Nelson

JacquesD'Ladd

Nelson. "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy. "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson. "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy. "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud). "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religous persuasion or disability."-- "What gobbledegook is this for goodness sake?"

Hardy." Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devils own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson. "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy. "Sorry sir. All Naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson. "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy. " The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the governments policy on binge drinking."

Nelson. "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it...........full speed ahead."

Hardy. " I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson. "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy. "That won't be possible , sir."

Nelson. "What.?"

Hardy. "Health and safety have closed the crows nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson. " Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy. "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson. "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy. "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson. "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy. "Actually, sir, you did. The Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson. "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy. "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt."

Nel;son. "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy. "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson."What? This is mutiny."

Hardy. "It's not that, sir. It's just that they are afraid with being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks,"

Nelson. "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy. "Actually, sir, we're not.

Nelson. "We're What?"

Hardy. "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson."But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the Devil?"

Hardy. " I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson. "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your king."

Hardy. "Not anymore, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life

Nelson. "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy. "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson. "What about sodomy?"

Hardy. " I believe that is now legal, sir.

Nelson. "In that case....................................................kiss me, Hardy.