that day - and all the laughs, mates, hugs, yummy-mummy playacting did but one thing: reinforce the meat viewpoint that mens thinking about woman can become.

    You're not responsible for his distorted view - you're only responsible for not realising/ignoring the fact that such distorted views are pretty commonplace - something which demands that you act in accordance with that fact. Folk can bleat til the cows come home about the right of a mini-skirt clad woman's right to walk down a dark alleyway unmolested. The world just isn't made that way...

    Practical advice, given that you appear to want the job more than you don't want the hassle involved with staying there.

    1) Expect more trouble. It might not be now, or tomorrow..

    2) Act to prevent more trouble and send out a warning that has both him and the mates he might brag to (who might take it upon themselves...) hold fire. You could have a quiet word with a suitable member of the Gardai who can unofficially mention a complaint via mobile/quiet visit. Or write a letter to his wife and send it to him first with the threat should he or anyone else. There is something about graphic truth - which would include detail about his manner, his way, that doesn't require a court of law to cause a shiver to rise in the spine

    3) Do not be afraid. Weakness, in the face of this threat, will be your "death"


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    GrumPy wrote: »
    wtf, total weirdo. Report him to the police and find yourself a new job asap.

    I don't understand though? Did you.... do anything to him? how did he just, cum in your hand? :pac:

    it is possible if a man is bigger/stronger than you, and has your arm gripped.doesnt take that long.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 21,191 ✭✭✭✭Latchy


    Sounds like something from a porn movie . he just came in your hand :confused:

    But as described ,is it sexual harrassment ? Yup , 100% , A1 it is


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,404 ✭✭✭shinny


    I know you are saying that you will try to be brave, but I have a feeling that you won't follow this up. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm just going by your feedback so far.

    I really wish you would, but I know nothing any of us say will convince you to do something you don't want to do.

    So, will you write down (in detail) everything that happened and date it? At least this way, if anything (and I firmly believe it will now that he's done this) happens again and you decide to do something about it, you have a proper factual account of the previous incident.

    Good luck.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,264 ✭✭✭✭Alicat


    hi, maybe thats it..im a coward..people always say i'm 'too nice,'i'm probably not.. its just that i hate making a scene or causing trouble, even when i should -like in this case, and i hate myself for it. i should have shouted or slapped or SOMETHING i didnt..
    i just wrestled trying to pull my arm back, he was blocking the door way, as he pulled/held
    me by the wrist and i just looked away when he did it. and said nothing when i left,it was surreal and i was shocked but thats no excuse..

    i will try to be brave, but im not naturally that way.

    This will be one of the times you're going to have to go against your "nature".

    What if he does this to someone else? :( This doesn't just end here. What if he tries it again with you? You can't continue in work like that, it's not healthy and not safe either. This will plague you for years to come unless you do something about it.

    Whether you decide to report it to the Gardaí, his brother or his wife, or even just a friend/family member that you trust, you need to tell someone.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 37 sim2


    considering he thinks he is the powerful one, I would go into work tomorrow and would ask to speak to him!

    Take a deep breath and think of your kid/s. Just tell him in a straightforward and calm manner (and I know it will be difficult) that you have sought legal advice but, on this occasion, have decided not to report him to the Gardaí but if he ever behaves like that again towards you, you will have no hesitation in going to the Gardaí. Then you just turn on your heels and walk straight out the door of the office! If you prefer to do it just before you finish work, that way you can just walk out the door and go home. But just be careful if you are driving home as the adrenaline will be flowing!! Good luck...you can do it!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Latchy wrote: »
    Sounds like something from a porn movie . he just came in your hand :confused:

    But as described ,is it sexual harrassment ? Yup , 100% , A1 it is

    this is why i'm nervous of reporting..the explanations i would have to give which i understand are vital.. the complete scene-he initially tried to get a BJ-asked straight out, as i was sitting at the desk sorting letters..he was level with me and standing..this is horrible and graphic but two posters have already queried how exactly can that happen? it can.
    i said no, im not doing that, get away..that kind if thing..and tried brushing the suggestion off avoided eye contact ,stood up and headed for the door, he blocked the door and said you dont have to do anything-i will do it so you arent guilty of anything and grabbed my wrist. you know the rest..
    goodnight.have to worry about tomorrow now.


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Education Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 27,404 CMod ✭✭✭✭spurious


    Don't speak to him on your own. Make sure you have a witness to what you say and to his responses.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,857 ✭✭✭Duckjob


    I would even bother making a complaint within the company about it. Go straight to the gardai and make a full report. Only then inform the owner of the situation. That way you can't be sweet-talked out of it.

    As others have posted, this isn't "having a laugh" and it's not sexual harassment - It's a full scale sexual assault. The guy is clearly a sexually stunted idiot. I don't even know you and I want to punch his lights out.

    For your own sake, and for other women who will come into contact (no pun intended) with this idiot, get yourself straight to the gardai, please.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,554 ✭✭✭Pat Mustard


    Overheal wrote: »
    No, that is sexual assault.

    Yes, it is.

    This guy sounds dangerous. You will need to be careful.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,131 ✭✭✭MissHoneyBun


    Look OP you need to report this man to the Gardai. Yes times are hard and people need to keep their jobs but not ones in which they are sexually assaulted.

    I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but what that man did is not acceptable and you know it so stop making excuses and make your way to the Garda station.

    You could be saving, not only another unfortunate woman, but possibly yourself from further abuse from this nutcase.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 86 ✭✭Final Approach


    sim2 wrote: »
    considering he thinks he is the powerful one, I would go into work tomorrow and would ask to speak to him!

    Take a deep breath and think of your kid/s. Just tell him in a straightforward and calm manner (and I know it will be difficult) that you have sought legal advice but, on this occasion, have decided not to report him to the Gardaí but if he ever behaves like that again towards you, you will have no hesitation in going to the Gardaí. Then you just turn on your heels and walk straight out the door of the office! If you prefer to do it just before you finish work, that way you can just walk out the door and go home. But just be careful if you are driving home as the adrenaline will be flowing!! Good luck...you can do it!

    On the basis that you really don't seem to want to cause 'Friction' or draw any attention to yourself, I would agree with the above poster. Of course this is sexual harassment, and really you should be reporting him, but as you said, you have your own reasons for not wanting to go down that road and thats fair enough.

    Having said that, I think that doing nothing is not an option for you either. Why? Because if you do nothing, you will send a very clear signal that this was OK with you, and what will it be next? I don't know what went on between you too, but you hint that it might be possible that you lead him to believe that you were attracted to him? Even if, his behavior was unacceptable, but my point is that if this is the case, as the above poster has said, a stern conversation explaining that this was unacceptable and upsetting to you might get you an apology and a guarantee that nothing like this will happen again.

    You need to make things very clear to him with regard to how you feel about him, and how you feel about what he did to you. And then go from there. Keep a written record of what happened including the date and time and remember if you dont do anything about this, the chances are there will be a next time and it will be worse. Stand up for yourself!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,331 ✭✭✭✭bronte


    Op...I'm a nice girl too like yourself, and I don't like to cause a fuss but this is serious stuff.
    Please make a case..this is horrible and was not your fault.
    He should NEVER have done that.
    Don't accept this.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi Op,

    jasus he really cornered you thats awful, he must have been grooming you for weeks and then just took his moment, sorry to say this but its like he molested you like someone would a child, if he did it to a child would you think it serious enough?

    I was abused op and if you do not respect yourself here you will have major consequences for yourself, your anxiety will grow and it will fester inside, he cannot control you further,

    First off get safe! get away from him, leave the job and go on the dole if you can, this is an emergency, get out of there.

    Tell someone you know and try and get some support, i know you live in a small town but he will ruin your life more if you do not get it out of your system you feel dirty because you have taken the problem on now and blamed yourself, he is the abuser you are the victim, people will understand!

    So so sorry this person has come in and ruined your life like this, you are stronger than you think, do what your gut tells you!


Advertisement