I've ****ed up my life

LegacyUser

going unreg for this one.
well basically I dropped out of school after the junior cert. worked in a few places, small jobs, like shops etc. In one work place i started going out with a girl from work and we were together for on/off for about 9months. when i was working at this job, i was having the time of my life, made loads of friends, loved the girl i was going out with (still do). and then out of nowhere i left my job, dumped her for no reason and i have no idea why....ive lost all my friends, lost her, have no job, no education, tried suicide a few times but was always in so much pain when it failed so im afraid to try it again.
I seem to do something without thinking about it and then regret the following day. I **** up everything in my life and now even my family...
ive gotten to a point where i pretend to be sick just so i get any sort of attention but family has seen past that now and ignore me all the time.
i dont have the will to live or do anything anymore, it seems to be getting worse what ever is wrong with me and im only 19.
i hate myself for being the way i am.

i wish i could just go...no pain, no fuss, plain and easy so at least i wont feel like this anymore...

LegacyUser

Basically you have spirralled out of control, a whirlwind of dispare. You have at least taken the first step in acknowledging that this is a serious problem.

Death is easy, Life is harder.

By no means am i being in any way synical. the majority of us will experience depression and "why bother" moods and most of us will rise out of this but a few will remain in that mood. No doubt people have told you to "see someone" get help etc. Only now have you really seen yourself and how bad things have been. Ok so you f**ked up NOW is the time to correct it.

For the education side of it- there are a lot of options open. Evening courses thru Adult Education boards in your area where you can complete your Leaving Cert and get into college or at least a step in the direction that you want to go. Alternatively you could look at doing a fas course. Check out your options by visiting your local VEC.

Try take an interest in a hobby or sport and get in with a group. Yes its bloody scarry but you will have to fight with yourself in the beginning to make yourself go but after a while you will start to pick yourself up.

Focus on the positives NOT the negatives on a daily basis. Write them down.

I was in a spiral too then i took the notion of seeing a life coach. By no means was she a shrink or anything like that, she just pointed out a few bits about me thru short exercises and i started to realise what was really important to me and what i needed to do. If i needed to speak to someone i just called her. I didnt talk to my family about my problems as they werent great help. Now i'm in a great job making friends and doing ok tho this can be improved. The relationship with my family has also improved but it has a long way to go before its right again.

PS try volunteering a bit too. it can uplift the moods too.


GOOD LUCK

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Sounds like you have had a really tough time of it, it sounds like you had to grow up fast leaving school to go working and had the best of intentions for yourself.


Maybe you have made some bad choices, and made some mistakes- who hasn't.... but that does not mean you should hate yourself.

Whats happened is that when you make a mistake you see yourself through other peoples eyes and how frustrated they are with you and then you just start projecting that onto you and hating yourself.


You need to really give yourself a break and have some compassion for yourself. You would not be feeling like this if you did not have reason to.

The only thing you can rely on sometimes is yourself, its so so tough, but if you can get strong in yourself by learning to love yourself you will attract a better situation around you, when people see someone who does not love them self they find it hard to love you too, so to change that you could see a councelor there are many free around the country and you could start to build up a better perception of yourself.

The book' the secret' is also really great for giving you new ways of looking at life, basically it says what you put out into the world you get back,if you could just start to change that notion and put our compassion, love, support for yourself this is exactly what will come back to you.


Dont give up on yourself yet.

AARRRGH

You haven't ****ed up your life. Why? Because you're only 19 and your life has barely begun. You have YEARS left to get your life back on track.

Seriously, I'm 31 - 12 years older than - am I'm serious you can accomplish an incredible amount in 12 years. There is no reason why you can't be happy, educated and successful by the time you're my age.

You need to have a big think about your life to try to figure out why you're acting the way you do. If you're getting no where, ask your parents if they will pay for counselling so you can try to understand yourself and get your life back on track.

If counselling isn't for you, you could always get some crappy job for a few months so you can save up a bit of cash, and then move to a different country and start afresh. For example, you could head to Spain and work in an Irish bar or something like that. This would be a new life where you can make new friends and leave your mistakes behind until you're strong enough to try to correct some of them (e.g. by apologising to your old friends or whatever).

Whatever you decide to do, remember you have a lot of time on your hands so you have a lot of time to get things right. You're still a kid, so don't be too harsh on yourself - most 19 year olds haven't a clue what they're doing.

By the way, the Open University (open.ac.uk) takes on anyone - you don't need a leaving cert. So if there is a topic you're interested in (e.g. computers) you have the option of getting yourself a degree from the Open University, so don't let your lack of having a leaving cert hold you back.

haven27

Have to second that about 19 being only young and education being there and is accessible even without the leaving cert.

I have no junior or leaving cert, ended up on a PLC course in one the VECs when I was 18 (in computers), from doing that I transferred into college to do my degree and am just finishing my masters now after going back to do it. I was a disaster area when I was your age and it does get easier as you get older I swear.

Carsinian Thau

You've a bad spot. Now you need to pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

For starters, get your leaving cert. See where that takes you. After that, maybe try something from FÁS, FETAC etc. etc.

You're only 19 so you're still very young. You have plenty of time to set things right.

Good luck.

LoanShark

If there is on egood thing that can be taken from your post
Its this....
"YOU HAVE HIT ROCK BOTTOM!"

And from now on the only way
(and to the older folk I'm not trying to sound like Yazz)
" THE ONLY WAY IS UP!"

Think about what you are interested in...Can you get onto a course to allow you to get a career in it?

You are only 19, Life is only getting into its stride with you..A lot of women will come and go in your life, A lot of jobs will come and go,But it is all a learning game..

As one of the other posters has said you can achieve alot in a few years..
I'm 29 and when I think back to when I was your age...Yeah there was moments of where I though 'How am I gonna get out of this one?' but that was the hand I was dealt, I worked my through my problems and I came out the other side bigger better and stronger and have learned from my mistakes..

You will get over this!
You will have a great life!
You can move forward!

LegacyUser

Hey, OP here.

Thanks for all the support you guys have given me. I'm only 19, got years and years left to do something, what was I thinking!!
Im gonna get over the girl and get back on track, maybe get some counseling and sort my head out.

Haven27 really made me think...I didn't know you could do that. So thanks for the info.
I really appreciate it, from you and everyone

cafecolour

No, ****ing up your life would be being in jail for rape and murder at the age of 19.

Def go to counseling to deal with anxiety/depression issues and learn to be able to deal with life's up and downs. You're only 19 - you may go back to school, get a new job, a new girl, more money, and may just lose it all again 5 times more before it all clicks. The new is the fun of life, don't just grasp the first thing you like and cling to it.