Either have no friends or a possible bully?

LegacyUser

College was hell for me for the past three years. I will have a pass degree in a worthless area. I never went out because I dont drink as I live at home with teetotal parents who would not take kindly to their drunken daughter coming home at 3am on a wednesday night. They would accuse me of setting a bad example for my younger siblings etc. But all of that will probably end up on here in another post someday. To round it all off, I made only two friends, one of whom lives in a different country.

The other girl is the possible bully. In school I was 'friends' with a girl who continually put me down, tried to control me and made me feel absolutely worthless. A frenemy I suppose. I eventually broke free when we went to different colleges. But now I am getting the same vibes from this new girl. I suppose it would be like a person who has been cheated on in the past becoming suspicious about their new boyfriend/girlfriend. Essentially, I am afraid of getting hurt again.

I don't know what to do. This girl is nice, but I am afraid that I will get into another situation where I am just a punching bag or something to place all of their insecurities on. On the other hand, I dearly want to have friends.

It feels like I have to choose between having no friends, or one that could be a bully. It is still just a suspicion, but the more I hang out with her, the more similarities I am seeing.

Please dont say something like 'well you should have tried to make friends'. I did try. My course was huge and I felt lost. I joined socities and groups but they were so cliquey, that I backed away instead of asserting myself. It just seems like I attract these girls, who require a punching bag or a gullible fool who will go along with their lies and games.

What should I do?

Sorry for the long post. I would really appreciate any advice guys. Thank you.

wylo

Has this girl done anything to make you feel like your being used or bullied?
Probably not, the reason I ask is because from a guys perspective, I remember seeing the way some girls treated each other when we were in our late teens, and it wasnt pretty. I couldnt get over sometimes how some of these girls were actually claiming to be friends with each other. Im not saying it was everyone but it was definitely common, the bitching and the bullying that used go on was nuts, but people grow up.

Anyway the only advice I can give is give your 'friendship life' a second chance, granted you hung around with a bitch, are you going to think like that the rest of your life and have no friends?

If she is sound then give her a chance.

You also have to look at yourself, did you ever think you also might have to change?
E.g. backing away from societys because they were too cliquey, what makes you think your not the bitch without realising it?

By the way, on another note, your degree mightnt be worth anything now, but its a degree and itll always stand to you in ANY type of career. People attach their degrees way too much with what exactly theyll be doing in their worklife, often it can be very different, but they still wouldnt have got the job without the 'different' degree in the first place.

labradoodlelady

Right, first suggestion is to please consider speaking to a counsellor about your issues with making friends, lack of assertiveness, shyness, submission etc. It's not that I think you are weird or need help or anything like that. A lot of Irish people shy away from talking to someone about things like this. Seriously, consider it as it can be a big big help.

Second issue - you're not happy with a pass degree. Go to your college and ask is it possible to repeat the final year. Explain that you had a lot of difficulties or something. Or look at doing a different course. If there is something you are interested in and have a path in mind, go for it. Be warned *fees* for both of these.

Now, if you spend next year improving your degree you could then apply for a Masters the following year - choose a college further away so you don't live at home. As above, if you go back and do another u/grad don't live at home for college. With Wylo on the degree point, a degree is a degree - more often a springboard rather than laying out your career path.

Look at yourself and what you could change. Back to the counsellor point here, I'm not going to go doling out advice.

Do you have a part time job or something? I've made some FANTASTIC friends through different jobs. Good way to meet a variety of people outside of the college life.

LegacyUser

i think this friend could turn out to be a good friend to you. I think you should open up to her about the insecurities you have about her and how you think it might be down to your past.. see how she reacts to this and how the relationship develops.. For sure dont just give up on her but also dont allow yourself follow back into the victim role..

counsellor would do no harm

JuJuBean

Hey there.
Sorry to hear you are feeling rubbish about things. I understand because I have had similar friendships, and in fact, its a pattern I have repeated a few times. I eventually began to see the pattern a couple of years ago and figured a few things out.

Think about this - are you looking to these types of girls for anything in particular? In my case, I went for domineering bully type friends because their loudness and "wanna be centre of attention" attitude would take the spotlight off me, and I wouldn't have to think about my own issues as their lives were so dramatic and exciting. However the flip side of that is the particular individuals liked to be in charge and didn't like me to get out of my box at all. I let myself be a bit of a doormat, resulting in eventual feelings of resntfulness, and frustration and falling out with the friends in question.

I now try not to be attracted to drama, and have found that I am making friends with much more balanced and nice people. I just try and relax when I meet people, be myself, and stop thinking of the negative insecurities when talking to people.

When I met the group I am friends with now, my instant attitude was 'these guys are all friends already, why would they want to let me into their circle?' and that is actually what happened. I was an outsider. However, as the years went on and I figured out all of the above re just being myself, I started to relax more around them and deliberately cleared all of my preconceptions out of my head and was just open and friendly. It worked and now I count most of them among my best friends. They are my BF's friends actually and I know them a long time now.

Perhaps some work on building your self esteem would help too? Do you play any sports or are you involved in any sort of team work? Because this would really help you meet people, have fun and build your confidence.

Finally I would say the place where I've made most friends is at work. Be it part time or full time....do you have a job? I would also agree with the above, maybe you should try renting a room, and having a bit more of a life for yourself and doing what you want to do, I think it would do you the world of good in terms of self confidence and getting yourself out there more.

LegacyUser

I'm just like your, but in a male version, and without any bullying, and I wouldn't say college was hell I just lost interest and got a pass degree in a useless arts subject.
are you in Cork by any chance?!

vector

I hear what you're saying, the larger a college class it, the harder it is to make friends.

In "university" there were 250 people in one of the first year classes, but in a PLC college there were 30, its much easier when the numbers are smaller because you bump into the same people all the time, and its only natural that with a bit of effort you'll get to know them.

So I suggest you do a PLC (night) course, it won't look bad on the ol' CV either